Saturday, December 25, 2010
Instead we hold our heads high and hope for the future. So blessed and glad we have that light of hope lit in our hearts right now.
I know in the struggle of illness and infertility, some days it's hard to realize our blessings. Holidays can be especially painful, especially on such holidays where the magic of children is so stressed and so in our faces (believe me...when you struggle with infertility...it feels VERY much in your face!!!). But, I hope today you can feel the warmth and love of those around you and are comforted by sharing this day with family and friends. Merry Christmas and many great blessings for the new year to come!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
It is impossible to ignore or want to ignore what is hopefully going on inside of me. Even though we know anything can happen and things are uncertain... we can't help but obviously love this life that is developing and pray for it constantly. Loss and infertility has certainly put a whole different spin on the appreciation of conceiving and the whole process of a pregnancy. Each week is a cause for celebration, each bout of nausea is a welcome ill (er splitting migraines are not welcome thank you- ha ha), yet each moment feels so uncertain and unsure.
Pregnancy after a loss is so very different. It's hopeful, scary, exciting, surreal. I haven't even been able to come up with words to express myself. Hopefully I'll have another 7 1/2 months to feel it out and share.
8 days until the ultrasound. We are ready to see you little one. Even though we are very tentative, know you are loved immensely!!!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Beta was 499 this AM!!!
Truth be told, I am scared out of my mind and in complete and utter shock. The incessant migraines the past few days though gave it away for me...I should have known. I'm so scared. I just sat on the bed staring at the phone when the nurse told me. Lots of conflicting emotions. So, trying to stay grounded here and wait for Weds. test to see if they can double. Until then, I'm in love!!!! And I will be thankful for what we have been given, even though it isn't a guarantee.
If you know me, don't tell others that don't read this blog. We'll all talk more later! And, neither of our parents know a thing. Waiting a little bit so they don't have to ride an emotional roller coaster with us if there is one.
Holy cow. I seriously cannot believe it!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Bring on the bw. I've never tested this late... what would be a good beta?!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
We have an amazing set of friends and family. I have the best and most loving husband. We have good jobs, a wonderful home, and a crazy cat. We are truly blessed! We are parents to a beautiful angel son and hopeful for another chance at parenthood here on this earth.
I hope you find time today to feel thankful. I know the journey if infertility and Endo is a difficult one, but, be thankful today for something beautiful!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Love you, and, thanks for following... now fess up! ;)
Sunday, November 21, 2010
We've been trying since March 2010 to have our FET done. After two failed attempts, we were finally able to have it done on November 16th and both of our frozen embryo's were transferred! We are currently in the "two week" wait. Meanwhile, we just honored our son's birthday yesterday, November 20th. It's been a roller coaster of a fall!!!!
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Happy Birthday Wyatt. Thank you for allowing us to know the love of being parents. That is something this world can never take away from us!
We miss you terribly!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Last night was pretty exciting with my last hcg shot. My husband could NOT get the needle in. After four attempts I called a nurse friend in for backup. ;) poor guy got so nervous! As did I!!
Two days until our sons birthday. I can hardly believe is been a year. After his burial service on Monday, I've had a strange peace over me. I still think Saturday will be hard. Wish we were celebrating a first birthday differently!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Basically, it's like this. Since this is different from a traditional FET cycle (more drugs, including ovary stimulating ones), there are certain parameters that they have to follow. My mistake, it doesn't have to be a MATURE follicle. WHEW-sigh of relief there since I've had a few issues with that before. There just needs to be something resembling one present before we move forward. Why? The follicle signals the ovulatory process, and all the wonderful, embryo welcoming features it brings with it. Seeing that follicle will tell them that things are SUPER optimal for go. It will start my natural progesterone and all the good hormones that make a nice home for the embies. Extra protection if you will for these blasts that are waiting for us.
If there never comes a follicle...I am not 100% sure that they will cancel this cycle. Maybe it just won't be optimal. I didn't ask. I know, I know. Honestly though, I don't want to think about that if. We are ready to move forward. Positive thoughts...right?!?!
I think they are just being extra conservative. They really want this to work out for us. We've had one chemical pregnancy and one 2nd trimester loss. They are really wanting to make sure that this sticks...and sticks properly. At least, that's how I see it.
If things look good tomorrow (going in Sunday AM for another US), then, I'll have my ovidrel shot then next weekend is the transfer (5 day blasts-WOOT!). Here's to hoping!!! THANKS EVERYONE for helping to keep me sane! ;)
Friday, November 5, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Just a quick post from my smartphone. Apt went well last week. Doesn't seem to be a sugar issue. Insert sigh of relief here!!! Perhaps when I stopped working out...I lost muscle mass? I'm sure the drugs don't help the other symptoms! Well see. Going to follow up with my pcp next week!
In the meantime, carry on. Decrease Lu.pron. start Gonal.F. no more doxy. Patch. Lots going on!!!
Thanks for your kind words!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Otherwise, I'm feeling okay, aside from hormonal.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
I Only Wanted You
They say memories are golden
Well maybe that is true.
I never wanted memories
...I only wanted you.
In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place
No one could ever fill.
If tears could build a stairway
And heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the path to heaven
And bring you back again.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Just a quick update. Saw the RE. My ovary is so dysfunctional that the endometrioma has kinda died off-it's not being fed. So, that was good news. Wasn't it? Dysfunctional...not so much. No mass...definitely! We are going to try for the last time this year in November for our FET. A little too close to Wyatt's bday for my comfort, but, such is the way of things sometimes. Starting my shots at the end of next month, so, on a little Ay.gestin break right now.
Thanks for all of the thoughts! Heading to Atlanta this weekend for Resolve's FIRST Walk of Hope! If you'd like to support our team (What they didn't teach you in sex ed), check out , this link,!!! :)
Monday, September 13, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Speaking of not normal, this cyst has got to be bigger. My nausea continues to increase. The stabbing pains are coming more frequently. Daym you endo. I say NO! You will not defeat me!
I'm ready for my next cycle to start so we can hopefully (finally) get this FET show on the road. I feel like it's our grand finale...and I'm ready to know how it turns out!
Friday, September 3, 2010
Infertility 101: Get the facts
Myth: Infertility is a women's problem.
Fact: This is untrue. It surprises most people to learn that infertility is a female problem in 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up.
Myth: Everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.
Fact: More than 7.3 million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. When you seek support, you will find that you are not alone. Join RESOLVE, a support group, or talk with others who are struggling to build a family, so that you won't feel isolated.
Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!
Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.
Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.
Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.
Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!
Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.
Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!
Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. But choosing how to build your family is a very personal decision. Learning about all the ways to build a family can open your eyes to options you may not have thought of as a possibility. Education is key to finding resolution.
Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!
Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.
Myth: My partner might leave me because of our infertility.
Fact: The majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis, learning in the process new ways of relating to each other, which deepens their relationship in years to follow.
Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!
Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.
Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.
Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.
Myth: I shouldn't take a month off from infertility treatment for any reason... I just know that this next month will be THE one!
Fact: It is important periodically to reassess your treatment and your parenting goal. Continuity in treatment is important, but sometimes a break can provide needed rest and renewal for the next steps.
Myth: I'll be labeled a 'trouble maker' if I ask too many questions.
Fact: The physician/patient team is important. You need to be informed about what treatments are available. What is right for one couple may not be right for another, either physically, financially, or emotionally. Don't be afraid to ask questions of your doctor.
A second opinion can be helpful. If needed, discuss this option with your physician.
Myth: I know I'll never be able to stop treatment until I have a pregnancy.
Fact: Pregnancy is not the only pathway to parenthood. You may begin to think more about parenthood than about pregnancy. You may long for your life to get back to normal. You may consider childfree living or begin to think of other ways to build a family.
Myth: I've lost interest in my job, hobbies, and my friends because of infertility. No one understands! My life will never be the same!
Fact: Infertility is a life crisis -- it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. You will move through this crisis. It is a process, and it may mean letting go of initial dreams. Throughout this process, stay informed about the wide range of options and connect with others facing similar experiences.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Thoughts? Ponder with me...
I am going to call the RE tomorrow and see what they say.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Infertility Research Study
Be part of an important infertility research study!
Are you between 18 and 45 years of age?
Are you currently receiving treatment for infertility?
If you answered YES to these questions, you may be eligible to participate in a research study evaluating the impact of infertility treatment.
The purpose of this research study is to investigate the impact of infertility treatment on the emotional well-being of women.
Participants are being asked to complete a brief survey available online or in paper form. Your participation will benefit the areas of medicine and counseling as well as other women and couples experiencing infertility. If you would like to take the survey online just click on this link (http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/infertility). If you would prefer a paper copy please contact me. This study is being conducted by Heather Hanney, a doctoral candidate in the Counselor Education department of the University of Florida.
Please contact Heather Hanney at 561-318-8299 or email@example.com for further information.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Fast forward to Friday (just a few days ago-8 days post my appointment). I started spotting. Weird spotting. Tuesday and Weds of that week I was hurting in the belly-so badly I was almost convinced my cyst was leaking fluid into my abdomen. THAT kind of pain.
This morning, instead of being worse, it's stopped completely, only present slightly when I wipe. Obviously this is WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY too early to be my period. WTH is going on?!?! This afternoon I'm having these weird, DEEP pelvic floor pains-almost feels like it's in the bone. PAINFUL.
If things weren't odd enough, now all this drama? I've peed on a stick. "Not Pregnant" per usual-RE's nurse suggested perhaps it could be implantation bleeding. Really?!? You say that to a hopeful patient?! I know they were trying to be optimistic, but, errrrrrrrrrr. She also agreed that it was way too early for ME to be having my period, and to keep them updated.
So, I'm waiting around, trying to figure out what's going on with this weirdo cycle! Thanks again to the silly cyst and the whacked out hormones?
Yep, this is one of those TMI blogs for those that didn't know ;)
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I had the most real and sad dream last night/this AM. How fitting is that timing? I was 32-34 weeks pregnant. We were at some sort of function, and my water broke. I knew I needed to get to the hospital, but, my grandmother was there and she was taking FOREVER to get ready. For some reason in my head, I had to get there within the hour. Then, I woke up. And realized I was NOT pregnant. Then, the tears and pitted feeling in my stomach all day, in addition to my endo pain.
My grandmother taking forever-our wait in this journey to fertility?
Getting there within the hour-my growing impatience with this process?
My water breaking-my broken spirit as of late?
I miss you Wyatt.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
We've been trying for 3 years. Long, but, not nearly as long as a lot of couples I'm sure. How much is too much or enough?!?! When do you stop trying (and, by trying I mean thinking about it and actively trying every day that passes) and move on with your life? I'm tired and feel so beaten down. The tricky thing? I've been pregnant. It CAN happen. But, now I wonder, IF it ever happens again...for how long?!?! Long enough to have a baby, or, long enough to send me reeling into insanity? IF. IF. IF. The questions just keep getting more and more twisted the longer we travel down this road.
I think I am depressed. I miss my baby and yearn for the chance to be a mother here on this earth. But, am I missing out on the life around me and letting it pass me by? I don't know. And, I don't want it to! If there's nothing else that I've taken from this week, it's being reminded how precious and fragile life really is.
So, how do we NOT (actively) try? That's not a question I can ask someone that doesn't know the struggles of infertility. How does one that knows EVERYTHING about their cycle and timing NOT try for a few months? How does someone that wants a child so badly NOT try for just a little while. Just for a mental break? It's so much easier for my husband...he is blissfully ignorant of mucus signs, body temps and twinging ovaries. Just for one day, I wish I could be him!!! He wants a family just as badly as I do, but, for him SOMETIMES I think it's easier to keep moving forward.
So, maybe a break for a few months...if I can stand it? A month or two of "not trying"...which, for me maybe would mean not trying AS hard?!?!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Oh, and this time they prescribed a cream for the progesterone (for after LH surge)? Anyone have any experience with this goop?! Just wondering what to expect!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Also, endometrioma update-there's one there as I suspected and it's about 2.6cm. I knew it, they just never really told me until today. I'm thankful it's not any bigger though and not causing many problems at the moment. It's the little things that fill my cup with joy.
Here's to hoping...
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
I had a really weird day today. I went in this AM for some monitoring at my RE's office. They were checking to see if my lining was nice and thick (they want it to be over 6 mm, today mine was 7.5, during my IVF it was 10) and checking on my progesterone. The results? "Perfect". Excuse me? Of COURSE it's perfect...because we aren't attempting anything treatment-wise. But, nonetheless, we have a pass for a natural FET cycle whenever we are ready. Still unsure of when that will be. That's where a good bit of the stress came from today. Sensibly, it seems we should wait until October. But, all you infertiles out there know how painful that many months can seem! It's even WORSE TTC'ing after a loss. Making the wait THAT much more painful. We'll see how it goes. However it happens, I need to learn to be at peace with the when. It's just hard since my mind is still wondering on the IF. Will they thaw properly?! With only two, some days it feels like the odds are against me. Maybe not though. I was deemed "perfect" today, cycle wise. Stranger things have happened!
The hardest part of the day was the room I was in was the room where we saw and heard Wyatt's heartbeat for the first time at 6 weeks. I remember laying there crying tears of joy to hear such a wonderful noise. Today I just laid there, emotionless and broken, looking at my empty uterus. Sucks!!!! So gut wrenching painful!!! We are coming up on 7 MONTHS this weekend. On Fathers Day. Word.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Deciding to post this evening. We've been on vacation and it was so nice to get away. It was only for 3 days, but, it was just what the Dr. ordered. I was a different person when I was away! Part of that person came back home with me, and, then the "new" old me crept back in. I still have my gut wrenching moments, but, most days are better. I am still jealous of pregnant people. I wish they wouldn't complain about silly little things or take things for granted so much. But, people could probably say that about anyone, pregnant or not.
One day at a time. One second. One moment.
Right now I'm in the midst of being "monitored" by my RE. I'm using ovulation predictor tests to detect a LH surge. I'm so damn tired of peeing on these sticks!!! I need that smiley face already!!! ;) Once detected, I'll start with blood work and ultrasounds to check out my uterine lining in an unmedicated cycle to see if we can proceed with a natural FET in the next few months. We are going to wait until after the summer and after we move into our new house (which will be done in early September). The waiting just may kill me...or, make me change my mind. But, that's kinda where we are right now.
I've been stalking blogs and noticed a lot of success stories going on out there. Very uplifting to see. Hopefully one day here will be a success story here as well!
Monday, June 7, 2010
I was having a weird day today-it's the last day of my twenties and I've been missing Wyatt like crazy lately. It feels weird having this birthday without him. We had plans...and they included our newest addition to our family. An extremely handsome delivery man came to my work and brought me flowers and a balloon. And a hug! What a wonderful way to start out the week. I love you so much Wes. Thank you thank you!!!!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
I hate endo and infertility. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how different our life would be right now with Wyatt. I turn 30 in a little over a week. 30 isn't old, I know. Today, it just feels like it. Infertility has aged me.
I'm trying really hard to NOT think about getting pregnant every month. My blogging absence has helped some with that, and, another reason to take a breather.
I won't stop completely. I'll be around. Just need to find my old positivity and zest!!! I miss it. I will not let endo and infertility steal that from me.
All ramblings from a tiny cell phone keyboard. Hope you all are well!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.
"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"
"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."
"I just don't understand this
God I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...
'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'
"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!
Friday, April 30, 2010
FET canceled-lining isn't thick enough. Of course. I am just hovering around 6mm...which is technically enough, but, we need the best. Apparently during the fresh cycles my lining got around 10mm! So, on to another period-im stopping all meds today. What a waste.
Ill go back in June sometime for monitoring of a "normal" cycle or two to see where my lining gets naturally. If that doesn't do well and we can't try a natural FET cycle, the RE wants to try some other meds (stims I believe) to see if they help.
More of the waiting game. I am beyond frustrated and disappointed. I thought things were finally moving in the right direction!
What a way to end National Infertility week. Still infertile.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Today, instead of making excited phone calls and rushing to the hospital, we are left picking up the pieces of our hearts and wondering what life what have been...could have been...right now. Today was my estimated due date with Wyatt. We wish we could be celebrating right now. To hold our son. To hear him cry, feel his warm, lively body. What we wouldn't give. We don't regret our time with him though and feel so blessed we were given the chance to hold him, to see him, to love him.
We miss Wyatt so much. My heart aches for him and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think or speak of him. We wish today, this week, this month could have been so different for us. We will always remember and love you Wyatt. Always. Thank you for touching our lives and letting us feel the love of a mother and father.
Love you baby boy!!!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
So, here we go. Waiting to wait some more. Prayers please and fingers crossed! If there is something going on, obviously I'd like that taken care of now and things will just have to be delayed for the best. But, even more obvious, I'd love for it to be all a bunch of fuss for nothing!
What a week!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
"I don't mean to rain on your parade, but, I'm not ready to march in it with you yet."
This pretty much sums up how I've been feeling lately with ALL the pregnancy announcements and birth announcements flying our way. Exactly how I feel. I am so happy for others, but, at the same time it's hard because I am not happy for us (being without Wyatt that is). This can be the same feeling without a loss too. I've felt this way for a while now actually, but, losing Wyatt definitely brings an extra sting to the equation.
9 days. That should be my "due date" countdown right now. 9 days. Wow. We've come a long way since that fateful day in November when my countdown stopped. But, still a long long way to go.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
It's going to be a crazy month, but, it's been good to keep my mind busy. I start my shots tonight. I can hardly believe the time has come!
ON WITH THE SHOW!!!!!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Although, this isn't my child's birthdate. Just another "milestone" to overcome. The most painful one to date for sure.
I miss you Wyatt. With every stroller and new mommy glow I see, I ache for you. Every fat belly and cankle I spot, I yearn to be there, with you safely tucked inside. These things will not happen with you Wyatt, but, I miss you all that much more.
Hello April. I knew you'd be here...I just don't know that I'm ready!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Today, we were quacked by the group! For the a local charity duck "race" coming up soon (for an organization that provides counseling to those who have lost babies, children or for children that have lost loved ones), the online group is having members donate to have other members "quacked" as you see below.
The ducks really made our day and was a wonderful thing to walk out to this AM!!! They are SO cute...little halo's and little white wings. The lone duck on the step is in honor of Wyatt. I get to keep him! In a few days our quackers will be gone and on to another unsuspecting Mommy! :)
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Focus on regulating hormones with the kidney and liver? There was a bit of a language barrier, so, I think that's right but won't swear on it. Also going to work on relaxation. FABULOUS! Sounds like a good idea to me! So, relax me, un-nauseate me (unless it's nausea for a pregnancy, ha!), un-pain me, un-infertile me, and undo my rebellious uterus. I am down with all of this. Are my expectations too high? It can't hurt to try. Right?!?!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
After my scary skin reaction/infection (which still to this day bothers me) and a hysteroscopy in the books, it was time to move forward! Two "successful" IVF procedures-1 "chemical" pregnancy and 1 premature delivery later, here we are, March 20, 2010 with empty arms and a hole left in our hearts.
I feel stuck in time. Yet, it's moving quickly past. As we prepare for the next step in our journey to become parents, we can't help but to look beyond the immediate plans and wonder about life if things don't work out as we hope they do.
Same sh*t, different day...different year.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
I hope all my blogging friends are doing well! I've been trying to keep up with you all. Send some good wishes our way next week. I have an apt Tuesday for my repeat hydrosonogram to assess the need for a hysteroscopy. Good news through the tunnel though...as we are making plans for a FET in the very near future!!!
AND, I JUST saw this on Leno. I don't really care for him, but, this video is fabulous and I'm glad I had the station on. I am not a pregnant woman hater (really, I'm not, I think it's a beautiful and special thing and look forward one day to being there myself!), but, this just made me laugh with my recent whirlwind of emotions!!! I hope this doesn't offend anyone. Just a good release for those of us in limbo!
Monday, March 1, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Things lately have been especially tricky, as the friends we have are approaching the birth's of their children. We, of course, are happy for all of them. Yet, so very sad for us. Baby showers, invites, big bellies...it's all too much sometimes. These moments always have me wondering what might have been. What could have been. I feel so empty sometimes.
Every day is a new day. We try hard to remember the blessings we have in our lives and to live each day to the fullest, no matter how heavy our hearts may be at times.
We miss him dearly though.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Wearing yellow on March 1st shows support for endometriosis awareness, so you don't need to be an endo sufferer to get in on the fashion statement--loved ones of someone with endometriosis, or even just general supporters of increased awareness are welcome to participate!
Friday, February 12, 2010
Wyatt is always on our minds. Just another way to remember our little angel!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
The current plan is to begin Aygestin at the beginning of the next cycle to help thin the endometrium. The theory is that the suspicious areas could very well just be thickened endometrium...so, let's try this and see. I will have a repeat hydrosonogram about a month from now. We'll see how it goes! I'm hoping for the best because I am so not ready for another surgery...no matter how minor it may seem.
Oh, but, my ovaries looked "okay". I think there is something small hanging around on the right, but, better than usual which is exciting. We didn't even really discuss them at all!
I'm still spotting. Today is Day 13 and I still have spotting when I wipe. The RE did ask if I've had any abnormal bleeding after she saw the hydrosonogram. I'd say yes. Ugh. Another reason she is suspecting something is amiss.
FET will be sometime in APRIL/MAY now. A little bummed we can't have it done sooner, but, that's just the way the ball bounces. In the meantime, we are planning a mini-vacation to get away. We NEED to get AWAY!!!!!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Lots of thinking about our upcoming FET. "When is the right time". Really, is there a "right time"?!? Sure, you have to be emotionally ready. But, is that even 100% possible? I can answer that with certainty...NO. For us, waiting the process out would be more grueling than just giving it a go. Waiting 3, 6, 9 months from now isn't going to make a difference on how we are going to feel if this doesn't work out. But, waiting that long surely will draw out the anxieties. If it's not going to work out, I'd rather find out sooner than later. To us, waiting would be the most emotionally taxing of the options.
So, then, couple all these conflicts with the fact that we don't want to feel like we are trying to forget our son. We aren't. We just need to move along with our lives. But, some days that concept is easier than others to grasp.
This weekend was so strange. I need some new clothes...badly. I used to LOVE shopping. Yesterday was terrible. Because of my new body, most of my staples just aren't cutting it anymore. I've lost about 5 pounds so far, which is great, but, nothing is going to change my new shape. My hips spread with the pregnancy. That is definitely something I can do nothing about. But, it drives me insane to go shopping. I want new clothes, but, then I'm on the fence about spending good money on something because I want to be pregnant soon. I know I just need to go with the now, but, it's so hard. Then, I feel bad because I go back to knowing at this point in time, I should be shopping for more maternity clothes to clothe my ever changing belly. It's hard...so hard. I just had to give up yesterday. It was just too much.
I feel like we are constantly living our lives on the uncertain future. I want to live for today...I do. But, easier said than done. When that 2 WW starts, everything seems to be put on hold; from our new exercise routine (which I slack off on during the 2 WW "just in case"), to watching what I eat and drink and do on a daily basis. During that wait, I am constantly doing things "just in case". And, of course it would be totally worth it if that "just in case" became fact. But, it usually doesn't and you go back to square one when the rain of pain comes down. A cyclical rut.
Speaking of cyclical my period was very much interesting. I can tell I'm having issues similar to "back in the day". In particular my GI symptoms are definitely flaring back up. The heartburn, the pain, the nausea. And, now, the diarrhea and possible bleeding "there" associated with my period (hoping it's just hemorrhoids?!?! Yes, TMI, I know). So, trying to stay in tuned with my body and definitely going to be having a conversation with the RE about the latest. The colon stuff bothers me...a lot. The only reason it wasn't re-sected at my last lap was for fertility reasons. They were not sure that they could successful resect and remove my colon from my uterus without causing a lot of damage. So, yeah, the colon symptoms REALLY bother me to think about.
Tuesday AM is my hydro sonogram. Which, may or may not bring it's own interesting twists to the story. Please keep your fingers crossed! I'm very anxious to have this done.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
I should have known better.
Still waiting. I thought I started spotting this AM, but, it was just a trick apparently.
It's supposed to snow/sleet/ice a good bit here tonight. Would be a perfect weekend to bundle up with my heating pad and bottle of ibuprofen...I'm ready.
Emotionally, I'm ready!!!
And, anxiously looking ahead to next week (maybe?!?!) for my hydrosonogram.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
An Acorn fell from the tree,
Landed with a plop onto the ground and settled there,
Prepared to grow
A squirrel, storing food for winter,
Grabbing the acorn, with his paws,
Hastily scampered away to his nest.
A tree that almost was.
Snowflakes falling to the ground,
Gathering together upon the mountain
A blanket of white, prepared for Spring.
Parched earth, dry for lack of rain,
Awaits the rapidly melting snow,
And drinks heartily, consuming all.
A stream that almost was.
A pencil, paper with lines,
With notes partially filling the page;
Words written down, prepared for singing,
A tune, a psalm of praise
Floating inside an old saint's head;
Work calls to him, and time flies-
A hymn that almost was.
New life growing within;
Heart, limbs, and identity developing,
Legs and arms moving, prepared for living.
Happy parents, anticipating the future,
Their hearts and home making ready,
And God calls Home the little soul-
A child who almost was.
Someday, in the realms of Glory I shall celebrate-
I shall sit under the tree that almost was;
Beside the stream that almost was;
Sing the hymn that almost was
And hold in my arms the child who almost was.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
We miss you Wyatt!
Friday, January 22, 2010
My story-the skinny version!
Diagnosed with Stage IV endo in Feb 2oo8 during exploratory lap
Lupron for endo treatment March-June 2008
Recurrent endometrioma on right ovary found on US for fertility work up
Femara cycles, Dec 2008 and Jan 2009
Pain back-2nd lap March 2009 (main goal to preserve fertility)
IVF#1- April-May 2009: "Chemical pregnancy" (I HATE that term)
We lost our son Wyatt at 18 weeks into the pregnancy due to PPROM and a large retroplacental hematoma. Saddest, yet most blessed day of our lives bc we got to meet our son and hold him, although his soul was already in a better place. We miss him everyday and will never forget our first born child!
Now-back with my beloved RE. Hydrosonogram to be scheduled within the next few weeks to check for scarring due to retained placenta after the delivery. FET is probably going to be Feb with our two embies in the freezer.
Yipes! That was a lot to type on this teeny keyboard! Thanks for visitng my blog! More detailed posts can be found under my blogs "history".
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Premature rupture of membranes was the ultimate cause of the loss of fluids. Why? Have no idea. The hematoma may or may not have played a role in them breaking. She's looking more into that for us as well. Apparently the hematoma was near my cervix...which didn't seem good from our conversation. But, she said that the hematoma didn't necessarily cause it. They'll never know really. Apparently, though, having my membranes prematurely break will put me at higher risk for future pregnancies. Fun...right?!?!
We talked about FET, Femara timed intercourse cycles, and, just trying on our own for a while. A full IVF cycle is out for us until next year if we choose or need to go that route. I will have another hydrosonogram in the next few weeks after my period. My RE is concerned about possible scarring from the retained placenta. She said it doesn't happen often, but, that she definitely wanted to check it all out. And also she wants to take a look at my ovaries. I'm very eager to have the scan done.
I've started having pains again. This time it's actually IN my uterus/cervical area. So, definitely eager to get that sonogram done! My ovary has been pretty painful too. Gotta love endo, right? Daym.
Okay, this was WAY longer than I had anticipated. More next week when I can feeling a bit more perky. :)
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Everything came back 100% normal-no chromosomal abnormalities. While this obviously has us very relieved, we are also left with so many questions unanswered. I would never in a million years want anything to be wrong with our beautiful Wyatt. But, I was kinda hoping it wasn't all on the fact that my body enjoys to revolt against me.
So, we are left with the theory of the hematoma. More specifically a "retroplacental" hematoma. Why it happened or never went away is anyone's guess. There are theories, but, nothing that is concrete. It ranges from " it's just one of those things" to my endometriosis and it's possible role in interfering with implantation. The uncertainty is enough to drive anyone insane.
The rest of the work week was okay. No major hiccups. I never stop thinking about Wyatt. The thoughts get easier though. The pain is still very there-deep in my gut. I know that gut-wrenching sorrow will never fully go away. I don't expect it to. I don't really want it to either. I heard something very wise this week about how someone coped with their loss-when the time comes that you need to grieve, immerse yourself in that moment and grieve so you can move on until the next moment arises. Try not to push these moments aside and really just let them take you over. It really does help-pretty much sums up how I've been coping and grieving. I just thought it was interesting put into words like that.
We have an appointment on Tuesday with the RE...to discuss what happened and what is next. We won't be doing much this year in the way of IVF procedures, except for maybe a FET (frozen embryo transfer). We have two beautiful frosties waiting on us. We have maxed out our insurance on fertility procedures. It really didn't take much. Really. Next year I can roll over to my insurance which will cover an additional $25K if needed. But, that's another year. It'll be interesting to say the least. I have to re-invest faith in my body and it's capabilities. Whatever they may be. We'll see how the apt goes. I'm glad to be going back to such an amazing team. I need that familiarity and compassion right now.
Thank you all for your continuing support!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
The first day back wasn't too bad. I was in tears before I even made it in the door. Only one person caused more to erupt, but, not by being dumb. Just with a simple hug. Mostly I was "avoided"; I guess it's really hard for people to know what to do or say? A co-worker emailed me today and said anytime I needed to talk or share pictures or whatever, that she was there...and that she was sorry she didn't say anything before then; she just wasn't sure what to say or not to say. It was a wonderful email and I very much appreciated her reaching out.
I just want people to acknowledge I had a baby and that Wyatt is and always will be a part of my life ("I'm sorry" would be sufficient). I don't want them to ignore it, or, me. We'll see how the rest of the week goes. Maybe they are giving me time to settle in.
I did have one of our pharmacists today ask me how the baby was, while pointing at my belly. Apparently he was out of the loop and unfortunately for him I was the one to break it to him. The sheer horror on his face was pretty unbearable. You could tell that he was just sick about having asked when I told him what happened. I was able to reassure him it was "okay" that he asked, and held the tears until I was able to be alone.
Lots of hurdles to overcome, but, I'm surviving out there. Not looking forward already to next week as I know I will HAVE to have some face to face time with a girl that is due the day after I was. A girl who REALLY likes to flaunt her pregnancy. I'm hoping she'll have the courtesy to tone it down some.
So, here I am. Thanks for thinking of me everyone!
Oh. Called my OB on Monday to see if the results from Wyatt's cord blood was back. No such luck. Seriously, it's been the 4-6 weeks. BRING IT. I'm getting really anxious and beginning to wonder if the hospital lost the blood. I would be absolutely SICK if that happened. My mom works in a lab and is theorizing that since it was all over the holidays that they are probably behind. I sure hope that is the case and we get everything back soon. I would really love to have the results when we go talk with the RE next week. So, keep your fingers crossed! I'm just ready to KNOW...whatever knowledge (or lack there of) that there is from the results.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
I'm VERY nervous about how the day will go tomorrow and throughout the week. I don't know what to expect. Everyone there knows I was pregnant...everyone. I was 18 weeks. Of COURSE people knew.
A lot of my co-workers have been fabulous during this time. Many brought food over to our house during the first three weeks after we lost Wyatt. They sent cards, flowers, and special gifts. But, even with as amazing as most of my co-workers are, there are always those few. Heck, even being amazing doesn't mean you won't say something stupid.
And, as much as I am afraid of people saying something stupid, I'm more afraid of people just completely ignoring what happened. I need recognition of Wyatt. He is my first born. My son. I don't want people just pretending he never existed and that I haven't just gone through something very traumatizing in my life. Most of the people my husband works with pretty much ignored everything and just pretended that life was honkey dorey. Yes, life goes on, but, that doesn't mean we want to pretend the past isn't our past.
So, here I am. Anxious as hell and wondering what these next 5 days will bring. I know I will survive. I know eventually it'll all feel "normal" again (a new normal). I can and will do this and carry on. But, just because I am carrying on from the outside, doesn't mean that the hurt isn't there on the inside.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
It's a bittersweet greeting to welcome the new year. It's going to be a lot different of a year than we expected. Instead of welcoming in a new part of our family into this world, we are still grieving and saying goodbye. All the while trying to hold on to hope for the future. A future we shouldn't even be contemplating at this point. But, we cant change the path of our lives. We can't stop living. We have to try to look ahead and live each day.
2009 was both a blessed year and a terrible one at the same time. Most of it we are glad to leave behind. Some of it will never leave us (and we wouldn't want it to). Our past is what makes up who we are. It's woven and ingrained into our lives and helps to shape our future. A future we sometimes wish we could peek into to know what to expect, but, we unfortunately cannot. Or, maybe that's for the better that we can't.
We have many hopes and dreams for 2010. As you can imagine our biggest dream is of a family. Will 2010 be the year that our dream finally comes true? It was supposed to be. Maybe it still can be.
Here's to hoping for a wonderful 2010. For us, and, for you all!