I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!





Wednesday, June 16, 2010

A weird day

I know I said I wasn't going to write, but, I guess the time has come to where I am feeling the need...

I had a really weird day today. I went in this AM for some monitoring at my RE's office. They were checking to see if my lining was nice and thick (they want it to be over 6 mm, today mine was 7.5, during my IVF it was 10) and checking on my progesterone. The results? "Perfect". Excuse me? Of COURSE it's perfect...because we aren't attempting anything treatment-wise. But, nonetheless, we have a pass for a natural FET cycle whenever we are ready. Still unsure of when that will be. That's where a good bit of the stress came from today. Sensibly, it seems we should wait until October. But, all you infertiles out there know how painful that many months can seem! It's even WORSE TTC'ing after a loss. Making the wait THAT much more painful. We'll see how it goes. However it happens, I need to learn to be at peace with the when. It's just hard since my mind is still wondering on the IF. Will they thaw properly?! With only two, some days it feels like the odds are against me. Maybe not though. I was deemed "perfect" today, cycle wise. Stranger things have happened!

The hardest part of the day was the room I was in was the room where we saw and heard Wyatt's heartbeat for the first time at 6 weeks. I remember laying there crying tears of joy to hear such a wonderful noise. Today I just laid there, emotionless and broken, looking at my empty uterus. Sucks!!!! So gut wrenching painful!!! We are coming up on 7 MONTHS this weekend. On Fathers Day. Word.

4 comments:

Barb's Bumpy Ride said...

First, I am very sorry for your loss. I am sorry that is a pain you are experiencing. I am so very happy for you to have had, what sounds like, a successful doctor’s appointment. I will keep you in my prayers as I do all my Endosisters. I suffered two miscarriages and 3 preterm labor pregnancies, I know it does not compare to your experience but if you ever need to talk or vent I would gladly be there for you! Best of luck Honey!

Christa said...

I'm so sorry you are going through these struggles and how it sucks to take breaks. Life isn't fair sometimes. ((hugs)) to you friend.

Katie said...

Sending you lots of hugs as you deal with this upcoming anniversary and Father's Day.

devon said...

no words... but lots of HUGS! sorry you are going through this... xoxo