Endometriosis, Infertility, Miscarriage and Life in general
I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!
Truth be told, I am scared out of my mind and in complete and utter shock. The incessant migraines the past few days though gave it away for me...I should have known. I'm so scared. I just sat on the bed staring at the phone when the nurse told me. Lots of conflicting emotions. So, trying to stay grounded here and wait for Weds. test to see if they can double. Until then, I'm in love!!!! And I will be thankful for what we have been given, even though it isn't a guarantee.
If you know me, don't tell others that don't read this blog. We'll all talk more later! And, neither of our parents know a thing. Waiting a little bit so they don't have to ride an emotional roller coaster with us if there is one.
I'm ready for our beta! If these migraines and nausea are any indication, we are in some kind of business. Just not sure of what nature. I called the RE on call this AM begging to come off the estrogen patches because I had 3 migraines in 24 hours. Nursing my migraine hangover now and debating going to work tomorrow.
Bring on the bw. I've never tested this late... what would be a good beta?!
Yeah. Not so good with that. LOL. I'm driving myself insane analyzing symptoms. Sooooooooooo ready for Monday! This really could go either way. Preparing myself for bad news, while remaining hopeful. Is hopeful pessimism real? ;)
On our way to see family and its shaping up to be a gorgeous day! My toes are pleased in their flip flops for the mid 70's today! I am thankful for so much this year... even though at times it doesn't feel like I have a lot to be thankful for. That couldn't be father from the truth, and I'm glad we have today to reflect on that! We have an amazing set of friends and family. I have the best and most loving husband. We have good jobs, a wonderful home, and a crazy cat. We are truly blessed! We are parents to a beautiful angel son and hopeful for another chance at parenthood here on this earth.
I hope you find time today to feel thankful. I know the journey if infertility and Endo is a difficult one, but, be thankful today for something beautiful!
Today I am 7dp5dFET (12dp"o"). Technically the HCG shot should be out of my system and I could start POAS. But, I just can't do it. Why? There are several reasons. The biggest reason is that pregnancy test sticks are EVIL. I've only seen a positive pregnancy test once...that was about 7 weeks into my last pregnancy when I started bleeding. Other than that, there are never two lines. There is never "pregnant" staring me back in the face. It's too much rejection! Expensive rejection!!
Another reason is our experience with a "chemical" pregnancy. So what if it says "Pregnant". Am I really? Only for a few days? I want to see the numbers...if there are numbers to be seen. I need the cold hard facts. Maybe that's the researcher in me.
Then, there's the fact that Thanksgiving is a mere 2 days away. We didn't so much have a good Thanksgiving last year. I spent the majority of the evening in the ER with post partum bleeding that was eventually remedied with a D&C. We want to enjoy the holiday, blissfully ignorant of our results. We are going to be with family and friends all weekend. If we needed time to be to ourselves, there wouldn't be much time for that. We will count our blessings and be thankful that we have even been given this opportunity. And to continue to be thankful for the things that we do have in our lives.
So, I will try to not drive myself insane (sometimes that's hard, lol), wondering what's going on in there. I do have a few symptoms, but, those could very easily be attributed to the progesterone and estrogen that I am on. I just have to trust that if there is something beautiful happening inside of me, right now, I am doing all that I can do.
I don't mind at all that you are following :) I just wanted to know. Sometimes it's nice to know who's out there. Thanks for thinking I'm interesting enough to read up on! Love y'all!!! Keep your fingers crossed our way!
Okay, so, I'm asking for all my stalking real life friends and family to let yourself be known. I don't mind you following along, I just want to know who will be ahead of any news curve there may or may not be in the next few weeks. I've already had one confession!
Love you, and, thanks for following... now fess up! ;)
It's been a while since I've participated! Not sure why-lazy much? Anyway, just a brief background: I'm 30 and we've been trying to have a baby for 3 1/2 years now. I have stage IV endometriosis that was diagnosed in 2/2008. I've had 2 IVF procedures. Both were successful-the first in May 2009 resulted in a chemical pregnancy. The 2nd was in July/August 2009. That pregnancy ended at 18 weeks with the birth of our son...they say due to premature rupture of membranes. We were devastated and heartbroken, left to pick up the pieces and move on with our lives without the child we worked and prayed so hard for.
We've been trying since March 2010 to have our FET done. After two failed attempts, we were finally able to have it done on November 16th and both of our frozen embryo's were transferred! We are currently in the "two week" wait. Meanwhile, we just honored our son's birthday yesterday, November 20th. It's been a roller coaster of a fall!!!!
We became parents. Just a little too early. Today we remember our son Wyatt. A year ago today we were living every parents nightmare... knowing we would never know our son in this world. Although it was one of the worst, it was one of the most beautiful as well as i gave birth and we held our baby boy. If only for a little while, that time will remain in our hearts forever.
Happy Birthday Wyatt. Thank you for allowing us to know the love of being parents. That is something this world can never take away from us!
I need patience! So, technically today is 7dpo? Kind of confused with the whole fet thing. 2dp5dt? I guess it doesn't matter. My real countdown is to my official beta. 11 days! Today i had some VERY light spotting and cramping
Last night was pretty exciting with my last hcg shot. My husband could NOT get the needle in. After four attempts I called a nurse friend in for backup. ;) poor guy got so nervous! As did I!!
Two days until our sons birthday. I can hardly believe is been a year. After his burial service on Monday, I've had a strange peace over me. I still think Saturday will be hard. Wish we were celebrating a first birthday differently!
Ov.idrel Tuesday gets this party started!!! Transfer in T-minus 8 days!!!
Son's "birthday" in 12 days. It's gonna be a wild ride!!!
Honestly though, the timing seems kinda perfect, in it's own, strangly emotional way. We are burying Wyatt on Monday, the 15th. That has been planned for a few months now (thinking I was having our transfer today). Lay him to rest and hopefully start a new journey with our transfer the next day? One can only hope. Not to forget our past. We will never forget or want to. Just to begin moving forward with another phase. Not to say that this isn't a very emotional time for us right now, because it is. But, this is a nice, hopeful distraction. We just have to not get too hopeful, or this will surely be a crushing blow.
Really, is there such thing as not getting too hopeful?
SHUT UP. There was a follicle this morning!!! Not at all mature, but, one nonetheless. I am going in tomorrow AM just for another good measure and then, Tuesday is the planned day for the ov.idrel!!! And the following Tuesday-transfer. WHAT?!?! Are we SERIOUSLY going forward? FORWARD? Trying not to get too excited-still a lot of variables ahead. But, it feels good to be going in the right direction! One.step.at.a.time!
Yeah, it's kinda confusing. I don't even understand fully. See, I'm one to question medical professionals-about EVERYTHING. But, when it comes to ART sometimes, I'd rather leave it to them. I'm OCD and stressed out enough about this, sometimes I cannot bother myself with the little details. However, I too was very confused about the follicle and this FET. It's never been an issue before-we always focued on the lining. What's going on?!?
Basically, it's like this. Since this is different from a traditional FET cycle (more drugs, including ovary stimulating ones), there are certain parameters that they have to follow. My mistake, it doesn't have to be a MATURE follicle. WHEW-sigh of relief there since I've had a few issues with that before. There just needs to be something resembling one present before we move forward. Why? The follicle signals the ovulatory process, and all the wonderful, embryo welcoming features it brings with it. Seeing that follicle will tell them that things are SUPER optimal for go. It will start my natural progesterone and all the good hormones that make a nice home for the embies. Extra protection if you will for these blasts that are waiting for us.
If there never comes a follicle...I am not 100% sure that they will cancel this cycle. Maybe it just won't be optimal. I didn't ask. I know, I know. Honestly though, I don't want to think about that if. We are ready to move forward. Positive thoughts...right?!?!
I think they are just being extra conservative. They really want this to work out for us. We've had one chemical pregnancy and one 2nd trimester loss. They are really wanting to make sure that this sticks...and sticks properly. At least, that's how I see it.
If things look good tomorrow (going in Sunday AM for another US), then, I'll have my ovidrel shot then next weekend is the transfer (5 day blasts-WOOT!). Here's to hoping!!! THANKS EVERYONE for helping to keep me sane! ;)
Okay, another appointment set for Sunday AM to see if a follicle will just "pop" up. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. So, definitely won't be a Monday transfer. Why isn't my either one of my ovaries making a goof follicle? How will it make a mature follicle from under 10mm in two days? Is that even possible? I don't mind paying for another pen....if this is going to happen. Really, at this point, I need to buy one "just in case".
There isn't a problem? Well, I dunno totally about that, but, my lining is at 8 mm this morning! CAN I GET A WOOT WOOT? Holy cow, I am pure excitement right now, and it's not even 8 AM. I'm trying not to get totally caught up in this. See, this isn't something that the clinic normally does...a FET with this combo of drugs. It's working on my lining! However, my ovaries aren't so impressed, as seen by the not so present follicle/s. So, really, the nurse just flat out said she isn't sure what the Dr. will do. ACK! So, just waiting on a call. Hoping hoping hoping that everything will fall into place-I'll run out of Gonal.F Sat. I soooooo dont want to have to buy another pen!
I went in for my first US today. Lining is up to 6mm, which, is good. That's all it would ever get up to the last two times, and, that's the minimum they'd like to see for a FET. So, hopefully that will continue to progress and we can get out of that grey area-I know they will not transfer me at the minimum. They'd also like to see a mature follicle to signal the ovulatory process. None of that yet. A few on the right that will most likely never mature...they never do. There are some on the left too-rooting for one of those!!! Soooooo nervous about this. I will go in again on Friday and see what's going on. The transfer was originally scheduled for Monday. I am not sure if we are still on course for that or not. This has been the longest week! On top of all of this, I'm battling a delicious little head cold. Great timing, as usual. Hoping to shake this off, and fast!