I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!

Friday, April 30, 2010

Roll with the punches?

Really? Cause I'm not sure how much more I can take.

FET canceled-lining isn't thick enough. Of course. I am just hovering around 6mm...which is technically enough, but, we need the best. Apparently during the fresh cycles my lining got around 10mm! So, on to another period-im stopping all meds today. What a waste.

Ill go back in June sometime for monitoring of a "normal" cycle or two to see where my lining gets naturally. If that doesn't do well and we can't try a natural FET cycle, the RE wants to try some other meds (stims I believe) to see if they help.

More of the waiting game. I am beyond frustrated and disappointed. I thought things were finally moving in the right direction!

What a way to end National Infertility week. Still infertile.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Could have been...

First of all, things seem to be okay with the GI issues. Waiting on the labwork for any definite celebration, but, things are moving foward with the cycle. :) Thanks for the comments!

Today, instead of making excited phone calls and rushing to the hospital, we are left picking up the pieces of our hearts and wondering what life what have been...could have been...right now. Today was my estimated due date with Wyatt. We wish we could be celebrating right now. To hold our son. To hear him cry, feel his warm, lively body. What we wouldn't give. We don't regret our time with him though and feel so blessed we were given the chance to hold him, to see him, to love him.

We miss Wyatt so much. My heart aches for him and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think or speak of him. We wish today, this week, this month could have been so different for us. We will always remember and love you Wyatt. Always. Thank you for touching our lives and letting us feel the love of a mother and father.

Love you baby boy!!!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

What's a journey without a few bumps in the road?!?!

Right?!!? This is the story of our lives! This past weekend I had some GI issues and now I am possibly facing the situation of a canceled FET cycle if my labwork doesn't turn out okay. I'm not sure how long it'll be before I hear back. I am going to talk to the GI tomorrow when I go and ask that they put a stat request on it all. I am supposed to be transferred in 1 1/2 weeks. The sooner we know...the better!

So, here we go. Waiting to wait some more. Prayers please and fingers crossed! If there is something going on, obviously I'd like that taken care of now and things will just have to be delayed for the best. But, even more obvious, I'd love for it to be all a bunch of fuss for nothing!

What a week!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Just wanted to share

I heard something last night at our group counseling session that I really liked and really summed up how I've been feeling lately...and I wanted to share because I'm sure a lot of you out there would agree!

"I don't mean to rain on your parade, but, I'm not ready to march in it with you yet."

This pretty much sums up how I've been feeling lately with ALL the pregnancy announcements and birth announcements flying our way. Exactly how I feel. I am so happy for others, but, at the same time it's hard because I am not happy for us (being without Wyatt that is). This can be the same feeling without a loss too. I've felt this way for a while now actually, but, losing Wyatt definitely brings an extra sting to the equation.

9 days. That should be my "due date" countdown right now. 9 days. Wow. We've come a long way since that fateful day in November when my countdown stopped. But, still a long long way to go.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

On with the show!

Life is CRAZY these days. But, hopefully crazy will be good! Our house is FINALLY under contract!!!!!!!!!!!! Although the timing is anything but perfect with the upcoming FET, we will make it work somehow. We will officially be homeless May 20th. HOOORAY! We are going to look at houses this weekend, but, we are pretty certain we want to build. Which, will put us out of house until August. Yes, we are insane. But, when is anything perfect timing?!?!? So, we have to shop for an apartment, house, storage unit, and be completely out in 6 weeks. This is all assuming the inspection will go well. And, well, I know I shouldn't assume. I'm hoping though. PLEASE hope with me! Oh yeah, and there is a FET transfer in there too. YIPES! Hope and pray for that one too!!!!

It's going to be a crazy month, but, it's been good to keep my mind busy. I start my shots tonight. I can hardly believe the time has come!


Thursday, April 1, 2010

It's finally here

April. I should be saying those words at 37/38 weeks pregnant and with much more excitement in my tone. But, well, we all know that things are very different. Instead of celebrating the births of our children with the 5 friends we have that are due this month...we mourn our loss all over again. We hope to more celebrate him, but, I know it will not be without tears.

Although, this isn't my child's birthdate. Just another "milestone" to overcome. The most painful one to date for sure.

I miss you Wyatt. With every stroller and new mommy glow I see, I ache for you. Every fat belly and cankle I spot, I yearn to be there, with you safely tucked inside. These things will not happen with you Wyatt, but, I miss you all that much more.

Hello April. I knew you'd be here...I just don't know that I'm ready!