I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas!

While we are feeling so blessed this year because of the upcoming potential in our life, we also are missing our baby boy who left us far too soon. Looking at fellow bloggers tickers and facebook friend's status updates, I am constantly reminded of milestones we will never reach with Wyatt. Hard to believe, if born full-term, he would have been 8 MONTHS old for this Christmas. Kind of hard to NOT think of this day and what it could have been.

Instead we hold our heads high and hope for the future. So blessed and glad we have that light of hope lit in our hearts right now.

I know in the struggle of illness and infertility, some days it's hard to realize our blessings. Holidays can be especially painful, especially on such holidays where the magic of children is so stressed and so in our faces (believe me...when you struggle with infertility...it feels VERY much in your face!!!). But, I hope today you can feel the warmth and love of those around you and are comforted by sharing this day with family and friends. Merry Christmas and many great blessings for the new year to come!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Mourning after losing a baby-article on Oprah.com

What's beautiful about this piece is that it captures the heartache of the process, and yet shows how we find a way to make it to the next day...and the day after that.  This is a husband, telling his heartache.  But, those of us who have lost can surely relate!  I know I did!!!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Don't get too excited

Really?  Why would you say this to someone?  I had a friend say this to me the other day.  And a family member (not a close one).  Add this to the growing list of moronic things that people say to you  ;) 
My husband and I have decided that we are going to enjoy this pregnancy.  One day at a time.  I never want to regret not being happy about this time in our lives.  Yes, it's scary as hell.  But, there is some really wonderful and joyful potential going on in there.  What if I do make it full term and have this child for this world?  Then I will look back on this pregnancy...and wonder how I could have enjoyed it more?  I don't want those regrets.  Take each and every day and enjoy it unless we are given reason to do otherwise!
Besides, like I said before, it's kind of impossible not to be hopeful and excited.  Seriously impossible.  Isn't this what we wish for as "infertiles"?  Isn't this what we dream about?  I will not take the time we are given with this pregnancy for granted.  Whether it be 8 weeks or 9 months!  This is what we hope and dream for...and I will be happy!!!  Damn.it!  Scared yes.  Happy, definitely!!!
Love you little bean!!!  We have our first OB appointment tomorrow.  Maybe we'll get to see you again.  If not, please behave and grow!  We will do the best we can from out here!!!

Friday, December 17, 2010


One baby.  Great heartbeat.  Measuring perfectly.  WOW.  I am still shaking and in shock. 
We are beyond excited and scared!  Very different feeling from the last pregnacy.  Definitely very appreciative but so apprehensive.  We will just take it one day at a time.  I have graduated to an OB and will be followed both by him and a Maternal and Fetal Medicine group (because I am considered high risk).  My first appointment is next Weds and hopefully we'll get a better idea of how appointments and all will go throughout.  I'm glad to be followed so closely, so hopefully we can bring this baby home with us in about 7-ish months.  NO SOONER!!!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

The impossible

It is impossible to ignore or want to ignore what is hopefully going on inside of me. Even though we know anything can happen and things are uncertain... we can't help but obviously love this life that is developing and pray for it constantly. Loss and infertility has certainly put a whole different spin on the appreciation of conceiving and the whole process of a pregnancy. Each week is a cause for celebration, each bout of nausea is a welcome ill (er splitting migraines are not welcome thank you- ha ha), yet each moment feels so uncertain and unsure.

Pregnancy after a loss is so very different. It's hopeful, scary, exciting, surreal. I haven't even been able to come up with words to express myself. Hopefully I'll have another 7 1/2 months to feel it out and share.

8 days until the ultrasound. We are ready to see you little one. Even though we are very tentative, know you are loved immensely!!!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Numbers are good!

So good that I can stop these blasted estrogen patches!!!  I ripped that thing off so quickly...pretty sure it took a couple of layers of skin with it.  I've been having killer migraines the past few days.  The past 4 out of 5 days to be exact.  They've been so bad, I finally talked myself into going to the ER.  Fingers crossed that they will calm down a bit with getting rid of the Vi.velle!!! 
934 was the magic number today.  :)  My estrogen was 120-something  They are quite pleased and I'll be going in two weeks for an ultrasound when I am 7weeks, 1 day.  Tomorrow is 5 weeks!!!  Not meaning to complain about the migraines...not that I am not thankful for this pregnancy.  Because I am!!!  Honestly though, I could do without the debilitating head explosions!
I can't wait to hear and see the heartbeat and really get settled into the thought of being pregnant again!!!  It still doesn't feel real.  I guess I still have my guard up.
Love you little bean!  Grow strong and please nestle in for the long haul!!!  Please!!!