I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


Period started today.  I should go to the clinic and be like "Implantation THIS".  ;)  Not that I wasn't thinking it, because, hell...I've been TTC for YEARS.  Of course I grasp at any little straw out there.  But, don't further plant the idea into my brain!!!!
Here we go again.  The rain of pain has begun!  My periods haven't been too awful lately, but, I can feel them getting worse.  And by that I mean the 1-2 weeks leading up to my period are starting to become more noticeable.  Those deep pains I've had for about a week now...the nausea...the back pain...
Just keep on keeping on, and go with the flow (literally) for now.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

What what?

So...2 weeks from this coming Tuesday I was at the RE's office getting measured and blood drawn for hormones for a hopeful natural FET. My lining was 6-something (they'd prefer 7+) and my progesterone was 1.6 (they'd prefer at least 2). Conditions not preferable-cycle scrapped. I HAD NOT YET OVULATED, there were a few follicles, but, none close to mature.

Fast forward to Friday (just a few days ago-8 days post my appointment). I started spotting. Weird spotting. Tuesday and Weds of that week I was hurting in the belly-so badly I was almost convinced my cyst was leaking fluid into my abdomen. THAT kind of pain.

This morning, instead of being worse, it's stopped completely, only present slightly when I wipe. Obviously this is WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY too early to be my period. WTH is going on?!?! This afternoon I'm having these weird, DEEP pelvic floor pains-almost feels like it's in the bone. PAINFUL.

If things weren't odd enough, now all this drama? I've peed on a stick. "Not Pregnant" per usual-RE's nurse suggested perhaps it could be implantation bleeding. Really?!? You say that to a hopeful patient?! I know they were trying to be optimistic, but, errrrrrrrrrr. She also agreed that it was way too early for ME to be having my period, and to keep them updated.

So, I'm waiting around, trying to figure out what's going on with this weirdo cycle! Thanks again to the silly cyst and the whacked out hormones?

Yep, this is one of those TMI blogs for those that didn't know ;)

Thursday, July 22, 2010

This is why I share my story of infertility

This is why I am so open and honest about our struggles sometimes.  It's a lot for a couple to bear themselves.  Thank you to all of our friends, family and strangers who listen and let us do the things we need to do to carry on and move forward when at times it just seems impossible.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Time flies when you are "having fun"?

Wow. I just looked at my ticker. 8 months today. Wow. Wow. Wow. Has it really been 8 months? Seriously, where does time go?

I had the most real and sad dream last night/this AM. How fitting is that timing? I was 32-34 weeks pregnant. We were at some sort of function, and my water broke. I knew I needed to get to the hospital, but, my grandmother was there and she was taking FOREVER to get ready. For some reason in my head, I had to get there within the hour. Then, I woke up. And realized I was NOT pregnant. Then, the tears and pitted feeling in my stomach all day, in addition to my endo pain.

My grandmother taking forever-our wait in this journey to fertility?
Getting there within the hour-my growing impatience with this process?
My water breaking-my broken spirit as of late?

I miss you Wyatt.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

How much is enough?

I honestly don't know how people can ride this train to fertility for so long. My steam is running out quickly. It's been a really rough week here. I get the news that maybe I should have a funeral for my right ovary soon...then news the a friend's daughter died. 17 years old. Things just aren't making sense anymore!!! So, needless to say it's been a week of very raw and roller coaster type emotions. Sadness for us. Sadness for friends. Sadness for the sadness around us!! :(

We've been trying for 3 years. Long, but, not nearly as long as a lot of couples I'm sure. How much is too much or enough?!?! When do you stop trying (and, by trying I mean thinking about it and actively trying every day that passes) and move on with your life? I'm tired and feel so beaten down. The tricky thing? I've been pregnant. It CAN happen. But, now I wonder, IF it ever happens again...for how long?!?! Long enough to have a baby, or, long enough to send me reeling into insanity? IF. IF. IF. The questions just keep getting more and more twisted the longer we travel down this road.

I think I am depressed. I miss my baby and yearn for the chance to be a mother here on this earth. But, am I missing out on the life around me and letting it pass me by? I don't know. And, I don't want it to! If there's nothing else that I've taken from this week, it's being reminded how precious and fragile life really is.

So, how do we NOT (actively) try? That's not a question I can ask someone that doesn't know the struggles of infertility. How does one that knows EVERYTHING about their cycle and timing NOT try for a few months? How does someone that wants a child so badly NOT try for just a little while. Just for a mental break? It's so much easier for my husband...he is blissfully ignorant of mucus signs, body temps and twinging ovaries. Just for one day, I wish I could be him!!! He wants a family just as badly as I do, but, for him SOMETIMES I think it's easier to keep moving forward.

So, maybe a break for a few months...if I can stand it? A month or two of "not trying"...which, for me maybe would mean not trying AS hard?!?!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Eff you Endo...EFF you

No go.  There is an endometrioma hanging off my right ovary, and, apparently I attempted to ovulate from that side this month.  It's presence is inhibiting the production of the hormones I need to plump up the lining and to get my progesterone anywhere near where it needs to be.  No mature follicles, lining too thin and progesterone too low. 
I hate this. 

Monday, July 12, 2010

Drumroll please...

Here we go.  Sorry it's kinda fuzzy.  That's a smiley face (ie, detected LH surge).  Appointment is tomorrow morning to assess my lining and progesterone.  I wish it was 6:30 AM already!!!  Drugs are ready just in case.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let this be the month!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Ahhhh, the waiting game continues

Still waiting for the smiley face on my monitor. I usually ovulate around day 16. Today is only day 13. La-de-dah. This is nerve wracking! I almost prefer the shots and ultrasounds (although, I won't complain because this is definitely cheaper!) because there is something to DO every day...not something to WAIT on everyday. I'm so nervous about my lining and progesterone levels and am just ready to see where those are. Not tomorrow I'm afraid. Another day...soon?!?

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Get your pee pee on

LOL. That's the motto around our house right now. Tomorrow is Day10, and time to starting peeing on some sticks. I don't usually ovulate until days 14-16, so, the LH surge probably won't be until next week. We'll see! Hurdle #1 is fast approaching-gotta pass the lining and progesterone test!!!

Oh, and this time they prescribed a cream for the progesterone (for after LH surge)? Anyone have any experience with this goop?! Just wondering what to expect!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Shhhh...here we go

Today is Day 3-baseline US and BW. Natural FET. This may really be happening. Fingers crossed this body can do it's thing. That's hurdle #1. One.step.at.a.time.

Also, endometrioma update-there's one there as I suspected and it's about 2.6cm. I knew it, they just never really told me until today. I'm thankful it's not any bigger though and not causing many problems at the moment. It's the little things that fill my cup with joy.

Here's to hoping...