I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!

Sunday, May 31, 2009

New beginnings

Or, at least a new week, right? We went out for sushi and wine on Friday night. I had part of a glass of wine and felt so guilty. I wish my period would just come already and put us out of our misery. Until that happens, I don't really feel any closure, you know? It's so strange...just a very strange and not fun feeling. I've been up and down this weekend. We tried to stay busy, which was good. It was a "relaxing" sort of busy though. Lots of time with friends, the sun and the pool.

Tonight we went to see "Up" with some friends. O-M-G, it was not the most uplifting of tales. The story was amazing, but, just not the happy go lucky type of movie. I cried several times. Even my hubby had a tear or two. Just a warning!!!

So, my incision hates me again. Seriously. It was looking SO good. It's at least closing up some now and not still gaping. But, tonight it was really itchy. I pulled my shirt up to check it out and you can see the bandage lines from MARCH. MARCH! Man, my skin had a ROUGH time. This is only really with one of the incisions now-the upper one that they just used to see if they could cut into my belly button! It's definitely going to take a while for my skin to regain it's integrity. Crazy. Well, now I guess I can go on a steroid to help it out.

Oh, my bottom is so itchy and sore (from the PIO shots). I have the lumpiness I wasn't really expecting but I guess I was warned. And, there is a red knot that itches like fire. I'm such a freak sometimes!! ;)

So, no real point to the post. I just needed to write. Ever since the movie, I've just been a little emotional this evening. I'm glad it's almost time to go to bed!

THANK YOU for all the wonderful and sincere comments!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You guys ROCK!

Friday, May 29, 2009

Maybe next time

So, I'm officially in the process of a miscarriage, or whatever the clinic calls it. My numbers dropped today from 64 to 49. I know it's all for a reason, but, it still hurts. I should expect my period within the next week or two. That ought to be fun-I haven't had one since March! Ughhhhh. I have a follow-up June 10th; we'll talk about what the next step will be then. Until then, I just hope the torture will be over before June 8-happy bday to me!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Hope, without getting our hopes up

Thank you everyone for the encouraging words! We will continue to hope that we are part of the 15% of normal pregnancies out there without doubling betas every few days. But, we cannot get our hopes up. It hurts too much.

And, trying to think ahead about what's next; or, what's even going on now. Still the possibility this could be ectopic. I can't jump ahead of things. There is no way they could figure that out right now anyway...I just can't worry. Just be aware.

Friday feels so far away!!!

Thanks again!!!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Good to bad to more waiting

Beta on Monday was 63. Beta#2 today, 64. The number should have doubled by now. My RE called; I knew then it wasn't good news; the words "chemical pregnancy" were used. She wants me to continue on PIO shots until Friday, just in case. Seriously?!? Has a beta ever risen 1 point in 2 days and become a viable pregnancy?! This I doubt. There may be some chance, but, today the hope died in our hearts! We definitely can't get our hopes up like we did on monday. Now, we wait some more. I'll have beta#3 on Friday.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Waiting, impatiently...

We may have to take a blogging break for a week or two if things turn out well today. We have too many friends and family that read this blog. I don't want them all finding out this way. I never dreamed of letting people know so early in my pregnancy, but, they've been here for us during this entire difficult ride. I know they'll be here for us no matter what the outcome.

As soon as we let the key people know, and to let the others to keep it hush hush; we'll be back. Sorry to keep you hanging! Assume that no news here is good news! Unless I can figure out how to make a password protected post...

Saturday, May 23, 2009

(Very) light spotting...

...And cramps. I hope it's because those embies are burrowing!!!

In other news, I'm a God-mother to my new niece Jules. :) She is so stinking cute! My hubby's brothers make such pretty children! It has been a really great weekend so far!

Friday, May 22, 2009


I get to have my beta done Monday; the clinic said they weren't closed and had me down for that morning. I'm so excited! Having a hard time concentrating on work right now!

This weekend will be busy-which is good. We are going to Charleston to see my nieces (4 of them from 2mo-6 years old) and nephew (the lone boy, he's 1 1/2)! We have a new niece we haven't met yet-we can't wait!!! We love being aunt and uncle, it's so fun!

Hoping we can provide them with another baby cousin soon!!!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

ICLW again?

Welcome ICLWers! Just a quick snippet of my blog:

I'm 28 (29 soon-bday in a few weeks!) and I have stage IV endometriosis. It was an interesting battle to get diagnosed, but, I had my first laparoscopy in Feb 2008. After a course of Lu.pron for treatment, I was back to square 1 by Dec of the same year.

I had my 2nd lap for my endo in Mar 2009, and a hysteroscopy in Apr 2009 to remove polyps. Now it's a race against time as I have a recurrent endometrioma-it showed up 6weeks post op, despite its predecessor being excised.

We've been TTC since Apr 2007. We started the IVF process at the end of April 2009. Today I am 7dp3dt-we had 2 adorable embies placed last Thursday. Our beta is on May 26-next Tuesday. So, here we wait, no so patiently.

Sorry about typos-no spell check on the crackberry! ;)

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


So, I'm 5 days post my transfer. And, I'm not even going to begin guessing about my symptoms. These could be from the meds I'm on, my endometriosis, or a BFP. But, I think I would drive myself crazy trying to decipher!!!

Wild and crazy hormones-check
Sore as heck BB's-check (they hurt when I walk-I don't even have that much!!)
Mild cramping-check

Yes. So, as you can see, I just can't play games with myself. So, I wait. I test 1 week from today; and it couldn't feel more light years away!!!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

These are some serious hormones raging

I just cried for an hour about these effing incisions (from my March 2009 lap). I am not sure who to call tomorrow. Seems like both the RE and derm are clueless about what's going on. OBVIOUSLY the creams aren't working Mr. Derm, but, these oral meds (for after ER) did. What does that mean?!?! And what the f*** are we going to do about it (esp if I am preggers-no oral meds for me)?!?! I was finally feeling/looking better, and, now not so much. They are no where near what they were before-just keep opening up and causing a mess. And, that is ever so frustrating.

Seriously, whoa hormones, whoa.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

The little embryo that could!

I got a call from the lab this morning with a wonderful report that my remaining embryo made it as a blastocyte and is sitting in the freezer! This is wonderful news! The embryologist was so excited for us and left the cutest message. :)

Doing well here. I think the PIO shots have turned on bitch mode. Meow-pffffffft!!! Poor hubby.

I've been pissed at my incisions today. I wonder if I need to see a wound specialist-im going to call my RE on Monday and see what's what. 3 are closed but sometimes they get these bite-like whelps around them that itch like fire. The upper incision was doing well when I was on the medrol and tetracycline a few days ago, but, now it looks like a little volcano again. It is seriously driving me mad!!! I am 2month post op!!! And now, it's making me concerned for the possible life/lives growing inside. They assured me it was only skin deep, but, I am beginning to wonder.

This is what happens when you lay around all day and have time to fester on things.

Thursday, May 14, 2009


Crackberry couch style

Just got home and wanted to update. I'm currently incubating 2 beautiful embryo's-one 8 cell and one 6 (did I term that right?)!!! It was so very cool to experience! They'll let us know in a few days if our other little one is gonna make it to freeze. I'll post more and a pic later! Gonna finish my lunch and get my lazy on! Thanks everyone for the well wishes and prayers!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Warm Fuzzies

My clinic called to give me a few more instructions for tomorrow-im so ready for this! They also wanted to let me know that my embies were looking "cute and adorable". I love them!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


I just wanted to mention about the dreaded PIO shots; they have been fabulous! I had a friend come over last night to show us the ropes (she used to do her own depo shots). Tonight she came over but my hubby did the shot. They have magic hands! It hardly hurts, just like the sub-q's!!! The way she showed him to angle it in...I dunno. MUCH better than I expected! I massage the area for a good 10 minutes then immediately apply heat to help disperse the oil. It's a little sore a few minutes after the injection, but, so far so good! :) I'm sure after I start having more and more the area will be more sore, but, I'm pleased as punch for now!

Crackberry fertilization report

7 eggs retrieved

3 eggs too immature :(

4 ICSI (injected with sperm since there were so few)

3 fertilized and looking good!

What are the odds all 3 will make it? Will they freeze just 1? Keep your fingers crossed-we are going in Thursday for the transfer (day 4?!?). We'll be there at 10 am for an 1130 transfer. The plan is to transfer 2 due to my aggressive endo. I hope there will be 2 good strong ones! I'll have all weekend to rest up and nuture my embies!

Getting a little nervous now! I wish we would have some to freeze. Hopefully this will all work out and we won't have to think about what might have been!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Lucky number 7?

Just a quick post before I lay down for the rest of the afternoon. They were able to retrieve 7 eggs this morning, and, drain my endometrioma some to provide relief. More of a play by play later-it was an interesting morning.

Praying for my embies now...to fertilize and stay strong and healthy!!!

Nite nite!

So, for those of you that are curious, here is how our morning went. We got there at 6:30 AM sharp for my 8 AM procedure. When I finally got called back they did the usual vitals and pre-op paperwork and questioning. I wasn't as impressed with my nurse this time. I was really hoping I would get one of the others I had. Everyone was different today except the wonderful nurse who was with me in the OR, and, my Dr. of course. Everyone else was just great though. It really helps make these experiences so much better when you are surrounded by caring people.

My IV was particularly painful today, not sure why. My veins like to jump around a lot, so, that makes for fun times when it comes time to stick me. Thank goodness they have that numbing medication! The nurse anesthetist sat down and talked with me about the procedure. Much to my original dismay I was to be awake when we went into the OR. She explained that they couldn't administer any meds until the Dr. was ready to roll. They want to keep the eggs as quality as possible, so, that means the least amount of medication as possible. She also explained because of the lesser meds, whatever she was going to administer would burn. Normally they give you something to take away the burn, but, not today. She said it would burn for a minute, then, I'd be asleep. She sat there and explained all of this and held my hand. It was very sweet, and, I appreciated the play by play!

When it was finally time they rolled me back and I scooted over onto the OR table. They put these pillow case type things on my feet/legs and up in the stirrups I went. They strapped my legs into the stirrups, which, was way more comfy than it would have been in the Dr.'s office. I didn't have to concentrate on keep my legs up. They settled me in with warm blankets and sterile towels on my legs. When the time came my RE inserted the speculum, then, gave the go ahead for the meds. First they did an antibiotic which stung a second, then the realy burning stuff, which, wasn't all that bad. Then, it was nite nite time!

I was the only case of the day. Can you imagine that? Me, being the first of something good?! :) They were able to retrieve 7 eggs as previously reported and drained some off my endometrioma. I got an extra boost of pain meds in the 1st recovery then 2 oxycodone's in the step down for the cramping pain.

Just waking up from my nap now and I'm in a little bit of cramping pain again. It's not like an OMG pain, but, it's there none the less. I don't know that I was expecting that. I just thought it wouldn't feel like much. I guess they did manipulate my ovaries. And, I am taking that steroid to keep down inflammation, so, it should have clicked before ;)

I'm on medrol and teracycline (steroid and antibiotic) and start the progsterone shots this evening. I have a friend coming over to help that used to do her own Depo shots in her bum for years. My hubby wants someone to show him the ropes-he's terrified of hurting me.

I plan on going back to work tomorrow, probably a little later in the day. The Dr. said that shouldn't be a problem. Although, I hope these cramps will be gone by then. It looks like my transfer will be around Thursday or Friday if it all goes well. Which, will be fabulous because I won't have to take too much time off. I plan on really babying myself then. I've gone through too much to not.

Thanks for all of the well wishes! Now, more waiting-for phone call updates on our embryo's and for transfer day. A lot of good waiting though.

Heading back to sleepy bye again just for a bit. Then, to watch a few movies my wonderful hubby picked up for me.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

The day of no drugs....

I have a feeling that I am going to feel as if I've forgotten something this evening. No shots or meds today for IVF!!! I administered the Ovidrel injections last night-hooray for a break in shots!!!

I am not feeling so hot this morning. Just kinda "blech"-slightly nauseated I guess. There is a ton going on in there, so, I'm not surprised. I forgot to mention to that all these meds have made my boobs SO tender! They aren't much bigger (darnit), but, MAN. If they are going to be this tender, I wish they were at least plumping up some ;)

A little nervous about tomorrow's retrieval. I hope it goes well. I am asleep the whole time, right? The info book they gave me says something about they'll tell me when they insert the needle for the first aspiration. Um, NO THANK YOU!!! I just want to wake up to a wonderful report of a great harvest. Also nervous about my numbers. 8 doesn't seem like a lot-they have to survive, fertilize and thrive. As long as we can end up with 2 to transfer, I'll be happy. Of course, I'd love some to freeze too if it doesn't work out this go round...

I can't think about the what-if's. This ball is already rolling, no stopping it now. We just have to hope and pray for the best and go with the flow as we have been so far.

Still trying to figure this out too-I have several friends and family that read this blog; we haven't decided how and when to post the news yet. I don't want any family finding out online; would prefer not to have my friends find out then too. AND, that's REALLY early for people (we know) to know if we do end up having a successful cycle. Any suggestions? Can I block people?! LOL.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

All smiles

I have 8 follicles that are ready to roll and 3-4 on the cusp for MONDAY! My right ovary doesn't have anything impressive, but, we aren't surprised about that. Tonight is ovidrel x2 at 830. My procedure is scheduled for 800 on Monday. We'll be there bright and early! No drugs tomorrow. What will I do with myself?!?

Very happy news this morning! Its getting game time; feeling a smidge nervous. But, mostly overwhelmed with excitement and hope. How can one not be?

Friday, May 8, 2009

Day 8 Stims

We went for another ultrasound this morning. Things are looking good! My endometrioma is stable, so, that was a good thing to see. I have 7 follicles on my left ovary that are 10mm+; one was measuring 30*something. The others were 19*something and 17*something. The large screen where I usually watch was broken, and, it's just hard to keep up with that many numbers. There are 5 visible follicles on my right too-none of which are to standard. I was instructed to stay with my lu.pron, menopur and gonal f dosage for this evening, and, I am due at the clinic tomorrow morning at 8 AM for another follow-up. They think we are on schedule for a Monday retrieval. I can't believe it! It seems to have gone by so quickly!

I'm feeling pretty well. Tender of course, and, after eating sometimes I feel kinda ill. Especially lunch. I don't know what the middle of the day has to do with it, but, that's that.

Still healing from my lap. My bottom two incisions are looking good-I've started using mederma on them. My belly button is touch and go; right now it's on the up and up. The upper quadrant incision I had is still giving me fits. They only used that to see if my belly button was accessible! Nothing was even done through it! Ughhh. So, still on some antibiotic cream and steroid for that. My skin around my incisions still seems kinda weak. It's dry and itches terribly. I try to keep on top of that.

Better get to bed. So much for sleeping in manana!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Have you met my little friend?

This is my menopur needle. Not too bad, but, it sure does pack a little punch! Tonight was the easiest-not sure why.

This used to be our kitchen table. It's turned into a mini-clinic for the time being.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

"Day 6" Stims...

Ultrasound and blood work went well today. Looks like my right ovary is one stubborn SOB (this time in a good way). I had 3 follicles on it!!! None of them were really big, but, there they were. The nurse was shocked. They said that I had 4 total that were 10mm+, and several that were on the cusp. After the bloodwork came back (I can't remember if she said 451 or 551 for the estradiol) they said to stay on the same doses I've been taking.

This afternoon was interesting. I've been having leg pain so they sent me for a doppler ultrasound on my leg to make sure I didn't have a blood clot. It all turned out okay. I think it's just a reaction to hormones? I've had pains like these before; if I remember correctly it was always cyclical. I'll further push for an answer/hypothesis on Friday.

Due Friday for another ultrasound and blood work. I guess maybe then we'll have a better idea when they are shooting for retrieval? The original date was Monday...

They tell me that this progress is good! :)

Monday, May 4, 2009

Hello Menopur

OUCH. Yeah, that stung a bit tonight (the menopur that is)! I guess maybe because it's more fluid going in? YEOW. It was a bit unexpected. My blood work looked good, so, they bumped the Gonal F from 225 to 150 and I started on the Menopur, 75 units; Lu.pron stays at 5 units. This will be my dosages for the next two days at least. Yep, that's 3 shots! It's starting to get a little overwhelming. I'm so glad my husband is even keeled and calm! I'm not getting too hyper, but, for someone who is slightly OCD, having to check and recheck several times you are taking the right dose at the right time, etc...it gets a little hairy!

I didn't think they would ever call today! :) They called right around 3...it seemed like forever!

Still on track. Next US and BW is on Weds. I'm eager for that US, although, not looking forward to it. Does that make sense? The US usually hurts (esp with that endometrioma), but, I'm ready for a visual.

I think my hubby may have to do the menopur injection tomorrow night for me. I'm not sure I can poke myself knowing that sting is to follow!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Busy week ahead...

How long is the menopur regimen? Tomorrow I am scheduled for blood work, and, they'll call me with the dose of that to start. Do I take that and Lu.pron and the GonalF all together? I guess I'll get my answers manana. Really, I am TRULY taking this one step at a time. VERY unlike me, but, I knew that the more I researched and prepped, the more nervous I would be. I'm a highly anxious person in general, so, the less stress the better.

Weds is another ultrasound and blood word and Friday as well. She said on Friday they have a conference on all the IVF patients and I'll either go back in on Saturday or Sunday for another US and instructions for the ovidrel. I can't believe this has gone by so quickly. I feel so ill prepared. I need to do some reading this week and get ready. I'm really hoping that everything goes well and moves along as planned. I'm thinking nothing but positive thoughts.

Feeling a little tight and tender, but, otherwise okay. The tender is odd-kinda like my old endo pain when I would swell with fluids. But, I'm hoping this is from the meds, not endo this time.

Hoping for the best! :)

Friday, May 1, 2009

Damn endometrioma-we'll show you! (I hope!!!)

The nurse called me back today after I called (I love that they are so prompt!). She said they'll be watching it like a hawk. I dunno what they'll do if it's getting too big or in the way, I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Best not to fill my head anyway with too many scenarios! She said it wasn't producing any hormones (AMAZING they can know that from blood, right?!?!?); which is good because that could interfere. (Anyone with scientific knowledge on that one?!)

When I get to the egg retrieval (I'm wondering IF) around the 11th, she said that they could drain it some while I'm under. That won't make it go away, but, it can relieve some of any symptoms I have from it? Eventually it'll need to be removed if I don't get pregnant and it's getting too big. Again, trying not to think that far ahead. I want the ovary OUT if I have to have another surgery again-the whole thing. They've excised my endometrioma's twice now...and, now I have a third. She wanted to keep it there for fertility purposes, two is better than one, but, obviously that's been negated at this point. Right?!?! The nurse said most likely it isn't producing any or very few follicles since the mass is attached to it.

I'm a little nervous, but, I guess that is why I'm paying them the mad $$$; for their expertise! I guess all of this illicit that kind of nervousness anyway. I'm trying my hardest to go with the flow. Sometimes that is pretty difficult for me. it just seems like even more pressure now to get pregnant. But, I need to put that thought aside. It's not up to me! I am pretty sure it's really outta my hands.

I've been a bloated mess today. Like, seriously bloated-unbutton your pants bloated. This is before stims. I am not sure what that was about. My abdomen is pretty tender. Just coming down on the bleeding; this is how I used to feel towards the end of my period. So, nothing really out of the norm for around then I suppose.

We'll see how it goes. I started my gonalF tonight; I used both thighs for my two injections. Lu.pron went down to 5 units. Monday is bloodwork, possibly an ultrasound. Ultrasound for sure on Weds. They'll let me know Monday about the menopur dosage and when to start. No turning back now...