I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Where did I go???

I came to blog this morning and noticed my account had been messed with, so blogger temporarily disabled my account! CRAZY!!!

Things here are busy and wonderful. I can, however, tell that my cycle is about to start. Maybe not, but, I've been having those familiar pangs in my ovaries and occasional cramping. I'm SO nervous about having my period. More nervous that I was no push out a baby!!! How sad is that? Thanks endo, for making me dread almost every month!!!

I still haven't made a decision on the BC. Thank you to all that have responded. I just can't decide what is right and what I am ready for. The thought of going back on something to help keep me from getting pregnant absolutely blows my mind. But, I know it's also not just about that...but about suppression of my endo...whether it be lurking right away or not.

I don't know where my life is heading as far as endo goes, but, I know I will always be vigilant. And, I'm sorry, but I just dont believe something like that can GO AWAY. I believe it can get better...but, will I ever be rid of this disease? With my experience in the medical field...I am doubtful.

I hope to be posting more regularly and checking in on my blogroll folks!!! Been thinking about you all, even if I haven't posted to say so.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Say what?

Hello all. Wow. I haven't blogged really in a while. Nor have I been doing well at keeping up with others. Connor turned 7 weeks yesterday. 7 WEEKS. I can hardly believe it. I had my 1 month FU obviously several weeks ago now. Everything was looking good. By now all my stitches should be healed (I had somewhere between 15-20!!!) and I am feeling pretty normal most days. Hormones can still be evil sometimes. Guilt sucks. But, for the most part, my new normal is setting in.

I cannot believe the conversation I had with the OB. On BC. Yes, I typed it. BIRTH CONTROL. Weird. Even weirder to be typing it here on this blog. I stopped BC in 2007. Here we are 4 1/2 years later thinking about going back on. We've been blessed with two sons. One here in our arms, the other in God's. We definitely are not ready for another child right away. Connor is a blessing but I am not sure that I can handle another little one at the moment. Nor all of the emotions that would accompany another pregnancy/child.

But, for now, what? I have a dilemma in the BC arena unfortunately. I only have one option. Mirena. I have a history of migraines with Auras, so, any other kind is really contraindicated. Awesome. I am not too keen on that option-something strange about something being inside me emitting hormones on a constant basis. That just seems so odd to me! So, thinking about NO BC. Condoms aren't my friend...I normally get irritations from them, and, with the healing going on down there I am not down with that. I am pretty sure I can't keep up with chartting at the moment. Life is a bit chaotic. And, then there's my ENDOMETRIOSIS. Ugh. I am so scared about it rearing it's ugly head if I'm not on anything. SO SCARED. And then, on the same lines, maybe we SHOULD just try again since my body is probably in it's best condition ever at the moment? Sleepless nights knock that thought right out of the park most of the time.

What's a girl to do? Anyone have any experience with Mirena (good or bad)? Does it have any benefits with endo? The OB said that there isn't a ton of research, but, what little there has been it has shown a benefit. Any other ideas?!?!?!

Saturday, August 27, 2011

The real deal

I never saw Wyatt's feet. All I have left are his foot prints. Our photographer sent us this sneak peek this morning of Connor's feet...oh how special it is!
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Sunday, August 21, 2011

He's here!

8 pounds, 4 ounces
21.75 inches long
8/13/2011 at 437 AM

Love him to pieces! Trying to adjust to our new life. Hormones are bad!!
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Monday, August 1, 2011

Happy August

July was an interesting month and I'm glad it's come and gone!!! I'd like no more of the kind of excitement it entailed...thank you very much!

Happy August!  Our son will be born THIS month!!!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

36 weeks...(warning, belly pic)

Almost there. I can hardly believe it. Things have been a little busy around here and hubby had a recent (minor, although, it didn't seem like it at the time) health scare that has really shaken me. I love that man. The thought of anything happening to him literally makes me ill. So, I've been kind of MIA from this blog with the blur of everything.

Just wanted to touch base and catch up with everyone. We recently had some maternity pictures taken and during the shoot I had the photographer get one for us to hang up for Wyatt. I actually saw the picture on Jeanna's Blog a while ago and have been wanting to recreate it. I wanted to share that. Also, I know that pregnancy is a touchy subject for most readers, but I feel very beautiful and extremely blessed to be where we are and I don't want to hide it. I hope that does not offend. I will never forget where this miracle came from and what we went through to get here. And, I know that my battle with endometriosis is long from over. Is it ever over? I am not naive to the fact that I may return to my normally, painful self...could be soon. So, for now I'm enjoying the blessings that we have and praying for those trying to get there-however that may be.

Taken at 32 weeks

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Pregnancy between infertility friends

Hey everyone.  Sorry I've been MIA lately.  Life is hectic, but, that's a positive thing.  I will be 32 weeks this week.  I still cannot believe it.  Loving every second of it, even when I am not loving it.  I remember daily how blessed we are and I am SO thankful to be this far.  Countdown has begun.  I'm feeling less scared and know that if my baby comes today he has so many options and so many chances.  Still, I'd like him to stay put for at least another 5 weeks.  Stay put little guy!!!
A friend forwarded me this article today, and, I wanted to share.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day

Thinking about all moms today, especially those who only were able to hold their child in their hearts, those who held their child if only for a short time and all those still waiting for their moment...
God Bless!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

A week of highs and lows

This week marks our viability milestone in our pregnancy!!!! 25 weeks on last Thursday! What a beautiful blessing for us to be celebrating. Each and every day is more and more cause for celebration, as we ever so steadily reach for the next "checkpoint" in this journey towards parenthood.

Ironically, it is also the week that if I had carried Wyatt to term, we'd be celebrating his first birthday. I have several friends who were due around the same time I was. Several people that I blog with as well. Seeing their facebook and blog posts about their little one's upcoming big days literally knocked the breath out of me. A punch to the gut. I totally wasn't expecting that reaction. I never really thought of April 23rd as his "day", but, I guess to my subconscious it will always be in some fashion. These dates stick with you, even when you think they won't.
We had a nice little mini vacation away this week...and what great timing!! On the way home, we stopped by to see family and visited with Wyatt at the cemetery. It was a very emotional visit, but, felt good. We love and miss our little guy so much!!!

What a beautiful week for us to get away to celebrate love, loss and life!!!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Milestones and other ponderings

I stumbled upon this TIME article on Mo and Will's blog today and wanted to share.

Things here are going well with here with his pregnancy. We are very thankful. Some days, though, I have my moments of sadness and doubt about it all. Today we hit another milestone. And, the way I reacted was not how I thought this day would be. After my ultrasound and talking with the OB today, we are going to start transitioning to more of a "normal" OB schedule (still with the cervical checks, sans the ultrasounds). Weird transitioning to more of that "normal" type of patient. I'm scared. I'm glad, but I'm scared. Terrified. I've also been thinking a lot lately about Wyatt. Had a good cry last night. I should be happier about this milestone...I think I'm more frightened maybe than anything. Who knows. Lots of emotions to process and sometimes it feels a little overwhelming. I mean, we are definitely happy. Maybe just a little scared of the unknown. Hell, who's not scared of that?

I'm not complaining at all. I know we are very fortunate and we are very appreciative for things so far! But, this journey of loss and grief still continue, and stumbling across this article...today after everything...helps me feel just a little more sane!!

Monday, March 21, 2011

'What he can expect when she's not expecting'...

Great new resource for the wonderful men in our lives who also deal with the affects of infertility...


Friday, March 11, 2011

Daym you Pharma companies!!!

This is an article about a dramatic price increase in progesterone...a drug that us in the infertility world are definitely aware of, as, are those women who use it to prevent premature birth.  What a shame!!!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Elisabeth Röhm’s Blog: Sharing My IVF Secret

A friend forwarded me this article today, and, I wanted to share.  Although, I would add to this paragraph:

As a witness to my own journey, I hope I can share a little reprieve and compassion with any person who is struggling with the decision to have a family in an unconventional way and to receive the support to do so. If you have to decide to have your child through IVF or surrogacy OR ADOPTION OR FOSTER CARE, or are going through it now after making the choice, I hope you know that there is nothing to be ashamed of at all. I acknowledge your strength in deciding that you have the right to parent.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Unfamiliar territory

About 16 months ago a beautiful pregnancy came to an end, a life gone too soon. Our first child was born, a son, our Wyatt. I was only 18 weeks pregnant. He was beautiful in every way. Perfect beyond all that is imaginable. Just not ready for this world. Not made for this world. He was never ours to have here with us.

Now, here we are in another beautiful pregnancy. 18 weeks. A whole day of being 18 weeks pregnant. This is something we've never encountered...from here on out it's unfamiliar territory. The weeks to our baby's arrival will soon be shorter than the number of weeks I am pregnant. So many wonderful things to look forward to. So far, so good.

I feel guilty, in a way. Guilty that my body couldn't do this for Wyatt. Guilty that I couldn't do anything to keep him safer. Just a little bit longer. I know I had NO control. I know that in my head. Sometimes my that hole in my heart feels differently. I know that things happened for a reason. Why? I have no idea. For a better appreciation of life and love? I don't know. I definitely do appreciate those things more. We both are appreciating many many things these days.

So, today we celebrated my body...God...life. There is still a little boy, our son, growing inside of me and getting stronger and stronger everyday. We are feeling blessed and hopeful and so very excited. The hope in our hearts grows deeper and deeper with every passing day. Every passing milestone. Excitement has begun to trump fear. Trump away!!!

We are looking ahead. One day at a time.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I plan on blogging more later...

But, I definitely can't ignore the fact that today kicks off Endometriosis Awareness month!!! There are lots of thoughts and emotions we are going through this week. I do plan on blogging more about awareness month...it may just be a little later than usual. I still have endo. I'll always have endo. There is no cure. Too many women are affected by this terrible disease to stand by and just watch. As endo sisters and families...we need to come together for a change!!!

Friday, February 18, 2011

Reaching milestones

16 weeks yesterday.  Time flies!!!  At almost 17 weeks in my pregnancy with Wyatt, my water broke.  I delivered via induction at 18 weeks.  Milestones are creeping up on us.  Things have been going really well.  I keep having to remind myself that this pregnancy is COMPLETELY different.  We are enjoying everyday.  Sometimes the anxiety sets in, but, for the most part I have been a lot better about things than I expected myself to be.  Quite surprising...pleasantly surprising.
I love this child very much.  He (or she if they were wrong a few weeks ago, haha) is not a replacement for our first born.  Never will be.  He will be his own person.  Our own excitement and new adventure.  I don't wish that he was Wyatt.  They are two different children and we will love them both, always.  It's strange to think of, but, I don't ever want our son to think that we wish he was someone else.  That things were different.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  We miss Wyatt.  Terribly.  Sometimes what happened with our last pregnancy does have bearing on my anxiety and comfort level.  But, I also think that because of the way that things happened with Wyatt, that in a way we appreciate this pregnancy possibly more than we ever would have.  Each day is a blessing and a celebration.
Soon we will be in uncharted pregnancy territory.  That is both terrifying and truly exciting.  Looking forward to a blossoming baby and belly and sharing our excitement with the world!  August is going to be here before we know it!
2nd week in March is our next ultrasound.  Definitely ready to set our eyes on the baby and seeing how things are going.  This will be the "Big" anatomy scan (I think), so, lots of neat things to look forward to and lots of praying to do! 

Friday, February 4, 2011

Another hurdle hurdled!

Today we had an ultrasound-14 weeks, 1 day. This baby and this body are doing amazingly well! Cervix was nice and long, baby was moving about and doing well, fluid levels are good...just a fabulous report all around. Apparently my placenta is lying a little low. While not expected, it is not uncommon and most of the times it will correct itself. They will recheck at the next visit in a few weeks. In the meantime, a good bill of health and worries eased for the moment.

The appointment made us really miss our Wyatt. They think we are having another boy. It was very strange being here again (at another ultrasound)...in very different circumstances than just what seems such a short time ago. I guess it's actually been a while. Seems like yesterday! However, we are very comforted in knowing that this baby has one, VERY special guardian angel watching over him. Always. I know the next few weeks are going to be pretty emotional for us as we make our way to that 17/18 week mark. Every day is a cause for celebration...but everyday is bringing painful reminders back into our fore front.

We love you Wyatt. We love you new little D. You are both our children...and we will love you always. No matter what.

Now stay put baby! You've got some more months of growing, ok?!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

A not so negative post

I can't believe I forgot to post that we were able to hear the heartbeat last week!!! Music to our ears! 2 days shy of the 2nd trimester...most women would be feeling so much more comforted now. I'm not sure that will happen for us. Although tension hasn't been running high or anything, there are definitely those days.

One day at a time. One step at a time. Together.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Liar liar

Whoever said that endo gets better with pregnancy is a big fat liar. I am in more pain than I've been in at LEAST a year. Maybe two. Not good times, let me tell you.

Seems that the wonderful progesterone that helps keep this baby safe also likes to play games with the digestive system. And, with my colon being stuck to my uterus... without being too descriptive..WOW. There are other stretching woes going on, but, they are bearable. Not so much the colon business.

What I've learned this week? Progesterone and adhesions are more powerful than gallons of water, fresh fruit and veggies, prune juice and colace. Know what helps? A warm glass of apple juice. So far. Who would have thought of that? Really?

I hope that this too shall pass!?!?
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Saturday, January 15, 2011

Fantastic article

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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Endo blog meets football

WAR DAMN EAGLE!!!! Those of you who know...you know!!! BCS National CHAMPS!!!!

Toomer's Corner style with our tiny trees!!!

Monday, January 10, 2011

In other news

Today is a snow day. Not the most ideal of snow days since tonight is the BCS National Championship with my Auburn Tigers!!!! My hormones might not be able to take any power or satellite outages. 10 hours until game time. How will I ever control my anxiety?!?! ;) (Dont know that you know, but, I love me some football!!!!)

But isn't it so pretty?!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Doubts, doubts, go away!

10 weeks, 3 days

I haven't blogged in a few weeks. It's strange. Things have been busy with the new year here. Nothing much to report on this end. I don't have another Dr.'s appointment until a week from Tuesday. Seems like FOREVER away. Unless we choose the first trimester screening, we won't be having an ultrasound at that visit. However, I will be requesting a doppler. I need reassurance that this baby is still in there. Starting at 14 weeks I'll be going in for frequent ultrasounds to check the cervical length.

Luckily for a while nausea has been consistent and reassuring. Sore boobs, etc, etc. Unfortunately, those symptoms have started to wane...which, starts up the uneasy thoughts in my head. Some days I can go all day without a bout of any ick. Other days, I'd rather be in bed. Truthfully, until I get frequent peeks of this little one, I'd rather have some of that reassurance!!! I've been having bad dreams lately. They feel so real. We remain hopeful, but sometimes the doubt comes creeping in. Today, I just don't feel like I'm pregnant. Tomorrow, I hope that will be different.

Love you little one. Don't mean to doubt you. It's not you...it's me. Sometimes I wonder if my body is capable of doing this. My dreams are trying to convince me that it's not. Praying for peace, and, as always praying for you, dear child.