I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Milestones and other ponderings

I stumbled upon this TIME article on Mo and Will's blog today and wanted to share.

Things here are going well with here with his pregnancy. We are very thankful. Some days, though, I have my moments of sadness and doubt about it all. Today we hit another milestone. And, the way I reacted was not how I thought this day would be. After my ultrasound and talking with the OB today, we are going to start transitioning to more of a "normal" OB schedule (still with the cervical checks, sans the ultrasounds). Weird transitioning to more of that "normal" type of patient. I'm scared. I'm glad, but I'm scared. Terrified. I've also been thinking a lot lately about Wyatt. Had a good cry last night. I should be happier about this milestone...I think I'm more frightened maybe than anything. Who knows. Lots of emotions to process and sometimes it feels a little overwhelming. I mean, we are definitely happy. Maybe just a little scared of the unknown. Hell, who's not scared of that?

I'm not complaining at all. I know we are very fortunate and we are very appreciative for things so far! But, this journey of loss and grief still continue, and stumbling across this article...today after everything...helps me feel just a little more sane!!


Jenny said...

That's a really good article. While I have thankfully never lost a child I still live in constant worry during this pregnancy. I have a lot of trouble trusting my body since it let me down for so long...I hate that you or anyone had to go through everything I did and on top of that to have suffered such a terrible loss. (((hugs)))
I remember after my 7 week u/s being told that it was time to go to a regular OB/GYN and thinking that I was losing the security and understanding of the fertility clinic. How many weeks are you now?

My Endo Journey said...

21 weeks today :)
Yes, Infertility in itself definitely initiates a sense of fear...you just can't believe your body is capable of doing what it needs to! Good luck Jenny, and thanks for the comment!

Anonymous said...

I think that every pregnant woman suffers from constant anxiety and worry no matter what her previous experience... so it makes total sense that if the previous experience included heartache such as yours then the anxiety is bound to be amplified.

I'm glad that your pregnancy is progressing so well, but can well imagine the worry caused by losing some the the "security" that those ultrasounds brought.

I can't begin to imagine what it feels like to be expecting after infertility or loss, but know you are always in my thoughts and prayers xx

erin said...

i think a mix of emotions is completely normal. i have had my first good cry this week even with as happy and much love as i have for emily..it feels overwhelming. and i think sometimes we just need that good cry to get that overwhelmed feeling out. i am pretty sure all your emotions are normal and are completely understandable. we love you and are so excited for these new milestones which mean excellent things are happening:)

Jeanne said...


Thank you for sharing this article.

I'm glad you found it comforting (in the aspect that it highlighted the fact that the feelings you're having are very normal given your circumstances).

I am happy to hear that you're transitioning to a more "normal" schedule; your doctors must feel this is appropriate. That's a good sign.

Again, at the same time... I think having some anxiety about the transition is to be expected.

Try not to beat yourself up thinking, "I should be happier". You have a right to your feelings.

It's also very understandable that Wyatt is on your mind a lot now.

I'm sending positive thoughts your way!


My Endo Journey said...

Thanks ladies!

Anonymous said...

aww, of course little wyatt will always hold a piece of your heart, but your heart is big enough to share with whatever number of brothers and/or sisters come along.

Ed said...

You're an inspiration. Thanks for sharing.