I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!





Thursday, March 3, 2011

Unfamiliar territory

About 16 months ago a beautiful pregnancy came to an end, a life gone too soon. Our first child was born, a son, our Wyatt. I was only 18 weeks pregnant. He was beautiful in every way. Perfect beyond all that is imaginable. Just not ready for this world. Not made for this world. He was never ours to have here with us.

Now, here we are in another beautiful pregnancy. 18 weeks. A whole day of being 18 weeks pregnant. This is something we've never encountered...from here on out it's unfamiliar territory. The weeks to our baby's arrival will soon be shorter than the number of weeks I am pregnant. So many wonderful things to look forward to. So far, so good.

I feel guilty, in a way. Guilty that my body couldn't do this for Wyatt. Guilty that I couldn't do anything to keep him safer. Just a little bit longer. I know I had NO control. I know that in my head. Sometimes my that hole in my heart feels differently. I know that things happened for a reason. Why? I have no idea. For a better appreciation of life and love? I don't know. I definitely do appreciate those things more. We both are appreciating many many things these days.

So, today we celebrated my body...God...life. There is still a little boy, our son, growing inside of me and getting stronger and stronger everyday. We are feeling blessed and hopeful and so very excited. The hope in our hearts grows deeper and deeper with every passing day. Every passing milestone. Excitement has begun to trump fear. Trump away!!!

We are looking ahead. One day at a time.

10 comments:

One Day said...

This is such a beautiful thing. Thank you for writing! I'm thinking of you!

Esperanza said...

Congrats on 18 weeks! That is awesome! I hope the next half of the pregnancy is happy and healthy.

Rosie said...

Praying for you always and wishing you both the best adventure in this unfamiliar territory! I would imagine, Wyatt is excited for you too. :)

Nic said...

I am so pleased you have got to this stage and I hope it continues.
Please do not feel guilty. I am sure it must be hard not to, but it was out of your control.
x

erin said...

I know you know this..but all the bad things have led up to what good is to come. Even though I have not gone through anything like what you did, I realize that everything that has happened has led up to where I am now. I reflected on this as Emily was born this week. It does make you appreciate the good so much more.

Barefoot said...

Congratulations on meeting this bittersweet milestone. Wishing you peace and uneventfulness for the next 22 weeks!

katery said...

my heart broke for you when you lost wyatt and now my heart goes out to you while you navigate these uncharted waters.

weberfamily said...

I came upon your blog online and just wanted to know if you have ever took the time in your journey to seek the advise of an excision doctor for your endo.

Even with stage 4, they can help you, there are only about 10 nationwide, but I would be happy to help you with the info.

Excision changed my life and I now have a baby boy because of it. After we were told no other options.

feel free to email me if you like.

nriggs@hotmail.com
Nicole :)

Baby Dust~~~~

weberfamily said...

I came upon your blog online and just wanted to know if you have ever took the time in your journey to seek the advise of an excision doctor for your endo.

Even with stage 4, they can help you, there are only about 10 nationwide, but I would be happy to help you with the info.

Excision changed my life and I now have a baby boy because of it. After we were told no other options.

feel free to email me if you like.

nriggs@hotmail.com
Nicole :)

Baby Dust~~~~

M. said...

the funny thing about life, is no matter which way we slice it...we can only do one day at a time. no matter what needs to get done, or how bad or good we feel....we can only take it one day at a time...any more all at once would kill us surely. after all we're only human.


i am so so happy for this milestone, i know it brings mixed feelings, but this is a great thing...i also know this post is old...but look at how the time is passing us by! :]