I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

3 months...really?

I can't believe it's been three months since we had to say goodbye to our beautiful son. In some ways, it definitely feels like it's been this long. We've come a long way from the minutes, hours and days since that fateful day. But, in other ways it feels just like yesterday. Certain situations, moments, seconds bring the emotions rolling back all in a devastating swoop. I feel that these are pretty healthy though in our process of grieving.

Things lately have been especially tricky, as the friends we have are approaching the birth's of their children. We, of course, are happy for all of them. Yet, so very sad for us. Baby showers, invites, big bellies...it's all too much sometimes. These moments always have me wondering what might have been. What could have been. I feel so empty sometimes.

Every day is a new day. We try hard to remember the blessings we have in our lives and to live each day to the fullest, no matter how heavy our hearts may be at times.

We miss him dearly though.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Endometriosis Awareness Month is coming soon!!!

And, don't forget your yellow shirts on March 1st!!!

Wearing yellow on March 1st shows support for endometriosis awareness, so you don't need to be an endo sufferer to get in on the fashion statement--loved ones of someone with endometriosis, or even just general supporters of increased awareness are welcome to participate!

My gorgeous nieces supporting the cause in 2009!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Our little snow angel

We are enjoying the beautiful falling snow (again) right now. This time is so much more beautiful and fluffy-not the icy mess we had before. We have at least 3 inches so far! What a wonderful surprise!

Wyatt is always on our minds. Just another way to remember our little angel!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


My appointment yesterday went as I anticipated it to. There were some suspicious areas of my uterus that were detected during the hydrosonogram (very different from a HSG I should add; I'm allergic to that dye, this is just done via cath and uses water). Normally, in preparation for fertility intervention, my RE would schedule a hysteroscopy with such findings. Looking back through the past year, though, my RE decided that she wanted to try something else before resorting to a surgical procedure. Which, is fine by me.

The current plan is to begin Aygestin at the beginning of the next cycle to help thin the endometrium. The theory is that the suspicious areas could very well just be thickened endometrium...so, let's try this and see. I will have a repeat hydrosonogram about a month from now. We'll see how it goes! I'm hoping for the best because I am so not ready for another surgery...no matter how minor it may seem.

Oh, but, my ovaries looked "okay". I think there is something small hanging around on the right, but, better than usual which is exciting. We didn't even really discuss them at all!

I'm still spotting. Today is Day 13 and I still have spotting when I wipe. The RE did ask if I've had any abnormal bleeding after she saw the hydrosonogram. I'd say yes. Ugh. Another reason she is suspecting something is amiss.

FET will be sometime in APRIL/MAY now. A little bummed we can't have it done sooner, but, that's just the way the ball bounces. In the meantime, we are planning a mini-vacation to get away. We NEED to get AWAY!!!!!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Weird Weekend

It's been a really strange weekend. Very much full of ups and downs. I feel stuck in a rut. Stuck in a TTC rut I guess? Our lives revolve around trying to have a baby...and at the moment still dealing with varying issues about our angel baby son. I don't know how to relax. How to just "go with the flow". Having a baby is all I think about. Obsessive. And, since Wyatt, it's different too. The normal "woe is me" TTC feelings are coupled with anger. So, those negative pregnancy tests are even a bigger blow than they used to be.

Lots of thinking about our upcoming FET. "When is the right time". Really, is there a "right time"?!? Sure, you have to be emotionally ready. But, is that even 100% possible? I can answer that with certainty...NO. For us, waiting the process out would be more grueling than just giving it a go. Waiting 3, 6, 9 months from now isn't going to make a difference on how we are going to feel if this doesn't work out. But, waiting that long surely will draw out the anxieties. If it's not going to work out, I'd rather find out sooner than later. To us, waiting would be the most emotionally taxing of the options.

So, then, couple all these conflicts with the fact that we don't want to feel like we are trying to forget our son. We aren't. We just need to move along with our lives. But, some days that concept is easier than others to grasp.

This weekend was so strange. I need some new clothes...badly. I used to LOVE shopping. Yesterday was terrible. Because of my new body, most of my staples just aren't cutting it anymore. I've lost about 5 pounds so far, which is great, but, nothing is going to change my new shape. My hips spread with the pregnancy. That is definitely something I can do nothing about. But, it drives me insane to go shopping. I want new clothes, but, then I'm on the fence about spending good money on something because I want to be pregnant soon. I know I just need to go with the now, but, it's so hard. Then, I feel bad because I go back to knowing at this point in time, I should be shopping for more maternity clothes to clothe my ever changing belly. It's hard...so hard. I just had to give up yesterday. It was just too much.

I feel like we are constantly living our lives on the uncertain future. I want to live for today...I do. But, easier said than done. When that 2 WW starts, everything seems to be put on hold; from our new exercise routine (which I slack off on during the 2 WW "just in case"), to watching what I eat and drink and do on a daily basis. During that wait, I am constantly doing things "just in case". And, of course it would be totally worth it if that "just in case" became fact. But, it usually doesn't and you go back to square one when the rain of pain comes down. A cyclical rut.

Speaking of cyclical my period was very much interesting. I can tell I'm having issues similar to "back in the day". In particular my GI symptoms are definitely flaring back up. The heartburn, the pain, the nausea. And, now, the diarrhea and possible bleeding "there" associated with my period (hoping it's just hemorrhoids?!?! Yes, TMI, I know). So, trying to stay in tuned with my body and definitely going to be having a conversation with the RE about the latest. The colon stuff bothers me...a lot. The only reason it wasn't re-sected at my last lap was for fertility reasons. They were not sure that they could successful resect and remove my colon from my uterus without causing a lot of damage. So, yeah, the colon symptoms REALLY bother me to think about.

Tuesday AM is my hydro sonogram. Which, may or may not bring it's own interesting twists to the story. Please keep your fingers crossed! I'm very anxious to have this done.