It's been a really strange weekend. Very much full of ups and downs. I feel stuck in a rut. Stuck in a TTC rut I guess? Our lives revolve around trying to have a baby...and at the moment still dealing with varying issues about our angel baby son. I don't know how to relax. How to just "go with the flow". Having a baby is all I think about. Obsessive. And, since Wyatt, it's different too. The normal "woe is me" TTC feelings are coupled with anger. So, those negative pregnancy tests are even a bigger blow than they used to be.
Lots of thinking about our upcoming FET. "When is the right time". Really, is there a "right time"?!? Sure, you have to be emotionally ready. But, is that even 100% possible? I can answer that with certainty...NO. For us, waiting the process out would be more grueling than just giving it a go. Waiting 3, 6, 9 months from now isn't going to make a difference on how we are going to feel if this doesn't work out. But, waiting that long surely will draw out the anxieties. If it's not going to work out, I'd rather find out sooner than later. To us, waiting would be the most emotionally taxing of the options.
So, then, couple all these conflicts with the fact that we don't want to feel like we are trying to forget our son. We aren't. We just need to move along with our lives. But, some days that concept is easier than others to grasp.
This weekend was so strange. I need some new clothes...badly. I used to LOVE shopping. Yesterday was terrible. Because of my new body, most of my staples just aren't cutting it anymore. I've lost about 5 pounds so far, which is great, but, nothing is going to change my new shape. My hips spread with the pregnancy. That is definitely something I can do nothing about. But, it drives me insane to go shopping. I want new clothes, but, then I'm on the fence about spending good money on something because I want to be pregnant soon. I know I just need to go with the now, but, it's so hard. Then, I feel bad because I go back to knowing at this point in time, I should be shopping for more maternity clothes to clothe my ever changing belly. It's hard...so hard. I just had to give up yesterday. It was just too much.
I feel like we are constantly living our lives on the uncertain future. I want to live for today...I do. But, easier said than done. When that 2 WW starts, everything seems to be put on hold; from our new exercise routine (which I slack off on during the 2 WW "just in case"), to watching what I eat and drink and do on a daily basis. During that wait, I am constantly doing things "just in case". And, of course it would be totally worth it if that "just in case" became fact. But, it usually doesn't and you go back to square one when the rain of pain comes down. A cyclical rut.
Speaking of cyclical my period was very much interesting. I can tell I'm having issues similar to "back in the day". In particular my GI symptoms are definitely flaring back up. The heartburn, the pain, the nausea. And, now, the diarrhea and possible bleeding "there" associated with my period (hoping it's just hemorrhoids?!?! Yes, TMI, I know). So, trying to stay in tuned with my body and definitely going to be having a conversation with the RE about the latest. The colon stuff bothers me...a lot. The only reason it wasn't re-sected at my last lap was for fertility reasons. They were not sure that they could successful resect and remove my colon from my uterus without causing a lot of damage. So, yeah, the colon symptoms REALLY bother me to think about.
Tuesday AM is my hydro sonogram. Which, may or may not bring it's own interesting twists to the story. Please keep your fingers crossed! I'm very anxious to have this done.
#MicroblogMondays 139: Wind Phones
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