I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Weird Weekend

It's been a really strange weekend. Very much full of ups and downs. I feel stuck in a rut. Stuck in a TTC rut I guess? Our lives revolve around trying to have a baby...and at the moment still dealing with varying issues about our angel baby son. I don't know how to relax. How to just "go with the flow". Having a baby is all I think about. Obsessive. And, since Wyatt, it's different too. The normal "woe is me" TTC feelings are coupled with anger. So, those negative pregnancy tests are even a bigger blow than they used to be.

Lots of thinking about our upcoming FET. "When is the right time". Really, is there a "right time"?!? Sure, you have to be emotionally ready. But, is that even 100% possible? I can answer that with certainty...NO. For us, waiting the process out would be more grueling than just giving it a go. Waiting 3, 6, 9 months from now isn't going to make a difference on how we are going to feel if this doesn't work out. But, waiting that long surely will draw out the anxieties. If it's not going to work out, I'd rather find out sooner than later. To us, waiting would be the most emotionally taxing of the options.

So, then, couple all these conflicts with the fact that we don't want to feel like we are trying to forget our son. We aren't. We just need to move along with our lives. But, some days that concept is easier than others to grasp.

This weekend was so strange. I need some new clothes...badly. I used to LOVE shopping. Yesterday was terrible. Because of my new body, most of my staples just aren't cutting it anymore. I've lost about 5 pounds so far, which is great, but, nothing is going to change my new shape. My hips spread with the pregnancy. That is definitely something I can do nothing about. But, it drives me insane to go shopping. I want new clothes, but, then I'm on the fence about spending good money on something because I want to be pregnant soon. I know I just need to go with the now, but, it's so hard. Then, I feel bad because I go back to knowing at this point in time, I should be shopping for more maternity clothes to clothe my ever changing belly. It's hard...so hard. I just had to give up yesterday. It was just too much.

I feel like we are constantly living our lives on the uncertain future. I want to live for today...I do. But, easier said than done. When that 2 WW starts, everything seems to be put on hold; from our new exercise routine (which I slack off on during the 2 WW "just in case"), to watching what I eat and drink and do on a daily basis. During that wait, I am constantly doing things "just in case". And, of course it would be totally worth it if that "just in case" became fact. But, it usually doesn't and you go back to square one when the rain of pain comes down. A cyclical rut.

Speaking of cyclical my period was very much interesting. I can tell I'm having issues similar to "back in the day". In particular my GI symptoms are definitely flaring back up. The heartburn, the pain, the nausea. And, now, the diarrhea and possible bleeding "there" associated with my period (hoping it's just hemorrhoids?!?! Yes, TMI, I know). So, trying to stay in tuned with my body and definitely going to be having a conversation with the RE about the latest. The colon stuff bothers me...a lot. The only reason it wasn't re-sected at my last lap was for fertility reasons. They were not sure that they could successful resect and remove my colon from my uterus without causing a lot of damage. So, yeah, the colon symptoms REALLY bother me to think about.

Tuesday AM is my hydro sonogram. Which, may or may not bring it's own interesting twists to the story. Please keep your fingers crossed! I'm very anxious to have this done.


Kelly said...

I couldn't agree with you more...that the constant limbo and the uncertain future and so incredibly difficult. I agree also, that taking a "break" to deal with a loss doesn't necessarily heal anything. We've been on a break for four months and I know when we start TTC again, it's still going to conjure up the hurt and anger all at the same time.

From someone who doesn't really even "know" you, I can tell from what little I know that you aren't going to forget Wyatt by allowing yourself to move forward. He is very much a part of you and always will be.

Good luck on Tuesday. I'm keeping everything crossed for you. Please let us know how it goes.

Nic said...

I am so sorry, you are having so many dilemas and they are all understandable. If you go ahead with a FET soon, no one will think you are trying to forget your soon.

I completely understand and sympathise all of your endo pains and signs, they make you feel so shit. I had my colon resected from my uterus in my last lap. No one told me of the fertility implications, I wish they had.

I hope the HSG goes well and they dont find anything to worry about.

Expectant Duck said...

There is something about TTC again after a loss that makes it worse, doesn't it?

The "other bleeding" is terrifying isn't it? I had that for years with endo and treated it with lupron for a year and it did go away, so I didn't have a resection at the last surgery (but, hoensty with the huge infection I dont' think they would have done it anyway).
Endo really sucks (And in my opinion) just makes being infertile harder, because here you are, you can't get pregnant you get your period and it feels like you want to die (then wrapped up with all those emotions) ugghhh.
Sorry, didn't mean to write a book, but just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

Jeanne said...


I'm really sorry for everything you're going through.

I think you're right that there is never a 100% "right time". Knowing everything you've been through, I can understand why you don't want to wait.

No one in a million years who knows you at all would ever think you are trying to forget your son. You are right that you need to move on with your lives. That doesn't mean you care about Wyatt any less.

On a practical note... as far as the clothes? You had mentioned that you wear scrubs to work. So you don't need pants for work, right? Just outside of work?

If that's the case, let me share what I do. After 7 surgeries (1 laparotomy, 6 laparoscopies), I can't wear jeans or any other pants that have a fly. I just can't do it. It hurts.

So, I look for pants made out of a stretchy material. I realize that these pants may not be quite as "cute" as what you're used to but they are super-comfortable and they work.

If for some reason you were to get pregnant, your stretchy pants could even grow with you despite the fact that they are not maternity pants.

In others words, you might save money and solve the dilemma of not feeling comfortable in your current pants in the hip area.

I made peace with the fact awhile back that the snazziest part of my outfit will never be pants.

You'd be surprised how much you can dress up a simple pair of black pants made of a stretchy material.

Colorful shirts and sweaters can put the focus up by your pretty face and away from your stretchy pants (not that the pants are that bad... really)! Anyway, it works for me.

The emotions you describe are shared by so many others on similar journeys. You are not alone.

I'm sorry for the various symptoms you described. I am well familiar with the loveliness that is rectal bleeding and it's not TMI... Anyone reading here knows that the symptoms aren't always the most pleasant. It is what it is.

My bowel resection was done for a different (non-endo) reason during my laparotomy but I have had cyclical rectal bleeding since January 2009 now. Two days before my period starts... every cycle...

We can talk offline about this if you want. My last colonoscopy was last April. (My 4th. Aren't I lucky??) I blogged about it.

Good luck Tuesday.

I'm thinking of you!!


P.S. Thanks for stopping by my blog post re: the endometriosis misinformation in the media. If you saw steam in the sky today, it came from my ears when I discovered the article's author is a GYN! There's nothing quite like gynecologists spreading lies about endometriosis!

Lena said...

yeah, constant cycles of disappointment here too... you explain the feeling well! :(

do you eat gluten? when i read that 80% of women with endo are gluten intolerant i cut it out of my diet. it's been a drag... but not as bad as i thought. and my digestion issues have gotten so so much better. it was a big problem for me. i feel better than i have since highschool (likely when my endo started). and i know that feeling better physically can only help with hopefully having a healthy pregnancy in the future.

What IF? said...

Moving ahead with a FET will understandably be hard, but nothing will change the fact that Wyatt is and will always be your son. You have gone through an incredible amount of physical and emotional pain, and I admire you for writing about it all so candidly, especially your unimaginable grief. You are one strong, incredible woman and I just wanted you to know that. I check in on you often, even though I don't always have a chance to comment. Thinking of you for Tuesday. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

i've got my fingers crossed for you! i know it probably doesn't feel quite right to move on but i also know wyatt would want you to be happy and move forward with your life. he knows you'll never forget him :)

jeanna said...

I had the same thing happen to me when I went shopping last week, first I thought as you did that I should be shopping in a different store, then the clothes didn't fit like they used to and it depressed me that my pant size went up 6 sizes. So instead of buying pants so that I can put away my maternity pants I left we just a few tops to hide my flab.

We are trying again soon and we will never be able to replace our sons even when we have another child; but I do hear it does help the pain....I hope so because this pain is so overwhelming.

Red said...

I hate that you have to be in that limbo state at the moment. I really hope it passes soon. I don't think waiting to do the FET has anything to do with 'forgetting' Wyatt, you will never do that. But hopefully you can move forward.

Anonymous said...

Best of luck to you tomorrow, Allison. I'll be thinking about you.