I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Doubts, doubts, go away!

10 weeks, 3 days

I haven't blogged in a few weeks. It's strange. Things have been busy with the new year here. Nothing much to report on this end. I don't have another Dr.'s appointment until a week from Tuesday. Seems like FOREVER away. Unless we choose the first trimester screening, we won't be having an ultrasound at that visit. However, I will be requesting a doppler. I need reassurance that this baby is still in there. Starting at 14 weeks I'll be going in for frequent ultrasounds to check the cervical length.

Luckily for a while nausea has been consistent and reassuring. Sore boobs, etc, etc. Unfortunately, those symptoms have started to wane...which, starts up the uneasy thoughts in my head. Some days I can go all day without a bout of any ick. Other days, I'd rather be in bed. Truthfully, until I get frequent peeks of this little one, I'd rather have some of that reassurance!!! I've been having bad dreams lately. They feel so real. We remain hopeful, but sometimes the doubt comes creeping in. Today, I just don't feel like I'm pregnant. Tomorrow, I hope that will be different.

Love you little one. Don't mean to doubt you. It's not you...it's me. Sometimes I wonder if my body is capable of doing this. My dreams are trying to convince me that it's not. Praying for peace, and, as always praying for you, dear child.


Kelly said...

This will sound strange, but I think that if you weren't feeling this way it would be even stranger than how you're feeling.

I know that our backgrounds are different, but I can relate to this post so well. There are times during certain days when I don't feel pregnant at all and it was one of the first things I asked at my first OB appointment at 10 1/2 weeks. I've also googled it to no end. I was reassured that it was a good thing, but still.

Hang in there. You're doing all that you can do and you're already a fabulous mother for loving your little one so much.

I hope your appointment gets here quickly!

Jennifer said...

Have you thought about getting a doppler for at home? That did a lot to reassure me. I got the Sonotrax-B for a great price on amazon and it was wonderful. I know the doubt is tough... you would much rather be completely blissfully, joyful without worry.

Nic said...

I hope your check up goes well and your little one is staying put for the whole journey.

Anonymous said...

I have been thinking of you guys loads and hoping everything was going okay... keeping all three of you in my prayers xx

erin said...

you know i think it's normal to have those doubts no matter what your past pregnancy journey has been. there are days that despite my bulging belly i don't feel pregnant..or i dont feel her move and i star to wonder and worry. but those are the the times i have to recite this verse...."Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:6-7

It really does help;)