I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Two days down

And, I'm still here to tell about it. As are those around me ;)

The first day back wasn't too bad. I was in tears before I even made it in the door. Only one person caused more to erupt, but, not by being dumb. Just with a simple hug. Mostly I was "avoided"; I guess it's really hard for people to know what to do or say? A co-worker emailed me today and said anytime I needed to talk or share pictures or whatever, that she was there...and that she was sorry she didn't say anything before then; she just wasn't sure what to say or not to say. It was a wonderful email and I very much appreciated her reaching out.

I just want people to acknowledge I had a baby and that Wyatt is and always will be a part of my life ("I'm sorry" would be sufficient). I don't want them to ignore it, or, me. We'll see how the rest of the week goes. Maybe they are giving me time to settle in.

I did have one of our pharmacists today ask me how the baby was, while pointing at my belly. Apparently he was out of the loop and unfortunately for him I was the one to break it to him. The sheer horror on his face was pretty unbearable. You could tell that he was just sick about having asked when I told him what happened. I was able to reassure him it was "okay" that he asked, and held the tears until I was able to be alone.

Lots of hurdles to overcome, but, I'm surviving out there. Not looking forward already to next week as I know I will HAVE to have some face to face time with a girl that is due the day after I was. A girl who REALLY likes to flaunt her pregnancy. I'm hoping she'll have the courtesy to tone it down some.

So, here I am. Thanks for thinking of me everyone!

Oh. Called my OB on Monday to see if the results from Wyatt's cord blood was back. No such luck. Seriously, it's been the 4-6 weeks. BRING IT. I'm getting really anxious and beginning to wonder if the hospital lost the blood. I would be absolutely SICK if that happened. My mom works in a lab and is theorizing that since it was all over the holidays that they are probably behind. I sure hope that is the case and we get everything back soon. I would really love to have the results when we go talk with the RE next week. So, keep your fingers crossed! I'm just ready to KNOW...whatever knowledge (or lack there of) that there is from the results.


Eileen said...

So sorry that going back to work has been so difficult. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I pray that you will get those blood test results soon and that they will bring you the answers you are looking for. Good luck with your upcoming appointment girl. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and keep you in my prayers.

Yaya said...

Oh hon. I'm so sorry. Going back to work has to be SO hard. I can't imagine. :(

Kelly said...

I've been wondering how you were doing. I'm sorry that it's been tough on you but I'm proud of you for the steps that you've been taking.

You're a brave woman who has amazing strength.

JellyBelly said...

You're so strong, it may not seem like you are, but you are so brave to be able to go back to work and function!

Sending you hugs and prayers!

Kathi said...

I found going to work and having a schedule good for me (it gave me a reason to get up in the morning, have a shower and get dressed) but I still hate it everyday because I should be at home running around after my girls not going somewhere else to work.
Hope the days working with Landry in your heart (and not your belly) get easier.

ReadyGo said...

This has to be such an amazingly difficult time for you. I think about you all the time. I hope that your coworkers will come around soon...and I'm SO glad that you have someone at work who is caring and supportive. That sounded like a wonderful email.

Lizy said...

Thanks for your message on my blog. I totally feel the going back to work. It will get easier to handle. I thought I woul die that first week back. I hve 3 other teacher who are due the same time and that is tough. One is also a loud pregnant one... Hoping you find peace in ur journey. Email me we can share our war stories. Lizy from Chicago

Expectant Duck said...

It must be so so hard to be at work. When we lost our baby during the last surrogacy, I found it so hard to go back to work and face trying to be normal and I would sit in my cubicle and howl, and we lost our baby so early, I can only imagine how hard it must be and I have been hearing, I have been reading and my heart has been breaking for you.

SOrry, don't mean to be a downer, but, just wanted you to know that you are not alone if you feel like you want to just crawl under a rock.

The Caldwells said...

I have been really thinking about you and praying for you these last couple of days. We are coming up on the 8 month birthday of our girls and there are people who still don't know what to say. Just this week someone I work with was talking about pregnancy and asked, "did you experience that when you were pregnant with Grayson?" (my son) I replied by saying, "Yes, and with Faith and Avery too." I am like you. I want everyone to acknowledge my twins. I just wanted you to know that it is fine that you feel that way. All of us mom's with baby angels do.

erin said...

im glad its been bearable...but i cannot imagine how hard it was to go back. im hoping you continue to get the support you need and desire..and any time you wanna come to charleston and share anything about wyatt...im so there to listen.

Kate said...

Sounds like you're handling things pretty well. It's rough, but you're dealing with it. I'm sure people will anticipate tears, so don't worry too much about holding things together perfectly. I sure hope the pg woman keeps away a little - I don't know that I could deal with that!
Hope things get easier day by day.

Jeanne said...


I'm so sorry about the stress of going back to work and the pharmacist who was out of the loop. That email you got sounded very supportive. I would tap into her support for sure. She took the time to write you and clearly wants to help. I hope the results come soon. It sounds like you are handling everything amazingly well... but, then, you always do. Thinking of you!


Amanda and Tim said...

I can't imagine how difficult to has been for you to go back to work, but am glad that some of your co-workers have reached out. Thinking of you still and keeping you in my prayers xx

Mita said...

I'm glad to hear about the email your co-worker sent to you.

You may not always feel brave, but please know that your fellow sisters are sending you our strength. We are all thinking of you and praying for you and your husband.

Little Wyatt is with you every step of the way, and will be every day of your life.

I hope your pg friend has the respect to tone it down. Some people just *need* to show off, whether it be the new car, the new shoes or the big belly. Let's hope she realizes this is not the time.

Hope you hear back from the lab soon.

Anonymous said...

i am the total opposite of you, i would have to request that people just pretend like nothing happened because i know every "i'm sorry" or hug would make me cry!!
i'm sorry the results from the cord blood haven't come back yet, that must be really frustrating, but i bet that it didn't get lost, you're mom's probably right, they're probably just behind from the holidays.

Erika said...

Sounds like your doing amazing and of course that you have a few wonderful co-workers. Good luck as you continue on. Still praying for you!

Elisabeth said...


First of all, I am so sorry for your recent loss.

My name is Elisabeth, and I am an infertility / repeated pregnancy loss "veteran". You can read a little bit about me and my experiences in my blog: drhousewife.blogspot.com . I am completing a PhD in Counseling Psychology, and my dissertation is focused upon the impact of infertility on marriage. I believe strongly that there is a need for better support services for men and women who are undergoing IF diagnosis and treatment, and my hope is that this study will aid in the development of such services.

I am contacting you after stumbling across your blog. I am recruiting participants for my study, and wanted to invite you and your husband to take part. All that would be involved would be the completion of an online survey, that would take approximately 20 minutes. All couples who complete the surveys will receive a voucher good for a pair of free movie tickets at a Regal Cinemas.

Please let me know if you are interested by emailing me at UTInfertilityResearch@gmail.com .

Best of luck to you!

Member of a married, heterosexual couple
Both you and your spouse are between the ages of 20 – 45
You do not have any biological or adopted children living in your home
You are not currently pregnant
Either you, your spouse, or both has received an infertility diagnosis
You have received treatment for infertility in the past six months, or plan to do so in the next six months
Both you and your partner are willing to participate & have access to the internet

Anonymous said...

Don't stress too much about the labs. They really are slow during the holidays and could just simply be that. I'm praying you get your results in time for the RE appointment. Surely you will. If not, once you get them, you can always forward them on to the RE and have them call you with their opinions. Your strength is amazing. Take one day at a time and just breathe.