I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!





Saturday, January 9, 2010

"Normal"...if there is such a thing

We finally got the call about the test results we've been waiting on from Wyatt's cord blood...only because I harassed the OB until they called to get them from the hospital ;) Whatever gets the job done, right?

Everything came back 100% normal-no chromosomal abnormalities. While this obviously has us very relieved, we are also left with so many questions unanswered. I would never in a million years want anything to be wrong with our beautiful Wyatt. But, I was kinda hoping it wasn't all on the fact that my body enjoys to revolt against me.

So, we are left with the theory of the hematoma. More specifically a "retroplacental" hematoma. Why it happened or never went away is anyone's guess. There are theories, but, nothing that is concrete. It ranges from " it's just one of those things" to my endometriosis and it's possible role in interfering with implantation. The uncertainty is enough to drive anyone insane.

The rest of the work week was okay. No major hiccups. I never stop thinking about Wyatt. The thoughts get easier though. The pain is still very there-deep in my gut. I know that gut-wrenching sorrow will never fully go away. I don't expect it to. I don't really want it to either. I heard something very wise this week about how someone coped with their loss-when the time comes that you need to grieve, immerse yourself in that moment and grieve so you can move on until the next moment arises. Try not to push these moments aside and really just let them take you over. It really does help-pretty much sums up how I've been coping and grieving. I just thought it was interesting put into words like that.

We have an appointment on Tuesday with the RE...to discuss what happened and what is next. We won't be doing much this year in the way of IVF procedures, except for maybe a FET (frozen embryo transfer). We have two beautiful frosties waiting on us. We have maxed out our insurance on fertility procedures. It really didn't take much. Really. Next year I can roll over to my insurance which will cover an additional $25K if needed. But, that's another year. It'll be interesting to say the least. I have to re-invest faith in my body and it's capabilities. Whatever they may be. We'll see how the apt goes. I'm glad to be going back to such an amazing team. I need that familiarity and compassion right now.

Thank you all for your continuing support!

17 comments:

Bree said...

Thinking of you and your sweet baby, Wyatt. Youre so right, this process is so difficult and all encompassing.

Jennifer said...

I'm so sorry that you didn't get a definitive answer with what happened with Wyatt. I can imagine how difficult it must be not having the "why" answered. My thoughts and prayers are still with you.

Kate said...

Sounds like you're doing about as well as can be expected. I just wish you had more concrete "for sure" answers about how and why it happened so that you and your doctors could plan to prevent it from recurring.
Hope next week is a little easier.

Word Designer said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I truly wish there were some way I could help. You are in my prayers.

Wordy
Word Designer

Eileen said...

I am sorry that you were left with no answers as to why Wyatt was taken from you so suddenly. I pray that each day gets easier for you. I know that your son is smiling down on you from heaven and is so proud of how strong his mommy really is. We can all tell that you are an amazing, courageous woman. You have so many people pulling for you and I cannot wait to hear about this successful FET when your heart is ready to try again. I will follow every word of your journey. *HUGS*

Kelly said...

I'm glad that you fought and finally got these results. I'm glad that everything came back normal. It must have been a relief to a certain degree.

(((HUGS)))

Please keep us posted how your visit goes with your RE.

J said...

Just wanted to let you know that I nominated you for an award. Check my blog and pass it on!

Expectant Duck said...

That's some great advice about grieving, and so very true, grieving is important (and we all try and just push it aside).

Not having a concrete reason for loosing Wyatt makes it even harder, doesn't it?

It is fabulous that you have insurance that covers fertiltiy, one of the hard parts is how much this all costs, but, as I remind myself(and in surrogacy the costs are HUGE) it is just money and if it takes a lifetime to pay it off, then it takes a lifetime.

Erika said...

I know nothing about loosing a baby. I do know about my grieving when I lost my father a few years ago. Even today, 2 and a half years later, those moments when the grief is overwhelming, pushing it off does make it worse for me. I hope getting back to your new "normal" and into a routine is helpful for you. Good luck with your RE appt.

litlee said...

i also have stage 4 endo and after IVF am currently mourning my two little girls that we delivered at 20 weeks. i can relate to so much of what you say and how you are feeling. im also in a place where i am okay right up until someone brings them/the situation up and then i am a puddle of tears. but i WANT them to bring it up. there is nothing worse than the people who have seen me and haven't said anything! its either that they dont want to see my pain, or want to save themselves some. either way it sucks. i just wanted to tell you that i know what you are going through and i bet wyatt was a gorgeous little guy. its FET for us next too, im looking forward to 2010 :)
lisa
www.builtinbirthcontrol.com

Kelly said...

Stay strong!

devon said...

Praying for you daily! I can't imagine what you and your husband are going through.

autoimmunelife said...

I'm glad you received the results, and so sorry you didn't get any real answer as to what happened. :( ((hugs)) You are in my thoughts!

Jeanne said...

Allison,

That advice someone gave you...

"When the time comes that you need to grieve, immerse yourself in that moment and grieve so you can move on until the next moment arises. Try not to push these moments aside and really just let them take you over".

... that sounds like wonderful advice. I'm glad it is helping you to handle it this way.

I'm sorry the uncertainty of the various theories is so frustrating.

Thinking of you!!!

Jeanne

Shelly said...

I'm sorry that you couldn't get a definate answer as to what happened to, with our baby Zachary we found out that he had Trisomy 18. The dr pretty much knew that something wasn't right on the U/S when we found out he was gone. That's been 4 yrs ago and the pain is Still so deep. it does get better but never goes away. I'm sending up prayers for you and your husband

Yaya said...

I'm glad you are allowing yourself to be immersed in your emotions. It's hard, but you need to do that.
(((Hugs)))

Jeanne said...

Allison,

Sending ((hugs)) your way!

Jeanne