I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!





Sunday, January 3, 2010

Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work I go...

...and, I could just VOMIT thinking about it.

I'm VERY nervous about how the day will go tomorrow and throughout the week. I don't know what to expect. Everyone there knows I was pregnant...everyone. I was 18 weeks. Of COURSE people knew.

A lot of my co-workers have been fabulous during this time. Many brought food over to our house during the first three weeks after we lost Wyatt. They sent cards, flowers, and special gifts. But, even with as amazing as most of my co-workers are, there are always those few. Heck, even being amazing doesn't mean you won't say something stupid.

And, as much as I am afraid of people saying something stupid, I'm more afraid of people just completely ignoring what happened. I need recognition of Wyatt. He is my first born. My son. I don't want people just pretending he never existed and that I haven't just gone through something very traumatizing in my life. Most of the people my husband works with pretty much ignored everything and just pretended that life was honkey dorey. Yes, life goes on, but, that doesn't mean we want to pretend the past isn't our past.

So, here I am. Anxious as hell and wondering what these next 5 days will bring. I know I will survive. I know eventually it'll all feel "normal" again (a new normal). I can and will do this and carry on. But, just because I am carrying on from the outside, doesn't mean that the hurt isn't there on the inside.

13 comments:

Kelly said...

I can only imagine what you're feeling. I was nervous after my losses and very few people knew. People just don't know what to say. They may try to say something and it will come out wrong or they will just decide not to try to upset you and not say anything.

One thing that helped me (take this or leave this) was that I emailed everyone that I worked with that knew and asked them to please be normal with me during the day. Business as usual. That way, someone wouldn't stop by my classroom and ask "how are you doing?" and cause me to lose it.

You'll be in my thoughts tomorrow. Do what you can and when you are finished, just go home.

(((HUGS)))

Yaya said...

(((Hugs)))
It will be a hard day tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you.

Eileen said...

:-( *HUGS*. I can't imagine having to go back to that stress. I hope that everyone will acknowledge what a difficult transition this must be for you heading back to work and that everyone shows you the kind of support you will need. Good luck.

JellyBelly said...

I'll be praying for you tomorrow. I hope that the day isn't too difficult for you.

Hugs!

Red said...

Oh, best of luck. I know it will be hard and people will not know the 'right' things to say. Some people will probably 'ignore' it as they feel too uncomfortable, or they think it will be easier on you. I am sure they will still have your best interests at heart AND still be thinking of your son, even if they don't know how to express it.

I hope it is not too hard on you.

Kate said...

Good luck. I know when I went back after my 8.5 week miscarriage (can't even compare to your loss, I know), I had some who ignored the whole thing, others who didn't know anything, and the other ones who told me about their own losses many years before. I cried in front of some of them (always easy for me to do). And a few months later had one or two ask me when I was due (cause they'd been wondering why I wasn't showing yet) - that was a little awkward, and they were more upset about it than I was by that time.
Hopefully you'll have some lovely ones there to support you and acknowledge your son, and not too many who put their feet in their mouths!

Erika said...

I hope for your sake your co-workers use their heads before spouting off any comments. Praying you have a good as can be day tomorrow! I'll be thinking about you.

Lisa said...

Good luck this week!

Sara said...

you will be in my prayers this week!

Amanda and Tim said...

I shall be thinking of you and hoping the day goes better than expected xx

Nic said...

I really hope that going back to work is not as hard or traumatic as you expect. I hope that people do recognise the loss you have had and not just sweep it under the carpet. The only thing to be careful is as you say, people may say something stupid that may harm you, even though they were trying so hard to say the right thing!
Take care of yourself going back
x

K said...

I wish you lots of luck, strength and peace today. ♥

katery said...

i hope the day goes ok for you, good luck!