Merry Christmas!

While we are feeling so blessed this year because of the upcoming potential in our life, we also are missing our baby boy who left us far too soon. Looking at fellow bloggers tickers and facebook friend's status updates, I am constantly reminded of milestones we will never reach with Wyatt. Hard to believe, if born full-term, he would have been 8 MONTHS old for this Christmas. Kind of hard to NOT think of this day and what it could have been.

Instead we hold our heads high and hope for the future. So blessed and glad we have that light of hope lit in our hearts right now.

I know in the struggle of illness and infertility, some days it's hard to realize our blessings. Holidays can be especially painful, especially on such holidays where the magic of children is so stressed and so in our faces (believe me...when you struggle with infertility...it feels VERY much in your face!!!). But, I hope today you can feel the warmth and love of those around you and are comforted by sharing this day with family and friends. Merry Christmas and many great blessings for the new year to come!

Mourning after losing a baby-article on Oprah.com

What's beautiful about this piece is that it captures the heartache of the process, and yet shows how we find a way to make it to the next day...and the day after that.  This is a husband, telling his heartache.  But, those of us who have lost can surely relate!  I know I did!!!

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Men-and-Miscarriage-Mourning-After-Losing-a-Baby

Don't get too excited

Really?  Why would you say this to someone?  I had a friend say this to me the other day.  And a family member (not a close one).  Add this to the growing list of moronic things that people say to you  ;) 

 

My husband and I have decided that we are going to enjoy this pregnancy.  One day at a time.  I never want to regret not being happy about this time in our lives.  Yes, it's scary as hell.  But, there is some really wonderful and joyful potential going on in there.  What if I do make it full term and have this child for this world?  Then I will look back on this pregnancy...and wonder how I could have enjoyed it more?  I don't want those regrets.  Take each and every day and enjoy it unless we are given reason to do otherwise!

 

Besides, like I said before, it's kind of impossible not to be hopeful and excited.  Seriously impossible.  Isn't this what we wish for as "infertiles"?  Isn't this what we dream about?  I will not take the time we are given with this pregnancy for granted.  Whether it be 8 weeks or 9 months!  This is what we hope and dream for...and I will be happy!!!  Damn.it!  Scared yes.  Happy, definitely!!!

 

Love you little bean!!!  We have our first OB appointment tomorrow.  Maybe we'll get to see you again.  If not, please behave and grow!  We will do the best we can from out here!!!

Wow

One baby.  Great heartbeat.  Measuring perfectly.  WOW.  I am still shaking and in shock. 

 

We are beyond excited and scared!  Very different feeling from the last pregnacy.  Definitely very appreciative but so apprehensive.  We will just take it one day at a time.  I have graduated to an OB and will be followed both by him and a Maternal and Fetal Medicine group (because I am considered high risk).  My first appointment is next Weds and hopefully we'll get a better idea of how appointments and all will go throughout.  I'm glad to be followed so closely, so hopefully we can bring this baby home with us in about 7-ish months.  NO SOONER!!!

The impossible

It is impossible to ignore or want to ignore what is hopefully going on inside of me. Even though we know anything can happen and things are uncertain... we can't help but obviously love this life that is developing and pray for it constantly. Loss and infertility has certainly put a whole different spin on the appreciation of conceiving and the whole process of a pregnancy. Each week is a cause for celebration, each bout of nausea is a welcome ill (er splitting migraines are not welcome thank you- ha ha), yet each moment feels so uncertain and unsure.

Pregnancy after a loss is so very different. It's hopeful, scary, exciting, surreal. I haven't even been able to come up with words to express myself. Hopefully I'll have another 7 1/2 months to feel it out and share.

8 days until the ultrasound. We are ready to see you little one. Even though we are very tentative, know you are loved immensely!!!

Numbers are good!

So good that I can stop these blasted estrogen patches!!!  I ripped that thing off so quickly...pretty sure it took a couple of layers of skin with it.  I've been having killer migraines the past few days.  The past 4 out of 5 days to be exact.  They've been so bad, I finally talked myself into going to the ER.  Fingers crossed that they will calm down a bit with getting rid of the Vi.velle!!! 

 

934 was the magic number today.  :)  My estrogen was 120-something  They are quite pleased and I'll be going in two weeks for an ultrasound when I am 7weeks, 1 day.  Tomorrow is 5 weeks!!!  Not meaning to complain about the migraines...not that I am not thankful for this pregnancy.  Because I am!!!  Honestly though, I could do without the debilitating head explosions!

 

I can't wait to hear and see the heartbeat and really get settled into the thought of being pregnant again!!!  It still doesn't feel real.  I guess I still have my guard up.

 

Love you little bean!  Grow strong and please nestle in for the long haul!!!  Please!!!

Wow

Already feeling overwhelmed with my own emotions, I have been absolutely blown away with your support today. Wow!!! Thanks. One hurdle down... many to go!

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Don't tell my mom...

But, I'm pregnant!!!

So far.

Beta was 499 this AM!!!

Truth be told, I am scared out of my mind and in complete and utter shock. The incessant migraines the past few days though gave it away for me...I should have known. I'm so scared. I just sat on the bed staring at the phone when the nurse told me. Lots of conflicting emotions. So, trying to stay grounded here and wait for Weds. test to see if they can double. Until then, I'm in love!!!! And I will be thankful for what we have been given, even though it isn't a guarantee.

If you know me, don't tell others that don't read this blog. We'll all talk more later! And, neither of our parents know a thing. Waiting a little bit so they don't have to ride an emotional roller coaster with us if there is one.

Holy cow. I seriously cannot believe it!

Nail biting

I'm ready for our beta! If these migraines and nausea are any indication, we are in some kind of business. Just not sure of what nature. I called the RE on call this AM begging to come off the estrogen patches because I had 3 migraines in 24 hours. Nursing my migraine hangover now and debating going to work tomorrow.

Bring on the bw. I've never tested this late... what would be a good beta?!

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Patience is a virtue?

Yeah. Not so good with that. LOL. I'm driving myself insane analyzing symptoms. Sooooooooooo ready for Monday! This really could go either way. Preparing myself for bad news, while remaining hopeful. Is hopeful pessimism real? ;)

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Thankful

On our way to see family and its shaping up to be a gorgeous day! My toes are pleased in their flip flops for the mid 70's today! I am thankful for so much this year... even though at times it doesn't feel like I have a lot to be thankful for. That couldn't be father from the truth, and I'm glad we have today to reflect on that!
We have an amazing set of friends and family. I have the best and most loving husband. We have good jobs, a wonderful home, and a crazy cat. We are truly blessed! We are parents to a beautiful angel son and hopeful for another chance at parenthood here on this earth.

I hope you find time today to feel thankful. I know the journey if infertility and Endo is a difficult one, but, be thankful today for something beautiful!

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Progesterone suppositories are gross!!

I mean, I'm all for their purpose, but, um, gross!!! 

 

Has anyone ever experienced (TMI here folks) a pinkish tint to any of the discharge at times?  It's not all of it, just sporadically.  Gross.  Just typing that makes me want to hurl  ;)

POAS?

Today I am 7dp5dFET (12dp"o").  Technically the HCG shot should be out of my system and I could start POAS.  But, I just can't do it.  Why?  There are several reasons.  The biggest reason is that pregnancy test sticks are EVIL.  I've only seen a positive pregnancy test once...that was about 7 weeks into my last pregnancy when I started bleeding.  Other than that, there are never two lines.  There is never "pregnant" staring me back in the face.  It's too much rejection!  Expensive rejection!!

 

Another reason is our experience with a "chemical" pregnancy.  So what if it says "Pregnant".  Am I really?  Only for a few days?  I want to see the numbers...if there are numbers to be seen.  I need the cold hard facts.  Maybe that's the researcher in me.

 

Then, there's the fact that Thanksgiving is a mere 2 days away.  We didn't so much have a good Thanksgiving last year.  I spent the majority of the evening in the ER with post partum bleeding that was eventually remedied with a D&C.  We want to enjoy the holiday, blissfully ignorant of our results.  We are going to be with family and friends all weekend.  If we needed time to be to ourselves, there wouldn't be much time for that.  We will count our blessings and be thankful that we have even been given this opportunity.  And to continue to be thankful for the things that we do have in our lives.

 

So, I will try to not drive myself insane (sometimes that's hard, lol), wondering what's going on in there.  I do have a few symptoms, but, those could very easily be attributed to the progesterone and estrogen that I am on.  I just have to trust that if there is something beautiful happening inside of me, right now, I am doing all that I can do. 

I don't mind at all!

I don't mind at all that you are following :) I just wanted to know. Sometimes it's nice to know who's out there. Thanks for thinking I'm interesting enough to read up on! Love y'all!!! Keep your fingers crossed our way!

Let yourself be known

Okay, so, I'm asking for all my stalking real life friends and family to let yourself be known. I don't mind you following along, I just want to know who will be ahead of any news curve there may or may not be in the next few weeks. I've already had one confession!

Love you, and, thanks for following... now fess up! ;)

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ICLW

It's been a while since I've participated! Not sure why-lazy much? Anyway, just a brief background: I'm 30 and we've been trying to have a baby for 3 1/2 years now. I have stage IV endometriosis that was diagnosed in 2/2008. I've had 2 IVF procedures. Both were successful-the first in May 2009 resulted in a chemical pregnancy. The 2nd was in July/August 2009. That pregnancy ended at 18 weeks with the birth of our son...they say due to premature rupture of membranes. We were devastated and heartbroken, left to pick up the pieces and move on with our lives without the child we worked and prayed so hard for.

We've been trying since March 2010 to have our FET done. After two failed attempts, we were finally able to have it done on November 16th and both of our frozen embryo's were transferred! We are currently in the "two week" wait. Meanwhile, we just honored our son's birthday yesterday, November 20th. It's been a roller coaster of a fall!!!!

One year ago today...

We became parents. Just a little too early. Today we remember our son Wyatt. A year ago today we were living every parents nightmare... knowing we would never know our son in this world. Although it was one of the worst, it was one of the most beautiful as well as i gave birth and we held our baby boy. If only for a little while, that time will remain in our hearts forever.

Happy Birthday Wyatt. Thank you for allowing us to know the love of being parents. That is something this world can never take away from us!

We miss you terribly!

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I'm not good at waiting!

I need patience! So, technically today is 7dpo? Kind of confused with the whole fet thing. 2dp5dt? I guess it doesn't matter. My real countdown is to my official beta. 11 days! Today i had some VERY light spotting and cramping

Last night was pretty exciting with my last hcg shot. My husband could NOT get the needle in. After four attempts I called a nurse friend in for backup. ;) poor guy got so nervous! As did I!!

Two days until our sons birthday. I can hardly believe is been a year. After his burial service on Monday, I've had a strange peace over me. I still think Saturday will be hard. Wish we were celebrating a first birthday differently!

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Pregnant until proven otherwise

Two beautiful embies in and hopefully getting comfy!!! It happened! It finally happened!!! 13 days to beta#1. Let the count down begin!

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Whoa

Tomorrow starts my "2ww" if this all goes through as planned, even though my transfer isn't until next Tuesday.  Trying to wrap my head around that!

 

Honestly...

 

I'm scared. 

 

And excited. 

 

And ready-whatever the outcome may be.

We are a go...

I repeat...GO.

Ov.idrel Tuesday gets this party started!!! Transfer in T-minus 8 days!!!

Son's "birthday" in 12 days. It's gonna be a wild ride!!!

Honestly though, the timing seems kinda perfect, in it's own, strangly emotional way. We are burying Wyatt on Monday, the 15th. That has been planned for a few months now (thinking I was having our transfer today). Lay him to rest and hopefully start a new journey with our transfer the next day? One can only hope. Not to forget our past. We will never forget or want to. Just to begin moving forward with another phase. Not to say that this isn't a very emotional time for us right now, because it is. But, this is a nice, hopeful distraction. We just have to not get too hopeful, or this will surely be a crushing blow.

Really, is there such thing as not getting too hopeful?

Happy for today, and totally sticking with it!!!

Shut up...

SHUT UP. There was a follicle this morning!!! Not at all mature, but, one nonetheless. I am going in tomorrow AM just for another good measure and then, Tuesday is the planned day for the ov.idrel!!! And the following Tuesday-transfer. WHAT?!?! Are we SERIOUSLY going forward? FORWARD? Trying not to get too excited-still a lot of variables ahead. But, it feels good to be going in the right direction! One.step.at.a.time!

My FET explained

Yeah, it's kinda confusing. I don't even understand fully. See, I'm one to question medical professionals-about EVERYTHING. But, when it comes to ART sometimes, I'd rather leave it to them. I'm OCD and stressed out enough about this, sometimes I cannot bother myself with the little details. However, I too was very confused about the follicle and this FET. It's never been an issue before-we always focued on the lining. What's going on?!?

Basically, it's like this. Since this is different from a traditional FET cycle (more drugs, including ovary stimulating ones), there are certain parameters that they have to follow. My mistake, it doesn't have to be a MATURE follicle. WHEW-sigh of relief there since I've had a few issues with that before. There just needs to be something resembling one present before we move forward. Why? The follicle signals the ovulatory process, and all the wonderful, embryo welcoming features it brings with it. Seeing that follicle will tell them that things are SUPER optimal for go. It will start my natural progesterone and all the good hormones that make a nice home for the embies. Extra protection if you will for these blasts that are waiting for us.

If there never comes a follicle...I am not 100% sure that they will cancel this cycle. Maybe it just won't be optimal. I didn't ask. I know, I know. Honestly though, I don't want to think about that if. We are ready to move forward. Positive thoughts...right?!?!

I think they are just being extra conservative. They really want this to work out for us. We've had one chemical pregnancy and one 2nd trimester loss. They are really wanting to make sure that this sticks...and sticks properly. At least, that's how I see it.

If things look good tomorrow (going in Sunday AM for another US), then, I'll have my ovidrel shot then next weekend is the transfer (5 day blasts-WOOT!). Here's to hoping!!! THANKS EVERYONE for helping to keep me sane! ;)

DRAT

Okay, another appointment set for Sunday AM to see if a follicle will just "pop" up.  Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh.  So, definitely won't be a Monday transfer.  Why isn't my either one of my ovaries making a goof follicle?  How will it make a mature follicle from under 10mm in two days?  Is that even possible?  I don't mind paying for another pen....if this is going to happen.  Really, at this point, I need to buy one "just in case".

 

I.dunno.if.i.can.handle.this.

Houston...

There isn't a problem?  Well, I dunno totally about that, but, my lining is at 8 mm this morning!  CAN I GET A WOOT WOOT?  Holy cow, I am pure excitement right now, and it's not even 8 AM.  I'm trying not to get totally caught up in this.  See, this isn't something that the clinic normally does...a FET with this combo of drugs.  It's working on my lining!  However, my ovaries aren't so impressed, as seen by the not so present follicle/s.  So, really, the nurse just flat out said she isn't sure what the Dr. will do.  ACK!  So, just waiting on a call.  Hoping hoping hoping that everything will fall into place-I'll run out of Gonal.F Sat.  I soooooo dont want to have to buy another pen!

 

Is this REALLY going to happen?!?!

Infertility and social media

A friend forwarded me a pretty interesting and true article today.  I know this will resonate with all of my fellow infertility sufferers:  http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/10/24/AR2010102402642.html?hpid=topnews

 

And a pretty funny follow-up via Jezebel:

http://jezebel.com/5680665/what-facebook-feed-looks-like-when-all-your-friends-have-babies

What do you think about infertility and our social media society?!

 

Today's post is brought to you by the number 6

I went in for my first US today.  Lining is up to 6mm, which, is good.  That's all it would ever get up to the last two times, and, that's the minimum they'd like to see for a FET.  So, hopefully that will continue to progress and we can get out of that grey area-I know they will not transfer me at the minimum.  They'd also like to see a mature follicle to signal the ovulatory process.  None of that yet.  A few on the right that will most likely never mature...they never do.  There are some on the left too-rooting for one of those!!!  Soooooo nervous about this.  I will go in again on Friday and see what's going on.  The transfer was originally scheduled for Monday.  I am not sure if we are still on course for that or not.  This has been the longest week!  On top of all of this, I'm battling a delicious little head cold.  Great timing, as usual.  Hoping to shake this off, and fast!

 

More waiting!

Quick like

Just a quick post from my smartphone.  Apt went well last week. Doesn't seem to be a sugar issue. Insert sigh of relief here!!!  Perhaps when I stopped working out...I lost muscle mass?  I'm sure the drugs don't help the other symptoms! Well see. Going to follow up with my pcp next week!

In the meantime,  carry on.  Decrease Lu.pron.  start Gonal.F. no more doxy.  Patch. Lots going on!!!

Thanks for your kind words!

Don't ignore me!

That's what my body has been saying, and, I didn't want to listen. Today, I finally called the RE. "Could my excessive thirst, constant urination and 7 pounds of magical weight loss (in 3 weeks) be because of the A.ygestin?". Obviously, no. I have a fasting blood glucose test now scheduled along with my US and other bloodwork on Thursday, since my amazingly un-compassionate PCP couldn't squeeze me in until next Tuesday. Fingers crossed this is just some weird, flukey thing coincidentally going on, and, that my glucose isn't up to no good. A friend of mine today at work took my blood sugar about an hour after lunch and it was pretty high, but, not scary high. Hopefully it was just what I ate!!! That same friend is going to test me in the AM before I get anything to eat to help ease my mind before Thursday. Gotta love friends in the know!

Always something.

Otherwise, I'm feeling okay, aside from hormonal.

Just peachy.

This week's starting line-up!

Here we go again

Today is my last "drug free" (aside from the Aygestin I am already on) day.  We start FET #1, take 3, with a round of doxy, Aygestin and Lu.pron tomorrow.  In all honesty, I am nervous as hell.  I've never been this nervous before.  We've never had to wait this long before.  We've been waiting since the beginning of the year for this to take place.  I hope it all works out.  3 weeks from yesterday is our transfer date.  Here goes nothing!!!  Actually, not nothing.  Lots of hope riding on this cycle.  And, lots of emotions that will be cropping up in the next few weeks.  So, here goes A LOT!!!

I am the face Campaign

Check out this website. In honor of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day (which is THIS Friday, October 15th), they are trying to get 2000 faces and raise $2000 to represent the 2000 women and families a DAY that suffer a loss of some kind. What an astounding statistic!!! I am a face. Please join the movement and spread the word!

Changes...and I'm not talking about the leaves!

It's been a very hard fall for us.  Time marches on.  Last year at this time, I was into my 2nd trimester, blissfully unaware of the tragedy that laid before us.  My how a year can change so dramatically.  Life moves forward, even when you don't want it to.  Sometimes I feel like life is moving forward all around us, while, we are stuck in the same gear we have been for years.  There have been some changes our way though.  We sold our house, built a new one, and moved in.  It was nice for a while to have something to look forward to.

 

We've attempted several FET's this year, but, nothing has worked out so far.  Here we are, "moving forward" again in this regard, yet, I still feel like we are standing still.  I will start a new course of medication in 9 days.  In 9 days, a new cycle of hope begins.  In 9 days we wonder again how far will we get this time?  Can we make it to a transfer day?  Will the embies thaw?  So many ups and downs ahead of us this next month, all the while as we walk hand in hand into our 4th year of marraige and also as we prepare to "celebrate" our son's first "birthday".  It's a crazy, hormone filled fall that is upon us.  We are ready to know the outcome.  Ready to know what lies ahead and what steps we will be taking next.  Is this a road that will lead to parenthood here on earth, or, more devestation and heartache?  We can't hurry up time and see what is waiting for us.  We can only hope and pray.

I only wanted you

I Only Wanted You

They say memories are golden
Well maybe that is true.
I never wanted memories
...I only wanted you.

In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place
No one could ever fill.

If tears could build a stairway
And heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the path to heaven
And bring you back again.



author unknown

This is a special announcement brought to you by hormones

Aygestin is making me feel extra special crazy and bitchy this time around.

Thank you, that is all.

Update

It's been a bit insane around here-we've moved! Finally! :) In our new home, and loving it. Sometimes it gets a little sad, because it's a large home and I look around and wonder if we can fill it with little ones. Or a little one. We'd be happy with that.

Just a quick update. Saw the RE. My ovary is so dysfunctional that the endometrioma has kinda died off-it's not being fed. So, that was good news. Wasn't it? Dysfunctional...not so much. No mass...definitely! We are going to try for the last time this year in November for our FET. A little too close to Wyatt's bday for my comfort, but, such is the way of things sometimes. Starting my shots at the end of next month, so, on a little Ay.gestin break right now.

Thanks for all of the thoughts! Heading to Atlanta this weekend for Resolve's FIRST Walk of Hope! If you'd like to support our team (What they didn't teach you in sex ed), check out , this link,!!! :)

Torn

Today is Day 1.  And, I'm torn about what to do.  This is supposed to be the mega cycle...our grand finale.  And now, I don't know what to do.  I am going to call the clinic today and talk with the nurse.  She needs to fax all the prescriptions to my insurance company so we can figure out what's covered and if we can even afford this right now.  You see, we are in the middle of a move.  Our movers come tomorrow.  And, with moving, there are lots of lilttle things here and there to pay for. 

 

AND, I am not sold on taking all these meds LIKE I'm doing an IVF cycle...but without the retrieval.  Seems kinda silly to take all those drugs without doing the whole protocol, you know?  I am switching insurance for next year.  Technically, I can wait until Jan1, take all these medications, and do a fresh cycle.  Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

 

AND I don't know what's going on with this cyst and it's making me nervous.  Double Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh.

 

I may just go on the Aygestin and wait a little bit while I sort through all the questions in my head...

 

To be continued...

Endo T-shirts! Too cute!

Check it out HERE!

I just ordered one, very excited! Slightly expensive, but, I'm all over the awareness of it all!

Itchy itchy, scratchy scratchy

One of my flipping incisions is ITCHING like CRAZY tonight!!!! WHAT THE HECK?!?! This continues to baffle me. For those of you that don't know, THIS is what my incisions looked like in April 2009 after my 2nd laparoscopy and some weird reaction/infection.

Speaking of not normal, this cyst has got to be bigger. My nausea continues to increase. The stabbing pains are coming more frequently. Daym you endo. I say NO! You will not defeat me!

I'm ready for my next cycle to start so we can hopefully (finally) get this FET show on the road. I feel like it's our grand finale...and I'm ready to know how it turns out!

Infertility 101: Get the facts!

I got this list from www.resolve.org :

Infertility 101: Get the facts

Myth: Infertility is a women's problem.

Fact: This is untrue. It surprises most people to learn that infertility is a female problem in 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up.

Myth: Everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

Fact: More than 7.3 million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. When you seek support, you will find that you are not alone. Join RESOLVE, a support group, or talk with others who are struggling to build a family, so that you won't feel isolated.

Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!

Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.

Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.

Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.

Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!

Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.

Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!

Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. But choosing how to build your family is a very personal decision. Learning about all the ways to build a family can open your eyes to options you may not have thought of as a possibility.  Education is key to finding resolution.  

Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!

Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.

Myth: My partner might leave me because of our infertility.

Fact: The majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis, learning in the process new ways of relating to each other, which deepens their relationship in years to follow.

Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!

Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.

Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.

Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.

Myth: I shouldn't take a month off from infertility treatment for any reason... I just know that this next month will be THE one!

Fact: It is important periodically to reassess your treatment and your parenting goal. Continuity in treatment is important, but sometimes a break can provide needed rest and renewal for the next steps.

Myth: I'll be labeled a 'trouble maker' if I ask too many questions.

Fact: The physician/patient team is important. You need to be informed about what treatments are available. What is right for one couple may not be right for another, either physically, financially, or emotionally. Don't be afraid to ask questions of your doctor.

A second opinion can be helpful. If needed, discuss this option with your physician.

Myth: I know I'll never be able to stop treatment until I have a pregnancy.

Fact: Pregnancy is not the only pathway to parenthood. You may begin to think more about parenthood than about pregnancy. You may long for your life to get back to normal. You may consider childfree living or begin to think of other ways to build a family.

Myth: I've lost interest in my job, hobbies, and my friends because of infertility. No one understands! My life will never be the same!

Fact: Infertility is a life crisis -- it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. You will move through this crisis. It is a process, and it may mean letting go of initial dreams. Throughout this process, stay informed about the wide range of options and connect with others facing similar experiences.

We are quite the topic of conversation

Or, so with my Reproductive Clinic it seems.  I got a random call from one of the nurses last week and she said that we were discussed at "conference" on Weds.  Conference is a gathering of minds in the respective field to go over "tricky" cases or to get mutiple opinions on courses of treatment.  I told her I felt quite special that we were presented.  LOL.  Mostly appreciative, really.  The discussion was on how to get my lining to thicken up, especially in the wake of my newest, short, weird cycles.  Verdict?  Prep as almost as if we were doing a full blown IVF, but, with just a transfer procedure at the end.  So, essentially, a few more drugs in the normal FET regimen.  I'll start out with BC (well, for me, Aygestin), then Lupron, Gonal F, etc, etc, etc.  I need to talk to my insurance company to see if I have any more drug allowance.  That'll really be the deal breaker for us.  We've already paid up front for a normal FET cycle.  With a few more ultrasound vists and more drugs....I just need to make sure that aspect is covered.  So, not sure when, or if, this plan will take place.  But, it's nice to feel thought of.

Okay, SERIOUSLY?

22 day cycle. WHAT is going on?!?!?! Last month it was 24...maybe. Now, 22?!?!? What happened to my 28-31 day cycles? 22 days?!?! That's not long enough for anything to happen! Last period was only 2 days too of flow. Not that I am complaining about that, but, it's VERY unusual for me.

Thoughts? Ponder with me...

I am going to call the RE tomorrow and see what they say.

Odds and Ends

I never read...ever. But, I finally picked up a copy of "Silent Sorority" (by Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos). Amazing! It isn't a light hearted, easy read. Nor does it have the "happy" ending that we, as infertiles, long for. I use happy in quotes only because I mean the "we got pregnant after all these years" type of ending, not as in she isn't happy in her life. She seems to be and I really liked how she shared all those transition points in her life. It's real and raw and I really appreciated the honesty. Although I am one of those still on the journey, I really was able to relate to a lot of things she wrote about and it really helped open my mind and my heart. Thank you Pam, for sharing, and for helping reiterating the importance of sharing my journey with others, especially those near to me and to help increase the understanding out there about this wild ride.

I think I mentioned this before, that I attended a local meeting a few weeks ago on infertility. I learned about it from talking to girl (gasp! haha!) in the waiting room at the RE's office. She learned about it through the RESOLVE website. Which, by the way is an awesome website. AND, speaking of RESOLVE, we are walking in this years "Walk of Hope" in Atlanta, GA to help raise awareness for infertility. I'm proud to be taking a part in this event, and even have enlisted some friends to come with us. It's very exciting and I cannot wait until September! If you would like to be a virtual walker with us, please sign up at http://www.resolve.org/get-involved/ready-set-walk.html. Our team name is (Infertility) "What they didn't teach you in sex-ed" (don't type in the part in the parenthesis..it's too long for the field).

Infertility Research

I've been attending some infertility support groups that I found on the RESOLVE website http://www.resolve.org/ and from our meeting I learned about the following research study I want to share with you. Please take a few minutes (I think it took me about 5 minutes to complete) and check this out!

Infertility Research Study

Be part of an important infertility research study!

Are you between 18 and 45 years of age?

Are you currently receiving treatment for infertility?

If you answered YES to these questions, you may be eligible to participate in a research study evaluating the impact of infertility treatment.

The purpose of this research study is to investigate the impact of infertility treatment on the emotional well-being of women.

Participants are being asked to complete a brief survey available online or in paper form. Your participation will benefit the areas of medicine and counseling as well as other women and couples experiencing infertility. If you would like to take the survey online just click on this link (http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/infertility). If you would prefer a paper copy please contact me. This study is being conducted by Heather Hanney, a doctoral candidate in the Counselor Education department of the University of Florida.

Please contact Heather Hanney at 561-318-8299 or hlh1@ufl.edu for further information.

Rewind?

Sometimes I wish there was a rewind button.  A year ago today was our transfer of two beautiful embryo's, one of which grew into a beautiful life inside of me for the next 18 weeks.  It's hard to believe that one year ago today I was pregnant.  Anxious and blissfully excited about the future.  I feel painfully empty today. Time does not heal all wounds.  We move forward in our journey together, but not without some scars that will never go away.  They may not be visible to those around us, but, they are our silent reminders of our son and the life we prepared for during those 4 1/2 months.

Pysche

Period started today.  I should go to the clinic and be like "Implantation THIS".  ;)  Not that I wasn't thinking it, because, hell...I've been TTC for YEARS.  Of course I grasp at any little straw out there.  But, don't further plant the idea into my brain!!!!

 

Here we go again.  The rain of pain has begun!  My periods haven't been too awful lately, but, I can feel them getting worse.  And by that I mean the 1-2 weeks leading up to my period are starting to become more noticeable.  Those deep pains I've had for about a week now...the nausea...the back pain...

 

Just keep on keeping on, and go with the flow (literally) for now.

What what?

So...2 weeks from this coming Tuesday I was at the RE's office getting measured and blood drawn for hormones for a hopeful natural FET. My lining was 6-something (they'd prefer 7+) and my progesterone was 1.6 (they'd prefer at least 2). Conditions not preferable-cycle scrapped. I HAD NOT YET OVULATED, there were a few follicles, but, none close to mature.

Fast forward to Friday (just a few days ago-8 days post my appointment). I started spotting. Weird spotting. Tuesday and Weds of that week I was hurting in the belly-so badly I was almost convinced my cyst was leaking fluid into my abdomen. THAT kind of pain.

This morning, instead of being worse, it's stopped completely, only present slightly when I wipe. Obviously this is WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY too early to be my period. WTH is going on?!?! This afternoon I'm having these weird, DEEP pelvic floor pains-almost feels like it's in the bone. PAINFUL.

If things weren't odd enough, now all this drama? I've peed on a stick. "Not Pregnant" per usual-RE's nurse suggested perhaps it could be implantation bleeding. Really?!? You say that to a hopeful patient?! I know they were trying to be optimistic, but, errrrrrrrrrr. She also agreed that it was way too early for ME to be having my period, and to keep them updated.

So, I'm waiting around, trying to figure out what's going on with this weirdo cycle! Thanks again to the silly cyst and the whacked out hormones?

Yep, this is one of those TMI blogs for those that didn't know ;)

This is why I share my story of infertility

This is why I am so open and honest about our struggles sometimes.  It's a lot for a couple to bear themselves.  Thank you to all of our friends, family and strangers who listen and let us do the things we need to do to carry on and move forward when at times it just seems impossible.

 

http://www.self.com/health/2010/08/breaking-the-silence-on-infertility

Time flies when you are "having fun"?

Wow. I just looked at my ticker. 8 months today. Wow. Wow. Wow. Has it really been 8 months? Seriously, where does time go?

I had the most real and sad dream last night/this AM. How fitting is that timing? I was 32-34 weeks pregnant. We were at some sort of function, and my water broke. I knew I needed to get to the hospital, but, my grandmother was there and she was taking FOREVER to get ready. For some reason in my head, I had to get there within the hour. Then, I woke up. And realized I was NOT pregnant. Then, the tears and pitted feeling in my stomach all day, in addition to my endo pain.

My grandmother taking forever-our wait in this journey to fertility?
Getting there within the hour-my growing impatience with this process?
My water breaking-my broken spirit as of late?

I miss you Wyatt.

How much is enough?

I honestly don't know how people can ride this train to fertility for so long. My steam is running out quickly. It's been a really rough week here. I get the news that maybe I should have a funeral for my right ovary soon...then news the a friend's daughter died. 17 years old. Things just aren't making sense anymore!!! So, needless to say it's been a week of very raw and roller coaster type emotions. Sadness for us. Sadness for friends. Sadness for the sadness around us!! :(

We've been trying for 3 years. Long, but, not nearly as long as a lot of couples I'm sure. How much is too much or enough?!?! When do you stop trying (and, by trying I mean thinking about it and actively trying every day that passes) and move on with your life? I'm tired and feel so beaten down. The tricky thing? I've been pregnant. It CAN happen. But, now I wonder, IF it ever happens again...for how long?!?! Long enough to have a baby, or, long enough to send me reeling into insanity? IF. IF. IF. The questions just keep getting more and more twisted the longer we travel down this road.

I think I am depressed. I miss my baby and yearn for the chance to be a mother here on this earth. But, am I missing out on the life around me and letting it pass me by? I don't know. And, I don't want it to! If there's nothing else that I've taken from this week, it's being reminded how precious and fragile life really is.

So, how do we NOT (actively) try? That's not a question I can ask someone that doesn't know the struggles of infertility. How does one that knows EVERYTHING about their cycle and timing NOT try for a few months? How does someone that wants a child so badly NOT try for just a little while. Just for a mental break? It's so much easier for my husband...he is blissfully ignorant of mucus signs, body temps and twinging ovaries. Just for one day, I wish I could be him!!! He wants a family just as badly as I do, but, for him SOMETIMES I think it's easier to keep moving forward.

So, maybe a break for a few months...if I can stand it? A month or two of "not trying"...which, for me maybe would mean not trying AS hard?!?!

Eff you Endo...EFF you

No go.  There is an endometrioma hanging off my right ovary, and, apparently I attempted to ovulate from that side this month.  It's presence is inhibiting the production of the hormones I need to plump up the lining and to get my progesterone anywhere near where it needs to be.  No mature follicles, lining too thin and progesterone too low. 

 

I hate this. 

Drumroll please...

Here we go.  Sorry it's kinda fuzzy.  That's a smiley face (ie, detected LH surge).  Appointment is tomorrow morning to assess my lining and progesterone.  I wish it was 6:30 AM already!!!  Drugs are ready just in case.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let this be the month!

Ahhhh, the waiting game continues

Still waiting for the smiley face on my monitor. I usually ovulate around day 16. Today is only day 13. La-de-dah. This is nerve wracking! I almost prefer the shots and ultrasounds (although, I won't complain because this is definitely cheaper!) because there is something to DO every day...not something to WAIT on everyday. I'm so nervous about my lining and progesterone levels and am just ready to see where those are. Not tomorrow I'm afraid. Another day...soon?!?

Get your pee pee on

LOL. That's the motto around our house right now. Tomorrow is Day10, and time to starting peeing on some sticks. I don't usually ovulate until days 14-16, so, the LH surge probably won't be until next week. We'll see! Hurdle #1 is fast approaching-gotta pass the lining and progesterone test!!!

Oh, and this time they prescribed a cream for the progesterone (for after LH surge)? Anyone have any experience with this goop?! Just wondering what to expect!

Shhhh...here we go

Today is Day 3-baseline US and BW. Natural FET. This may really be happening. Fingers crossed this body can do it's thing. That's hurdle #1. One.step.at.a.time.

Also, endometrioma update-there's one there as I suspected and it's about 2.6cm. I knew it, they just never really told me until today. I'm thankful it's not any bigger though and not causing many problems at the moment. It's the little things that fill my cup with joy.

Here's to hoping...

A weird day

I know I said I wasn't going to write, but, I guess the time has come to where I am feeling the need...

I had a really weird day today. I went in this AM for some monitoring at my RE's office. They were checking to see if my lining was nice and thick (they want it to be over 6 mm, today mine was 7.5, during my IVF it was 10) and checking on my progesterone. The results? "Perfect". Excuse me? Of COURSE it's perfect...because we aren't attempting anything treatment-wise. But, nonetheless, we have a pass for a natural FET cycle whenever we are ready. Still unsure of when that will be. That's where a good bit of the stress came from today. Sensibly, it seems we should wait until October. But, all you infertiles out there know how painful that many months can seem! It's even WORSE TTC'ing after a loss. Making the wait THAT much more painful. We'll see how it goes. However it happens, I need to learn to be at peace with the when. It's just hard since my mind is still wondering on the IF. Will they thaw properly?! With only two, some days it feels like the odds are against me. Maybe not though. I was deemed "perfect" today, cycle wise. Stranger things have happened!

The hardest part of the day was the room I was in was the room where we saw and heard Wyatt's heartbeat for the first time at 6 weeks. I remember laying there crying tears of joy to hear such a wonderful noise. Today I just laid there, emotionless and broken, looking at my empty uterus. Sucks!!!! So gut wrenching painful!!! We are coming up on 7 MONTHS this weekend. On Fathers Day. Word.

Oooops! And, hello for now.

I went to moderate the latest comments, and rejected them all accidentally when I was only trying to reject 2 of them. ;) Sorry about that y'all!!!

Deciding to post this evening. We've been on vacation and it was so nice to get away. It was only for 3 days, but, it was just what the Dr. ordered. I was a different person when I was away! Part of that person came back home with me, and, then the "new" old me crept back in. I still have my gut wrenching moments, but, most days are better. I am still jealous of pregnant people. I wish they wouldn't complain about silly little things or take things for granted so much. But, people could probably say that about anyone, pregnant or not.

One day at a time. One second. One moment.

Right now I'm in the midst of being "monitored" by my RE. I'm using ovulation predictor tests to detect a LH surge. I'm so damn tired of peeing on these sticks!!! I need that smiley face already!!! ;) Once detected, I'll start with blood work and ultrasounds to check out my uterine lining in an unmedicated cycle to see if we can proceed with a natural FET in the next few months. We are going to wait until after the summer and after we move into our new house (which will be done in early September). The waiting just may kill me...or, make me change my mind. But, that's kinda where we are right now.

I've been stalking blogs and noticed a lot of success stories going on out there. Very uplifting to see. Hopefully one day here will be a success story here as well!

My husband is the greatest

I was having a weird day today-it's the last day of my twenties and I've been missing Wyatt like crazy lately. It feels weird having this birthday without him. We had plans...and they included our newest addition to our family. An extremely handsome delivery man came to my work and brought me flowers and a balloon. And a hug! What a wonderful way to start out the week. I love you so much Wes. Thank you thank you!!!!

Blogging break

I haven't been on much lately because I've needed a blogging break. Me time. Trying to focus my life on the positives in this down time has been hard. Harping on my endo and infertility hadn't been really helping. So, during our move and while we wait on our new house, I've decided to be scarce.

I hate endo and infertility. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how different our life would be right now with Wyatt. I turn 30 in a little over a week. 30 isn't old, I know. Today, it just feels like it. Infertility has aged me.

I'm trying really hard to NOT think about getting pregnant every month. My blogging absence has helped some with that, and, another reason to take a breather.

I won't stop completely. I'll be around. Just need to find my old positivity and zest!!! I miss it. I will not let endo and infertility steal that from me.

All ramblings from a tiny cell phone keyboard. Hope you all are well!

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this
God I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!

~Author unknown

Roll with the punches?

Really? Cause I'm not sure how much more I can take.

FET canceled-lining isn't thick enough. Of course. I am just hovering around 6mm...which is technically enough, but, we need the best. Apparently during the fresh cycles my lining got around 10mm! So, on to another period-im stopping all meds today. What a waste.

Ill go back in June sometime for monitoring of a "normal" cycle or two to see where my lining gets naturally. If that doesn't do well and we can't try a natural FET cycle, the RE wants to try some other meds (stims I believe) to see if they help.

More of the waiting game. I am beyond frustrated and disappointed. I thought things were finally moving in the right direction!

What a way to end National Infertility week. Still infertile.

Could have been...

First of all, things seem to be okay with the GI issues. Waiting on the labwork for any definite celebration, but, things are moving foward with the cycle. :) Thanks for the comments!

Today, instead of making excited phone calls and rushing to the hospital, we are left picking up the pieces of our hearts and wondering what life what have been...could have been...right now. Today was my estimated due date with Wyatt. We wish we could be celebrating right now. To hold our son. To hear him cry, feel his warm, lively body. What we wouldn't give. We don't regret our time with him though and feel so blessed we were given the chance to hold him, to see him, to love him.

We miss Wyatt so much. My heart aches for him and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think or speak of him. We wish today, this week, this month could have been so different for us. We will always remember and love you Wyatt. Always. Thank you for touching our lives and letting us feel the love of a mother and father.

Love you baby boy!!!

What's a journey without a few bumps in the road?!?!

Right?!!? This is the story of our lives! This past weekend I had some GI issues and now I am possibly facing the situation of a canceled FET cycle if my labwork doesn't turn out okay. I'm not sure how long it'll be before I hear back. I am going to talk to the GI tomorrow when I go and ask that they put a stat request on it all. I am supposed to be transferred in 1 1/2 weeks. The sooner we know...the better!

So, here we go. Waiting to wait some more. Prayers please and fingers crossed! If there is something going on, obviously I'd like that taken care of now and things will just have to be delayed for the best. But, even more obvious, I'd love for it to be all a bunch of fuss for nothing!

What a week!

Just wanted to share

I heard something last night at our group counseling session that I really liked and really summed up how I've been feeling lately...and I wanted to share because I'm sure a lot of you out there would agree!

"I don't mean to rain on your parade, but, I'm not ready to march in it with you yet."

This pretty much sums up how I've been feeling lately with ALL the pregnancy announcements and birth announcements flying our way. Exactly how I feel. I am so happy for others, but, at the same time it's hard because I am not happy for us (being without Wyatt that is). This can be the same feeling without a loss too. I've felt this way for a while now actually, but, losing Wyatt definitely brings an extra sting to the equation.

9 days. That should be my "due date" countdown right now. 9 days. Wow. We've come a long way since that fateful day in November when my countdown stopped. But, still a long long way to go.

On with the show!

Life is CRAZY these days. But, hopefully crazy will be good! Our house is FINALLY under contract!!!!!!!!!!!! Although the timing is anything but perfect with the upcoming FET, we will make it work somehow. We will officially be homeless May 20th. HOOORAY! We are going to look at houses this weekend, but, we are pretty certain we want to build. Which, will put us out of house until August. Yes, we are insane. But, when is anything perfect timing?!?!? So, we have to shop for an apartment, house, storage unit, and be completely out in 6 weeks. This is all assuming the inspection will go well. And, well, I know I shouldn't assume. I'm hoping though. PLEASE hope with me! Oh yeah, and there is a FET transfer in there too. YIPES! Hope and pray for that one too!!!!

It's going to be a crazy month, but, it's been good to keep my mind busy. I start my shots tonight. I can hardly believe the time has come!

ON WITH THE SHOW!!!!!

It's finally here

April. I should be saying those words at 37/38 weeks pregnant and with much more excitement in my tone. But, well, we all know that things are very different. Instead of celebrating the births of our children with the 5 friends we have that are due this month...we mourn our loss all over again. We hope to more celebrate him, but, I know it will not be without tears.

Although, this isn't my child's birthdate. Just another "milestone" to overcome. The most painful one to date for sure.

I miss you Wyatt. With every stroller and new mommy glow I see, I ache for you. Every fat belly and cankle I spot, I yearn to be there, with you safely tucked inside. These things will not happen with you Wyatt, but, I miss you all that much more.

Hello April. I knew you'd be here...I just don't know that I'm ready!

Quack Attack!

I am part of a local online "mommies" group. I joined when I got pregnant to meet other moms in the area and to learn everything baby related in the area that I could! When we lost Wyatt, I was directed to a private chat board they have for infant loss/grief support. I post on these boards from time to time and the women I've "met" have been great to bounce off of with my grieving frustrations.

Today, we were quacked by the group! For the a local charity duck "race" coming up soon (for an organization that provides counseling to those who have lost babies, children or for children that have lost loved ones), the online group is having members donate to have other members "quacked" as you see below.

The ducks really made our day and was a wonderful thing to walk out to this AM!!! They are SO cute...little halo's and little white wings. The lone duck on the step is in honor of Wyatt. I get to keep him! In a few days our quackers will be gone and on to another unsuspecting Mommy! :)

Complementary Treatments

So, today I scheduled an appointment for acupuncture. I finally bit the bullet. I don't know what I'm so scared of. I've only heard wonderful things. The acupuncturist I spoke with today sounds great. My RE recommended him and it looks like he's done his homework.

Focus on regulating hormones with the kidney and liver? There was a bit of a language barrier, so, I think that's right but won't swear on it. Also going to work on relaxation. FABULOUS! Sounds like a good idea to me! So, relax me, un-nauseate me (unless it's nausea for a pregnancy, ha!), un-pain me, un-infertile me, and undo my rebellious uterus. I am down with all of this. Are my expectations too high? It can't hurt to try. Right?!?!

A year in review

March 20, 2009. My 2nd laparoscopy. Going in I was scared out of my mind-I had a urologist, GI surgeon and my RE on hand for the procedure. I woke up, and the first question on my mind was if I still had my colon fully in tact. I did, thankfully. Although it was (still is) adhered to the back of my uterus, it was too risky to my reproductive system to un-glue. Preservation of fertility was the name of the game. A new family was in sight. We had plans...dreams...ambitions!

After my scary skin reaction/infection (which still to this day bothers me) and a hysteroscopy in the books, it was time to move forward! Two "successful" IVF procedures-1 "chemical" pregnancy and 1 premature delivery later, here we are, March 20, 2010 with empty arms and a hole left in our hearts.

I feel stuck in time. Yet, it's moving quickly past. As we prepare for the next step in our journey to become parents, we can't help but to look beyond the immediate plans and wonder about life if things don't work out as we hope they do.

Same sh*t, different day...different year.

Tell me something good....

NO HYSTEROSCOPY NEEDED AT THIS TIME!!!

I've been a bad blogger

It's been a weird couple of weeks. Life has been busy. Busy is good though, right? Lots of up and down emotions lately, and, really just taking time out to deal with those. I've been a bad blogger with endo month, though, the topic is never far from my mind! I promise to make another attempt at spreading the word before the month is over!

I hope all my blogging friends are doing well! I've been trying to keep up with you all. Send some good wishes our way next week. I have an apt Tuesday for my repeat hydrosonogram to assess the need for a hysteroscopy. Good news through the tunnel though...as we are making plans for a FET in the very near future!!!

AND, I JUST saw this on Leno. I don't really care for him, but, this video is fabulous and I'm glad I had the station on. I am not a pregnant woman hater (really, I'm not, I think it's a beautiful and special thing and look forward one day to being there myself!), but, this just made me laugh with my recent whirlwind of emotions!!! I hope this doesn't offend anyone. Just a good release for those of us in limbo!

"Happy" Endometriosis Month!

Let's all spread the word about endo!!!

Oh, and, nothing kicks off Endometriosis month like the arrival AF. Lovely, huh?

3 months...really?

I can't believe it's been three months since we had to say goodbye to our beautiful son. In some ways, it definitely feels like it's been this long. We've come a long way from the minutes, hours and days since that fateful day. But, in other ways it feels just like yesterday. Certain situations, moments, seconds bring the emotions rolling back all in a devastating swoop. I feel that these are pretty healthy though in our process of grieving.

Things lately have been especially tricky, as the friends we have are approaching the birth's of their children. We, of course, are happy for all of them. Yet, so very sad for us. Baby showers, invites, big bellies...it's all too much sometimes. These moments always have me wondering what might have been. What could have been. I feel so empty sometimes.

Every day is a new day. We try hard to remember the blessings we have in our lives and to live each day to the fullest, no matter how heavy our hearts may be at times.

We miss him dearly though.

Endometriosis Awareness Month is coming soon!!!

And, don't forget your yellow shirts on March 1st!!!

Wearing yellow on March 1st shows support for endometriosis awareness, so you don't need to be an endo sufferer to get in on the fashion statement--loved ones of someone with endometriosis, or even just general supporters of increased awareness are welcome to participate!

My gorgeous nieces supporting the cause in 2009!

Our little snow angel

We are enjoying the beautiful falling snow (again) right now. This time is so much more beautiful and fluffy-not the icy mess we had before. We have at least 3 inches so far! What a wonderful surprise!

Wyatt is always on our minds. Just another way to remember our little angel!

Detour

My appointment yesterday went as I anticipated it to. There were some suspicious areas of my uterus that were detected during the hydrosonogram (very different from a HSG I should add; I'm allergic to that dye, this is just done via cath and uses water). Normally, in preparation for fertility intervention, my RE would schedule a hysteroscopy with such findings. Looking back through the past year, though, my RE decided that she wanted to try something else before resorting to a surgical procedure. Which, is fine by me.

The current plan is to begin Aygestin at the beginning of the next cycle to help thin the endometrium. The theory is that the suspicious areas could very well just be thickened endometrium...so, let's try this and see. I will have a repeat hydrosonogram about a month from now. We'll see how it goes! I'm hoping for the best because I am so not ready for another surgery...no matter how minor it may seem.

Oh, but, my ovaries looked "okay". I think there is something small hanging around on the right, but, better than usual which is exciting. We didn't even really discuss them at all!

I'm still spotting. Today is Day 13 and I still have spotting when I wipe. The RE did ask if I've had any abnormal bleeding after she saw the hydrosonogram. I'd say yes. Ugh. Another reason she is suspecting something is amiss.

FET will be sometime in APRIL/MAY now. A little bummed we can't have it done sooner, but, that's just the way the ball bounces. In the meantime, we are planning a mini-vacation to get away. We NEED to get AWAY!!!!!

Weird Weekend

It's been a really strange weekend. Very much full of ups and downs. I feel stuck in a rut. Stuck in a TTC rut I guess? Our lives revolve around trying to have a baby...and at the moment still dealing with varying issues about our angel baby son. I don't know how to relax. How to just "go with the flow". Having a baby is all I think about. Obsessive. And, since Wyatt, it's different too. The normal "woe is me" TTC feelings are coupled with anger. So, those negative pregnancy tests are even a bigger blow than they used to be.

Lots of thinking about our upcoming FET. "When is the right time". Really, is there a "right time"?!? Sure, you have to be emotionally ready. But, is that even 100% possible? I can answer that with certainty...NO. For us, waiting the process out would be more grueling than just giving it a go. Waiting 3, 6, 9 months from now isn't going to make a difference on how we are going to feel if this doesn't work out. But, waiting that long surely will draw out the anxieties. If it's not going to work out, I'd rather find out sooner than later. To us, waiting would be the most emotionally taxing of the options.

So, then, couple all these conflicts with the fact that we don't want to feel like we are trying to forget our son. We aren't. We just need to move along with our lives. But, some days that concept is easier than others to grasp.

This weekend was so strange. I need some new clothes...badly. I used to LOVE shopping. Yesterday was terrible. Because of my new body, most of my staples just aren't cutting it anymore. I've lost about 5 pounds so far, which is great, but, nothing is going to change my new shape. My hips spread with the pregnancy. That is definitely something I can do nothing about. But, it drives me insane to go shopping. I want new clothes, but, then I'm on the fence about spending good money on something because I want to be pregnant soon. I know I just need to go with the now, but, it's so hard. Then, I feel bad because I go back to knowing at this point in time, I should be shopping for more maternity clothes to clothe my ever changing belly. It's hard...so hard. I just had to give up yesterday. It was just too much.

I feel like we are constantly living our lives on the uncertain future. I want to live for today...I do. But, easier said than done. When that 2 WW starts, everything seems to be put on hold; from our new exercise routine (which I slack off on during the 2 WW "just in case"), to watching what I eat and drink and do on a daily basis. During that wait, I am constantly doing things "just in case". And, of course it would be totally worth it if that "just in case" became fact. But, it usually doesn't and you go back to square one when the rain of pain comes down. A cyclical rut.

Speaking of cyclical my period was very much interesting. I can tell I'm having issues similar to "back in the day". In particular my GI symptoms are definitely flaring back up. The heartburn, the pain, the nausea. And, now, the diarrhea and possible bleeding "there" associated with my period (hoping it's just hemorrhoids?!?! Yes, TMI, I know). So, trying to stay in tuned with my body and definitely going to be having a conversation with the RE about the latest. The colon stuff bothers me...a lot. The only reason it wasn't re-sected at my last lap was for fertility reasons. They were not sure that they could successful resect and remove my colon from my uterus without causing a lot of damage. So, yeah, the colon symptoms REALLY bother me to think about.

Tuesday AM is my hydro sonogram. Which, may or may not bring it's own interesting twists to the story. Please keep your fingers crossed! I'm very anxious to have this done.

A question for my bloggers who have suffered a losses

How exactly does one answer the "So, do you have children" question? I'm not much for bringing down the mood of the room. But, at the same time, I feel immense guilt denying my son and just shaking my head "No". So, what's better? Living with the guilt or making someone feel bad? Now, if the question just went on and on and on and on, then, I would probably say something to stop the madness. But, I just don't know what to do when someone asks me this. It's only happened once since we lost Wyatt, but, I know it will come up again...

Enjoying the snow

And now, enjoying my heating pad and ibuprofen. Finally, the rain of pain started and I can move on to the next step!

Hubby and I with our puffy, just woke up faces enjoying the dusting of snow we got! :)

Truth be told

I'm 3 days late now. So, this AM I peed on a pretty expensive stick. To no surprise, a big fat negative (BFN). All the while trying to hold myself together to not vomit. EVERY MORNING and mid afternoon for the past two weeks I've been having these waves of nausea. So, thanks endo. I appreciate the pregnancy type symptoms. That's just AWESOME...let me tell you. All the while causing painful ovary twitches and occasional cramping.

I should have known better.

Still waiting. I thought I started spotting this AM, but, it was just a trick apparently.

It's supposed to snow/sleet/ice a good bit here tonight. Would be a perfect weekend to bundle up with my heating pad and bottle of ibuprofen...I'm ready.

Emotionally, I'm ready!!!

And, anxiously looking ahead to next week (maybe?!?!) for my hydrosonogram.

PLEASE stop tormenting me

Yes period, I am talking to you. I know you are looming. I've felt you coming the past two weeks. So, how about just show your ugly face and let's get this over with, mmmkay? I'm tired of wondering what rain of pain you have prepared for me.

Let's DANCE!

The Celebration

Here is a beautiful poem that I was given the other day and I wanted to share. Author unknown.

The Celebration

An Acorn fell from the tree,
Landed with a plop onto the ground and settled there,
Prepared to grow
A squirrel, storing food for winter,
Grabbing the acorn, with his paws,
Hastily scampered away to his nest.
A tree that almost was.

Snowflakes falling to the ground,
Gathering together upon the mountain
A blanket of white, prepared for Spring.
Parched earth, dry for lack of rain,
Awaits the rapidly melting snow,
And drinks heartily, consuming all.
A stream that almost was.

A pencil, paper with lines,
With notes partially filling the page;
Words written down, prepared for singing,
A tune, a psalm of praise
Floating inside an old saint's head;
Work calls to him, and time flies-
A hymn that almost was.

New life growing within;
Heart, limbs, and identity developing,
Legs and arms moving, prepared for living.
Happy parents, anticipating the future,
Their hearts and home making ready,
And God calls Home the little soul-
A child who almost was.

Someday, in the realms of Glory I shall celebrate-

I shall sit under the tree that almost was;
Beside the stream that almost was;
Sing the hymn that almost was
And hold in my arms the child who almost was.

Privacy Rights for Infertility Patients

There are some bills out there trying to be passed in MI that may very well have some unfortunate implications for those of us who suffer fertility nationwide. Please read this from Jeanne's blog for more on the topic.

Strange reminder

I try REALLY hard not to DWELL (difference in dwelling and it being a part of you) in the past. But, today I was reminded that I should be in my third trimester now. Thanks facebooker status updates. Wow. Seems so strange. I wish that was a milestone I was celebrating today instead of mourning.

We miss you Wyatt!

ICLW-crackberry style

So, the internet is down at the house (yes, my husband IS a computer guy-dont ask). So, I'm bringing this hello to you from my blackberry-so, excuse the typos!

My story-the skinny version!
April 2007-TTC

Diagnosed with Stage IV endo in Feb 2oo8 during exploratory lap

Lupron for endo treatment March-June 2008

Recurrent endometrioma on right ovary found on US for fertility work up
-Dec2008

Femara cycles, Dec 2008 and Jan 2009

Pain back-2nd lap March 2009 (main goal to preserve fertility)

Hysteroscopy-April 2009

IVF#1- April-May 2009: "Chemical pregnancy" (I HATE that term)

IVF#2-July-Aug 2009-BFP

We lost our son Wyatt at 18 weeks into the pregnancy due to PPROM and a large retroplacental hematoma. Saddest, yet most blessed day of our lives bc we got to meet our son and hold him, although his soul was already in a better place. We miss him everyday and will never forget our first born child!

Now-back with my beloved RE. Hydrosonogram to be scheduled within the next few weeks to check for scarring due to retained placenta after the delivery. FET is probably going to be Feb with our two embies in the freezer.

Yipes! That was a lot to type on this teeny keyboard! Thanks for visitng my blog! More detailed posts can be found under my blogs "history".

Oh, yes, hello there

Sorry I've been MIA...I really haven't been in the blogging/writing mood. Just wanted to type a quick update. The appointment with my RE went well. I love them. I do. She is going to consider running the tests, so, we'll see how that turns out. She wanted to get a few more pieces of information from the OB's office and to talk with the maternal and fetal med physicians. Waiting to hear back about that. It was great to talk with her and really go over everything. We had never really gotten into the "nitty gritty" details of losing Wyatt. We went from going to the OB's office for a pap to having to make very crucial decisions, then grieving and mourning. Just now are we in the right frame of mind to really begin piecing things together. As "together" as it will all get pieced that it.

Premature rupture of membranes was the ultimate cause of the loss of fluids. Why? Have no idea. The hematoma may or may not have played a role in them breaking. She's looking more into that for us as well. Apparently the hematoma was near my cervix...which didn't seem good from our conversation. But, she said that the hematoma didn't necessarily cause it. They'll never know really. Apparently, though, having my membranes prematurely break will put me at higher risk for future pregnancies. Fun...right?!?!

We talked about FET, Femara timed intercourse cycles, and, just trying on our own for a while. A full IVF cycle is out for us until next year if we choose or need to go that route. I will have another hydrosonogram in the next few weeks after my period. My RE is concerned about possible scarring from the retained placenta. She said it doesn't happen often, but, that she definitely wanted to check it all out. And also she wants to take a look at my ovaries. I'm very eager to have the scan done.

I've started having pains again. This time it's actually IN my uterus/cervical area. So, definitely eager to get that sonogram done! My ovary has been pretty painful too. Gotta love endo, right? Daym.

Okay, this was WAY longer than I had anticipated. More next week when I can feeling a bit more perky. :)

"Normal"...if there is such a thing

We finally got the call about the test results we've been waiting on from Wyatt's cord blood...only because I harassed the OB until they called to get them from the hospital ;) Whatever gets the job done, right?

Everything came back 100% normal-no chromosomal abnormalities. While this obviously has us very relieved, we are also left with so many questions unanswered. I would never in a million years want anything to be wrong with our beautiful Wyatt. But, I was kinda hoping it wasn't all on the fact that my body enjoys to revolt against me.

So, we are left with the theory of the hematoma. More specifically a "retroplacental" hematoma. Why it happened or never went away is anyone's guess. There are theories, but, nothing that is concrete. It ranges from " it's just one of those things" to my endometriosis and it's possible role in interfering with implantation. The uncertainty is enough to drive anyone insane.

The rest of the work week was okay. No major hiccups. I never stop thinking about Wyatt. The thoughts get easier though. The pain is still very there-deep in my gut. I know that gut-wrenching sorrow will never fully go away. I don't expect it to. I don't really want it to either. I heard something very wise this week about how someone coped with their loss-when the time comes that you need to grieve, immerse yourself in that moment and grieve so you can move on until the next moment arises. Try not to push these moments aside and really just let them take you over. It really does help-pretty much sums up how I've been coping and grieving. I just thought it was interesting put into words like that.

We have an appointment on Tuesday with the RE...to discuss what happened and what is next. We won't be doing much this year in the way of IVF procedures, except for maybe a FET (frozen embryo transfer). We have two beautiful frosties waiting on us. We have maxed out our insurance on fertility procedures. It really didn't take much. Really. Next year I can roll over to my insurance which will cover an additional $25K if needed. But, that's another year. It'll be interesting to say the least. I have to re-invest faith in my body and it's capabilities. Whatever they may be. We'll see how the apt goes. I'm glad to be going back to such an amazing team. I need that familiarity and compassion right now.

Thank you all for your continuing support!

Two days down

And, I'm still here to tell about it. As are those around me ;)

The first day back wasn't too bad. I was in tears before I even made it in the door. Only one person caused more to erupt, but, not by being dumb. Just with a simple hug. Mostly I was "avoided"; I guess it's really hard for people to know what to do or say? A co-worker emailed me today and said anytime I needed to talk or share pictures or whatever, that she was there...and that she was sorry she didn't say anything before then; she just wasn't sure what to say or not to say. It was a wonderful email and I very much appreciated her reaching out.

I just want people to acknowledge I had a baby and that Wyatt is and always will be a part of my life ("I'm sorry" would be sufficient). I don't want them to ignore it, or, me. We'll see how the rest of the week goes. Maybe they are giving me time to settle in.

I did have one of our pharmacists today ask me how the baby was, while pointing at my belly. Apparently he was out of the loop and unfortunately for him I was the one to break it to him. The sheer horror on his face was pretty unbearable. You could tell that he was just sick about having asked when I told him what happened. I was able to reassure him it was "okay" that he asked, and held the tears until I was able to be alone.

Lots of hurdles to overcome, but, I'm surviving out there. Not looking forward already to next week as I know I will HAVE to have some face to face time with a girl that is due the day after I was. A girl who REALLY likes to flaunt her pregnancy. I'm hoping she'll have the courtesy to tone it down some.

So, here I am. Thanks for thinking of me everyone!

Oh. Called my OB on Monday to see if the results from Wyatt's cord blood was back. No such luck. Seriously, it's been the 4-6 weeks. BRING IT. I'm getting really anxious and beginning to wonder if the hospital lost the blood. I would be absolutely SICK if that happened. My mom works in a lab and is theorizing that since it was all over the holidays that they are probably behind. I sure hope that is the case and we get everything back soon. I would really love to have the results when we go talk with the RE next week. So, keep your fingers crossed! I'm just ready to KNOW...whatever knowledge (or lack there of) that there is from the results.

Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work I go...

...and, I could just VOMIT thinking about it.

I'm VERY nervous about how the day will go tomorrow and throughout the week. I don't know what to expect. Everyone there knows I was pregnant...everyone. I was 18 weeks. Of COURSE people knew.

A lot of my co-workers have been fabulous during this time. Many brought food over to our house during the first three weeks after we lost Wyatt. They sent cards, flowers, and special gifts. But, even with as amazing as most of my co-workers are, there are always those few. Heck, even being amazing doesn't mean you won't say something stupid.

And, as much as I am afraid of people saying something stupid, I'm more afraid of people just completely ignoring what happened. I need recognition of Wyatt. He is my first born. My son. I don't want people just pretending he never existed and that I haven't just gone through something very traumatizing in my life. Most of the people my husband works with pretty much ignored everything and just pretended that life was honkey dorey. Yes, life goes on, but, that doesn't mean we want to pretend the past isn't our past.

So, here I am. Anxious as hell and wondering what these next 5 days will bring. I know I will survive. I know eventually it'll all feel "normal" again (a new normal). I can and will do this and carry on. But, just because I am carrying on from the outside, doesn't mean that the hurt isn't there on the inside.