Here we go?

This is a TMI blog. Just a FYI for those that didn't know.

I went to the bathroom today and notice a tinge of blood on the tissue. Uh oh...here we go. Could this be my period sneaking up?!? Okay, well, not really sneaking. I have been feeling it. Just wasn't sure when it would make it's arrival.

When I went to the OB the other day for my follow-up to the D&E/C, she noticed a "cyst" on my left ovary. Most likely a follicular cyst. Seriously, do NOT say cyst to a woman who is used to seeing an endometrioma on the other side. I really almost vomited on her. ANYWAY...it was looking about "that size" to be releasing and starting all the "fun" it brings. Don't even get me started on how much it SUCKED to look at the ultrasound pics SANS my wonderful baby boy. How much it SUCKED to be discussing how wonderful the lining of my uterus looked and how good that follicle size was. F*CK that follicle. I shouldn't even be discussing these things at this point. This is a an entirely separate post in itself...so, I'll stop.

At any rate, bracing myself for my period and all the pain (emotionally and physically) this will bring me. Kinda hoping it'd go ahead and come so I can deal with it this week while I'm still not at work. So I don't go crazy psycho beotch on some inocent co-worker. Guess that's why the OB insisted I stay out one more week. Definitely thankful for that.

Have I mentioned how much I hate this? I truly hate this. WHY am I "here" again so soon? I miss my Wyatt!

A Christmas greeeting

This is from the Christmas cards we sent out this year:

Dear Family and Friends,

God blessed our lives with a bundle of joy that we were eagerly expecting in April of 2010. Unfortunately, the plan for our lives was a little different than we anticipated. We met and said goodbye to our beautiful son, Wyatt Landry, on November 20^th, 2009, at just 18 weeks in our pregnancy.

Through this difficult time, we have realized how blessed we really are. Christmas seems the most appropriate time to share these blessings and thank everyone for the amazing amount of support we have received. Your prayers, caring words, love, and kindness have truly changed our lives. We have even been touched by strangers, those reaching out to share their experiences and spread their love. In such a dark time in our hearts, it has been one of the most beautiful as well.

We hope that during this holiday season, and always, you are touched by the beautiful blessings in life. We remember and honor those who are no longer with us, and cherish those who are.

Wishing you peace, love, and joy
this Holiday Season.

ICLW-I'm back

Welcome to my blog. Unfortunately, you've got me at a rather strange time in my life. A little over 4 weeks ago I was 18 weeks pregnant, and, blissfully happy. Today my son is in heaven, looking down on his mommy and daddy. And, his mommy and daddy are hurting and wondering why.

I'm 29 and have Stage IV endometriosis. I've always had painful periods, but, was on birth control from early on in my teens to regulate my periods and pain. In April of 2007 I came off BC in hopes we could have a baby. My troubles "began" in October of that year. By Feb., my pain and GI symptoms were so severe, I had a "exploratory" laparoscopy. Since that surgery I've been treated with Lupron and Aygestin, gone through several cycles of Femera for fertility assistance, had a second laparoscopy (in March 2009), hysteroscopy (April 2009) and two cycles of IVF (April/May and July/Aug). It's been a busy busy time.

Both of our IVF cycles were successful. The first was deemed a "chemical pregnancy". I'm not a huge fan of that term. On August 12th, we found out that our 2nd cycle was also successful...and this time it stuck! Unfortunately, it was a rocky pregnancy that turned out with a very different outcome than we expected. I passed a large clot on Sept 13th, which turned out to be from a "moderate" sized subchorionic hematoma. We were told to remain cautiously optimistic, and, they really couldn't tell us how things would turn out. I was released to an OB and was also seen by a perinatologist. I continued to bleed on and off during the pregnancy. When we did see the perinatologist, he was optimistic because the hematoma looked "old". No one really made it all seem like a big deal. I was pretty much taking it easy the whole time. Not a lot of exercise and activity. Just chilling.

I had another scary bleeding episode on November 12th that would change our lives forever. I bled a lot that day. I was told by the OB that saw me that day that it was all from a polyp and to take it easy. I did. The bleeding seemed to ease. I went back in the next week because a test they ran got messed up and they wanted to do it again-that test botch-up was obviously meant to be. It was meant to be that I went to the OB on November 19th. The day they noticed that there was NO fluid remaining around the baby. None. The day I learned that my baby would be going to heaven and never spend a second here with us on this earth. The day I learned I would need to be induced. One of the worst days of my life. You can read more about these days in some of the blog posts below if you are interested. So many feelings, I cannot even begin to summarize them all here.

Christmas day will be 5 weeks out. The pain is so fresh and so real. Some days I walk around in a daze. Other days I seem okay. I know life goes on. I just hate that it is going on without our son in it. There are so many things that were "supposed" to be; so many hopes and dreams. Now, we just feel a little lost.

Today was supposed to be filled with eager anticipation

I just realized that today was the day that we were supposed to be at the high risk OB office for our anatomy scan and cervical check. I had taken 1/2 the day off for this appointment. Today we should be getting the awesome scan of his heart and brain and parts that we had too early. Today was the day we were supposed to get the results of the gender tucked neatly away in an envelope or box to open next week at Christmas together as a family. Today was supposed to be another new day of possibilities. Instead, today is filled with more heartache.

One word

Blah.

I've been feeling pretty good physically. But, sometimes I just feel so low and blah. Night is soooooooooooo bad. I guess because I am not keeping my mind as busy as during the day? I loathe night time now and the darkness it brings. And, I can't sleep well. My mind just races. The anxiety meds I am on doesn't seem to be helping much with that. Though, it does seem to be helping with the overwhelming anxiety I was experiencing. I'm not sure I want to add any sleeping meds to the mix. Any suggestions on a natural remedy? I write now to clear my mind...in hopes that I can get some rest!

I'm scared of the return of my endo. I am naively hoping that the pregnancy hormones helped a good bit in there and things will take a while to return full force. These thoughts and thoughts of when we will be able to try again (and, if/when we'll want to) dance instead of sugarplums in my head. Too much to think about.

When I do sleep...I mostly have nightmares, involving some sort of tragedy. Not good times at all.

Blah. Indeed.

3 Weeks

And the countdown continues. I just realized Christmas DAY will be 5 weeks since we lost our son. So strange to think if he had made it just to Christmas, this might be a different life we are living. Who knows though. You can't drive yourself insane with the what if's. It doesn't change anything. I really try to desperately push those thoughts out of my mind. I can't, however, stop imagining how things would have been with our sweet angel here on earth with us.

Sleep still continues to elude me some. My husband and I were both up very late last night/early this morning. No sleep+anxiety does not make for a pleasant Allison. I am going to try to nap here in a bit. Might as well get it where I can!

We have an apt set up with the RE. We aren't ready to make any decisions right now, but, just wanted to sit down and talk with her about what our options might be next year. And, to start keeping tabs on this endometrioma. I'm very down thinking about our "options". We have maxed out on the fertility coverage with our insurance; and I can't switch to mine until 2011 because the "Open Enrollment" period is over for both my company and my husbands. So, no coverage for 2010 on fertility treatments. I don't know where this will put us. We do have two beauties in the freezer. I know FET's can be considerably cheaper, so, we will most likely look into this if needed. I guess we'll need to sit down with the financial counselor as well and start to crunch numbers.

So, just want to stay ahead of the game and go ahead and talk with my RE. I also want to see about some testing on this loss. My OB said it wasn't necessary because there wasn't a "demise" of the baby per-se. My water broke, that's why there wasn't any fluid, and that's why Wyatt didn't make it (even though it hasn't been determined WHY it all happened and what was up with my ever growing hematoma despite the constant bleeding). It wasn't as if we went in with everything had been honkey dorey the rest of the pregnancy and then all of a sudden there was no heartbeat. Apparently that is a different story? That and this was my "first" loss (my other was a "chemical"-I hate that term). They usually do these tests after two losses. Um, I'm sorry, a 2nd trimester loss is a big deal. The statistics on losing your baby in the 2nd trimester and after is SOOOOOOOO very low. So, why isn't this a bigger deal? Anyway, I believe that my RE will agree with me...and, if not, I may like her explanation better. All I am asking for is a blood test!!! We'll see.

We miss you Wyatt. Thank you for touching our hearts and our lives.

Big green monster

Hello envy. I wish you'd go away now. I'm done with you. I've never liked you. We've never been friends. I usually stay very far away from you. Yet, here you are, creeping into my thoughts.

My food for thought this evening:

• Why do I personally know 4 people that are having babies within 1-2 weeks of Wyatt's "due date"? That's 4 friends that will all have children right around what age Wyatt should have been. A haunting reminder every time I see those children?!?!
• Why is everyone having BOYS?!?!? The 4 people mentioned above and many other bloggers (also due around when I was). Would it make me feel better if it were girls?

I am not this person. Envy, it's time for you to go. I cannot live my life like this for sure!!! Just hoping you are a temporary fixture in the cycle of healing.

Fa-la-la-la-laaaaa, la-la-la-laaaaaa

Here's our attempt at being festive ;)

Wyatt has several ornaments on the tree, which makes us smile
(and obviously sad as well)

I am not really in the mood to be festive, but, at the same time...it's who I am. I'm ALWAYS the festive one. We broke down and bought this small tree. I'm so glad we did. We got to hang some ornaments we got in Wyatt's memory from friends (including some of my blogging friends!). They are our most cherished right now for sure!

We also got some new furniture delivered today. We found it several months ago but decided to hold off because of all the things we knew we needed for the baby. Well, since our loss, we decided why NOT! We got a good deal the day after Thanksgiving and they delivered it today. I call it my consolation "prize".

Sleep is still a funny thing, but, last night I finally got a good portion of it! I got some anti-anxiety meds from the OB the other day and it definitely helped. I've taken these meds before a few years back. So, we'll see how they work. Still going from doing okay one second to bawling the next. Gotta love these hormones!

One last note. Don't try to go get a "sassy" new 'do when you are depressed. Cause, no matter what it really looks like, you'll inevitably hate it ;) I'm trying to embrace it...but, it's just not what I was expecting! Oh well.

Sleep is not my friend; C&P from my other blog

Here is a post I wrote last night:

So strange going from being pregnant and SO EXHAUSTED one day...to completely restless and sleepless the next (without the "up all night with the baby" reason). I don't think I've been to bed before 12AM since the day we found out we were going to lose our baby. Here I am, at 11:30 just typing away. Hoping to clear my head and get some rest. Weston is actually asleep before me tonight; which normally would be an unusual occurrence. I cannot shut off my mind. It wanders. Sometimes wandering is okay, but, not this type of wandering. The "what if", "why", anger, hurt, peace, blessings and the roller coaster of emotions that fill my day swirl around in my head. It's quite dizzy-ing!

Now, I don't walk around aimless and hopeless all day long. We are trying to get back into life. It's too short. I don't want to miss it! But, we have our moments.; and each day brings on new challenges. Mine mostly seem to be at night recently. That's when the hurt comes...when my brain won't shut off and rest. It is continuously thinking about Wyatt. The moments we had. The moments we wish we would have had. I wonder what color eyes he would have had? What color would his hair have been? Would it have been curly and full like his father's? How it would feel to hold him just a little longer? How would it feel to still be pregnant? What if we can't have any more?

I sat staring at the Christmas tree we broke down and bought tonight. I want to be festive. That's who I am!!! I know Wyatt would want that too. But, it's so hard. Christmas was supposed to bring so many wonderful things this year, including the end to the surprise about what we were expecting. Weston wanted to have the OB's office seal the ultrasound pictures and write down what our beautiful bundle was. We were going to open it Christmas day with our families and celebrate together. Looking at the tree kinda hurts. It just reminds me of the milestones we won't be reaching with this pregnancy.

I also find myself remember the "bad" parts of the delivery day. I was so scared. Angry, scared and hurt. I try to look back and be thankful for the whole experience. I was so proud when he was delivered. I looked up at Weston and said "I did it. I really did it". I was so proud to be a mommy and to see my son. I want to remember all the beautiful things that happened that day. My mom and grandmother were there and they got to hold him. Weston and I had our private time with him. Weston baptized him. We kissed him. I rocked him. All those beautiful things I want to remember and never forget! Without that delivery, we would have never met him.

Tonight I write these things to clear my heart and mind so maybe I can find some rest. My whole body needs this rest. I need to heal, emotionally as well as physically. I need you sleep! Please oh please be my friend. At least for a few hours at a time? That's all I'm asking. Just enough to get this body back in gear and my heart back on track.

2 weeks

I wonder at what point you get to where you aren't constantly counting backwards to such a sad day. I wonder when Friday will be exciting again.

Doing okay today. I'm just now starting to feel sore inside (physically). I haven't been feeling well since the procedure, but, I was on some medication to clamp down my uterus and it just made me feel so gross. My last dose was early this morning, thank goodness. Still feeling the effects from it though. Just hoping it's doing it's thing. I'm also on some antibiotics that my stomach aren't a fan of. Gotta remember to eat when I take those! I tried to tidy up a little today and realized already I've done too much. So, trying to chill again.

Today and yesterday my hubby went back to work. The feelings of loneliness are sinking in. Just part of the process, I know. Just trying to take it one day at a time. Some moments are easier than others. Last night I was so upset with my body..."Why am I so sore" and wondering if I'll ever feel as good as I did when I was pregnant; frustrated with the thoughts of feeling like crap all the time again. Yes, I was constantly nauseated and my back was pretty sore...but hell, I'll take those symptoms ANY DAY over constantly feeling my ovaries and dreading every body "movements" because they are so painful. It was a blissfully happy and healthy pregnancy, aside from the obvious bleeding. I don't know if it was because I had something else to concentrate on and work towards (something outside of my self)...but it was the most most amazing 18 weeks of my life and I miss it.

I really have a new appreciation for the phrase, one day at a time.

D&E

I actually had a D&E today. Sounds the same, right? Pretty much the same in what they needed to do today. They used a vacum to get out the extra tissue and did some light scraping of the wall of the uterus.

I'm home now. Feeling quite nauseated when I try to eat. So, just sticking to liquids mostly tonight and crackers.

Thanks for all of the thoughts and prayers. Hoping this will be the beginning of all the healing!

Thought for the day

We r here now about to go in. Have to be here 2 hours before. Ugh. Last time I was here (august 1st), they created a life, my son Wyatt, inside of me via IVF. Today they are cleaning the remaining tissue from that pregnancy from me. Sucks.

I hate all of this.

D&C

My D&C is scheduled for tomorrow at 12:30. The meds didn't expel enough of the tissue. Please send more prayers this way. I'm a little nervous. I know it's a pretty simple procedure. But, really, shouldn't ALL of this have been a little easier?

What a beautiful day...to expel some tissue?!?

I have to administer some meds tonight to try to expel some extra tissue (ie placenta). If it doesn't work I'm having a D&C tomorrow or Weds.

Will this nightmare ever end?!?

We opted to try the meds first because I am ever so tired of having surgery. I've had 4 surgical procedures thus far, since March: 1 laparoscopy, 1 hysteroscopy, 2 IVF egg retrievals. The surgery might be "easier", but, I don't want to risk the scar tissue.

This med has about a 60% efectiveness. You all know how I feel about statistics these days. I'm always the minority 1-2% it seems lately.

Oh, more good news? I have a "small" endometrioma on my right ovary. Bastard. Pap came back negative though. My silver lining of the day-no cancer.

The OBs office was really emotional. I hated being there.

Keep your fingers crossed. We are waiting on a stat CBC to see how my hemoglobin is (checking for anemia). If that's okay, we've got the clear to admin the meds this evening.

Slightly freaking out here. And definitely mentally exhausted! I just want my Wyatt back. All of this and no baby?

Ouch!

Physically, I feel awful. I am having terrible GI issues (incredibly painful gas-TMI, sorry) and esophageal problems. Perhaps from stress? Awfully familiar to a time when my endo was at it's worst. My abdomen is also terribly tender. So, OB issues or endo?!? I am going to the OBGYN tomorrow for a follow-up to my ER visit the other night. I've still been bleeding very strangely. But, perhaps this is my body's "norm". I'm hoping so...I don't need anything else going on. But, I passed 4 grape sized clots (golf ball is the alarming size apparently) and today didn't bleed much until a little while ago. It's almost as if these blood clots form...hang out for a bit then come out in droves, along with the blood. Not sure if that is normal. I know that clots are-it's the body's way of repairing where the placenta came away from the uterus. But, not sure if this is how it normally goes?

I've got a slew of questions ready for the OB. Including a request for more testing. If Wes and I plan on trying for another baby (which I assume one day I'll be ready for), then I'd like to check out everything before we head down that road. Not only is all of this emotionally investing....but financially as well. We can't go through this again for it to end the same if it's something that can possibly be prevented. I already have infertility issues (can't make them or keep them!); we just need to make sure we are equipped with whatever we can if there is something that can be done to prevent a similar thing in the future.

Tomorrow my family is heading back home and we will be alone for the first time since all of this happened. I know it'll be good for us to have this time together, but, I'm also very scared. Moving on to another phase of grief...

The pain is still so fresh

It's been a week now since the process to give birth to our son began. Tonight at 8:45 will be exactly one week since we met our son. My gut is wrenching. My heart is heavy. I miss our Wyatt. I don't understand why we had to say goodbye so early.

Yesterday was particularly difficult. We are so thankful for so many things in our lives. Yet, I felt so thankless yesterday and angry. I know Wyatt is in a better place now, but, I am selfish and I want him back. I need him back! How can I be thankful that the life I was preparing inside of me is gone? I am obviously thankful for the chance to have had time with our son-to hold him, love him, hug him, kiss him. I'm just not thankful we had to let him go.

Last night was another stab in the gut...literally. I started cramping very badly yesterday afternoon. By 7:30/8 PM the blood started just "pouring". This was alarming for us because fortunately (or unfortunately) I had not bled much, if any up until that point. After I soaked a pad I called the OB's office and they wanted me to head to the ER for an ultrasound.

We got there a little before 11 and left at 3. Such a long and agonizing process. I hate ER's! They drew blood, did a pelvic exam then an ultrasound. The PA extracted a large clot that he said had tissue on it...which obviously made me very nervous. The ultrasound looked okay though in that there wasn't any remaining placenta. So, maybe my body is just slow and didn't decide to bleed until last night? Who knows. I guess I'm just a bleeder. I got a prescription for some pain meds (thank goodness because I am not feeling better today either) and we headed home.

So, I am obviously thankful that everything is okay. Yet, still so empty and in pain. This pain I should not be feeling now.

We miss you Wyatt. We love you.

Care package

Please see the newest button on my right sidebar for "Tears for my baby". My husband and I received a wonderful care package today from Yaya. I cannot believe the support we have received from "strangers" (although, I feel like I know a lot of my blogging buddies). Thank you so much Yaya for the wonderful gift and for reaching out! The picture above was part of the package as well. We just love it!

If you, or someone you know has suffered a pregnancy loss, infant loss, or adoption loss and needs uplifting during this tragic time, please visit the site and contact Yaya.

In loving memory of Wyatt

The prayer service was SO amazing today! Father Toole and Deacon King led the service. Rita from the bereavement ministry at church put it all together for us; I am so thankful that we didn't have to worry about arranging everything. The church and it's ministries have been such a blessing for us during this time. I am so thankful for everything everyone from there has done for us. Strangers-reaching out their hearts to help the peace in ours. Touching.

I don't even know how to begin to describe the service. There were three readings. Weston's brother Nathan did one of them for us. We weren't prepared to see if family wanted to do the readings; so Rita did another and a dear blessing Megan (from the Elizabeth ministry who came to the hospital with Wyatt's beautiful gown) did the other. There was no music but the silence was actually quite lovely and gave us time to say some prayers and just have our hearts be still and be with God and with Wyatt.

Father Toole gave an amazing sermon-it was so personal. He is such a wonderful speaker. We are so thankful that he was there today. He spoke about Wyatt being in peace with God; and that through this tragedy that Weston and I should really go back to our vows to one another for comfort. "In sickness and in health" and the promises we made to one another to be there for each other and to lift each other up everyday. We are so blessed to have each other to lean on through all of this, in addition to all of our family and friends. Wyatt is with God and in heaven; and we are comforted to know he is at peace in his new home. He is not suffering. He is looking down on us and Father Toole said Wyatt is proud of his parents for being there for one another. He also spoke of how special it was for Weston to have baptized Wyatt after his birth in the hospital. Something we will always be able to hold closely to our hearts, especially for Weston as something between father and son.

At the end of the service, Weston and I sprinkled holy water over Wyatt's ashes. We walked together with his ashes and Weston placed them under the tabernacle for now to be close to Jesus.

Father Toole echoed the words we already knew-that we will always be parents. And Wyatt will always be our son. I will always be a mother. Weston will always be a father. We love that and will cherish it forever. As much as we wish he was here with us, we are glad that he is not suffering in any way. We would love nothing more than to have Wyatt still in my tummy growing and developing. But, we know that he is in a wonderful place. The same peace that we saw on our son's beautiful face we are trying desperately to feel in our hearts. We know that time will help bring that peace. For now we are holding on to our memories and the beautiful words that were spoken today in memory and honor of our son, Wyatt Landry.

On the small pedestal right in the front is where our son's ashes were during the service

This was the beautiful arrangement that my coworkers sent that was at the service

We took the flowers and rearranged them
The initialed angels are from some good friends Megan and Jonathan

This is just creul..and other ramblings...

Seriously? Am I REALLY going to lactate? It's hard enough to have these empty arms. Now I'm going to have nourishment pouring from my body with no son to benefit from it? My breasts are huge and knotted right now. I spoke with my OB about this earlier today and know what to do to "help". But, I don't think that anything with "help" emotionally with this new tiding. Tiding? Yeah, sorry...I don't really know WHAT to call it.

Seriously. That is just cruel. I need a break. I'm tired-physically and emotionally. I may seem strong sometimes, but I'm not. Writing helps me. It does. Thank you for listening to my rambling and for allowing me to share my world with you. If I couldn't share Wyatt...I'm not sure WHERE I would be right now. I have kept his pictures private, but, his other memories I cannot keep tucked away. It would not be fair for him. It would not be fair for us. So, again, thank you for letting me ramble and talk about all of this as I journey through it.

I've had a lot of comments from other women who have been through loss and also similar situations. Thank you so much for reaching out. It means a lot. It really means a lot that ALL OF YOU have reached out like you have. It's so amazing to feel so loved...even by people I do not know. Thank you.

I couldn't do this without my family, friends, and ALL of you amazing commentors (is this not a word? I'm just tired I guess!). God Bless you all!

A few things we have to remember...

My last belly shot on 11-19-2009

Flowers from family and friends and our memory box from the hospital

Wyatt's beautiful footprints

Gown and bonnet brought to us from the church

He was so perfect

This is a copy from our other blog:

Little Wyatt Landry was perfect. He had my nose and the rest of him looked like Weston. His skin was traumatized from birth. You could still see through some of it. His eyes were fused shut. He had the most beautiful fingers and toes-complete with the tiniest toenails and fingernails you've ever seen. You could see the peace on his face. We needed to see that. He was the most peaceful angel we've ever seen or imagined to see. He never took a breath in this world. He was born breach and the whole process took about 8 1/2 hours after they started the induction. I did end up having to push quite a bit since he was breach. I was so terrified. Weston was there to hold my hand and we had two wonderful nurses there helping me.

We had some beautiful gowns (they brought one for a boy and a girl since we didn't know until he as born) that were brought to us from the church that were made from donated wedding dresses. It came with a beautifully crocheted blanket as well-I slept with it last night. The girl that brought them is part of a ministry at church-she had to deliver her two babies at 20 weeks and knows loss all too well.

They dressed him for us after they cleaned him and we spent almost three beautiful hours with him. It was absolutely the worst day of our lives...and the most amazing at the same time. We got to hold him. Weston baptized him. It was awesome. They had a camera and we were able to get a few pictures for our memory box. They took little prints of his feet too. He was never weighed or measured. According to my corresponding weeks, he was about 7 ounces and about 5 1/2 inches long. It was the hardest thing imaginable when it was time for him to leave our arms. The funeral home came and he was cremated sometime this morning.

It was even harder leaving the hospital today with empty arms. When you are pregnant and expecting a child, you have so many plans for your life as a family together. You have dreams of your nursery; the toys and joys of those first years of your lives together. I imagined it was a boy; a wonderfully loving playmate for Weston. I imagined the leggos and transformers we could play with; and the computer and video games he and his daddy would play together. We had to leave the hospital today without that dream. There should have been a carseat in the back. There should have been cries from his little lungs. A joyful noise that we will never hear from his lips.

We are having a small, private prayer service on Tuesday to remember his short, beautiful life.

This is the hardest thing we've ever done or dealt with in our lives. All the physical pain in the world could never begin to describe our hurt and sorrow. We know time will heal. We have been through so much in these past three years of marriage. If you ask me, it's a little more than one couple should bear. 2 1/2 years of infertility. Two successful IVF cycles-both ending with loss. I'm not sure why we are being put through such hurt and sorrow. I'm not sure how two people are supposed to keep on keeping on after so much. But, we will. We have, and we will.

For now, we are going in to a safe, dark hole and grieve together. God Bless all of our friends and family and even the strangers out there who have sent their amazing support and love. We cannot do this without you. Please allow us time to cry, to talk about our loving angel, and just help to offer a shoulder for us to cry on. If we don't call or email you back, we still appreciate your calls and for reaching out to us. Please continue to pray for us and for our angel. We need the peace in our hearts to carry on in this world without our son.

Heaven is blessed tonight

Wyatt Landry Dyer was born at 8:45 PM (eST). we love our sweet angel boy. the most precious angel heaven has seen! We were with him about 3 hours and we said goodbye. He was so perfect and we are so glad for the chance to have met him.

God bless you all for your words of comfort and stregth. Its been so amazing to see so many good people out there.

Hold your loved ones tight tonight!

Thoughts and prayers are needed

We found out today that at some point between last week and this week I've lost all my amniotic fluid around the baby. It happened some time when I was bleeding and we just didn't know. Tomorrow I will deliver my 18 week old baby via induction and we will say goodbye. Please pray for us during this time as we are going through this process and this loss.

Thankful

Can one be THANKFUL for endometriosis? Well, maybe not the disease itself, but, maybe the experiences that I have encountered because of it? I am not normally a "calm" person. I'm a worrier by nature...always have been. I think because of the things I've gone through in the past few years, I've gotten a little better with my worry! And, I think I am more grateful for the things that one SHOULD be grateful for, but, that most may take for granted sometimes. I'm not perfect, by ANY means. I still have "woe is me" moments, but, I have those personal experiences to reflect on and realize it's not so bad.

We had another fright this week when I started bleeding like crazy (soaked through two pads in 45 minutes before we got to the OB's office) and cramping. Everything turned out to be "okay". Seems I have a growth in my cervix that is the culprit. They did a pap and we are currently waiting on the results of that. If that comes back abnormal, I'll have to have a biopsy done to remove the growth and send it off to path. If the bleeding doesn't stop soon, they'll have to cauterize the area. In the meantime I'm in "take it easy" mode as to not irritate the area further. While I am definitely concerned by all of this, I've mainted this odd sense of calmness that I can only attribute to having gone through so many "unknowns" in the past with my endo. The baby is fine and completely oblivious to the chaos that surrounds it.

So, while I am NOT thankful for endometriosis, I am thankful for my strength and attitude that has come from my past experiences. As the time of being "thankful" approaches, what is one thing you are thankful for in your life?

Sorry I'm so out of touch!

It's been insanely hectic around here these days. Between the house being on the market, work just exploding lately and our normal, regular, crazy lives...I've hardly had any computer time. I try to keep up on my blackberry, but, a lot of times it's hard to comment from there.

Thanks for all the comments on my last post! Things are going well here it seems. Endo pain has been pretty minimal thus far in my pregnancy, which pleases me greatly. I have VERY strong pulling feelings a lot when I sit for long periods of time that cause me to catch my breath. And, similar pains in my ribs that my endo would cause. But, all in all, very minimal and I can't complain. I try not to anyway :) I am being followed by a high risk OB in addition to my regular OB. Because of the hematoma and my endometriosis history, I am considered "higher risk" for pre-term labor. I'm glad to be watched over so carefully though, it's reassuring!

I'm hoping to catch up this week/weekend on everything and everyone. I'm going to try anyway!!!

In sickness and in health...

This week marks our 3rd wedding anniversary. I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful partner in my life. He's my rock. I could have never made it through all I have without him. His my support. "In sickness and in health...". I never knew that this phrase would be such a huge part of our lives so early on in our marriage. ~1 year into the marriage began my wild ride with endometriosis. He was there with me through every pain, every ER visit, every scan, every surgery. Together we walk hand and hand into this journey of life and our lives have been tested a lot these past three years. He remains my rock and my love as we begin this new journey of parenthood together. I really am blessed to have such a wonderful husband. I love him.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I didn't realize it until I started reading some blogs, but, today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is observed with Remembrance Ceremonies and candle lighting Vigils which coincides with an International Wave of Light with participants lighting candles on October 15 at 7:00 p.m. around the world to honor and remember our children.

Please light a candle this evening for your loses, your friends loses, a strangers loss.

We'll be lighting one this evening (I won't be home at 7 but I promise to do this when I get home!) for our loss earlier this year, and, for those out there remembering their losses today and pray for peace.

Endometriosis and Pregnancy

I've been meaning to write, but, things have been a little crazy around here. For some reason, even with all the lying around I do...I haven't been on the computer much. I'm still on restrictions and being watched very carefully by my OBGYN. I've had an ultrasound on a very frequent basis lately, and have had another crazy episode of bleeding. Things seems to be calming down, or so I hope. I've been feeling pretty crappy this past weekend, but, remaining optimistic about everything. I've come too far NOT to.

My intentions have been to do some more extensive research on endometriosis and pregnancy. This is one of the recent articles I've come across, and, I wanted to share. This was released back on July 1st:

Women with endometriosis need special care during pregnancy to avoid risk of premature birth

Big "bad" world of IVF?

I'm sure you have all heard about the latest IVF story
(Click Here).

So, there is a debate that seems to be going on concerning this headline, and, I wanted to see what you all thought. A chat board that I visit often started the "debate" about this publicity being another "bad rap" for IVF. I'm not sure I agree.

DO you feel the embryo switch up/mix up is 100% bad for IVF?
Do you feel the family who was implanted should have kept quiet from the media?
Do you think that nothing good will come from this – i.e. possibly more stringent regulations, etc?

MY OPINION:
Gotta love the media AND the public. The media isn't going to publish fluffy, "normal" news such as "Couple conceives with IVF". That's not "news" for the rest of the world. UNLESS there is a sad story or something involving some sort of tragedy. And, can't completely blame the media. The public wouldn't want to read about something that "normal" happening. You don’t hear that millions of people go through IVF with no problems. That news just doesn't sell. So, of COURSE this is going to be a huge story. It's sad, it's tragic. It's just what America thrives on. it sells. PERIOD.


Why should the couple keep quiet? It would come out at some point anyway (litigation). Besides, why do they need to hide? People need to hear this story. Sh*t happens...this could happen to ANYONE. I can't say that the thought never crossed our minds during our IVF process...because it did! These are HUMAN BEINGS that are responsible for all that you are going through; left to human error. Again, I'm not saying it's OKAY for error, but, it happens. So, for this to be BAD publicity for IVF...I just don't know. I mean, people have surgery all the time and materials get left behind in them. People still have surgery-many times voluntarily. It's just how life goes sometimes and you just keep on keeping on?

As far as regulations go...what's wrong sometimes with more regulations?!?! Hell, I want these Dr's and clinic staff regulated! Hopefully it won't affect insurance more than that is already affected.

And, as tragic and sorrowful as it is, I am trying to focus on the silver lining. This family made the decision to carry this life to term (they've known the whole time). They chose life and they chose to give this life back to the parents that it belongs to-to give that couple the chance they've been waiting for! In the end, it's a beautiful tragedy. I cannot imagine what either couple is going through. But, I'm thankful for wonderful people out there willing to sacrifice in the face of such a tragedy and for such a beautiful thing to become of it.

What do you think? I'm not opposed to differing opinions. I find it interesting different takes on this manner. And, maybe I'm just naive!!!

Thank you

Thank you as always for your support. I love this blog and all of you! I'm starting to feel better (knock on wood). My cold seems to be on the mend, finally. Voice is still a little raspy with a lingering cough. But, the truck that hit me finally left. My husband got sick too...well, he started out sick first but has gotten the cough as well. He has been able to take expectorant though, so, hopefully his isn't nestling in.

Everything went well with the OBGYN today and the baby and everything looks good. We still have a long way to go, but, today was a good day.

Update: Bronchitis

I have finally started feeling a little better today, but, this cough is just hanging around. I went to the MD today and she said although it wasn't full blown, that I had a touch of bronchitis or the beginnings of it. I'm hoping it's on it's way OUT! I knew they wouldn't be able to give me any relief, but, I just needed to make sure it wasn't embedding in my lungs. So, it kinda is, but, not fully. I think that seems to be good news? My fever broke this AM, so, that was a relief for me as well. Dr.'s orders are Tylenol as needed, FLUIDS, FLUIDS, FLUIDS...which I have been pushing as much as possible, and REST (which is kinda hard to get when you are running to pee every 20 minutes from all the fluids and coughing the rest of the time). She wants me to stay home through Monday. This has completely trashed my PTO. Not that I had much to begin with. But, I need to rest and take care of me and "Little D", as my husband's brother is calling the baby.

Hopefully we'll get to see the baby again on Monday at my OBGYN's appointment (and hopefully all this mess will be GONE!). I'm pretty nervous about it. I started spotting again some today. I think it's to be expected with the blood clot, or at least I hope it is. Can't fret. Just need to rest and take care.

Another prayer request for Melissa who is expecting her baby on Saturday. As a fellow infertility and endometriosis sister, she has had quite the time with this pregnancy. See Jeanne's post for more.

Thinking about you Melissa!!!!

What a hell of a week

Now I have a wicked cold, all of a sudden! My husband has been feeling a little congested and this AM I wake up with a cough! Throughout the day it's gotten worse and worse. Not good timing for sure. I'm monitoring my temperature and will stay home tomorrow to rest. All this coughing is really bothering my midsection as well! I'm trying to stay hydrated and eat good, healthy foods. I feel miserable and must admit I'm a little scared.

Please say some prayers for my blogging friend Eileen. We are IVF "twins" and I am mourning her loss today. I couldn't believe her blog when I read it. She is a fellow infertility sister and we should all send her some loving words.

Brief update

I can't type a lot on the crackberry. Baby is fine-measuring a little ahead actually. HB was great. There is, however, a rather large blood clot sitting behind the sac. I'm taking it easy today and will blog more later. Thank you, as always, for your wonderful comments! We aren't out of the woods yet, but, we are thankful for todays results with the little one.

Anyone know WHY these happen? I was in too much relief to even ask!

More later.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Continued from earlier:

So, basically she told me to go home and rest today. No exercise and other restrictions until at least I see the OB next week. "Take it easy". I've been feeling like crap the past two days...before this event even surfaced. I guess it was my body telling me something is up.

I don't know much about this blood clot. She didn't give me any clinical terminology (but, it does sound like this suchronic hematoma that people have written to me about) regarding the clot, but, she did say that my paperwork would be coded as a threatened miscarriage. She said anytime bleeding is involved they use this diagnosis code so that if I do need another scan, my insurance can't give anyone crap. She told me this so I wouldn't be startled if I saw it on any of my papers. She said for now that everything is looking good and to just try to relax; that she can't predict the future, but, as of now the baby looks fine.

So, I'm trying to do that. And not be a google freak. Dr. google is maddening sometimes!!! I hate the unknown, but, I just need to trust my body and my Dr. for the time being and just take things one day at a time.

Is there anything connecting my endo with this? How does this happen?

These are things that are on my mind now, aside from the temporary relief from the ultrasound.

I know I said I wouldn't post...

But, I'm slightly freaking out and I don't need my real world people knowing. I just passed a gigantic clot (l1/2 the size of my fist) that was bright red; and now I'm bleeding. Please say some prayers our way. I spoke with my Dr. (thank goodness she was on call) and I have an apt at 9 AM tomorrow. I know there is nothing they or we can do. So, I'm trying to be as relaxed as possible and "normal".

Where is this blog headed?

I've been thinking a lot lately about where I want this blog to "go".

Endometriosis is a part of me. It always will be. You always hear that pregnancy will make the endo "go away". I know with my extent of disease, I will never be endo free. Maybe it will help with symptoms, maybe it won't. But, no matter what, my life has been forever impacted by this disease.

I plan to continue to focus this blog on endometriosis, endo-related issues and awareness. I want to be sensitive to my readers as I am well aware of the emotional pain and frustration that go along with endometriosis and infertility from my own firsthand experience.

I realize that some readers, especially those struggling with infertility and miscarriage, may not wish to see frequent updates regarding pregnancy. Therefore, I am making such updates on my other blog at http://charlottedays.blogspot.com. If you wish to follow along on my pregnancy journey, please look for updates there.

There may be mention on here from time to time. That can't be helped. This is a part of my life now too. But, I will keep it to a minimum! I'd like to research more on pregnancy AND endometriosis and endometriosis AFTER pregnancy, so, I'll probably be making some posts on that. And, if I find that the endo is affecting my pregnancy, I may post that here as well as I feel that this kind of information would be helpful for present and future endo sufferers.

I appreciate your continued support. Posts may be few and far between at times as our house is now FOR SALE (whoa!) and other obvious changes going on. But, I'm here! Don't forget me! ;)

PS: Why does blogspot always want to fix "endometriosis"?!?! Random!!!

Formal introductions

Here's our BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm 7 weeks and due on April 23rd! We are measuring perfectly so far. Not much to see, just a little jellybean right now. But we SAW and HEARD the heartbeat this morning (HB=145!), and it was the most overwhelming awesome feeling ever. I didn't think I'd cry, but I did! A lot! I almost missed hearing the heartbeat because I was sniffling and trying to keep myself composed.

I just love the clinic we were at-everyone gave us hugs and I am just so high on life right now. I hugged my Dr...I just want to hug EVERYONE right now!!!

So, HOOOOOORAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

And, yes, for now they see just one ;) They thought they saw another sac and my hubby almost passed out, but, they are almost certain there's just one little jellybean in there for us. My mom is still holding on hope for two. She is so ready to be a grandmother!!!

So elated. Still a few more weeks to go to get out of the first trimester, but, we are cleared for exercise, "intimacy", etc. Wow. This finally feels so real!

Thank you for all of the support!

Since I can't concentrate on much else...

4 days and counting until my ultrasound!!!

Just checking in

The house has been keeping us really busy! We are hoping to have it on the market by next weekend. If this jellybean is going to continue to thrive and develop (which we hope and pray it does), we are planning to only try until about Jan. Then we'll throw in the hat so I can do all the exciting expectant mother things that you do to your home when you are waiting on your little one :) The realtor hopes to have it sold in less than two months. Here's to hoping!

Been feeling okay this way. I've been having pains around my ovaries. It hasn't been one sided, so, I haven't been too worried about it. I assume it's my endo not loving being squished. I've been tired and kinda blech (sometimes nauseated, not knowing what to eat, etc); but, still happy and bubbly!!! Stupid sciatica is upset too...again, I suspect endo!

A little concerned about how everything works with a pregnancy and endo, but, just going with the flow for now. I assume if it wasn't safe to get pregnant, my Dr. wouldn't have let us gone through IVF. So, trying to chill about the "What" questions (What happens when my uterus starts expanding and it's attached to my colon, what happens to my left ovary that is glued down to the expanding uterus, etc, etc, etc).

Thanks for all of the comments!!! We are officially 1 week away from the ultrasound. I couldn't be more excited and ready for a day to get here!!! We can't wait to see our little jellybean. I think it'll feel more real for us then and help to ease our minds a little!!!

Welcome ICLW!

Hello everyone! Here's a "quick" recap of where I've been and how far I've come:

We've been TTC since April 2007.

I was diagnosed with stage IV endometriosis in Feb 2008 after months of unexplained pain and illness. After my first laparoscopy, I started Lupron therapy and continued for 4 months. I started experiencing some unpleasant side effects (neurological) and decided to call it quits.

It didn't seem to help anyway, because by Dec of 2008 I was right back where I started and had another endometrioma. We tried a few cycles of femara, but, had to have another Lap in March of 2009. My tubes were found to be very inflammed, among all my other problems, so, we were advised to go ahead and try IVF.

I had a hysteroscopy in April 2009 to remove some polyps and in Apr/May we had our first round of IVF...which ended in a chemical pregnancy.

We decided to try again in July and on August 12th had another BFP followed by a blessed rising Beta 2 days later. I'm now 5 weeks pregnant waiting on an ultrasound with my RE on Sept. 4th. Just saying some prayers that this is the miracle we've been waiting for!

I'm still here!

I've just smothering in boxes right now. My husband and I are trying to put our house on the market by the beginning of Sept. I'm pooped just looking at everything! Don't worry, I'm not working too hard. Getting plenty of rest, or trying to. My back has been not so nice to me, so, even if I wanted to go all crazy on the house, I couldn't.

I've been feeling pretty good. I've had some on and off pain on my right side...around my ovary. I suspect this is from that free fluid that was around it before the transfer, but, definitely keeping my eye on it. And, the nausea is come and go. After I stopped the progesterone shots it seemed to get better, but, today it was like a brick of ICK hit me in the face at work and I was left wondering in 2 split seconds whether I could make it to the bathroom or not.

Whether nausea from pregnancy or endo (cause, I'm experience with the later), these are a miracle...truly! I don't chew them though, just suck on them. If it weren't for that today, I'm not sure what would have happened!

So, I'm wondering for all the endo mom's out there...how did your endo "behave" during pregnancy?!? Wondering how my left ovary is going to fare adhered to my uterus, or the adhesions that still have my uterus stuck to my colon. I hear it gets a little better, but, I'm a skeptic.

Hope all is well out there in blog land. I better go get lost in my boxes again. This should, at least, help the next few weeks fly by!!!!

Drumroll please...

2nd beta doubled perfectly!!! Today it was 344. I'm done with the shots-my progesterone was plenty high. :) my next apt is in 3 weeks for a 7 week ultrasound! 3 weeks?!? No apts?!? It's a strange strange feeling. ;) still being cautious in our excitement, but, anyway you cut it I'm pregnant and so unbelievably grateful!

More later. The BB is not condusive for lots of typing. Haha!

Thank you!

Thank you everyone for the blog award the other day. I'm sorry that I haven't gotten a chance to repost it. I've been having some computer issues and blogging mainly from my blackberry lately. Which, obviously doesn't support that type of function ;) So, again, thank you! I truly enjoy connecting and reading all your blogs. It's so wonderful to not feel alone in all these trials and tribulations, even though it sucks that other people are suffering with endo and infertility too. But, I'm glad we are all here to support each other!!!!

Anxiously waiting on my 2nd Beta tomorrow. I've still been feeling nauseated and icky, so, on that end I'm feeling good about what the results will be. But, you never really know. Still cautiously approaching each "milestone" ahead. Thank you all for your support!

I have a secret-

Beta=170

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those that don't know betas, anything above 5 is considered positive! :) Cautiously excited here!!! Much better than the 49 I had last time. So, things are looking better!!! But, now the waiting game continues. 2nd beta is on Friday. Pray with me for rising/doubling betas!!!

I'm pregnant!!!

Food for thought (mmm food!)

A pretty good friend tonight announced her pregnancy. And, although I am excited, of course I am a little envious (dang you envy!). But, as hard as it was for me to hear, can you imagine how hard it was for her to tell me?!? Being the friend of an infertile must be pretty hard sometimes too!!! She's been trying to tell me for a few weeks now, and, she never could get around to it. I hate that. I don't want to be some bitter lady that can't take the wonderful news of the friends around her. That's not why she couldn't get around to it, I just don't want to be perceived in that manner. You know?

For me, it's not a "Why her"; it's just the "Why not me" part. I am not mad, hurt, angry. How can I be?!? It's a beautiful blessing and I truly am elated for my friend and her husband. I had just never thought about the flip side...about having to tell an infertile friend about your upcoming pregnancy. It's bittersweet, I'm sure.

I hope that I can be making wondrous announcements soon as well. Oh, how I really am longing to pee on that stick under the cabinet. I will remain strong. It will only drive me more batty if I know either way. For now, I'll just pretend my constipation, sore boobs, slight nausea and cravings are those of a pregnant woman.

BRING IT!

8DP3DT

Trying to post an award that I've gotten from several blogs, but, having some technical difficulties. I'll have hubby check it out when I get home...

I don't think Weds could feel further away. I'm so ready to have this first Beta done!!! I've still been feeling ill. Trying not to read too much into it. Could be endo; could be pregnancy; could be I just feel like crap a lot? ;) Hopefully not the later. I've been extremely tired too. PIO or the real deal? We'll just have to wait. I'm trying very hard not the POAS. I dunno why. I just don't want it to be negative. I've seen far too many of those!!!

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

3 more days and counting!

Dear Embies-

We love you and pray for you daily. We hope you are doing well and settling in nicely. I promise I will take good care of you and be the best mother I can. I just know W will make an amazing father. We are ready to take this next step into parenthood, and, hope that you are ready too! More letters to come as we hopefully journey these next 9 months together.

Love,
Me

Thinking a lot about those embies in there today. I've been so ill the past two nights. Tonight I barely wanted to eat. Gotta love the PIO shots and their effects, eh? I so very badly want them to be more than that. I was never sick last time. I'm hoping that the lovely folks I work with didn't bring me their stomach bugs since they decided it best to come to work than stay home. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE!

And, we wait some more. 6 more days...today we are 5dp3dt...

If we don't laugh

We'd cry. Here's me icing my rumpus for my last of the dual shots tonight (PIO and HCG...now just PIO). Go ahead, laugh, we all need it. Thank my hubby for the cell shot of this amazing moment.

The embryo's that freeze together...

Stay together! Yeah, that was lame. Sorry, I'm EXHASUTED. Work was hellacious today. Of all the times for things to start getting crazy there. ::sigh:: What can you do?

ANYWAY, our little embryo MADE IT to the deep freeze! We don't get a lot of eggs, but, man do we make some quality embryo's. I hope. Quality enough to make it to a blastocyte and freeze! ;) Quality enough to flourish into a healthy baby? Let's hope so!!!!

Very good news today. I needed that!!!!

I'm so tired of the IM shots. Yeowzers. My bottom must not have healed completely from the last round. I feel like I've done kickboxing or something. That and just POOPED. Gotta love the PIO. Hey, I'll take it if it translates into pregnancy symptoms...k?


Thanks everyone for the kind words. Is it NEXT Weds yet?!?!?

More of the waiting game

Yesterday was our transfer for this 2nd IVF cycle. It was just as beautiful as the first. My husband even got to go and take a peek at our embies in their incubator before the transfer, which was really special to him. As we peered carefully on the ultrasound screen, as they transferred the embies into their mommy, it was like a starburst came over the screen. Truly an amazing experience.

Today I am technically pregnant. There are fertilized eggs inside me, hopefully nestling in nicely and finding a nice, cozy home for the next 9-ish months. My first Beta will be Weds, August 12th. Again, it feels like EONS away. We are cautiously excited and anticipating the next few weeks.

We are waiting until tomorrow to see if the remaining embryo made it to the freezer, to give their brother or sister already there some company.

Here are our beauties. I think they look like me ;)

Fertilization report

I've been on pins and needles this AM waiting on my call. Here's the report:

5 eggs retrieved
All 5 ICSI'd (fertilized by injecting in sperm since I had so few eggs)
1 didn't fertilize
1 didn't divide
3 embryo's dividing nicely and waiting!

Pray they make it to Saturday at 9 am! Unless there are quality issues, we'll have 2 transferred and 1 to hope to make it to the freezer. That'll give us 2 eggs in the freezer we can use for a frozen transfer one day if needed. Hopefully we won't need them right away!

Drowsy report

They got 5 out. My right ovary is worthless. Keep your fingers crossed for us! We'll find out tomorrow the fertilization report. Its nice and overcast/rainy today perfect for sleeping away anesthesia and cramps! Nite nite!

Houston, we have lift off!!!

I just got done injecting my 2 ovidrel shots. So, here we go! My ER (egg retrieval) will be Weds at 8 AM. EARLY day. I'm nervous and ready to have it done. From my bloodwork, everything looks good. I don't have really high numbers with my follicle count, but, I'm going quality over quantity. Chant it with me! I don't necessarily like the idea of having that many eggs sitting around in a freezer anyway, so, it's just meant to be. Just hoping that I get at least 2 good ones ready to go for this cycle! :)

I'm not sure if they are planning to drain my cyst/endometrioma while in there. I assume she will as she did last time. I'll find out Weds. Just rolling with the punches!

So, it'll probably be a 3 day transfer with the low count, just like last time. So, that'll be Sat. With an ER on Weds, my BETA will be WEds, August 12th. IF there are good eggs, which will turn into good embryo's.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Yes-lets call it what it is...kinda

"Fluid" around the right ovary. At least we aren't calling it a follicle anymore! Just waiting on bw now. Looks like I have 5 about where they need to be. Even 1 of those *may* be on the right!!! Looking at a Weds or Thurs retrieval, depending on bw today.

To be cont...

Slow but steady wins the race?

Well, not winning any races here, but, progress is good, right?!?! I had 4-5 measurable follies today-they are getting there! All on the left. The right, I fear, won't be much good again. Because of that "follicle". I still haven't asked about that...I keep forgetting! How do you forget that?

SPEAKING OF FORGETTING, guess who forgot a Lupron shot last night?!? ME!!!!! I fell asleep and completely forgot last night. I F-R-E-A-K-E-D out when I woke up this morning. You should have SEEN how quickly I got ready for my appointment. And, I got my hubby up and going too because I just knew if they had told me I f'd it up royally, he needed to be there for me. They were very reassuring and didn't make a big deal about it at all at the clinic. Which is what I needed. I've still been a bit on edge about it throughout the day, but, not much I can do but to trust their advice and just roll with it. I'm sure it's happened time and time before! I had taken my injection with me and took it at the clinic as soon as they said the word.

So, I'm still on the same schedule with my drugs until Monday, when I have my next apt. They *think* my retrieval will be sometime around Weds if I keep on this track. I am praying for beautiful, mature eggs behind these growing follies. I know my numbers won't be high again, which is a little disappointing. But, it only takes one...I keep telling myself that!!!

PS:

Has anyone experienced their skin getting "tougher" with repeated injections?! Or am I going crazy? And, I'm not talking the same specific spots. Just now, with my Lupron shot...it took a minute to get it in the skin. Not as effortless as it used to be. This has happened several times this cycle. I almost thought for a while the needles were dull. And, DAMN does it hurt when that happens. Okay, not like awful pain, but, OUCH.

That is all. Goodnite! :)

Stubborn puppies

And puppies=ovaries.

I don't know what my E2 was today. I missed the phone call, but the clinic left a message about my dosages. UP with the Gonal F again. So, Gonal F-225, Menopur-150, Lupron-5. From the US this AM I don't have ANY (well, see below for the exception) measurable follicles. WHAT is up? WAKE UP OVARIES! I have 6 under 10 mm on the right (not sure if they'll ever get bigger-that's the ovary that didn't work last time and I had about the same amount then too), and 8 under 10mm on the left. At this point last time, they were already assuring me the next Monday for retrieval. Ho-hum. Maybe they are just a little sleepy? I'm SLEEPY as all get out, speaking of which.

ANYWHO, the exception? A 19x19mm "follicle" on the right ovary. I think "follicle"=cyst/endometrioma. But, they said follicle this AM and I just planned on discussing it when they called today. Remember I said my right ovary appeared larger at baseline this time 'round? Yeah, it was apparently this "follicle". Why would I have a HUGE follicle on one ovary...before I even started stims?

I'm getting a little nervous. I'm on way more meds than last time, and am going WAY slower. But, I continue on and will adjust my medications accordingly. Hopefully Friday will find some good sized follies that will hopefully equal out to good quality eggs in my hopeful retrieval this cycle.

How long do they try to plump these follies up before bagging a cycle?

Is this thing on?!

My Gonal F pen that is. My E2 is 30 today. WTF. Last time on this day in the cycle it was 150. So, it leaves me to wonder, is the pen working? I'm going to closely examine it tonight. I've been jamming the needle in my skin. Has the drug been coming out?! I primed it and did everything I was supposed to do.
What else would explain a low E2 level right now? My cycle was so "perfect" last time, I just expected the same this go round. This will most likely delay my procedures some, right?

So, 150 each Gonal F and Menopur tonight. Yep, that two stingy vials of the Menopur. I assume I can draw both vials up in one needle, right? Gonna have to watch that video again!

Ughhhh. I'm a little disappointed, but, forging ahead.

Random

Just had to post these. Hot, right?! :)

Shots are going okay. Lots of bruising this time, which I don't understand. Am I not doing them right? I'm using my thigh again...just can't even imagine if I did them in my stomach and it was doing this. My poor tummy needs to enjoy it's relative peace at the moment! They've been a little more painful this time too. Maybe too much hesitation?

Baseline-check

Baseline apt seemed to go well. I didn't get a call, so, all is good to go tomorrow for the start of GonalF and the reduced dose of Lupron. From the ultrasound, I didn't see ANY mass on my right ovary! Hmmmm. They didn't say anything about it either. Woot! It was a good bit bigger than the other though. I don't know what the reason for that is. But, I'm wondering if this ovary will be productive!!! Looking forward to next week's first ultrasound on Weds (only bw on Mon) to see!

Short and sweet post from the blackberry. Getting ready for the week ahead and the multiple injections. I'm ready for the transfer already! ;)

It's all about supression

Well, here we are in the throws of IVF cycle#2. My last dose of Aygestin was Saturday evening. I was taking Aygestin for my endometriosis and to help ease into this cycle. I can't take birth control because I get migraines with aura's, so, this is how we start. Aygestin has been good to me since our last IVF cycle. I was in a good amount of pain from my period/miscarriage, and after I started taking the Aygestin the pain has been minimal to none. Being pain free is something unknown to me since my entire endo journey has begun. So, pain-free is a wonderful state!

Lupron is taken for a number of reasons. Being in the field of Oncology professionally, my first run in with Lupron was for the treatment of prostate cancer. Never had I thought of it in another manner until it was prescribed to me by my OBGYN after my first surgery and diagnosis of stage IV endometriosis. My opinion on it for the treatment of endometriosis isn't very high, but, that could be for a number of reasons. First, I didn't take it for it's full course (started having ocular migraines and decided to stop). Second, my endometriosis "came back" rather quickly once I was off. In my case, my second surgery was to remove an endometrioma that resurfaced only a few months off treatment. So, really, it was only a temporary "fix". The Dr.'s make you feel like the "fix" will be longer, so, I was pretty disappointed when I was back in surgery just months later after stopping. (NOTE, it is NOT a cure for endometriosis-don't let ANYONE tell you otherwise!)

So, when I heard of Lupron again for IVF, I was a little reluctant. It's in a MUCH smaller dose than in treatment, and it's side effects were minimal during my use for IVF. I'm still not 100% thrilled with having to take it because of everything that I experienced when using it to "treat" endometriosis, but, it seemed to work well the last cycle.

So, what does Lupron do in IVF?

Lupron Depot (leuprolide acetate for depot suspension) is a GnRH agonist - a hormone that works in two distinct phases. Phase one stimulates the ovaries causing them to produce more of the most potent of the three estrogens produced by women - estradiol. In phase two the messenger hormones that tell the ovaries to produce estrogen decline dramatically. This causes a significant reduction in estrogen levels, and results in the "pituitary suppression" phase.

Because of the initial surge in estrogen, it is usually given for a few weeks before starting the other fertility medications. This allows patients to “get past” the stimulation phase and into the suppression phase.

Pituitary suppression is important for recruitment of multiple follicles. By desensitizing the pituitary to signals from the brain, Lupron blocks the natural tendency of the brain to allow only one dominant follicle to grow in each cycle.

Tonight will be my 6th injection of Lupron this cycle. Seems today I have signs of spotting. This happened last cycle after I stopped the Aygestin as well, and, is considered "normal". I didn't have any particular side effects last cycle. This time I am having some local irritation at the injection site for about 30 minutes after injections. I've also noticed I'm bruising this time. So interesting how things differ from cycle to cycle. Hopefully the rest of the regimen will go well.

Sorry I've been MIA. It's been super busy in "normal everyday life" around here. I've been so pleased to go through some of my blogroll to find some of my fellow endo sufferers and infertility bloggers have found themselves with recent positive pregnancy tests and new adventures. Very exciting. It also seems I have new followers. I need to catch up!

My next apt is on Thursday and I am eager to see how things are going. Last time I had an endometrioma by my first ultrasound (it was luckily drained during my egg retrieval). I'm wondering if that right ovary will have another or, if it doesn't, will it be productive this time? So many unknowns ahead. Here we go!!!!

Last shotless night for a while...

So, Lu.pron shots start tomorrow! As do the oral antibiotics. I have been reassured by yet ANOTHER MD that the problems with my incisions are purely superficial (ie, only skin deep), so, here we go. And, I figured if after the antibiotics and before my baseline apt, if things aren't better or worse, we still have the opportunity to stop.

So, here's to enjoying one last night before I'm constantly watching the clock and planning the evening around my injections. It's all hopefully going to be worth it though!!! And, besides, having to anticipate the shots each night helps to keep the mind busy, unlike the wait after the transfer.

Here's to hoping and praying for a successful IVF cycle#2!!!!!!! Is it August 10th yet?!?!?!

How do they know it's the weekend?

My incisions...how do they know? Belly button is all gross again. No big blatant pustules this time, just some obvious leaking that has crusted over. The upper quadrant looks okay. Seems to be a little puffy around it, but, it seems it is TRYING it's best to close.

I haven't a clue what to do about the upcoming cycle. I have been reassured by several MD's that it'll be okay, it's all "superficial" (ie, skin deep). But, is it really? They don't really KNOW what it is, so, how can they say it? I know I've had physical exam after physical exam. There is no pain, heat, etc around any of the incisions. No obvious infection.

Why do I have to be so "special" sometimes?

Hope your weekends were good to you. We had a wonderful time with friends. hate for the week to come, but, looking forward to seeing some old friends this coming weekend! And, maybe looking forward to starting this new cycle. If I can reassure myself...

Happy 4th Everyone!

Hope everyone has a wonderful 4th of July! I'll probably will be back more next week when we start our new cycle. This week has been insanely busy, and, the weekend will be the same. Work has been nuts, and, I hardly feel like making more connection with a computer when I get home.

Of course the incision started flaring today (bellyb)...when the clinics are closed. Whatcha gonna do?

Nothing much to report

Just as I suspected, nothing much, clinically, going on with my incisions. Apparently this is my normal? She did a physical exam, which I was thankful for (at least I didn't just get the glance over). They are so kind at the office. She didn't make me feel stupid for coming in; she actually validated my concerns and listened. But, when it came down to it, there was nothing much to report. There wasn't anything palpable on the exam. These things I am thankful for (no signs of infection); everything seems to be skin deep. But, as to WHY I am at the recovery level of a patient 3 weeks post op at 3+months out-we don't know. Luck of the draw?

I was able to deduct a certain bathing suit to my recent flare-ups. It's a one-piece suit (to avoid the sun to that area), but, maybe it was too tight and trapped in moisture for too long? I have tankini's I can wear now to try. I kinda don't even want to be out in the heat!!!

The RE said not to put a THING on it...and just see how it goes for the next week or so. No steroids, no creams, no oils. Just mild soap and water to wash. She also said that a flare up after a steroid is not unusual-it's called rebound. So, maybe coming on and off steroids is rebounding? Doesn't explain the belly button. But, there was no pus to be seen-again, no infection.

So goes my days. Unexplained case study.

*****UPDATE*****

I cannot BELIEVE I forgot to tell my RE about these "bug bites" that I get around my incisions. It hasn't happened in a long while, until this recent flare up. Near my incisions sometimes I'll start having random, intense itching. When I inspect it, there is a mosquito bite looking thing near the incision bed. Like, the white raised skin you get just after you get bitten? That's what it looks like!!! Ugh. Anyway, I got it last night near my lower left incision...and tonight I had two in my belly button next to my incision there and one again near the lower left. W-T-F?!?! I feel SO stupid calling back about this, but, I need to. Seriously, so stupid. "Um, I forgot to tell you I get these bug bite looking bumps that come and go within an hour or two of surfacing. What is that about?". Ughhhhhh.

Apt with RE

I have an apt with the RE tomorrow. We'll see how it goes. My two troubled incisions have been on their best behavior today. Of course they are. So I look like the crazy patient with nothing that is obviously wrong with her. Is it wrong that I am wishing my belly button to pus up again for my apt tomorrow? Probably. I'll just have to stress their pattern and just tell them what I know to be true.

Word.

Itching in fun places and oozing...awesome

Awesome title, right?!?!?

Yeah, so, still itching. It's really mostly external...pretty sure it's not a yeast infection. I've been taking grapefruit seed extraction though to fight off any yeast. SOMETHING is going on. My belly button today had a wonderful surprise-a pustule full of puss (that may be an oxymoron), that eventually ruptured. Seriously. I had surgery MARCH 20th. I am beside myself. I don't know what to do! I got a 2nd opinion from another derm...they didn't have much different to say. Talked to the nurses at work and they thought a wound specialist was too much. So, I'm stuck. Going to call the derm tomorrow and let him know what's going on. Puss filled belly button (I hate this incision, it's got divots which allow stuff to get trapped...I kinda wish they could cut it back open and re-do the stitching!!!) and the left upper incision troubles. It was looking better, but, of course it's back to it's crazy ways again. It was completely closed and now I'm back to a scab which will soon be open, as is it's past pattern.

Next thing the derm wanted to try was an injection right into the incision (now incisions). Awesome. We'll see how it goes tomorrow. Ughhhhhhhh. I really really really wanted this taken care of before the next round of IVF. I'm not sure what to do now. I know I need to try to beat out this endometrioma, but, I want this taken care of. They told me before that it wasn't a big deal because it was external, but, with recent happenings, I feel that it is more than just skin deep.

I've been a bad blogger

I've been kinda taking a break from blogging lately. I just need a little break from my endo world before my next IVF cycle begins (as much of a break as I can get!). I probably won't be on much next week. I hope to try to stay connected with your blogs, but, unless there is something a rocking this way, I hope not to post much here.

Just a few updates:

So, there are some interesting connections I am making with my body, but, don't know what to do or who to try to get to help make sense. My incisions (my lower left this time) starting flaring up randomly one day this week. The NEXT DAY I started itching "down there". I don't know that it's a yeast infection, but, maybe a yeast response or something inflammatory? This HAS to be connected. The day after the itching started, my belly button incision flared up too!!!! Two incisions that seemed to be laying low, all of a sudden itchy and a little puffy?!?! I'm sorry, that's too coincidental for me!!! I went and got a supplement a friend told me about that is supposed to help with yeast type issues, so, I figured I'd try that for now. Crazy, right?!?!?

Also, I've been spotting ever since about a week from starting the Aygestin. It was pretty heavy at first, but, now it's just every now and then. I've never had this problem with Aygestin before. It's not so bad anymore, but, just more annoying.

My pain seems to be better on that right side. I don't know if when the bleeding was heavier it was that fluid draining off or not. I don't even know if that is possible. At any rate, it seems to be doing okay.

So, that's me in a nutshell. Hope everyone is well, and, sorry I've been so slack this ICLW!!!!!!! I'll try tonight :)