I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!

Monday, November 23, 2009

This is just creul..and other ramblings...

Seriously? Am I REALLY going to lactate? It's hard enough to have these empty arms. Now I'm going to have nourishment pouring from my body with no son to benefit from it? My breasts are huge and knotted right now. I spoke with my OB about this earlier today and know what to do to "help". But, I don't think that anything with "help" emotionally with this new tiding. Tiding? Yeah, sorry...I don't really know WHAT to call it.

Seriously. That is just cruel. I need a break. I'm tired-physically and emotionally. I may seem strong sometimes, but I'm not. Writing helps me. It does. Thank you for listening to my rambling and for allowing me to share my world with you. If I couldn't share Wyatt...I'm not sure WHERE I would be right now. I have kept his pictures private, but, his other memories I cannot keep tucked away. It would not be fair for him. It would not be fair for us. So, again, thank you for letting me ramble and talk about all of this as I journey through it.

I've had a lot of comments from other women who have been through loss and also similar situations. Thank you so much for reaching out. It means a lot. It really means a lot that ALL OF YOU have reached out like you have. It's so amazing to feel so loved...even by people I do not know. Thank you.

I couldn't do this without my family, friends, and ALL of you amazing commentors (is this not a word? I'm just tired I guess!). God Bless you all!


Sonja said...

*hugs* *hugs* *hugs*

Mrs Bee said...

I am just so so so sorry.

I'll be praying for you and your family.


Lauren, Daniel, James and baby Brendan. said...

You are right. You do deserve a break. I am so sorry you now have one more thing to worry about when you are grieving. I am not sure what your doctor told you but I know many who have successfully used cabbage leaves and a tight bra to dry it up and motrin and ice for the discomfort. I hope it dries up soon so you will be more comfortable physically.

I understand how writing helps. I am the same way. Keep writing when you are ready. We are all here to share your pain with you and maybe somehow take some of it away from you. Maybe it will help you heal to see how much love surrounds you.


Amanda and Tim said...

Oh Allison,

I am so sorry you are having to go through this on top of everything else... I don't know what to say apart from the fact that my heart breaks for you right now and I am holding you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Amanda xx

Lena said...

i was shocked and so saddened to hear about wyatt. i'm so sorry. thank you for sharing your experience... i've been really touched by your honesty and bravery to share all this. it's also frightening for me to read about your loss, as i'm just starting the IVF process (having endo, a lap, 4 failed IUIs and more), but i'm thankful for an online community that is honest and real. people like to assure me that "everything will be fine", but life is not always that way... it's been helpful to find a community online that understands the heart wrenching pain. i'm thinking of you and your husband...

Allison said...

I felt the same way when my milk started coming in after losing Cadynce. I was like really, really I'm not suffering enough thanks body - can you do anything else to torture me.

Here's hoping it won't last long.

Talking about Wyatt will help more than you know. I think one thing that has helped more than anything else is talking about her and seeing/hearing her existence be acknowledged by others (even people I have never met IRL).

((Big HUGS))

Jeanne said...


I am so, so sorry. This must make it that much harder to deal with what's happening. I'm very sorry.

On a practical note, has anyone suggesting binding your chest? The pressure helps speed up the process of getting it to stop. When I was hospitalized for 10 days a few days after delivery, I ended up binding and it did help. It took time but it sped up the process.

When I say binding, I mean I literally wrapped my chest tight. You know those non-sticky bandages like ace bandages that you wrap sports injuries with? Something like that. Anything that you can wrap tightly to apply pressure.

I hope this helps. I'm so sorry.


Becky said...

Yes, cabbage leaves, snug bra, and ACE brand retangular cloth covered cold packs work great for engorgement. I also used a wide ace bandage and wrapped it around me.
It does suck that you guys have to go through this, but know that you are not alone. Bad things happen to Good people, unfortunately that's just how it goes. God is always here to surround us with love, comfort, strength, and to give us a glimmer of hope at times such as this through the many earthly & heavanly guardian angels among us.
Hang in there, and know that you & Wes are in our thoughts & prayers.
Much love & many virtual (((hugs))) from Nebraska:)

Barefoot said...

I'm so sorry you're facing this reminder....ugh. I'm glad to hear that the writing helps -- we're all here to listen -- and hope that the next few days pass as peacefully as possible.

Kate said...

Damn. I didn't know you could really lactate at this point in pregnancy, and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with it on top of your loss. Hope it stops quickly so that you can at least physically get back to "normal" more quickly - might help with the mental side of things to at least feel physically better.

Beat-up and Stitched said...

I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. My heart and prayers goes out to you and your husband.

Kelly said...

I'm am so sorry. My heart goes out to you and Weston.

zengirl said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this process with your body, on top of everything else. I hope you find a way to heal your heart. You're in my thoughts and prayers. (((HUGS)))

JellyBelly said...

I continue to pray for you A!!!!

Yaya said...

You've been on my mind and in my heart pretty much constantly. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, and will continue to go through this. It's just not fair. My heart aches for you.