I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!

Friday, November 27, 2009

The pain is still so fresh

It's been a week now since the process to give birth to our son began. Tonight at 8:45 will be exactly one week since we met our son. My gut is wrenching. My heart is heavy. I miss our Wyatt. I don't understand why we had to say goodbye so early.

Yesterday was particularly difficult. We are so thankful for so many things in our lives. Yet, I felt so thankless yesterday and angry. I know Wyatt is in a better place now, but, I am selfish and I want him back. I need him back! How can I be thankful that the life I was preparing inside of me is gone? I am obviously thankful for the chance to have had time with our son-to hold him, love him, hug him, kiss him. I'm just not thankful we had to let him go.

Last night was another stab in the gut...literally. I started cramping very badly yesterday afternoon. By 7:30/8 PM the blood started just "pouring". This was alarming for us because fortunately (or unfortunately) I had not bled much, if any up until that point. After I soaked a pad I called the OB's office and they wanted me to head to the ER for an ultrasound.

We got there a little before 11 and left at 3. Such a long and agonizing process. I hate ER's! They drew blood, did a pelvic exam then an ultrasound. The PA extracted a large clot that he said had tissue on it...which obviously made me very nervous. The ultrasound looked okay though in that there wasn't any remaining placenta. So, maybe my body is just slow and didn't decide to bleed until last night? Who knows. I guess I'm just a bleeder. I got a prescription for some pain meds (thank goodness because I am not feeling better today either) and we headed home.

So, I am obviously thankful that everything is okay. Yet, still so empty and in pain. This pain I should not be feeling now.

We miss you Wyatt. We love you.


Sonja said...

Thinking of you and your husband *hugs*

Kate said...

So sorry to hear about the pain and bleeding on top of all you're having to deal with emotionally and mentally. It's going to take a long time for things to start to feel more normal, I'd guess.

Jeanne said...


I am so sorry.

You are NOT selfish.

I am terribly sorry about your ER trip.

Try to rest. Thinking of you.


What IF? said...

Dear, sweet, amazing Allison. I'm so sorry for all the heartache, pain and emptiness you're experiencing. And then: to visit an ER on Thanksgiving after what you've been through... I can't even imagine how sucky it must be to have your physical pain mirror your emotional pain right now.
Thinking of you during this excruciatingly difficult time.

Katie said...

(((hugs))) Still thinking of you.

Yaya said...

Oh Allison. I'm so sorry. It must be terribly hard to try to heal and cope emotionally when you are in so much physical prayers. You've been on my mind and in my prayers. I'm here for you.

Christa said...

Hello Allison,

Cy name is Christa, Yaya just emailed me to let me know about your blog. I lost our son Zachary at 18 weeks in July of 2007 and have gone on to lose two more pregnancies at 5 weeks each since then. I just want to start by telling you how sorry I am for your loss. I held back tears as I read your blog just now. Every word you say is exactly how I felt when I lost our son. There is no rule book or instruction guide for how to deal with this, and it can feel like you are so lost and misunderstood at times. But please know that you are not alone in this, and that I (and surly many others)are here to listen and talk. There are no words I can say to you to take away the unbelievable pain you are feeling right now. I can only tell you what I have learned. That is to take it one day at a time. Give yourself the time and space to grieve. Listen to your heart above all else, even when people tell you that you need to get over it. Turn to your blog when you need to vent. Turn to your husband when you need to cry. This will be a long road, but you can and will recover, just give it time. One day you will find the courage to hope again, but until then you have a wounded heart that needs lots of TLC. Take care of yourself above all.

I have a blog which chronicles my journey through recurrent miscarriage


Currently I have a Giveaway. It is an ornament of Angels Wings for your Christmas tree. I would love for you to have a pair. So if you are interested, please just email your mailing address to me at frewgal@gmail.com and I'll make sure you get a pair.

I am sending you a (((((BIG HUG))))). Take care.


Shelly said...

I'm so sorry. This is the first time i've commented but i've been reading your blog for awhile. I just wanted you to know that my heart is just broken for you. We lost our son Zach when I was 15 wks along. it's so amazingly hard. Please know that i'm praying for you.

Lisa said...

I am just so sorry you are going through all of this. I hope your body gives you a break soon. You deserve it more than anyone I know.

Deb said...


I have no words that will bring comfort. I can only lift you up in prayer.

I can't imagine how lonely this journey feels for you; but please know there are many people all over sending you prayers for peace.

I can't make sense of why this is happening to you and why the road you travel has been so difficult. So I'm holding on to faith that you will find peace, comfort and abundant blessings.


Lauren, Daniel, James and baby Brendan. said...

I am you are beginning to feel more comfortable, that you are resting with your feet up, and that your pain medication is working. YOU DESERVE A BREAK! We are all pulling for you here. Prayers still going up for you many times a day. It is ok to be angry! I have been very angry too! I don't want to see you go through any more pain or loss. I am finding comfort when I pray and hope that you are feeling it also, since so many people are lifting you up. We are all here to support you.
The Duffys

Jamee said...

I am thinking of you and sending you big (((hugs))). You and your husband remain in my thoughts & prayers.