I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

He was so perfect

This is a copy from our other blog:

Little Wyatt Landry was perfect. He had my nose and the rest of him looked like Weston. His skin was traumatized from birth. You could still see through some of it. His eyes were fused shut. He had the most beautiful fingers and toes-complete with the tiniest toenails and fingernails you've ever seen. You could see the peace on his face. We needed to see that. He was the most peaceful angel we've ever seen or imagined to see. He never took a breath in this world. He was born breach and the whole process took about 8 1/2 hours after they started the induction. I did end up having to push quite a bit since he was breach. I was so terrified. Weston was there to hold my hand and we had two wonderful nurses there helping me.

We had some beautiful gowns (they brought one for a boy and a girl since we didn't know until he as born) that were brought to us from the church that were made from donated wedding dresses. It came with a beautifully crocheted blanket as well-I slept with it last night. The girl that brought them is part of a ministry at church-she had to deliver her two babies at 20 weeks and knows loss all too well.

They dressed him for us after they cleaned him and we spent almost three beautiful hours with him. It was absolutely the worst day of our lives...and the most amazing at the same time. We got to hold him. Weston baptized him. It was awesome. They had a camera and we were able to get a few pictures for our memory box. They took little prints of his feet too. He was never weighed or measured. According to my corresponding weeks, he was about 7 ounces and about 5 1/2 inches long. It was the hardest thing imaginable when it was time for him to leave our arms. The funeral home came and he was cremated sometime this morning.

It was even harder leaving the hospital today with empty arms. When you are pregnant and expecting a child, you have so many plans for your life as a family together. You have dreams of your nursery; the toys and joys of those first years of your lives together. I imagined it was a boy; a wonderfully loving playmate for Weston. I imagined the leggos and transformers we could play with; and the computer and video games he and his daddy would play together. We had to leave the hospital today without that dream. There should have been a carseat in the back. There should have been cries from his little lungs. A joyful noise that we will never hear from his lips.

We are having a small, private prayer service on Tuesday to remember his short, beautiful life.

This is the hardest thing we've ever done or dealt with in our lives. All the physical pain in the world could never begin to describe our hurt and sorrow. We know time will heal. We have been through so much in these past three years of marriage. If you ask me, it's a little more than one couple should bear. 2 1/2 years of infertility. Two successful IVF cycles-both ending with loss. I'm not sure why we are being put through such hurt and sorrow. I'm not sure how two people are supposed to keep on keeping on after so much. But, we will. We have, and we will.

For now, we are going in to a safe, dark hole and grieve together. God Bless all of our friends and family and even the strangers out there who have sent their amazing support and love. We cannot do this without you. Please allow us time to cry, to talk about our loving angel, and just help to offer a shoulder for us to cry on. If we don't call or email you back, we still appreciate your calls and for reaching out to us. Please continue to pray for us and for our angel. We need the peace in our hearts to carry on in this world without our son.


Ali said...

You and your husband are in my prayers. Your pain is a pain that no one should have to endure.

Bless you and big (HUGS)

Ali said...

I am holding you in my thoughts... I am so sorry for your loss, and so glad that you were able to hold your beautiful baby boy and say goodbye.

nicolemarie said...

Words cannot even tell you how incredibly sorry I am for the pain you are feeling right now. You and your husband will be in my thoughts for a long time to come. You are both amazing, strong, beautiful people for getting through this.

Holli said...

My heart breaks for you. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

JellyBelly said...

I wish I knew the words to comfort you.

Your family continues to be in my prayers.

Dana said...

Thank you for sharing that with us. I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Rebecca said...

I will be thinking of you and your son. I am glad you had the time to say goodbye, and so sorry that you have all this pain and sadness.

Kate said...

He sounds absolutely beautiful, and I'm so glad the staff and support from your church made the process a little more bearable, and that you were able to spend such time with him.
Life's so darn unfair, but I hope that someday you'll be rewarded for your endurance and persistence with a larger family of your own, no matter how that is built.
Wishing you much loving support in the time to come

Rebekah said...

I am so sorry.
I can only begin to imagine your pain - my niece passed after 20 minutes with us.
I'm so glad you got to spend time with him.
Take your time to heal...It will come.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Lauren, Daniel, James and baby Brendan. said...

You are an incredibly strong and brave woman. We are amazed by your courage and by your grace. Wyatt is just such a beautiful name for a beautiful angel. Thank you for telling his story. There are so many things we want to say to you, but words are inadequate. We will continue our prayers for your family. Please don't give up. Love and healing thoughts are coming your way.
The Duffys

Yaya said...

My heart continues to ache for you. :(


Tracey said...

Wyatt sounds beautiful. I know all too well the heartbreaking feeling of most painful and yet most wonderful day of your life...I so wish you weren't having to go through this.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, your husband and little baby Wyatt.

Jamee said...

My heart just breaks for you and your husband. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so glad that you were able to spend time with your sweet baby boy. May God bless you with peace and comfort beyond all understanding. (((hugs)))

allisyn said...

allison and wes, I just want you two to know that so many people are here for you..rooting for you! I can not imagine what each of you must be feeling right now and going through, but I believe little Wyatt is looking down on yall and thinking what awesome parents he was blessed with. love yall!! *HUGS*

Anonymous said...

You both are in my prayers. I'm glad you had that time with him to say good-bye.

Ellison Mitchell said...

I've only just started following your blog and was very excited to see that someone also with Stage IV endometriosis was having a good pregnancy. I am now so sorry to hear of your loss. It must be devastating for you and your husband. My thoughts and prayers are with you both at this time. You are very brave for sharing what you've been going through. I only hope that the words we commentators have left can bring you some small measure of comfort during this time.

Alma said...

Thank you for sharing memories of your little angel with us. We pray for you and Weston, and for your families.

You will always have a guardian angel watching over you, a big brother to his future siblings.

Hugs and support to you both.

Mighty M said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Emalee said...

I am SO SO sorry for your loss. One year ago I was right where you are. Please know you are not alone in this journy. There are many women who have traveled this road before you. I invite you to read this post. http://ekrausch.blogspot.com/2009/10/grief.html
It gives you some places to go, for support! If you ever need a "Shoulder" to cry on I am here for you. I found your blog from Tears For My Baby......