I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

One word


I've been feeling pretty good physically. But, sometimes I just feel so low and blah. Night is soooooooooooo bad. I guess because I am not keeping my mind as busy as during the day? I loathe night time now and the darkness it brings. And, I can't sleep well. My mind just races. The anxiety meds I am on doesn't seem to be helping much with that. Though, it does seem to be helping with the overwhelming anxiety I was experiencing. I'm not sure I want to add any sleeping meds to the mix. Any suggestions on a natural remedy? I write now to clear my mind...in hopes that I can get some rest!

I'm scared of the return of my endo. I am naively hoping that the pregnancy hormones helped a good bit in there and things will take a while to return full force. These thoughts and thoughts of when we will be able to try again (and, if/when we'll want to) dance instead of sugarplums in my head. Too much to think about.

When I do sleep...I mostly have nightmares, involving some sort of tragedy. Not good times at all.

Blah. Indeed.


Eileen said...

I am so sorry you are going through this girl. Have you tried rubbing lavender oil on your temples and forehead before bed. It always seems to help me relax and fall asleep easier... and I'm a pretty big insomniac myself. *BIG HUGS* I hope your endo symptoms stay far, far away.

Alma and Paul said...

I have vivid dreams and when I have alot on my mind I can count on some weird freaky dreams from my subconscious to keep me busy all night.
My mom recently started taking melatonin before bed. She didn't want to take a prescription drug so the natural food store recommended melatonin instead. She suffers from alot of anxiety and said it's helped. Also, the health food store will have a sleep aid section and their stuff is supposed to be non-habit forming.

Lauren, Daniel, James and baby Brendan. said...

I think you should try some Ambien. I know you don't want to, but you need some sleep and to get back on a regular schedule before you go back to work. As far as natural stuff, what about taking a bubble bath and spraying your sheets with some lavender linen spray? I used to do that.

K said...

I have been experiencing nightmares (about TH dying) since our loss last week. I just talked to my therapist about it, and the "good" news is that it means your psyche is working to process everything. During the day, we're more focused on making it through the day, keeping ourselves together, and surviving. At night, we relax and we're more vulnerable to the processing of everything we've just gone through.

It helped me to hear that it's normal/expected with loss, and I hope that can give you some comfort, too. I also second the lavendar, though I got it in the form of an eye pillow through Amazon. It helps my eyes relax, which in turn helps me fall asleep. It also helps with headaches.


Kelly said...

I'm sorry that you have so much heartache to deal with and those reminders that pop up and make things worse. You're in my thoughts.

Jeanne said...


I'm sorry you're having nightmares. :(

I thought the comment from K was interesting, though... that it could be a sign that your mind is processing things (a step for healing).

Thinking of you!


Yaya said...

Have you tried acupuncture? I swear by it.