I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Sleep is not my friend; C&P from my other blog

Here is a post I wrote last night:

So strange going from being pregnant and SO EXHAUSTED one day...to completely restless and sleepless the next (without the "up all night with the baby" reason). I don't think I've been to bed before 12AM since the day we found out we were going to lose our baby. Here I am, at 11:30 just typing away. Hoping to clear my head and get some rest. Weston is actually asleep before me tonight; which normally would be an unusual occurrence. I cannot shut off my mind. It wanders. Sometimes wandering is okay, but, not this type of wandering. The "what if", "why", anger, hurt, peace, blessings and the roller coaster of emotions that fill my day swirl around in my head. It's quite dizzy-ing!

Now, I don't walk around aimless and hopeless all day long. We are trying to get back into life. It's too short. I don't want to miss it! But, we have our moments.; and each day brings on new challenges. Mine mostly seem to be at night recently. That's when the hurt comes...when my brain won't shut off and rest. It is continuously thinking about Wyatt. The moments we had. The moments we wish we would have had. I wonder what color eyes he would have had? What color would his hair have been? Would it have been curly and full like his father's? How it would feel to hold him just a little longer? How would it feel to still be pregnant? What if we can't have any more?

I sat staring at the Christmas tree we broke down and bought tonight. I want to be festive. That's who I am!!! I know Wyatt would want that too. But, it's so hard. Christmas was supposed to bring so many wonderful things this year, including the end to the surprise about what we were expecting. Weston wanted to have the OB's office seal the ultrasound pictures and write down what our beautiful bundle was. We were going to open it Christmas day with our families and celebrate together. Looking at the tree kinda hurts. It just reminds me of the milestones we won't be reaching with this pregnancy.

I also find myself remember the "bad" parts of the delivery day. I was so scared. Angry, scared and hurt. I try to look back and be thankful for the whole experience. I was so proud when he was delivered. I looked up at Weston and said "I did it. I really did it". I was so proud to be a mommy and to see my son. I want to remember all the beautiful things that happened that day. My mom and grandmother were there and they got to hold him. Weston and I had our private time with him. Weston baptized him. We kissed him. I rocked him. All those beautiful things I want to remember and never forget! Without that delivery, we would have never met him.

Tonight I write these things to clear my heart and mind so maybe I can find some rest. My whole body needs this rest. I need to heal, emotionally as well as physically. I need you sleep! Please oh please be my friend. At least for a few hours at a time? That's all I'm asking. Just enough to get this body back in gear and my heart back on track.


Allison (Ali) said...

totally with you on that one. i can go all day (well most of the day) just fine, but when it comes time to go to bed i can't go to sleep. i dont think i have gotten more than 4-5 hours pre night in a while - which really isnt enough for me.

i hope it gets better for you soon.

Jessica said...

While I have not lost a child (I'm currently under medical investigation with a possible diagnosis of endo), I did recently lose my father. In May, he was given a prognosis of Stage IV pancreatic cancer and was told to not expect to see ANY holidays this year. He fought it until November 2nd. Ever since, my sleep has also been screwed up. I'm sad, I'm mad at the doctors and the disease, I worry that I should have been there more often for him, I worry that he passed away regretting anything I had done (or not done). It's hard and it's a day by day thing - some days I feel almost OK, other days I end up sobbing in the bathroom at work. What has definitely helped is remaining open to my loved ones. Don't shut them out. Let them know that you love them. Don't be embarrassed to admit that you're upset. And don't be embarrassed to seek professional counseling. When someone has been through as much as you have been through, it's possible to lose your ability to cope. Sometimes, professional counseling allows you to rediscover this ability. Take care.

Kate said...

I sure hope sleep found you. I know I have a lot of trouble no matter how tired I am on those nights when my mind just won't stop churning with worry. Zopiclone is my best friend then. I really should try more of the relaxation breathing kind of stuff too, but often have trouble keeping the other stuff from invading my mind.
I hope the holiday season brings you some joy, despite all the hard times you're going through now.

Kelly said...

I'm sincerely sorry for all that you have had to go through these past few weeks. You are a very strong person and I am sorry that this had to happen to you and your husband. Try and take some time for yourself and relax. I imagine that it's hard, but I'm sure some sleep will help with that. Sending hugs and prayers your way!

Kait said...

Oh, my heart just aches for you. And the tears fall. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are a strong, brave, amazing woman. Sometime when I worry that the worst will happen my thoughts turn to your blog and I tell myself that if others can survive the trauma than maybe I can too. I can't imagine I'd do it with the grace and compassion that you do. Thank you for continuing to share your experience with us. I know I appreciate it very much.

Jennifer said...

Ohhhh, I know it doesn't help take away any of your pain, but my heart absolutely breaks hearing what you're having to go through. Have you thought at all about getting some Ambien from your doctor so that you can sleep at night? I'm an insomniac and Ambien is my salvation. Without it I would be up all night and when I finally did go to sleep I would wake up every hour or two.

JellyBelly said...

I wish that I knew the words to comfort you.

You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Rebekah said...

I think you are doing amazingly with all of this. You are remembering the good and working forward. That takes so much strength.
I hope you are able to sleep well... Can you take something to help you get onto a sleep cycle? Prayers for good rest.

Jelin said...

I've been reading your posts for months now but have not ever left a comment as I didn't have an account. I am writing today to let you know how much your posts have moved me. I have laughed and cried for you, with you. You are a beautiful writer and although your story is different from mine I can relate to it and I am thankful for it. I don't think you know how many lives you are touching. I am so sorry for the pain you have been through and are currently working through. I don't know how that pain feels personally. I ache for you but at the same time I cheer for you in so many ways. Thank you for sharing the ups and downs in your journey. I hope that in my journey I can be as strong and loving as you seem to be. Thank you again.

My Endo Journey said...

Jessica, I am so sorry about the loss of your father :( I work in Oncology, and, unfortunately I see the best and the worst of all of that.

Thank you everyone for all of your support and for sharing your experiences with me. The support system we get from this blog is unbelievably amazing!

Jeanne said...


I am hoping that you'll get back to a better-for-you sleep schedule soon. I know how serious sleep deprivation can get. Thinking of you!