I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!

Friday, December 4, 2009

2 weeks

I wonder at what point you get to where you aren't constantly counting backwards to such a sad day. I wonder when Friday will be exciting again.

Doing okay today. I'm just now starting to feel sore inside (physically). I haven't been feeling well since the procedure, but, I was on some medication to clamp down my uterus and it just made me feel so gross. My last dose was early this morning, thank goodness. Still feeling the effects from it though. Just hoping it's doing it's thing. I'm also on some antibiotics that my stomach aren't a fan of. Gotta remember to eat when I take those! I tried to tidy up a little today and realized already I've done too much. So, trying to chill again.

Today and yesterday my hubby went back to work. The feelings of loneliness are sinking in. Just part of the process, I know. Just trying to take it one day at a time. Some moments are easier than others. Last night I was so upset with my body..."Why am I so sore" and wondering if I'll ever feel as good as I did when I was pregnant; frustrated with the thoughts of feeling like crap all the time again. Yes, I was constantly nauseated and my back was pretty sore...but hell, I'll take those symptoms ANY DAY over constantly feeling my ovaries and dreading every body "movements" because they are so painful. It was a blissfully happy and healthy pregnancy, aside from the obvious bleeding. I don't know if it was because I had something else to concentrate on and work towards (something outside of my self)...but it was the most most amazing 18 weeks of my life and I miss it.

I really have a new appreciation for the phrase, one day at a time.


Kait said...

I just wanted to write and say that I just started following your story after you lost your darling little one. I'm so, so, so sorry. I know those words mean nothing to you, but I feel the need to write them anyway. I'm currently early on in my second pregnancy (lost my first to an ectopic) and I think about your tragedy every day. I guess I'm just writing so you'll know that others are very, very saddened by what you are going through and wish so much that things were different. I have been very touched by your strength and love throughout this ordeal. I hope you find some peace in the future.

Kait @ esperanzasays.wordpress.com

Allison (Ali) said...

i dont know when we stop counting the days, weeks, months. every saturday i wake up and think it's been....tomorrow will be 8 weeks, saturday used to be my favorite day of the week, not anymore and I miss feeling that way.

I hope peace for you today (even a little bit)!


Jeanne said...


One day at a time.


Angela said...

((((hugs)))) I just wanted to come by after Yaya shared...Wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and holding you close in thoughts and prayers...I'm sorry for your precious loss.

Mrs.Espo said...

One day at a time is exactly how I have been living. We have SO much in common. I lost my last pregnancy at 18w4d. And while it has been 4 1/2 months, I am still having to take it day by day...hour by hour

La loca said...

I am so sorry you had to go through this. In my case, it made me stronger...it hurt so much (still does) and the fact that I was able to recover and go back to my life was a huge accomplishment. For me. The first few weeks just hurt too much, and you just feel like crying ALL the time. All I can say is that you'll never be the same...but YOU WILL recover. Give yourself time. Don't push it and DON'T do any housework!
I hope you feel better soon, at least phisically.

Sonja said...

Definitely one day at a time, and remember, duckling steps. *hugs*

You are so strong and amazing.


PS: You won my giveaway, check out my blog for details on how to send me your info.

Amanda and Tim said...

I am still keeping you in my thoughts and prayers xx

Yaya said...

Sigh, I guess I don't have any words of advice, except that I'm here for you. I hate that you're going through this.

The Caldwells said...

It has been seven months since I lost my daughters. I still think about them every day. That will never change, but my Saturday mornings are easier and I don't wake up on Saturday morning crying anymore. I am sure it is different for everyone. Your heart will never be the same but I am praying your body will feel better soon.


Christa said...

((BIG HUG)) When I read your posts, I am so amazed at how much I relate. I didn't have a blog when I lost our baby at 18 weeks, but if I did, it would read almost word for word exactly as yours. Please know, that from my experience, you are doing your best in a very bad situation. It really is one day at a time right now, and it will be for quite a while. I remember being alone for the first time post-delivery and how lonely I was. I remember those awful horse pills I had to take to clamp my uterus, they made me feel so awful. I remember how my lady parts hurt and bled. I remember how my heart literally ached for my loss. They were all dreadful reminders of what I lost. It simply isn't fair. Still to this day, I get angry that I went so long into the pregnancy just lose it. It's a monumental loss that no one around you will ever fully understand. To carry a baby 18 weeks is a very long time. You let yourself love, dream and hope. You allow yourself to be blissfully pregnant because you've passed every milestone with flying colors. The doctors tell you everything is fine. Then just like that it's all ripped away from you. It's completely unfair. Healing only comes with time, and I know time feels like it is standing still right now. But slowly you will start to feel normal. It will be a new normal though, as you're never completely the same after such a loss. Right now your body is still trying to recover from the delivery. Your hormones are RAGING right now. Even on your best day, the hormone imbalances you experience during the first 6 weeks will make you crazy at times. One minute you will be fine, the next you will be crying and just want to disappear from the face of the earth. I had some VERY dark days in my first few months after my loss. And because I didn't have much support it was very very difficult to overcome alone. So if I can give you some advice, now is the perfect time to reach out and ask for professional help. I made the grave mistake of being ashamed of seeking professional help when I needed it most. And because I didn't get the help I needed right away, I suffered much longer that I should have. I ended up having to a psychologist this past summer, a whole two years after losing our son. She was able to help me finally work through my feelings of loss, anger and self blame. And honestly it was like a switch went off in my brain and for the first time in two years I felt human again. If I had it to do all over again, I would have gone to see a psychologist to start grief therapy sessions immediately. It is such a valuable resource to have because it is the only real safe place that you can go to and share you true feelings and get real help. If you haven't been told this yet, you have to treat this loss as you would a death. I've learned that saying it's a miscarriage is the medical term, but it's actually a death. If you see it that way you will see you need all the help any person needs when their child dies. So I can't stress it enough how important I think grief therapy can be for you. Your blog will be your second most valuable resource, because it's a place that you can be completely honest. It also helps you have perspective and see you're not alone. So keep writing. I'm here for you if you want to talk. You can email me any time ok :) (frewgal@gmail.com)