I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!

Friday, December 11, 2009

3 Weeks

And the countdown continues. I just realized Christmas DAY will be 5 weeks since we lost our son. So strange to think if he had made it just to Christmas, this might be a different life we are living. Who knows though. You can't drive yourself insane with the what if's. It doesn't change anything. I really try to desperately push those thoughts out of my mind. I can't, however, stop imagining how things would have been with our sweet angel here on earth with us.

Sleep still continues to elude me some. My husband and I were both up very late last night/early this morning. No sleep+anxiety does not make for a pleasant Allison. I am going to try to nap here in a bit. Might as well get it where I can!

We have an apt set up with the RE. We aren't ready to make any decisions right now, but, just wanted to sit down and talk with her about what our options might be next year. And, to start keeping tabs on this endometrioma. I'm very down thinking about our "options". We have maxed out on the fertility coverage with our insurance; and I can't switch to mine until 2011 because the "Open Enrollment" period is over for both my company and my husbands. So, no coverage for 2010 on fertility treatments. I don't know where this will put us. We do have two beauties in the freezer. I know FET's can be considerably cheaper, so, we will most likely look into this if needed. I guess we'll need to sit down with the financial counselor as well and start to crunch numbers.

So, just want to stay ahead of the game and go ahead and talk with my RE. I also want to see about some testing on this loss. My OB said it wasn't necessary because there wasn't a "demise" of the baby per-se. My water broke, that's why there wasn't any fluid, and that's why Wyatt didn't make it (even though it hasn't been determined WHY it all happened and what was up with my ever growing hematoma despite the constant bleeding). It wasn't as if we went in with everything had been honkey dorey the rest of the pregnancy and then all of a sudden there was no heartbeat. Apparently that is a different story? That and this was my "first" loss (my other was a "chemical"-I hate that term). They usually do these tests after two losses. Um, I'm sorry, a 2nd trimester loss is a big deal. The statistics on losing your baby in the 2nd trimester and after is SOOOOOOOO very low. So, why isn't this a bigger deal? Anyway, I believe that my RE will agree with me...and, if not, I may like her explanation better. All I am asking for is a blood test!!! We'll see.

We miss you Wyatt. Thank you for touching our hearts and our lives.


Alma said...


When you're ready, google (and I *hate* the term) 'incompetent cervix'. Or ask your RE. My friend had this condition and it was 'corrected' for her second pregnancy.

By the way, just to introduce myself, my name is Alma, I'm 28 and I also have endo. I found your blog after coming home from the hospital in October..both my tubes were so badly damaged by endo that my surgeon removed them. It was a complete shock. Now we hopefully start IVF in the new year. I have yet to start my blog..I think I might this weekend. :)
Anyways, you're in my thoughts, take care. :)

Jeanne said...


I totally agree with what you said: "a second trimester loss is a big deal"... and if it were me I would be advocating for testing too.

I hope your RE can help you get closer to some semblance of peace of mind. Who wouldn't want testing done if there is something available to even give some sort of clues as to why things happened the way they did?

Good luck when you talk to the RE. I'm glad you are advocating for yourself so well. You are so strong.


J said...

Oh honey, I'm so terribly sorry. I've been so wrapped up in our own problems, I haven't been checking on my friends enough. The news of Wyatt's loss is heartbreaking. I can only imagine your pain and hope that you can find some shred of peace. Biggest hugs ever and know that you and your family are in my prayers.

Jamee said...

I hope that your appt can answer some questions. (((hugs)))

p.s. you have an award waiting on my blog.

Kacey said...

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss of Wyatt.
O Lord,
In this time of need, strenghten Allison. You are our strength and our shield. You are our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. I know, Father, that your eyes go throughout the eart to strenghten those whose hearts long for You. The body grows weary, but my hope is in You to renew Allison's strength. I do not fear, for You are with me. Even in the shadows of despair cover her, so that she may feel the comfort of Your strength, O Lord.
You may have not met Wyatt's soul here on earth, but you will one day! My prayers are with you.


Ter said...


(I wish I could say more, but nothing I can say you haven't already heard. but I'm here offering my support)