I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Big green monster

Hello envy. I wish you'd go away now. I'm done with you. I've never liked you. We've never been friends. I usually stay very far away from you. Yet, here you are, creeping into my thoughts.

My food for thought this evening:
  • Why do I personally know 4 people that are having babies within 1-2 weeks of Wyatt's "due date"? That's 4 friends that will all have children right around what age Wyatt should have been. A haunting reminder every time I see those children?!?!
  • Why is everyone having BOYS?!?!? The 4 people mentioned above and many other bloggers (also due around when I was). Would it make me feel better if it were girls?
I am not this person. Envy, it's time for you to go. I cannot live my life like this for sure!!! Just hoping you are a temporary fixture in the cycle of healing.


Eileen said...

I can totally relate girl. My cousin just had her baby 3 days before my due date with my 2nd pregnancy. Now I am doomed to a lifetime of family gatherings with a big fat slap in the face reminding me of what should have been *sigh*. Life is just so unfair sometimes. If only we could wave a magic wand and envy would be eradicated from our lives. I just keep reminding myself that when we do get the holy grail and stand holding our beautiful child in our arms, we will be a much better mother for all that shit, heartache and despair that we have been through. And we will appreciate every single beautiful breath that our children take. We just have to keep trekking forward with our eyes on that prize girl.

Kelly said...

I can relate to feeling envious. It turns me into a person I don't like very much. My SIL and I shared a due date from my first loss. She gave birth prematurely on the day of my D&E from my 3rd loss. One of my close friends is also due within a week of when I was in May.

I just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone, even though what we're envious of or grieving is different.

My heart goes out to you.

Amanda and Tim said...

Oh Allison, no wonder you are struggling with these feelings with so many people you know having babies at a time that should have been so special for you.. I am thinking of you and holding you in my prayers xx

Kate said...

Maybe I'm just a jerk, but I think I'd be having a lot more trouble with envy than you seem to be - and I wouldn't be hopeful that it would just go away.
I think it's only natural to feel upset that so many other people will be having boys (or a baby at all) at the same time Wyatt should have been born. You'd be superhuman if you didn't feel that way.
I have no idea how to get over those thoughts. I think I'd probably have to avoid the friends and babies until they got older. A toddler I might be able to handle, but a squishy newborn, not so much.

Allison (Ali) said...

I know exactly how you feel, my boss is 5 weeks ahead of where I should be if we hadnt lost cadynce and of course is having a girl. so i am dreading her having her baby and trying not to get eaten alive with the jealousy and anger, since she has 3 other children already. thats not who i am and i dont like it but its there and i try to keep it buried.

thinking of you...~~hugs~~

Anonymous said...

I think the feelings are completely. There's no doubt that seeing four boys the age that Wyatt would have been will be hard.
I'm hoping along with you, that you don't have to deal with these feelings very long and that you can feel some peace in the healing process...

ReadyGo said...

Oh wow- I can't believe four boys. That can't be easy, I'm impressed you're as strong as you are! I'm thinking about you.

Thank you for the words of encouragement about the MBA! Did you take the GMAT? I hate studying for those standardized tests...but I'm kind of used to it in the financial industry. And you're so right about the 5 years- if I don't use it now...I'm sure it'll come in handy in the next five years.

JellyBelly said...

I agree, envy is even worse at Christmas. I can't even imagine what you're going through!

It seem like so many people in my "inner circle" are pregnant. I can't take it!

Anonymous said...

i absolutely do not blame you for feeling envious, you have been cheated and it is not fair. i will of course continue to read your blog and leave you comments but i hope you know that if it is to painful for you to look at my blog right now i TOTALLY understand!

Alma said...

Envy is a scary thing, I feel like it does overwhelm the strong woman inside. I've been reading your blog for awhile now, and have to say that you are incredibly brave. I think by all of us admitting that we do feel jealousy and envy at the site of others with their babies, we are being strong by acknowledging the monster...that we know that's not who we are, but human nature just gets in the way.

My thoughts are with you and your DH this holiday season.

Jeanne said...


I'm so sorry and the feelings you've described are so normal for you to be feeling.