I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

ICLW-I'm back

Welcome to my blog. Unfortunately, you've got me at a rather strange time in my life. A little over 4 weeks ago I was 18 weeks pregnant, and, blissfully happy. Today my son is in heaven, looking down on his mommy and daddy. And, his mommy and daddy are hurting and wondering why.

I'm 29 and have Stage IV endometriosis. I've always had painful periods, but, was on birth control from early on in my teens to regulate my periods and pain. In April of 2007 I came off BC in hopes we could have a baby. My troubles "began" in October of that year. By Feb., my pain and GI symptoms were so severe, I had a "exploratory" laparoscopy. Since that surgery I've been treated with Lupron and Aygestin, gone through several cycles of Femera for fertility assistance, had a second laparoscopy (in March 2009), hysteroscopy (April 2009) and two cycles of IVF (April/May and July/Aug). It's been a busy busy time.

Both of our IVF cycles were successful. The first was deemed a "chemical pregnancy". I'm not a huge fan of that term. On August 12th, we found out that our 2nd cycle was also successful...and this time it stuck! Unfortunately, it was a rocky pregnancy that turned out with a very different outcome than we expected. I passed a large clot on Sept 13th, which turned out to be from a "moderate" sized subchorionic hematoma. We were told to remain cautiously optimistic, and, they really couldn't tell us how things would turn out. I was released to an OB and was also seen by a perinatologist. I continued to bleed on and off during the pregnancy. When we did see the perinatologist, he was optimistic because the hematoma looked "old". No one really made it all seem like a big deal. I was pretty much taking it easy the whole time. Not a lot of exercise and activity. Just chilling.

I had another scary bleeding episode on November 12th that would change our lives forever. I bled a lot that day. I was told by the OB that saw me that day that it was all from a polyp and to take it easy. I did. The bleeding seemed to ease. I went back in the next week because a test they ran got messed up and they wanted to do it again-that test botch-up was obviously meant to be. It was meant to be that I went to the OB on November 19th. The day they noticed that there was NO fluid remaining around the baby. None. The day I learned that my baby would be going to heaven and never spend a second here with us on this earth. The day I learned I would need to be induced. One of the worst days of my life. You can read more about these days in some of the blog posts below if you are interested. So many feelings, I cannot even begin to summarize them all here.

Christmas day will be 5 weeks out. The pain is so fresh and so real. Some days I walk around in a daze. Other days I seem okay. I know life goes on. I just hate that it is going on without our son in it. There are so many things that were "supposed" to be; so many hopes and dreams. Now, we just feel a little lost.


Nic said...

I'm pleased u r back for ICLW. It's such a great way to get support and realise u r not alone. Take care of yourself and make sure you give yourself the time u need to heal inside and out. X

Eileen said...

You are still in my thoughts and prayers girl. I hope that 2010 will be much kinder to both of us than 2009 was and that we will both never have to experience such loss again. *BIG HUGS*

Yaya' s Changing World said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. Yes, the pain is great and my heart aches for you. Would it help if I told you that you will see your son again? Prob'ly not, but perhaps.

I went through so many years of the same. If only I could reach out and make it easier. I offer you love and understanding... and prayer. If there is any way I can help, please call on me. I do know what you are going through.

A warm hug whenever it helps, my friend. ~ Yaya
Yaya's Home

Jess said...

{{{HUGS}}}} I am so sorry to hear that your son is no longer with you. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through right now My thoughts and prayers are with you and your dh.

Sonja said...

They suspected adenomyosis when during a pelvic exam, my uterus felt "soft and boggy" and hurt sooooooooo freaking bad when it was touched. After my endo was excised, my pain was also centerized. There's no way to 100% diagnose it pre-hyst but if it's soft and boggy, it's a tell tale sign.

I hope this answers your question!

Ashley said...

I still ache and cry for you guys when I read about Wyatt and how you got where you are today. ((Hugs)) One day at a time, one step at a time.

Serendipity said...

I'm so sorry to read about your son, you and your family are in my thoughts.

Katherine said...

I am so very sorry.

Leah said...

Oh, girl. I just came across this blog, and after reading some of your archives, I can tell you that I've had almost EXACTLY the same trajectory of experiences that you've had (minus your heartbreaking recent tragedy...I'm so sorry, btw).

I haven't been down the pregnancy/fertility path, and I may never try that road. But it's nice to read that someone else has experienced similar diagnoses and treatments.

I'll be back, and thank you for blogging!

nh said...

I'm sorry that the that you've had such a terrible couple of months. I hope that you are treating yourself well, let yourself heal and grieve.


Wifey said...

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this part of life's journey. I have never been in your shoes, but your words speak right to my soul. You seem to have good perspective on things, even while you mourn. I hope you find comfort in your loved ones this Holiday season.


LIL MAMA said...

i am sorry for your loss, i hsend you hugs and hope that you can be strong for yourself and your hubby.

ICLW hugs!!!

Half of a Duo, Raising a Duo said...

Oh sweetheart.

I have stood in your shoes 4x.

I know the pain you are suffering.

It is like hell on earth.

Nothing you did, or could have done, created this.

Please do not give up hope.

I became a mother, despite being barren from losing my fraternal twin daughters at 25 weeks... at the age of 46. Fraternal twin sons via surrogacy.


Jeanne said...


I am so sorry for the sadness you and your husband are feeling right now. I know Wyatt's loss was a very big blow to you both. You have many, many people who care very much about you! I'm thinking about you a great deal. You are very strong. I hope you're sleeping better.