ICLW-I'm back

Welcome to my blog. Unfortunately, you've got me at a rather strange time in my life. A little over 4 weeks ago I was 18 weeks pregnant, and, blissfully happy. Today my son is in heaven, looking down on his mommy and daddy. And, his mommy and daddy are hurting and wondering why.

I'm 29 and have Stage IV endometriosis. I've always had painful periods, but, was on birth control from early on in my teens to regulate my periods and pain. In April of 2007 I came off BC in hopes we could have a baby. My troubles "began" in October of that year. By Feb., my pain and GI symptoms were so severe, I had a "exploratory" laparoscopy. Since that surgery I've been treated with Lupron and Aygestin, gone through several cycles of Femera for fertility assistance, had a second laparoscopy (in March 2009), hysteroscopy (April 2009) and two cycles of IVF (April/May and July/Aug). It's been a busy busy time.

Both of our IVF cycles were successful. The first was deemed a "chemical pregnancy". I'm not a huge fan of that term. On August 12th, we found out that our 2nd cycle was also successful...and this time it stuck! Unfortunately, it was a rocky pregnancy that turned out with a very different outcome than we expected. I passed a large clot on Sept 13th, which turned out to be from a "moderate" sized subchorionic hematoma. We were told to remain cautiously optimistic, and, they really couldn't tell us how things would turn out. I was released to an OB and was also seen by a perinatologist. I continued to bleed on and off during the pregnancy. When we did see the perinatologist, he was optimistic because the hematoma looked "old". No one really made it all seem like a big deal. I was pretty much taking it easy the whole time. Not a lot of exercise and activity. Just chilling.

I had another scary bleeding episode on November 12th that would change our lives forever. I bled a lot that day. I was told by the OB that saw me that day that it was all from a polyp and to take it easy. I did. The bleeding seemed to ease. I went back in the next week because a test they ran got messed up and they wanted to do it again-that test botch-up was obviously meant to be. It was meant to be that I went to the OB on November 19th. The day they noticed that there was NO fluid remaining around the baby. None. The day I learned that my baby would be going to heaven and never spend a second here with us on this earth. The day I learned I would need to be induced. One of the worst days of my life. You can read more about these days in some of the blog posts below if you are interested. So many feelings, I cannot even begin to summarize them all here.

Christmas day will be 5 weeks out. The pain is so fresh and so real. Some days I walk around in a daze. Other days I seem okay. I know life goes on. I just hate that it is going on without our son in it. There are so many things that were "supposed" to be; so many hopes and dreams. Now, we just feel a little lost.