Here is a post I wrote last night:
So strange going from being pregnant and SO EXHAUSTED one day...to completely restless and sleepless the next (without the "up all night with the baby" reason). I don't think I've been to bed before 12AM since the day we found out we were going to lose our baby. Here I am, at 11:30 just typing away. Hoping to clear my head and get some rest. Weston is actually asleep before me tonight; which normally would be an unusual occurrence. I cannot shut off my mind. It wanders. Sometimes wandering is okay, but, not this type of wandering. The "what if", "why", anger, hurt, peace, blessings and the roller coaster of emotions that fill my day swirl around in my head. It's quite dizzy-ing!
Now, I don't walk around aimless and hopeless all day long. We are trying to get back into life. It's too short. I don't want to miss it! But, we have our moments.; and each day brings on new challenges. Mine mostly seem to be at night recently. That's when the hurt comes...when my brain won't shut off and rest. It is continuously thinking about Wyatt. The moments we had. The moments we wish we would have had. I wonder what color eyes he would have had? What color would his hair have been? Would it have been curly and full like his father's? How it would feel to hold him just a little longer? How would it feel to still be pregnant? What if we can't have any more?
I sat staring at the Christmas tree we broke down and bought tonight. I want to be festive. That's who I am!!! I know Wyatt would want that too. But, it's so hard. Christmas was supposed to bring so many wonderful things this year, including the end to the surprise about what we were expecting. Weston wanted to have the OB's office seal the ultrasound pictures and write down what our beautiful bundle was. We were going to open it Christmas day with our families and celebrate together. Looking at the tree kinda hurts. It just reminds me of the milestones we won't be reaching with this pregnancy.
I also find myself remember the "bad" parts of the delivery day. I was so scared. Angry, scared and hurt. I try to look back and be thankful for the whole experience. I was so proud when he was delivered. I looked up at Weston and said "I did it. I really did it". I was so proud to be a mommy and to see my son. I want to remember all the beautiful things that happened that day. My mom and grandmother were there and they got to hold him. Weston and I had our private time with him. Weston baptized him. We kissed him. I rocked him. All those beautiful things I want to remember and never forget! Without that delivery, we would have never met him.
Tonight I write these things to clear my heart and mind so maybe I can find some rest. My whole body needs this rest. I need to heal, emotionally as well as physically. I need you sleep! Please oh please be my friend. At least for a few hours at a time? That's all I'm asking. Just enough to get this body back in gear and my heart back on track.
And the suckiness continues...
3 hours ago