Here we go?

This is a TMI blog. Just a FYI for those that didn't know.

I went to the bathroom today and notice a tinge of blood on the tissue. Uh oh...here we go. Could this be my period sneaking up?!? Okay, well, not really sneaking. I have been feeling it. Just wasn't sure when it would make it's arrival.

When I went to the OB the other day for my follow-up to the D&E/C, she noticed a "cyst" on my left ovary. Most likely a follicular cyst. Seriously, do NOT say cyst to a woman who is used to seeing an endometrioma on the other side. I really almost vomited on her. ANYWAY...it was looking about "that size" to be releasing and starting all the "fun" it brings. Don't even get me started on how much it SUCKED to look at the ultrasound pics SANS my wonderful baby boy. How much it SUCKED to be discussing how wonderful the lining of my uterus looked and how good that follicle size was. F*CK that follicle. I shouldn't even be discussing these things at this point. This is a an entirely separate post in itself...so, I'll stop.

At any rate, bracing myself for my period and all the pain (emotionally and physically) this will bring me. Kinda hoping it'd go ahead and come so I can deal with it this week while I'm still not at work. So I don't go crazy psycho beotch on some inocent co-worker. Guess that's why the OB insisted I stay out one more week. Definitely thankful for that.

Have I mentioned how much I hate this? I truly hate this. WHY am I "here" again so soon? I miss my Wyatt!

A Christmas greeeting

This is from the Christmas cards we sent out this year:

Dear Family and Friends,

God blessed our lives with a bundle of joy that we were eagerly expecting in April of 2010. Unfortunately, the plan for our lives was a little different than we anticipated. We met and said goodbye to our beautiful son, Wyatt Landry, on November 20^th, 2009, at just 18 weeks in our pregnancy.

Through this difficult time, we have realized how blessed we really are. Christmas seems the most appropriate time to share these blessings and thank everyone for the amazing amount of support we have received. Your prayers, caring words, love, and kindness have truly changed our lives. We have even been touched by strangers, those reaching out to share their experiences and spread their love. In such a dark time in our hearts, it has been one of the most beautiful as well.

We hope that during this holiday season, and always, you are touched by the beautiful blessings in life. We remember and honor those who are no longer with us, and cherish those who are.

Wishing you peace, love, and joy
this Holiday Season.

ICLW-I'm back

Welcome to my blog. Unfortunately, you've got me at a rather strange time in my life. A little over 4 weeks ago I was 18 weeks pregnant, and, blissfully happy. Today my son is in heaven, looking down on his mommy and daddy. And, his mommy and daddy are hurting and wondering why.

I'm 29 and have Stage IV endometriosis. I've always had painful periods, but, was on birth control from early on in my teens to regulate my periods and pain. In April of 2007 I came off BC in hopes we could have a baby. My troubles "began" in October of that year. By Feb., my pain and GI symptoms were so severe, I had a "exploratory" laparoscopy. Since that surgery I've been treated with Lupron and Aygestin, gone through several cycles of Femera for fertility assistance, had a second laparoscopy (in March 2009), hysteroscopy (April 2009) and two cycles of IVF (April/May and July/Aug). It's been a busy busy time.

Both of our IVF cycles were successful. The first was deemed a "chemical pregnancy". I'm not a huge fan of that term. On August 12th, we found out that our 2nd cycle was also successful...and this time it stuck! Unfortunately, it was a rocky pregnancy that turned out with a very different outcome than we expected. I passed a large clot on Sept 13th, which turned out to be from a "moderate" sized subchorionic hematoma. We were told to remain cautiously optimistic, and, they really couldn't tell us how things would turn out. I was released to an OB and was also seen by a perinatologist. I continued to bleed on and off during the pregnancy. When we did see the perinatologist, he was optimistic because the hematoma looked "old". No one really made it all seem like a big deal. I was pretty much taking it easy the whole time. Not a lot of exercise and activity. Just chilling.

I had another scary bleeding episode on November 12th that would change our lives forever. I bled a lot that day. I was told by the OB that saw me that day that it was all from a polyp and to take it easy. I did. The bleeding seemed to ease. I went back in the next week because a test they ran got messed up and they wanted to do it again-that test botch-up was obviously meant to be. It was meant to be that I went to the OB on November 19th. The day they noticed that there was NO fluid remaining around the baby. None. The day I learned that my baby would be going to heaven and never spend a second here with us on this earth. The day I learned I would need to be induced. One of the worst days of my life. You can read more about these days in some of the blog posts below if you are interested. So many feelings, I cannot even begin to summarize them all here.

Christmas day will be 5 weeks out. The pain is so fresh and so real. Some days I walk around in a daze. Other days I seem okay. I know life goes on. I just hate that it is going on without our son in it. There are so many things that were "supposed" to be; so many hopes and dreams. Now, we just feel a little lost.

Today was supposed to be filled with eager anticipation

I just realized that today was the day that we were supposed to be at the high risk OB office for our anatomy scan and cervical check. I had taken 1/2 the day off for this appointment. Today we should be getting the awesome scan of his heart and brain and parts that we had too early. Today was the day we were supposed to get the results of the gender tucked neatly away in an envelope or box to open next week at Christmas together as a family. Today was supposed to be another new day of possibilities. Instead, today is filled with more heartache.

One word

Blah.

I've been feeling pretty good physically. But, sometimes I just feel so low and blah. Night is soooooooooooo bad. I guess because I am not keeping my mind as busy as during the day? I loathe night time now and the darkness it brings. And, I can't sleep well. My mind just races. The anxiety meds I am on doesn't seem to be helping much with that. Though, it does seem to be helping with the overwhelming anxiety I was experiencing. I'm not sure I want to add any sleeping meds to the mix. Any suggestions on a natural remedy? I write now to clear my mind...in hopes that I can get some rest!

I'm scared of the return of my endo. I am naively hoping that the pregnancy hormones helped a good bit in there and things will take a while to return full force. These thoughts and thoughts of when we will be able to try again (and, if/when we'll want to) dance instead of sugarplums in my head. Too much to think about.

When I do sleep...I mostly have nightmares, involving some sort of tragedy. Not good times at all.

Blah. Indeed.

3 Weeks

And the countdown continues. I just realized Christmas DAY will be 5 weeks since we lost our son. So strange to think if he had made it just to Christmas, this might be a different life we are living. Who knows though. You can't drive yourself insane with the what if's. It doesn't change anything. I really try to desperately push those thoughts out of my mind. I can't, however, stop imagining how things would have been with our sweet angel here on earth with us.

Sleep still continues to elude me some. My husband and I were both up very late last night/early this morning. No sleep+anxiety does not make for a pleasant Allison. I am going to try to nap here in a bit. Might as well get it where I can!

We have an apt set up with the RE. We aren't ready to make any decisions right now, but, just wanted to sit down and talk with her about what our options might be next year. And, to start keeping tabs on this endometrioma. I'm very down thinking about our "options". We have maxed out on the fertility coverage with our insurance; and I can't switch to mine until 2011 because the "Open Enrollment" period is over for both my company and my husbands. So, no coverage for 2010 on fertility treatments. I don't know where this will put us. We do have two beauties in the freezer. I know FET's can be considerably cheaper, so, we will most likely look into this if needed. I guess we'll need to sit down with the financial counselor as well and start to crunch numbers.

So, just want to stay ahead of the game and go ahead and talk with my RE. I also want to see about some testing on this loss. My OB said it wasn't necessary because there wasn't a "demise" of the baby per-se. My water broke, that's why there wasn't any fluid, and that's why Wyatt didn't make it (even though it hasn't been determined WHY it all happened and what was up with my ever growing hematoma despite the constant bleeding). It wasn't as if we went in with everything had been honkey dorey the rest of the pregnancy and then all of a sudden there was no heartbeat. Apparently that is a different story? That and this was my "first" loss (my other was a "chemical"-I hate that term). They usually do these tests after two losses. Um, I'm sorry, a 2nd trimester loss is a big deal. The statistics on losing your baby in the 2nd trimester and after is SOOOOOOOO very low. So, why isn't this a bigger deal? Anyway, I believe that my RE will agree with me...and, if not, I may like her explanation better. All I am asking for is a blood test!!! We'll see.

We miss you Wyatt. Thank you for touching our hearts and our lives.

Big green monster

Hello envy. I wish you'd go away now. I'm done with you. I've never liked you. We've never been friends. I usually stay very far away from you. Yet, here you are, creeping into my thoughts.

My food for thought this evening:

• Why do I personally know 4 people that are having babies within 1-2 weeks of Wyatt's "due date"? That's 4 friends that will all have children right around what age Wyatt should have been. A haunting reminder every time I see those children?!?!
• Why is everyone having BOYS?!?!? The 4 people mentioned above and many other bloggers (also due around when I was). Would it make me feel better if it were girls?

I am not this person. Envy, it's time for you to go. I cannot live my life like this for sure!!! Just hoping you are a temporary fixture in the cycle of healing.

Fa-la-la-la-laaaaa, la-la-la-laaaaaa

Here's our attempt at being festive ;)

Wyatt has several ornaments on the tree, which makes us smile
(and obviously sad as well)

I am not really in the mood to be festive, but, at the same time...it's who I am. I'm ALWAYS the festive one. We broke down and bought this small tree. I'm so glad we did. We got to hang some ornaments we got in Wyatt's memory from friends (including some of my blogging friends!). They are our most cherished right now for sure!

We also got some new furniture delivered today. We found it several months ago but decided to hold off because of all the things we knew we needed for the baby. Well, since our loss, we decided why NOT! We got a good deal the day after Thanksgiving and they delivered it today. I call it my consolation "prize".

Sleep is still a funny thing, but, last night I finally got a good portion of it! I got some anti-anxiety meds from the OB the other day and it definitely helped. I've taken these meds before a few years back. So, we'll see how they work. Still going from doing okay one second to bawling the next. Gotta love these hormones!

One last note. Don't try to go get a "sassy" new 'do when you are depressed. Cause, no matter what it really looks like, you'll inevitably hate it ;) I'm trying to embrace it...but, it's just not what I was expecting! Oh well.

Sleep is not my friend; C&P from my other blog

Here is a post I wrote last night:

So strange going from being pregnant and SO EXHAUSTED one day...to completely restless and sleepless the next (without the "up all night with the baby" reason). I don't think I've been to bed before 12AM since the day we found out we were going to lose our baby. Here I am, at 11:30 just typing away. Hoping to clear my head and get some rest. Weston is actually asleep before me tonight; which normally would be an unusual occurrence. I cannot shut off my mind. It wanders. Sometimes wandering is okay, but, not this type of wandering. The "what if", "why", anger, hurt, peace, blessings and the roller coaster of emotions that fill my day swirl around in my head. It's quite dizzy-ing!

Now, I don't walk around aimless and hopeless all day long. We are trying to get back into life. It's too short. I don't want to miss it! But, we have our moments.; and each day brings on new challenges. Mine mostly seem to be at night recently. That's when the hurt comes...when my brain won't shut off and rest. It is continuously thinking about Wyatt. The moments we had. The moments we wish we would have had. I wonder what color eyes he would have had? What color would his hair have been? Would it have been curly and full like his father's? How it would feel to hold him just a little longer? How would it feel to still be pregnant? What if we can't have any more?

I sat staring at the Christmas tree we broke down and bought tonight. I want to be festive. That's who I am!!! I know Wyatt would want that too. But, it's so hard. Christmas was supposed to bring so many wonderful things this year, including the end to the surprise about what we were expecting. Weston wanted to have the OB's office seal the ultrasound pictures and write down what our beautiful bundle was. We were going to open it Christmas day with our families and celebrate together. Looking at the tree kinda hurts. It just reminds me of the milestones we won't be reaching with this pregnancy.

I also find myself remember the "bad" parts of the delivery day. I was so scared. Angry, scared and hurt. I try to look back and be thankful for the whole experience. I was so proud when he was delivered. I looked up at Weston and said "I did it. I really did it". I was so proud to be a mommy and to see my son. I want to remember all the beautiful things that happened that day. My mom and grandmother were there and they got to hold him. Weston and I had our private time with him. Weston baptized him. We kissed him. I rocked him. All those beautiful things I want to remember and never forget! Without that delivery, we would have never met him.

Tonight I write these things to clear my heart and mind so maybe I can find some rest. My whole body needs this rest. I need to heal, emotionally as well as physically. I need you sleep! Please oh please be my friend. At least for a few hours at a time? That's all I'm asking. Just enough to get this body back in gear and my heart back on track.

2 weeks

I wonder at what point you get to where you aren't constantly counting backwards to such a sad day. I wonder when Friday will be exciting again.

Doing okay today. I'm just now starting to feel sore inside (physically). I haven't been feeling well since the procedure, but, I was on some medication to clamp down my uterus and it just made me feel so gross. My last dose was early this morning, thank goodness. Still feeling the effects from it though. Just hoping it's doing it's thing. I'm also on some antibiotics that my stomach aren't a fan of. Gotta remember to eat when I take those! I tried to tidy up a little today and realized already I've done too much. So, trying to chill again.

Today and yesterday my hubby went back to work. The feelings of loneliness are sinking in. Just part of the process, I know. Just trying to take it one day at a time. Some moments are easier than others. Last night I was so upset with my body..."Why am I so sore" and wondering if I'll ever feel as good as I did when I was pregnant; frustrated with the thoughts of feeling like crap all the time again. Yes, I was constantly nauseated and my back was pretty sore...but hell, I'll take those symptoms ANY DAY over constantly feeling my ovaries and dreading every body "movements" because they are so painful. It was a blissfully happy and healthy pregnancy, aside from the obvious bleeding. I don't know if it was because I had something else to concentrate on and work towards (something outside of my self)...but it was the most most amazing 18 weeks of my life and I miss it.

I really have a new appreciation for the phrase, one day at a time.

D&E

I actually had a D&E today. Sounds the same, right? Pretty much the same in what they needed to do today. They used a vacum to get out the extra tissue and did some light scraping of the wall of the uterus.

I'm home now. Feeling quite nauseated when I try to eat. So, just sticking to liquids mostly tonight and crackers.

Thanks for all of the thoughts and prayers. Hoping this will be the beginning of all the healing!

Thought for the day

We r here now about to go in. Have to be here 2 hours before. Ugh. Last time I was here (august 1st), they created a life, my son Wyatt, inside of me via IVF. Today they are cleaning the remaining tissue from that pregnancy from me. Sucks.

I hate all of this.

D&C

My D&C is scheduled for tomorrow at 12:30. The meds didn't expel enough of the tissue. Please send more prayers this way. I'm a little nervous. I know it's a pretty simple procedure. But, really, shouldn't ALL of this have been a little easier?