What a beautiful day...to expel some tissue?!?

I have to administer some meds tonight to try to expel some extra tissue (ie placenta). If it doesn't work I'm having a D&C tomorrow or Weds.

Will this nightmare ever end?!?

We opted to try the meds first because I am ever so tired of having surgery. I've had 4 surgical procedures thus far, since March: 1 laparoscopy, 1 hysteroscopy, 2 IVF egg retrievals. The surgery might be "easier", but, I don't want to risk the scar tissue.

This med has about a 60% efectiveness. You all know how I feel about statistics these days. I'm always the minority 1-2% it seems lately.

Oh, more good news? I have a "small" endometrioma on my right ovary. Bastard. Pap came back negative though. My silver lining of the day-no cancer.

The OBs office was really emotional. I hated being there.

Keep your fingers crossed. We are waiting on a stat CBC to see how my hemoglobin is (checking for anemia). If that's okay, we've got the clear to admin the meds this evening.

Slightly freaking out here. And definitely mentally exhausted! I just want my Wyatt back. All of this and no baby?

Ouch!

Physically, I feel awful. I am having terrible GI issues (incredibly painful gas-TMI, sorry) and esophageal problems. Perhaps from stress? Awfully familiar to a time when my endo was at it's worst. My abdomen is also terribly tender. So, OB issues or endo?!? I am going to the OBGYN tomorrow for a follow-up to my ER visit the other night. I've still been bleeding very strangely. But, perhaps this is my body's "norm". I'm hoping so...I don't need anything else going on. But, I passed 4 grape sized clots (golf ball is the alarming size apparently) and today didn't bleed much until a little while ago. It's almost as if these blood clots form...hang out for a bit then come out in droves, along with the blood. Not sure if that is normal. I know that clots are-it's the body's way of repairing where the placenta came away from the uterus. But, not sure if this is how it normally goes?

I've got a slew of questions ready for the OB. Including a request for more testing. If Wes and I plan on trying for another baby (which I assume one day I'll be ready for), then I'd like to check out everything before we head down that road. Not only is all of this emotionally investing....but financially as well. We can't go through this again for it to end the same if it's something that can possibly be prevented. I already have infertility issues (can't make them or keep them!); we just need to make sure we are equipped with whatever we can if there is something that can be done to prevent a similar thing in the future.

Tomorrow my family is heading back home and we will be alone for the first time since all of this happened. I know it'll be good for us to have this time together, but, I'm also very scared. Moving on to another phase of grief...

The pain is still so fresh

It's been a week now since the process to give birth to our son began. Tonight at 8:45 will be exactly one week since we met our son. My gut is wrenching. My heart is heavy. I miss our Wyatt. I don't understand why we had to say goodbye so early.

Yesterday was particularly difficult. We are so thankful for so many things in our lives. Yet, I felt so thankless yesterday and angry. I know Wyatt is in a better place now, but, I am selfish and I want him back. I need him back! How can I be thankful that the life I was preparing inside of me is gone? I am obviously thankful for the chance to have had time with our son-to hold him, love him, hug him, kiss him. I'm just not thankful we had to let him go.

Last night was another stab in the gut...literally. I started cramping very badly yesterday afternoon. By 7:30/8 PM the blood started just "pouring". This was alarming for us because fortunately (or unfortunately) I had not bled much, if any up until that point. After I soaked a pad I called the OB's office and they wanted me to head to the ER for an ultrasound.

We got there a little before 11 and left at 3. Such a long and agonizing process. I hate ER's! They drew blood, did a pelvic exam then an ultrasound. The PA extracted a large clot that he said had tissue on it...which obviously made me very nervous. The ultrasound looked okay though in that there wasn't any remaining placenta. So, maybe my body is just slow and didn't decide to bleed until last night? Who knows. I guess I'm just a bleeder. I got a prescription for some pain meds (thank goodness because I am not feeling better today either) and we headed home.

So, I am obviously thankful that everything is okay. Yet, still so empty and in pain. This pain I should not be feeling now.

We miss you Wyatt. We love you.

Care package

Please see the newest button on my right sidebar for "Tears for my baby". My husband and I received a wonderful care package today from Yaya. I cannot believe the support we have received from "strangers" (although, I feel like I know a lot of my blogging buddies). Thank you so much Yaya for the wonderful gift and for reaching out! The picture above was part of the package as well. We just love it!

If you, or someone you know has suffered a pregnancy loss, infant loss, or adoption loss and needs uplifting during this tragic time, please visit the site and contact Yaya.

In loving memory of Wyatt

The prayer service was SO amazing today! Father Toole and Deacon King led the service. Rita from the bereavement ministry at church put it all together for us; I am so thankful that we didn't have to worry about arranging everything. The church and it's ministries have been such a blessing for us during this time. I am so thankful for everything everyone from there has done for us. Strangers-reaching out their hearts to help the peace in ours. Touching.

I don't even know how to begin to describe the service. There were three readings. Weston's brother Nathan did one of them for us. We weren't prepared to see if family wanted to do the readings; so Rita did another and a dear blessing Megan (from the Elizabeth ministry who came to the hospital with Wyatt's beautiful gown) did the other. There was no music but the silence was actually quite lovely and gave us time to say some prayers and just have our hearts be still and be with God and with Wyatt.

Father Toole gave an amazing sermon-it was so personal. He is such a wonderful speaker. We are so thankful that he was there today. He spoke about Wyatt being in peace with God; and that through this tragedy that Weston and I should really go back to our vows to one another for comfort. "In sickness and in health" and the promises we made to one another to be there for each other and to lift each other up everyday. We are so blessed to have each other to lean on through all of this, in addition to all of our family and friends. Wyatt is with God and in heaven; and we are comforted to know he is at peace in his new home. He is not suffering. He is looking down on us and Father Toole said Wyatt is proud of his parents for being there for one another. He also spoke of how special it was for Weston to have baptized Wyatt after his birth in the hospital. Something we will always be able to hold closely to our hearts, especially for Weston as something between father and son.

At the end of the service, Weston and I sprinkled holy water over Wyatt's ashes. We walked together with his ashes and Weston placed them under the tabernacle for now to be close to Jesus.

Father Toole echoed the words we already knew-that we will always be parents. And Wyatt will always be our son. I will always be a mother. Weston will always be a father. We love that and will cherish it forever. As much as we wish he was here with us, we are glad that he is not suffering in any way. We would love nothing more than to have Wyatt still in my tummy growing and developing. But, we know that he is in a wonderful place. The same peace that we saw on our son's beautiful face we are trying desperately to feel in our hearts. We know that time will help bring that peace. For now we are holding on to our memories and the beautiful words that were spoken today in memory and honor of our son, Wyatt Landry.

On the small pedestal right in the front is where our son's ashes were during the service

This was the beautiful arrangement that my coworkers sent that was at the service

We took the flowers and rearranged them
The initialed angels are from some good friends Megan and Jonathan

This is just creul..and other ramblings...

Seriously? Am I REALLY going to lactate? It's hard enough to have these empty arms. Now I'm going to have nourishment pouring from my body with no son to benefit from it? My breasts are huge and knotted right now. I spoke with my OB about this earlier today and know what to do to "help". But, I don't think that anything with "help" emotionally with this new tiding. Tiding? Yeah, sorry...I don't really know WHAT to call it.

Seriously. That is just cruel. I need a break. I'm tired-physically and emotionally. I may seem strong sometimes, but I'm not. Writing helps me. It does. Thank you for listening to my rambling and for allowing me to share my world with you. If I couldn't share Wyatt...I'm not sure WHERE I would be right now. I have kept his pictures private, but, his other memories I cannot keep tucked away. It would not be fair for him. It would not be fair for us. So, again, thank you for letting me ramble and talk about all of this as I journey through it.

I've had a lot of comments from other women who have been through loss and also similar situations. Thank you so much for reaching out. It means a lot. It really means a lot that ALL OF YOU have reached out like you have. It's so amazing to feel so loved...even by people I do not know. Thank you.

I couldn't do this without my family, friends, and ALL of you amazing commentors (is this not a word? I'm just tired I guess!). God Bless you all!

A few things we have to remember...

My last belly shot on 11-19-2009

Flowers from family and friends and our memory box from the hospital

Wyatt's beautiful footprints

Gown and bonnet brought to us from the church

He was so perfect

This is a copy from our other blog:

Little Wyatt Landry was perfect. He had my nose and the rest of him looked like Weston. His skin was traumatized from birth. You could still see through some of it. His eyes were fused shut. He had the most beautiful fingers and toes-complete with the tiniest toenails and fingernails you've ever seen. You could see the peace on his face. We needed to see that. He was the most peaceful angel we've ever seen or imagined to see. He never took a breath in this world. He was born breach and the whole process took about 8 1/2 hours after they started the induction. I did end up having to push quite a bit since he was breach. I was so terrified. Weston was there to hold my hand and we had two wonderful nurses there helping me.

We had some beautiful gowns (they brought one for a boy and a girl since we didn't know until he as born) that were brought to us from the church that were made from donated wedding dresses. It came with a beautifully crocheted blanket as well-I slept with it last night. The girl that brought them is part of a ministry at church-she had to deliver her two babies at 20 weeks and knows loss all too well.

They dressed him for us after they cleaned him and we spent almost three beautiful hours with him. It was absolutely the worst day of our lives...and the most amazing at the same time. We got to hold him. Weston baptized him. It was awesome. They had a camera and we were able to get a few pictures for our memory box. They took little prints of his feet too. He was never weighed or measured. According to my corresponding weeks, he was about 7 ounces and about 5 1/2 inches long. It was the hardest thing imaginable when it was time for him to leave our arms. The funeral home came and he was cremated sometime this morning.

It was even harder leaving the hospital today with empty arms. When you are pregnant and expecting a child, you have so many plans for your life as a family together. You have dreams of your nursery; the toys and joys of those first years of your lives together. I imagined it was a boy; a wonderfully loving playmate for Weston. I imagined the leggos and transformers we could play with; and the computer and video games he and his daddy would play together. We had to leave the hospital today without that dream. There should have been a carseat in the back. There should have been cries from his little lungs. A joyful noise that we will never hear from his lips.

We are having a small, private prayer service on Tuesday to remember his short, beautiful life.

This is the hardest thing we've ever done or dealt with in our lives. All the physical pain in the world could never begin to describe our hurt and sorrow. We know time will heal. We have been through so much in these past three years of marriage. If you ask me, it's a little more than one couple should bear. 2 1/2 years of infertility. Two successful IVF cycles-both ending with loss. I'm not sure why we are being put through such hurt and sorrow. I'm not sure how two people are supposed to keep on keeping on after so much. But, we will. We have, and we will.

For now, we are going in to a safe, dark hole and grieve together. God Bless all of our friends and family and even the strangers out there who have sent their amazing support and love. We cannot do this without you. Please allow us time to cry, to talk about our loving angel, and just help to offer a shoulder for us to cry on. If we don't call or email you back, we still appreciate your calls and for reaching out to us. Please continue to pray for us and for our angel. We need the peace in our hearts to carry on in this world without our son.

Heaven is blessed tonight

Wyatt Landry Dyer was born at 8:45 PM (eST). we love our sweet angel boy. the most precious angel heaven has seen! We were with him about 3 hours and we said goodbye. He was so perfect and we are so glad for the chance to have met him.

God bless you all for your words of comfort and stregth. Its been so amazing to see so many good people out there.

Hold your loved ones tight tonight!

Thoughts and prayers are needed

We found out today that at some point between last week and this week I've lost all my amniotic fluid around the baby. It happened some time when I was bleeding and we just didn't know. Tomorrow I will deliver my 18 week old baby via induction and we will say goodbye. Please pray for us during this time as we are going through this process and this loss.

Thankful

Can one be THANKFUL for endometriosis? Well, maybe not the disease itself, but, maybe the experiences that I have encountered because of it? I am not normally a "calm" person. I'm a worrier by nature...always have been. I think because of the things I've gone through in the past few years, I've gotten a little better with my worry! And, I think I am more grateful for the things that one SHOULD be grateful for, but, that most may take for granted sometimes. I'm not perfect, by ANY means. I still have "woe is me" moments, but, I have those personal experiences to reflect on and realize it's not so bad.

We had another fright this week when I started bleeding like crazy (soaked through two pads in 45 minutes before we got to the OB's office) and cramping. Everything turned out to be "okay". Seems I have a growth in my cervix that is the culprit. They did a pap and we are currently waiting on the results of that. If that comes back abnormal, I'll have to have a biopsy done to remove the growth and send it off to path. If the bleeding doesn't stop soon, they'll have to cauterize the area. In the meantime I'm in "take it easy" mode as to not irritate the area further. While I am definitely concerned by all of this, I've mainted this odd sense of calmness that I can only attribute to having gone through so many "unknowns" in the past with my endo. The baby is fine and completely oblivious to the chaos that surrounds it.

So, while I am NOT thankful for endometriosis, I am thankful for my strength and attitude that has come from my past experiences. As the time of being "thankful" approaches, what is one thing you are thankful for in your life?

Sorry I'm so out of touch!

It's been insanely hectic around here these days. Between the house being on the market, work just exploding lately and our normal, regular, crazy lives...I've hardly had any computer time. I try to keep up on my blackberry, but, a lot of times it's hard to comment from there.

Thanks for all the comments on my last post! Things are going well here it seems. Endo pain has been pretty minimal thus far in my pregnancy, which pleases me greatly. I have VERY strong pulling feelings a lot when I sit for long periods of time that cause me to catch my breath. And, similar pains in my ribs that my endo would cause. But, all in all, very minimal and I can't complain. I try not to anyway :) I am being followed by a high risk OB in addition to my regular OB. Because of the hematoma and my endometriosis history, I am considered "higher risk" for pre-term labor. I'm glad to be watched over so carefully though, it's reassuring!

I'm hoping to catch up this week/weekend on everything and everyone. I'm going to try anyway!!!