Get your pee pee on

LOL. That's the motto around our house right now. Tomorrow is Day10, and time to starting peeing on some sticks. I don't usually ovulate until days 14-16, so, the LH surge probably won't be until next week. We'll see! Hurdle #1 is fast approaching-gotta pass the lining and progesterone test!!!

Oh, and this time they prescribed a cream for the progesterone (for after LH surge)? Anyone have any experience with this goop?! Just wondering what to expect!

Shhhh...here we go

Today is Day 3-baseline US and BW. Natural FET. This may really be happening. Fingers crossed this body can do it's thing. That's hurdle #1. One.step.at.a.time.

Also, endometrioma update-there's one there as I suspected and it's about 2.6cm. I knew it, they just never really told me until today. I'm thankful it's not any bigger though and not causing many problems at the moment. It's the little things that fill my cup with joy.

Here's to hoping...

A weird day

I know I said I wasn't going to write, but, I guess the time has come to where I am feeling the need...

I had a really weird day today. I went in this AM for some monitoring at my RE's office. They were checking to see if my lining was nice and thick (they want it to be over 6 mm, today mine was 7.5, during my IVF it was 10) and checking on my progesterone. The results? "Perfect". Excuse me? Of COURSE it's perfect...because we aren't attempting anything treatment-wise. But, nonetheless, we have a pass for a natural FET cycle whenever we are ready. Still unsure of when that will be. That's where a good bit of the stress came from today. Sensibly, it seems we should wait until October. But, all you infertiles out there know how painful that many months can seem! It's even WORSE TTC'ing after a loss. Making the wait THAT much more painful. We'll see how it goes. However it happens, I need to learn to be at peace with the when. It's just hard since my mind is still wondering on the IF. Will they thaw properly?! With only two, some days it feels like the odds are against me. Maybe not though. I was deemed "perfect" today, cycle wise. Stranger things have happened!

The hardest part of the day was the room I was in was the room where we saw and heard Wyatt's heartbeat for the first time at 6 weeks. I remember laying there crying tears of joy to hear such a wonderful noise. Today I just laid there, emotionless and broken, looking at my empty uterus. Sucks!!!! So gut wrenching painful!!! We are coming up on 7 MONTHS this weekend. On Fathers Day. Word.

Oooops! And, hello for now.

I went to moderate the latest comments, and rejected them all accidentally when I was only trying to reject 2 of them. ;) Sorry about that y'all!!!

Deciding to post this evening. We've been on vacation and it was so nice to get away. It was only for 3 days, but, it was just what the Dr. ordered. I was a different person when I was away! Part of that person came back home with me, and, then the "new" old me crept back in. I still have my gut wrenching moments, but, most days are better. I am still jealous of pregnant people. I wish they wouldn't complain about silly little things or take things for granted so much. But, people could probably say that about anyone, pregnant or not.

One day at a time. One second. One moment.

Right now I'm in the midst of being "monitored" by my RE. I'm using ovulation predictor tests to detect a LH surge. I'm so damn tired of peeing on these sticks!!! I need that smiley face already!!! ;) Once detected, I'll start with blood work and ultrasounds to check out my uterine lining in an unmedicated cycle to see if we can proceed with a natural FET in the next few months. We are going to wait until after the summer and after we move into our new house (which will be done in early September). The waiting just may kill me...or, make me change my mind. But, that's kinda where we are right now.

I've been stalking blogs and noticed a lot of success stories going on out there. Very uplifting to see. Hopefully one day here will be a success story here as well!

My husband is the greatest

I was having a weird day today-it's the last day of my twenties and I've been missing Wyatt like crazy lately. It feels weird having this birthday without him. We had plans...and they included our newest addition to our family. An extremely handsome delivery man came to my work and brought me flowers and a balloon. And a hug! What a wonderful way to start out the week. I love you so much Wes. Thank you thank you!!!!

Blogging break

I haven't been on much lately because I've needed a blogging break. Me time. Trying to focus my life on the positives in this down time has been hard. Harping on my endo and infertility hadn't been really helping. So, during our move and while we wait on our new house, I've decided to be scarce.

I hate endo and infertility. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how different our life would be right now with Wyatt. I turn 30 in a little over a week. 30 isn't old, I know. Today, it just feels like it. Infertility has aged me.

I'm trying really hard to NOT think about getting pregnant every month. My blogging absence has helped some with that, and, another reason to take a breather.

I won't stop completely. I'll be around. Just need to find my old positivity and zest!!! I miss it. I will not let endo and infertility steal that from me.

All ramblings from a tiny cell phone keyboard. Hope you all are well!

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this
God I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!

~Author unknown