Big green monster

Hello envy. I wish you'd go away now. I'm done with you. I've never liked you. We've never been friends. I usually stay very far away from you. Yet, here you are, creeping into my thoughts.

My food for thought this evening:

• Why do I personally know 4 people that are having babies within 1-2 weeks of Wyatt's "due date"? That's 4 friends that will all have children right around what age Wyatt should have been. A haunting reminder every time I see those children?!?!
• Why is everyone having BOYS?!?!? The 4 people mentioned above and many other bloggers (also due around when I was). Would it make me feel better if it were girls?

I am not this person. Envy, it's time for you to go. I cannot live my life like this for sure!!! Just hoping you are a temporary fixture in the cycle of healing.

Fa-la-la-la-laaaaa, la-la-la-laaaaaa

Here's our attempt at being festive ;)

Wyatt has several ornaments on the tree, which makes us smile
(and obviously sad as well)

I am not really in the mood to be festive, but, at the same time...it's who I am. I'm ALWAYS the festive one. We broke down and bought this small tree. I'm so glad we did. We got to hang some ornaments we got in Wyatt's memory from friends (including some of my blogging friends!). They are our most cherished right now for sure!

We also got some new furniture delivered today. We found it several months ago but decided to hold off because of all the things we knew we needed for the baby. Well, since our loss, we decided why NOT! We got a good deal the day after Thanksgiving and they delivered it today. I call it my consolation "prize".

Sleep is still a funny thing, but, last night I finally got a good portion of it! I got some anti-anxiety meds from the OB the other day and it definitely helped. I've taken these meds before a few years back. So, we'll see how they work. Still going from doing okay one second to bawling the next. Gotta love these hormones!

One last note. Don't try to go get a "sassy" new 'do when you are depressed. Cause, no matter what it really looks like, you'll inevitably hate it ;) I'm trying to embrace it...but, it's just not what I was expecting! Oh well.

Sleep is not my friend; C&P from my other blog

Here is a post I wrote last night:

So strange going from being pregnant and SO EXHAUSTED one day...to completely restless and sleepless the next (without the "up all night with the baby" reason). I don't think I've been to bed before 12AM since the day we found out we were going to lose our baby. Here I am, at 11:30 just typing away. Hoping to clear my head and get some rest. Weston is actually asleep before me tonight; which normally would be an unusual occurrence. I cannot shut off my mind. It wanders. Sometimes wandering is okay, but, not this type of wandering. The "what if", "why", anger, hurt, peace, blessings and the roller coaster of emotions that fill my day swirl around in my head. It's quite dizzy-ing!

Now, I don't walk around aimless and hopeless all day long. We are trying to get back into life. It's too short. I don't want to miss it! But, we have our moments.; and each day brings on new challenges. Mine mostly seem to be at night recently. That's when the hurt comes...when my brain won't shut off and rest. It is continuously thinking about Wyatt. The moments we had. The moments we wish we would have had. I wonder what color eyes he would have had? What color would his hair have been? Would it have been curly and full like his father's? How it would feel to hold him just a little longer? How would it feel to still be pregnant? What if we can't have any more?

I sat staring at the Christmas tree we broke down and bought tonight. I want to be festive. That's who I am!!! I know Wyatt would want that too. But, it's so hard. Christmas was supposed to bring so many wonderful things this year, including the end to the surprise about what we were expecting. Weston wanted to have the OB's office seal the ultrasound pictures and write down what our beautiful bundle was. We were going to open it Christmas day with our families and celebrate together. Looking at the tree kinda hurts. It just reminds me of the milestones we won't be reaching with this pregnancy.

I also find myself remember the "bad" parts of the delivery day. I was so scared. Angry, scared and hurt. I try to look back and be thankful for the whole experience. I was so proud when he was delivered. I looked up at Weston and said "I did it. I really did it". I was so proud to be a mommy and to see my son. I want to remember all the beautiful things that happened that day. My mom and grandmother were there and they got to hold him. Weston and I had our private time with him. Weston baptized him. We kissed him. I rocked him. All those beautiful things I want to remember and never forget! Without that delivery, we would have never met him.

Tonight I write these things to clear my heart and mind so maybe I can find some rest. My whole body needs this rest. I need to heal, emotionally as well as physically. I need you sleep! Please oh please be my friend. At least for a few hours at a time? That's all I'm asking. Just enough to get this body back in gear and my heart back on track.

2 weeks

I wonder at what point you get to where you aren't constantly counting backwards to such a sad day. I wonder when Friday will be exciting again.

Doing okay today. I'm just now starting to feel sore inside (physically). I haven't been feeling well since the procedure, but, I was on some medication to clamp down my uterus and it just made me feel so gross. My last dose was early this morning, thank goodness. Still feeling the effects from it though. Just hoping it's doing it's thing. I'm also on some antibiotics that my stomach aren't a fan of. Gotta remember to eat when I take those! I tried to tidy up a little today and realized already I've done too much. So, trying to chill again.

Today and yesterday my hubby went back to work. The feelings of loneliness are sinking in. Just part of the process, I know. Just trying to take it one day at a time. Some moments are easier than others. Last night I was so upset with my body..."Why am I so sore" and wondering if I'll ever feel as good as I did when I was pregnant; frustrated with the thoughts of feeling like crap all the time again. Yes, I was constantly nauseated and my back was pretty sore...but hell, I'll take those symptoms ANY DAY over constantly feeling my ovaries and dreading every body "movements" because they are so painful. It was a blissfully happy and healthy pregnancy, aside from the obvious bleeding. I don't know if it was because I had something else to concentrate on and work towards (something outside of my self)...but it was the most most amazing 18 weeks of my life and I miss it.

I really have a new appreciation for the phrase, one day at a time.

D&E

I actually had a D&E today. Sounds the same, right? Pretty much the same in what they needed to do today. They used a vacum to get out the extra tissue and did some light scraping of the wall of the uterus.

I'm home now. Feeling quite nauseated when I try to eat. So, just sticking to liquids mostly tonight and crackers.

Thanks for all of the thoughts and prayers. Hoping this will be the beginning of all the healing!

Thought for the day

We r here now about to go in. Have to be here 2 hours before. Ugh. Last time I was here (august 1st), they created a life, my son Wyatt, inside of me via IVF. Today they are cleaning the remaining tissue from that pregnancy from me. Sucks.

I hate all of this.

D&C

My D&C is scheduled for tomorrow at 12:30. The meds didn't expel enough of the tissue. Please send more prayers this way. I'm a little nervous. I know it's a pretty simple procedure. But, really, shouldn't ALL of this have been a little easier?