I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!





Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Endo SUCKS

Yep. It does. Hormones suck too.

To be honest, I haven't felt worth a crap since I've had my son. Parenting is hard. Parenting when you arent 100% is even harder. But, I keep on telling myself things will get better. Things will even out. I finally got a Dr. to listen to me and run bloodwork. Looks like my Vitamin D is crazy out of whack. I'm hoping among hope that a simple vitamin will do the trick. I have my doubts.

Then, when I've got my head all wrapped around that problem, here comes my period. Oh the post partum periods. The first was so bad I almost passed out a few times from blood loss. The next time it was a breeze. "I can handle this" I said. Ugh. Today I woke up with overwhelming nausea. And, cramps. Here it comes. With a vengeance.

I've been tracking my craptastic feelings lately. They seem strangely hormonally related. All my docs think I'm crazy for thinking that. It's like 3 weeks out of the month, ick. The other week, I'm feeling SO good!!!

I called back today and asked them to run some tests on the blood they already drew to check my hormones. Why is it so unimaginable that it's related to my new cycles? Hell, I've been trying to have a baby and/or been on endo treatments since 2007!!! I've been pregnant every year (3 times) since 2009!!! Why WOULDN'T my body be out of whack?

Let's not even talk about the crazy in the HEAD feelings my hormones bring!!! One minute, super mom, the next a fumbling psycho who doesn't feel competent or worthy.

I'm on the brink of getting Mirena. WHY am I thinking adding hormones will help even me out. Does that sound insane?!?!

HELP ME LADIES! I want to feel somewhat normal. Somewhat sane. I want to be a good mother. I love my son and my new family. Help me rationalize through this.

Love you blogging community.

13 comments:

Nadine said...

I'm on continuous bcp for endo, I can't leave my body to go through the cycle, every time I get a period, endo grows, and I get sicker, and I feel great on these pills for the most part (Yaz). Just a thought.

Jenny said...

Aw hunny I don't even know where to start. I've been very lucky in that I've only had two periods since Abbey was born *knocks on wood repeatedly* and they haven't been painful--a little heavy but manageable.

I'm so sorry yours are shitty. Is there any chance you are experiencing PPD or PPA? Hormones are a big factor in the depression and it can occur up to a year after giving birth...mine showed up days after birth but I know many women who get it later.
As for feeling worthy, please don't think you aren't. You have a beautiful baby who loves you and thinks you're the best!
I hope you feel better soon and please seek professional help if you start to show more signs of emotional distress...it's important to both you and your baby.

erin & eli windon said...

hormone fluctuations after a baby are difficult to deal with. Hormones after infertility and a baby, even worse. i too went through a hard time when i had my son 18 months ago. anxiety, and incompetence, and not bonding with him, not feeling 100% ever.
email me if you want to know more about how i got better.
here i am today, pregnant with #2 after the same fertility treatments, and this time those feelings and hormone fluctuations started in pregnancy. I can relate.
erinewindon@hotmail.com

Nicole said...

I have no advice other then keep on truckin'... it's what I'm trying to do. *hugs*

callmemama said...

Can you try the natural progesterone cream? It worked wonders for me! Sorry you're in so much pain :(.

amanda claire said...

Oh sweetie, I hate how doctors are so reluctant to even consider that this could all be related to your hormones when you clearly have problems with your periods and Endometriosis! It just seems insane, but they all seem to do it. I had the same thing when going through Hyperemesis. So I know that right now you're feeling a total mess (both physically and emotionally and mentally) and so wanted to let you know that this is normal (feeling confused and frustrated, not the whole feeling crap, if that makes sense?) You are going through, and have been through, some of the hardest things imaginable over the past few years and although you have got the most gorgeous son out of it and love him dearly (and, yes, are an AMAZING mum even when you doubt it) it doesn't make it any easier to cope with.

You're right, parenting is hard and doubly so when you are ill. I was so sick over Christmas and New Year and am even still nauseated, emotional and all the rest of the crap that comes with periods, because those post-partum ones are bad for everyone, let alone when you already have bad periods! So I know it's wrong that you have to fight for recognition of this in the first place, but do keep pushing for the tests and checks you feel you need.

As far as the Mirena is concerned, I had one for 5 year prior to TTC and it did wonders for stopping the bleeding (and so exhaustion from blood loss) but I still has cramps (though milder) and terrible emotional highs and lows. Because I didn't have a proper cycle it took me a good year to recognise that this was connected to the hormonal changes and I wasn't going mad. I would say having the Mirena was really helpful in that I didn't have the bleeding but it didn't make much of a difference in terms of the hormonal fluctuations that made me feel rubbish emotionally and gave me nausea and cramps.

I know this isn't really helping much, I just feel for you and wish I could give you a great big hug. I'm thinking of you and hope you get somewhere with the doctors soon xx

Melissa said...

You are totally normal in knowing that your hormones are out of whack! Endo and babies will do that!
I have found changing my diet made a huge difference. I know it sounds so simple but it does actually work! I cut out meat and dairy and gluten. Endo diet! Really good. Hope you feel better and great to find a fellow blogger online :)

[BeCaME] said...

Much love and support to you. Love, an endo sister.

Shalin said...

I just wanted to tell you thank you so much for sharing your story. I just went through our 2nd failed IVF and have been feeling so blue and alone all weekend. Then I found your blog and it gives me such hope. Not only for a successful pregnancy, but that someone else knows exactly how I feel when dealing with my Endo. I agree, IT SUCKS the big one!

Hugs and many prayers to you, your journey and your sweet babe!

Angela

Shalin said...

I just wanted to tell you thank you so much for sharing your story. I just went through our 2nd failed IVF and have been feeling so blue and alone all weekend. Then I found your blog and it gives me such hope. Not only for a successful pregnancy, but that someone else knows exactly how I feel when dealing with my Endo. I agree, IT SUCKS the big one!

Hugs and many prayers to you, your journey and your sweet babe!

Angela

Misty said...

Hi I am 32 I couldn't help but empathize with the pain and frustration that you are going through. I have been there too. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis over three years ago, and for most of those three years I have suffered excruciating pain, exhaustion, depression and so much more. But I am here today as a listening ear and a caring heart as a friend who understands how you feel. I have checked off all of the try this, and try that for ways to alleviate the pain, to feel better. I even had surgery to have my endo removed. But soon found it returned along with the pain and suffering ten fold... but I have good news! THE BEST NEWS YET!!! I am NO LONGER IN PAIN due to a natural supplement that I have been taking. I am not saying that this will work for you, or for anyone esle, but if you were at all like me, I was desperate to try ANYTHING to help the pain go away! And it's not only the pain that is going away, I am so much happier. It's hard to explain how truly amazing I feel But if you were at all like I was, desperate to find something other than another chemical to put into my body, Please visit my blog lifewithoutthepain.blogspot.com to learn more, or feel free to email me at olsenmist@yahoo.com. I am only sharing this because I truly care and I feel truly blessed that someone cared enough for me to share this "miracle" with me.

The Heart Of A Woman said...

I began following your blog after doing a google search for endometriosis blogs. I too suffer with endometriosis and infertility. Thank you for having the courage to write about the unseen disease. I read "The Endometriosis Survivor Letter Today," and I kept nodding in agreement to every word. The link is http://www.endo-resolved.com/support-files/endometriosis_survivors_letter.pdf
Thanks again

candyfloss said...

Hi I've been suffering for years with endo and I was lucky enough to conceive 2 beautiful children, but after each child my endo has got worse, with the biggest hormone imbalance, suffering from tiredness and depression one day then full of life and happiness the next I total understand how you feel! I'm sure your a great mum but it's just this illness that's getting in the way! I often get down about nobody understanding what it's like to live with endo because how do you explain that one day I'm happy then The next I'm tired but for no reason, I hate moaning and just wish I could be normal like everyone else! Take care, my thoughts are with you!