I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

A weird day

I know I said I wasn't going to write, but, I guess the time has come to where I am feeling the need...

I had a really weird day today. I went in this AM for some monitoring at my RE's office. They were checking to see if my lining was nice and thick (they want it to be over 6 mm, today mine was 7.5, during my IVF it was 10) and checking on my progesterone. The results? "Perfect". Excuse me? Of COURSE it's perfect...because we aren't attempting anything treatment-wise. But, nonetheless, we have a pass for a natural FET cycle whenever we are ready. Still unsure of when that will be. That's where a good bit of the stress came from today. Sensibly, it seems we should wait until October. But, all you infertiles out there know how painful that many months can seem! It's even WORSE TTC'ing after a loss. Making the wait THAT much more painful. We'll see how it goes. However it happens, I need to learn to be at peace with the when. It's just hard since my mind is still wondering on the IF. Will they thaw properly?! With only two, some days it feels like the odds are against me. Maybe not though. I was deemed "perfect" today, cycle wise. Stranger things have happened!

The hardest part of the day was the room I was in was the room where we saw and heard Wyatt's heartbeat for the first time at 6 weeks. I remember laying there crying tears of joy to hear such a wonderful noise. Today I just laid there, emotionless and broken, looking at my empty uterus. Sucks!!!! So gut wrenching painful!!! We are coming up on 7 MONTHS this weekend. On Fathers Day. Word.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Oooops! And, hello for now.

I went to moderate the latest comments, and rejected them all accidentally when I was only trying to reject 2 of them. ;) Sorry about that y'all!!!

Deciding to post this evening. We've been on vacation and it was so nice to get away. It was only for 3 days, but, it was just what the Dr. ordered. I was a different person when I was away! Part of that person came back home with me, and, then the "new" old me crept back in. I still have my gut wrenching moments, but, most days are better. I am still jealous of pregnant people. I wish they wouldn't complain about silly little things or take things for granted so much. But, people could probably say that about anyone, pregnant or not.

One day at a time. One second. One moment.

Right now I'm in the midst of being "monitored" by my RE. I'm using ovulation predictor tests to detect a LH surge. I'm so damn tired of peeing on these sticks!!! I need that smiley face already!!! ;) Once detected, I'll start with blood work and ultrasounds to check out my uterine lining in an unmedicated cycle to see if we can proceed with a natural FET in the next few months. We are going to wait until after the summer and after we move into our new house (which will be done in early September). The waiting just may kill me...or, make me change my mind. But, that's kinda where we are right now.

I've been stalking blogs and noticed a lot of success stories going on out there. Very uplifting to see. Hopefully one day here will be a success story here as well!

Monday, June 7, 2010

My husband is the greatest

I was having a weird day today-it's the last day of my twenties and I've been missing Wyatt like crazy lately. It feels weird having this birthday without him. We had plans...and they included our newest addition to our family. An extremely handsome delivery man came to my work and brought me flowers and a balloon. And a hug! What a wonderful way to start out the week. I love you so much Wes. Thank you thank you!!!!