I am 35 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I also struggled with PPD and now struggle with PMDD. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

"Gotta get your grieve on to get moving on"

That's a motto a friend and I came up with this week. This week with my diagnosis came a lot of hurt, anger, guilt, frustration...you name it. After I had time to process things, my brain just got overworked-tired-OVERWHELMED. I was throwing myself a little pity party-but was feeling guilty about feeling sorry for myself.

And I was tired of everyone telling me "it could be worse". OF COURSE it COULD be worse...but at the time you aren't really feeling that way. Just because it's not doesn't mean I can't be upset about it though. Doesn't mean it still doesn't suck and that I can't throw myself a little pity party right now. It sucks because I hurt; it sucks to think I might always have some kind of pain; sucks to think of the consequences of the meds that are recommended; sucks to think that my insides could be sticking together again at some point-and that they were at some point; sucks to think my days of surgical removal are probably not over; sucks to think we might have to stress over child bearing...ALL the WHAT IFS and COULD BE's. It just blows. I KNOW it could be worse, and I feel blessed and thankful it's not...but it still was a hard blow and just a lot to take in. I feel truly blessed that things aren't "worse"-but I guess it's just not what I wanted to hear at the time. We all do that though-and that's what friends are supposed to do-we are supposed to turn things to positive and help each other through difficult times. I know myself that I've said that many times to someone in an difficult situation. I appreciate all my friends and family-and again feel blessed to have them as a part of my life.

An insightful email from a friend was really inspiring to me, and I just wanted to share:

Yes--- THIS SUCKS. Feel free to shout it from the roof of your house if you want to….and feel free to shout it to me!

I could roll out the clichés….look on the bright side of things, things will get better, etc etc…but I wont. You have the right to be pissed and angry with the world right now. And you need to be to move on. You need to grieve the loss of how you imagined your life to be. I know it sounds crazy, but its like what you said….it sucks to think of all the treatments etc that might be ahead…but you need to grieve. Get it out all….come out with a clear head and then attack this thing like you know you can. Get the courage to face it head on, and be strong. Mind over matter (ok so there is a cliché for you!)…you know there are always miracles happening everyday….just because people try so hard to overcome things. But you need to get there first, and in order to do that you need to face the reality.

At this point I am still grieving a bit. But, I know I'll be ready to "move on" to deal with this soon. It's okay to feel bad-it's okay to be angry!!! It's all our natural responses...and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!!!

1 comment:

TheTodds said...

I'm proud of you! :)