Weird Weekend

It's been a really strange weekend. Very much full of ups and downs. I feel stuck in a rut. Stuck in a TTC rut I guess? Our lives revolve around trying to have a baby...and at the moment still dealing with varying issues about our angel baby son. I don't know how to relax. How to just "go with the flow". Having a baby is all I think about. Obsessive. And, since Wyatt, it's different too. The normal "woe is me" TTC feelings are coupled with anger. So, those negative pregnancy tests are even a bigger blow than they used to be.

Lots of thinking about our upcoming FET. "When is the right time". Really, is there a "right time"?!? Sure, you have to be emotionally ready. But, is that even 100% possible? I can answer that with certainty...NO. For us, waiting the process out would be more grueling than just giving it a go. Waiting 3, 6, 9 months from now isn't going to make a difference on how we are going to feel if this doesn't work out. But, waiting that long surely will draw out the anxieties. If it's not going to work out, I'd rather find out sooner than later. To us, waiting would be the most emotionally taxing of the options.

So, then, couple all these conflicts with the fact that we don't want to feel like we are trying to forget our son. We aren't. We just need to move along with our lives. But, some days that concept is easier than others to grasp.

This weekend was so strange. I need some new clothes...badly. I used to LOVE shopping. Yesterday was terrible. Because of my new body, most of my staples just aren't cutting it anymore. I've lost about 5 pounds so far, which is great, but, nothing is going to change my new shape. My hips spread with the pregnancy. That is definitely something I can do nothing about. But, it drives me insane to go shopping. I want new clothes, but, then I'm on the fence about spending good money on something because I want to be pregnant soon. I know I just need to go with the now, but, it's so hard. Then, I feel bad because I go back to knowing at this point in time, I should be shopping for more maternity clothes to clothe my ever changing belly. It's hard...so hard. I just had to give up yesterday. It was just too much.

I feel like we are constantly living our lives on the uncertain future. I want to live for today...I do. But, easier said than done. When that 2 WW starts, everything seems to be put on hold; from our new exercise routine (which I slack off on during the 2 WW "just in case"), to watching what I eat and drink and do on a daily basis. During that wait, I am constantly doing things "just in case". And, of course it would be totally worth it if that "just in case" became fact. But, it usually doesn't and you go back to square one when the rain of pain comes down. A cyclical rut.

Speaking of cyclical my period was very much interesting. I can tell I'm having issues similar to "back in the day". In particular my GI symptoms are definitely flaring back up. The heartburn, the pain, the nausea. And, now, the diarrhea and possible bleeding "there" associated with my period (hoping it's just hemorrhoids?!?! Yes, TMI, I know). So, trying to stay in tuned with my body and definitely going to be having a conversation with the RE about the latest. The colon stuff bothers me...a lot. The only reason it wasn't re-sected at my last lap was for fertility reasons. They were not sure that they could successful resect and remove my colon from my uterus without causing a lot of damage. So, yeah, the colon symptoms REALLY bother me to think about.

Tuesday AM is my hydro sonogram. Which, may or may not bring it's own interesting twists to the story. Please keep your fingers crossed! I'm very anxious to have this done.

A question for my bloggers who have suffered a losses

How exactly does one answer the "So, do you have children" question? I'm not much for bringing down the mood of the room. But, at the same time, I feel immense guilt denying my son and just shaking my head "No". So, what's better? Living with the guilt or making someone feel bad? Now, if the question just went on and on and on and on, then, I would probably say something to stop the madness. But, I just don't know what to do when someone asks me this. It's only happened once since we lost Wyatt, but, I know it will come up again...

Enjoying the snow

And now, enjoying my heating pad and ibuprofen. Finally, the rain of pain started and I can move on to the next step!

Hubby and I with our puffy, just woke up faces enjoying the dusting of snow we got! :)

Truth be told

I'm 3 days late now. So, this AM I peed on a pretty expensive stick. To no surprise, a big fat negative (BFN). All the while trying to hold myself together to not vomit. EVERY MORNING and mid afternoon for the past two weeks I've been having these waves of nausea. So, thanks endo. I appreciate the pregnancy type symptoms. That's just AWESOME...let me tell you. All the while causing painful ovary twitches and occasional cramping.

I should have known better.

Still waiting. I thought I started spotting this AM, but, it was just a trick apparently.

It's supposed to snow/sleet/ice a good bit here tonight. Would be a perfect weekend to bundle up with my heating pad and bottle of ibuprofen...I'm ready.

Emotionally, I'm ready!!!

And, anxiously looking ahead to next week (maybe?!?!) for my hydrosonogram.

PLEASE stop tormenting me

Yes period, I am talking to you. I know you are looming. I've felt you coming the past two weeks. So, how about just show your ugly face and let's get this over with, mmmkay? I'm tired of wondering what rain of pain you have prepared for me.

Let's DANCE!

The Celebration

Here is a beautiful poem that I was given the other day and I wanted to share. Author unknown.

The Celebration

An Acorn fell from the tree,
Landed with a plop onto the ground and settled there,
Prepared to grow
A squirrel, storing food for winter,
Grabbing the acorn, with his paws,
Hastily scampered away to his nest.
A tree that almost was.

Snowflakes falling to the ground,
Gathering together upon the mountain
A blanket of white, prepared for Spring.
Parched earth, dry for lack of rain,
Awaits the rapidly melting snow,
And drinks heartily, consuming all.
A stream that almost was.

A pencil, paper with lines,
With notes partially filling the page;
Words written down, prepared for singing,
A tune, a psalm of praise
Floating inside an old saint's head;
Work calls to him, and time flies-
A hymn that almost was.

New life growing within;
Heart, limbs, and identity developing,
Legs and arms moving, prepared for living.
Happy parents, anticipating the future,
Their hearts and home making ready,
And God calls Home the little soul-
A child who almost was.

Someday, in the realms of Glory I shall celebrate-

I shall sit under the tree that almost was;
Beside the stream that almost was;
Sing the hymn that almost was
And hold in my arms the child who almost was.

Privacy Rights for Infertility Patients

There are some bills out there trying to be passed in MI that may very well have some unfortunate implications for those of us who suffer fertility nationwide. Please read this from Jeanne's blog for more on the topic.