My journey with Endometriosis

Endo SUCKS

2012-01-10T19:46:00.004-05:00

Yep. It does. Hormones suck too.

To be honest, I haven't felt worth a crap since I've had my son. Parenting is hard. Parenting when you arent 100% is even harder. But, I keep on telling myself things will get better. Things will even out. I finally got a Dr. to listen to me and run bloodwork. Looks like my Vitamin D is crazy out of whack. I'm hoping among hope that a simple vitamin will do the trick. I have my doubts.

Then, when I've got my head all wrapped around that problem, here comes my period. Oh the post partum periods. The first was so bad I almost passed out a few times from blood loss. The next time it was a breeze. "I can handle this" I said. Ugh. Today I woke up with overwhelming nausea. And, cramps. Here it comes. With a vengeance.

I've been tracking my craptastic feelings lately. They seem strangely hormonally related. All my docs think I'm crazy for thinking that. It's like 3 weeks out of the month, ick. The other week, I'm feeling SO good!!!

I called back today and asked them to run some tests on the blood they already drew to check my hormones. Why is it so unimaginable that it's related to my new cycles? Hell, I've been trying to have a baby and/or been on endo treatments since 2007!!! I've been pregnant every year (3 times) since 2009!!! Why WOULDN'T my body be out of whack?

Let's not even talk about the crazy in the HEAD feelings my hormones bring!!! One minute, super mom, the next a fumbling psycho who doesn't feel competent or worthy.

I'm on the brink of getting Mirena. WHY am I thinking adding hormones will help even me out. Does that sound insane?!?!

HELP ME LADIES! I want to feel somewhat normal. Somewhat sane. I want to be a good mother. I love my son and my new family. Help me rationalize through this.

Love you blogging community.

Where did I go???

2011-11-12T08:51:00.002-05:00

I came to blog this morning and noticed my account had been messed with, so blogger temporarily disabled my account! CRAZY!!!

Things here are busy and wonderful. I can, however, tell that my cycle is about to start. Maybe not, but, I've been having those familiar pangs in my ovaries and occasional cramping. I'm SO nervous about having my period. More nervous that I was no push out a baby!!! How sad is that? Thanks endo, for making me dread almost every month!!!

I still haven't made a decision on the BC. Thank you to all that have responded. I just can't decide what is right and what I am ready for. The thought of going back on something to help keep me from getting pregnant absolutely blows my mind. But, I know it's also not just about that...but about suppression of my endo...whether it be lurking right away or not.

I don't know where my life is heading as far as endo goes, but, I know I will always be vigilant. And, I'm sorry, but I just dont believe something like that can GO AWAY. I believe it can get better...but, will I ever be rid of this disease? With my experience in the medical field...I am doubtful.

I hope to be posting more regularly and checking in on my blogroll folks!!! Been thinking about you all, even if I haven't posted to say so.

Say what?

2011-10-02T11:27:00.005-04:00

Hello all. Wow. I haven't blogged really in a while. Nor have I been doing well at keeping up with others. Connor turned 7 weeks yesterday. 7 WEEKS. I can hardly believe it. I had my 1 month FU obviously several weeks ago now. Everything was looking good. By now all my stitches should be healed (I had somewhere between 15-20!!!) and I am feeling pretty normal most days. Hormones can still be evil sometimes. Guilt sucks. But, for the most part, my new normal is setting in.

I cannot believe the conversation I had with the OB. On BC. Yes, I typed it. BIRTH CONTROL. Weird. Even weirder to be typing it here on this blog. I stopped BC in 2007. Here we are 4 1/2 years later thinking about going back on. We've been blessed with two sons. One here in our arms, the other in God's. We definitely are not ready for another child right away. Connor is a blessing but I am not sure that I can handle another little one at the moment. Nor all of the emotions that would accompany another pregnancy/child.

But, for now, what? I have a dilemma in the BC arena unfortunately. I only have one option. Mirena. I have a history of migraines with Auras, so, any other kind is really contraindicated. Awesome. I am not too keen on that option-something strange about something being inside me emitting hormones on a constant basis. That just seems so odd to me! So, thinking about NO BC. Condoms aren't my friend...I normally get irritations from them, and, with the healing going on down there I am not down with that. I am pretty sure I can't keep up with chartting at the moment. Life is a bit chaotic. And, then there's my ENDOMETRIOSIS. Ugh. I am so scared about it rearing it's ugly head if I'm not on anything. SO SCARED. And then, on the same lines, maybe we SHOULD just try again since my body is probably in it's best condition ever at the moment? Sleepless nights knock that thought right out of the park most of the time.

What's a girl to do? Anyone have any experience with Mirena (good or bad)? Does it have any benefits with endo? The OB said that there isn't a ton of research, but, what little there has been it has shown a benefit. Any other ideas?!?!?!

The real deal

2011-08-27T09:48:00.001-04:00

I never saw Wyatt's feet. All I have left are his foot prints. Our photographer sent us this sneak peek this morning of Connor's feet...oh how special it is!

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He's here!

2011-08-21T12:27:00.001-04:00

8 pounds, 4 ounces
21.75 inches long
8/13/2011 at 437 AM

Love him to pieces! Trying to adjust to our new life. Hormones are bad!!

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Happy August

2011-08-01T10:48:00.001-04:00

July was an interesting month and I'm glad it's come and gone!!! I'd like no more of the kind of excitement it entailed...thank you very much!

Happy August! Our son will be born THIS month!!!

36 weeks...(warning, belly pic)

2011-07-06T19:36:00.009-04:00

Almost there. I can hardly believe it. Things have been a little busy around here and hubby had a recent (minor, although, it didn't seem like it at the time) health scare that has really shaken me. I love that man. The thought of anything happening to him literally makes me ill. So, I've been kind of MIA from this blog with the blur of everything.

Just wanted to touch base and catch up with everyone. We recently had some maternity pictures taken and during the shoot I had the photographer get one for us to hang up for Wyatt. I actually saw the picture on Jeanna's Blog a while ago and have been wanting to recreate it. I wanted to share that. Also, I know that pregnancy is a touchy subject for most readers, but I feel very beautiful and extremely blessed to be where we are and I don't want to hide it. I hope that does not offend. I will never forget where this miracle came from and what we went through to get here. And, I know that my battle with endometriosis is long from over. Is it ever over? I am not naive to the fact that I may return to my normally, painful self...could be soon. So, for now I'm enjoying the blessings that we have and praying for those trying to get there-however that may be.

Taken at 32 weeks

Pregnancy between infertility friends

2011-06-07T16:56:00.001-04:00

Hey everyone. Sorry I've been MIA lately. Life is hectic, but, that's a positive thing. I will be 32 weeks this week. I still cannot believe it. Loving every second of it, even when I am not loving it. I remember daily how blessed we are and I am SO thankful to be this far. Countdown has begun. I'm feeling less scared and know that if my baby comes today he has so many options and so many chances. Still, I'd like him to stay put for at least another 5 weeks. Stay put little guy!!!

A friend forwarded me this article today, and, I wanted to share.

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/pregnancy-after-infertility/pregnancy-between-infertility-friends.html

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-08T17:55:00.000-04:00

Thinking about all moms today, especially those who only were able to hold their child in their hearts, those who held their child if only for a short time and all those still waiting for their moment...

God Bless!

A week of highs and lows

2011-04-24T22:31:00.002-04:00

This week marks our viability milestone in our pregnancy!!!! 25 weeks on last Thursday! What a beautiful blessing for us to be celebrating. Each and every day is more and more cause for celebration, as we ever so steadily reach for the next "checkpoint" in this journey towards parenthood.

Ironically, it is also the week that if I had carried Wyatt to term, we'd be celebrating his first birthday. I have several friends who were due around the same time I was. Several people that I blog with as well. Seeing their facebook and blog posts about their little one's upcoming big days literally knocked the breath out of me. A punch to the gut. I totally wasn't expecting that reaction. I never really thought of April 23rd as his "day", but, I guess to my subconscious it will always be in some fashion. These dates stick with you, even when you think they won't.

We had a nice little mini vacation away this week...and what great timing!! On the way home, we stopped by to see family and visited with Wyatt at the cemetery. It was a very emotional visit, but, felt good. We love and miss our little guy so much!!!

What a beautiful week for us to get away to celebrate love, loss and life!!!

Milestones and other ponderings

2011-03-24T18:05:00.003-04:00

I stumbled upon this TIME article on Mo and Will's blog today and wanted to share.

Things here are going well with here with his pregnancy. We are very thankful. Some days, though, I have my moments of sadness and doubt about it all. Today we hit another milestone. And, the way I reacted was not how I thought this day would be. After my ultrasound and talking with the OB today, we are going to start transitioning to more of a "normal" OB schedule (still with the cervical checks, sans the ultrasounds). Weird transitioning to more of that "normal" type of patient. I'm scared. I'm glad, but I'm scared. Terrified. I've also been thinking a lot lately about Wyatt. Had a good cry last night. I should be happier about this milestone...I think I'm more frightened maybe than anything. Who knows. Lots of emotions to process and sometimes it feels a little overwhelming. I mean, we are definitely happy. Maybe just a little scared of the unknown. Hell, who's not scared of that?

I'm not complaining at all. I know we are very fortunate and we are very appreciative for things so far! But, this journey of loss and grief still continue, and stumbling across this article...today after everything...helps me feel just a little more sane!!

'What he can expect when she's not expecting'...

2011-03-21T09:29:00.001-04:00

Great new resource for the wonderful men in our lives who also deal with the affects of infertility...

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/42096898/ns/today-books/

Daym you Pharma companies!!!

2011-03-11T08:28:00.001-05:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110310/ap_on_he_me/us_med_premature_birth_drug;_ylt=AhkECNA_063QBjSjGvsf.dMDW7oF;_ylu=X3oDMTMxZmQxYzE0BGFzc2V0A2FwLzIwMTEwMzEwL3VzX21lZF9wcmVtYXR1cmVfYmlydGhfZHJ1ZwRwb3MDMTAEc2VjA3luX2FydGljbGVfc3VtbWFyeV9saXN0BHNsawNmdWxsbmJzcHN0b3I-

This is an article about a dramatic price increase in progesterone...a drug that us in the infertility world are definitely aware of, as, are those women who use it to prevent premature birth. What a shame!!!

Elisabeth Röhm’s Blog: Sharing My IVF Secret

2011-03-10T15:08:00.001-05:00

A friend forwarded me this article today, and, I wanted to share. Although, I would add to this paragraph:

As a witness to my own journey, I hope I can share a little reprieve and compassion with any person who is struggling with the decision to have a family in an unconventional way and to receive the support to do so. If you have to decide to have your child through IVF or surrogacy OR ADOPTION OR FOSTER CARE, or are going through it now after making the choice, I hope you know that there is nothing to be ashamed of at all. I acknowledge your strength in deciding that you have the right to parent.

http://celebritybabies.people.com/2011/03/10/elisabeth-rohms-blog-sharing-my-ivf-secret/

Unfamiliar territory

2011-03-03T18:32:00.002-05:00

About 16 months ago a beautiful pregnancy came to an end, a life gone too soon. Our first child was born, a son, our Wyatt. I was only 18 weeks pregnant. He was beautiful in every way. Perfect beyond all that is imaginable. Just not ready for this world. Not made for this world. He was never ours to have here with us.

Now, here we are in another beautiful pregnancy. 18 weeks. A whole day of being 18 weeks pregnant. This is something we've never encountered...from here on out it's unfamiliar territory. The weeks to our baby's arrival will soon be shorter than the number of weeks I am pregnant. So many wonderful things to look forward to. So far, so good.

I feel guilty, in a way. Guilty that my body couldn't do this for Wyatt. Guilty that I couldn't do anything to keep him safer. Just a little bit longer. I know I had NO control. I know that in my head. Sometimes my that hole in my heart feels differently. I know that things happened for a reason. Why? I have no idea. For a better appreciation of life and love? I don't know. I definitely do appreciate those things more. We both are appreciating many many things these days.

So, today we celebrated my body...God...life. There is still a little boy, our son, growing inside of me and getting stronger and stronger everyday. We are feeling blessed and hopeful and so very excited. The hope in our hearts grows deeper and deeper with every passing day. Every passing milestone. Excitement has begun to trump fear. Trump away!!!

We are looking ahead. One day at a time.

I plan on blogging more later...

2011-03-01T18:28:00.006-05:00

But, I definitely can't ignore the fact that today kicks off Endometriosis Awareness month!!! There are lots of thoughts and emotions we are going through this week. I do plan on blogging more about awareness month...it may just be a little later than usual. I still have endo. I'll always have endo. There is no cure. Too many women are affected by this terrible disease to stand by and just watch. As endo sisters and families...we need to come together for a change!!!

Reaching milestones

2011-02-18T10:14:00.001-05:00

16 weeks yesterday. Time flies!!! At almost 17 weeks in my pregnancy with Wyatt, my water broke. I delivered via induction at 18 weeks. Milestones are creeping up on us. Things have been going really well. I keep having to remind myself that this pregnancy is COMPLETELY different. We are enjoying everyday. Sometimes the anxiety sets in, but, for the most part I have been a lot better about things than I expected myself to be. Quite surprising...pleasantly surprising.

I love this child very much. He (or she if they were wrong a few weeks ago, haha) is not a replacement for our first born. Never will be. He will be his own person. Our own excitement and new adventure. I don't wish that he was Wyatt. They are two different children and we will love them both, always. It's strange to think of, but, I don't ever want our son to think that we wish he was someone else. That things were different. Nothing could be further from the truth. We miss Wyatt. Terribly. Sometimes what happened with our last pregnancy does have bearing on my anxiety and comfort level. But, I also think that because of the way that things happened with Wyatt, that in a way we appreciate this pregnancy possibly more than we ever would have. Each day is a blessing and a celebration.

Soon we will be in uncharted pregnancy territory. That is both terrifying and truly exciting. Looking forward to a blossoming baby and belly and sharing our excitement with the world! August is going to be here before we know it!

2nd week in March is our next ultrasound. Definitely ready to set our eyes on the baby and seeing how things are going. This will be the "Big" anatomy scan (I think), so, lots of neat things to look forward to and lots of praying to do!

Another hurdle hurdled!

2011-02-04T18:08:00.002-05:00

Today we had an ultrasound-14 weeks, 1 day. This baby and this body are doing amazingly well! Cervix was nice and long, baby was moving about and doing well, fluid levels are good...just a fabulous report all around. Apparently my placenta is lying a little low. While not expected, it is not uncommon and most of the times it will correct itself. They will recheck at the next visit in a few weeks. In the meantime, a good bill of health and worries eased for the moment.

The appointment made us really miss our Wyatt. They think we are having another boy. It was very strange being here again (at another ultrasound)...in very different circumstances than just what seems such a short time ago. I guess it's actually been a while. Seems like yesterday! However, we are very comforted in knowing that this baby has one, VERY special guardian angel watching over him. Always. I know the next few weeks are going to be pretty emotional for us as we make our way to that 17/18 week mark. Every day is a cause for celebration...but everyday is bringing painful reminders back into our fore front.

We love you Wyatt. We love you new little D. You are both our children...and we will love you always. No matter what.

Now stay put baby! You've got some more months of growing, ok?!

A not so negative post

2011-01-25T19:30:00.003-05:00

I can't believe I forgot to post that we were able to hear the heartbeat last week!!! Music to our ears! 2 days shy of the 2nd trimester...most women would be feeling so much more comforted now. I'm not sure that will happen for us. Although tension hasn't been running high or anything, there are definitely those days.

One day at a time. One step at a time. Together.

Liar liar

2011-01-19T22:12:00.001-05:00

Whoever said that endo gets better with pregnancy is a big fat liar. I am in more pain than I've been in at LEAST a year. Maybe two. Not good times, let me tell you.

Seems that the wonderful progesterone that helps keep this baby safe also likes to play games with the digestive system. And, with my colon being stuck to my uterus... without being too descriptive..WOW. There are other stretching woes going on, but, they are bearable. Not so much the colon business.

What I've learned this week? Progesterone and adhesions are more powerful than gallons of water, fresh fruit and veggies, prune juice and colace. Know what helps? A warm glass of apple juice. So far. Who would have thought of that? Really?

I hope that this too shall pass!?!?

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Fantastic article

2011-01-15T09:44:00.001-05:00

http://www.thepostgame.com/features/201101/billy-donovans-secret-sorrow

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Endo blog meets football

2011-01-11T10:37:00.003-05:00

WAR DAMN EAGLE!!!! Those of you who know...you know!!! BCS National CHAMPS!!!!

Toomer's Corner style with our tiny trees!!!

In other news

2011-01-10T09:54:00.002-05:00

Today is a snow day. Not the most ideal of snow days since tonight is the BCS National Championship with my Auburn Tigers!!!! My hormones might not be able to take any power or satellite outages. 10 hours until game time. How will I ever control my anxiety?!?! ;) (Dont know that you know, but, I love me some football!!!!)

But isn't it so pretty?!

Doubts, doubts, go away!

2011-01-09T14:54:00.005-05:00

10 weeks, 3 days

I haven't blogged in a few weeks. It's strange. Things have been busy with the new year here. Nothing much to report on this end. I don't have another Dr.'s appointment until a week from Tuesday. Seems like FOREVER away. Unless we choose the first trimester screening, we won't be having an ultrasound at that visit. However, I will be requesting a doppler. I need reassurance that this baby is still in there. Starting at 14 weeks I'll be going in for frequent ultrasounds to check the cervical length.

Luckily for a while nausea has been consistent and reassuring. Sore boobs, etc, etc. Unfortunately, those symptoms have started to wane...which, starts up the uneasy thoughts in my head. Some days I can go all day without a bout of any ick. Other days, I'd rather be in bed. Truthfully, until I get frequent peeks of this little one, I'd rather have some of that reassurance!!! I've been having bad dreams lately. They feel so real. We remain hopeful, but sometimes the doubt comes creeping in. Today, I just don't feel like I'm pregnant. Tomorrow, I hope that will be different.

Love you little one. Don't mean to doubt you. It's not you...it's me. Sometimes I wonder if my body is capable of doing this. My dreams are trying to convince me that it's not. Praying for peace, and, as always praying for you, dear child.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-25T13:09:00.002-05:00

While we are feeling so blessed this year because of the upcoming potential in our life, we also are missing our baby boy who left us far too soon. Looking at fellow bloggers tickers and facebook friend's status updates, I am constantly reminded of milestones we will never reach with Wyatt. Hard to believe, if born full-term, he would have been 8 MONTHS old for this Christmas. Kind of hard to NOT think of this day and what it could have been.

Instead we hold our heads high and hope for the future. So blessed and glad we have that light of hope lit in our hearts right now.

I know in the struggle of illness and infertility, some days it's hard to realize our blessings. Holidays can be especially painful, especially on such holidays where the magic of children is so stressed and so in our faces (believe me...when you struggle with infertility...it feels VERY much in your face!!!). But, I hope today you can feel the warmth and love of those around you and are comforted by sharing this day with family and friends. Merry Christmas and many great blessings for the new year to come!

Mourning after losing a baby-article on Oprah.com

2010-12-23T08:55:00.001-05:00

What's beautiful about this piece is that it captures the heartache of the process, and yet shows how we find a way to make it to the next day...and the day after that. This is a husband, telling his heartache. But, those of us who have lost can surely relate! I know I did!!!

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Men-and-Miscarriage-Mourning-After-Losing-a-Baby

Don't get too excited

2010-12-21T13:50:00.001-05:00

Really? Why would you say this to someone? I had a friend say this to me the other day. And a family member (not a close one). Add this to the growing list of moronic things that people say to you ;)

My husband and I have decided that we are going to enjoy this pregnancy. One day at a time. I never want to regret not being happy about this time in our lives. Yes, it's scary as hell. But, there is some really wonderful and joyful potential going on in there. What if I do make it full term and have this child for this world? Then I will look back on this pregnancy...and wonder how I could have enjoyed it more? I don't want those regrets. Take each and every day and enjoy it unless we are given reason to do otherwise!

Besides, like I said before, it's kind of impossible not to be hopeful and excited. Seriously impossible. Isn't this what we wish for as "infertiles"? Isn't this what we dream about? I will not take the time we are given with this pregnancy for granted. Whether it be 8 weeks or 9 months! This is what we hope and dream for...and I will be happy!!! Damn.it! Scared yes. Happy, definitely!!!

Love you little bean!!! We have our first OB appointment tomorrow. Maybe we'll get to see you again. If not, please behave and grow! We will do the best we can from out here!!!

Wow

2010-12-17T10:41:00.001-05:00

One baby. Great heartbeat. Measuring perfectly. WOW. I am still shaking and in shock.

We are beyond excited and scared! Very different feeling from the last pregnacy. Definitely very appreciative but so apprehensive. We will just take it one day at a time. I have graduated to an OB and will be followed both by him and a Maternal and Fetal Medicine group (because I am considered high risk). My first appointment is next Weds and hopefully we'll get a better idea of how appointments and all will go throughout. I'm glad to be followed so closely, so hopefully we can bring this baby home with us in about 7-ish months. NO SOONER!!!

The impossible

2010-12-09T17:27:00.001-05:00

It is impossible to ignore or want to ignore what is hopefully going on inside of me. Even though we know anything can happen and things are uncertain... we can't help but obviously love this life that is developing and pray for it constantly. Loss and infertility has certainly put a whole different spin on the appreciation of conceiving and the whole process of a pregnancy. Each week is a cause for celebration, each bout of nausea is a welcome ill (er splitting migraines are not welcome thank you- ha ha), yet each moment feels so uncertain and unsure.

Pregnancy after a loss is so very different. It's hopeful, scary, exciting, surreal. I haven't even been able to come up with words to express myself. Hopefully I'll have another 7 1/2 months to feel it out and share.

8 days until the ultrasound. We are ready to see you little one. Even though we are very tentative, know you are loved immensely!!!

Numbers are good!

2010-12-01T13:54:00.001-05:00

So good that I can stop these blasted estrogen patches!!! I ripped that thing off so quickly...pretty sure it took a couple of layers of skin with it. I've been having killer migraines the past few days. The past 4 out of 5 days to be exact. They've been so bad, I finally talked myself into going to the ER. Fingers crossed that they will calm down a bit with getting rid of the Vi.velle!!!

934 was the magic number today. :) My estrogen was 120-something They are quite pleased and I'll be going in two weeks for an ultrasound when I am 7weeks, 1 day. Tomorrow is 5 weeks!!! Not meaning to complain about the migraines...not that I am not thankful for this pregnancy. Because I am!!! Honestly though, I could do without the debilitating head explosions!

I can't wait to hear and see the heartbeat and really get settled into the thought of being pregnant again!!! It still doesn't feel real. I guess I still have my guard up.

Love you little bean! Grow strong and please nestle in for the long haul!!! Please!!!

Wow

2010-11-29T21:04:00.001-05:00

Already feeling overwhelmed with my own emotions, I have been absolutely blown away with your support today. Wow!!! Thanks. One hurdle down... many to go!

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Don't tell my mom...

2010-11-29T11:47:00.003-05:00

But, I'm pregnant!!!

So far.

Beta was 499 this AM!!!

Truth be told, I am scared out of my mind and in complete and utter shock. The incessant migraines the past few days though gave it away for me...I should have known. I'm so scared. I just sat on the bed staring at the phone when the nurse told me. Lots of conflicting emotions. So, trying to stay grounded here and wait for Weds. test to see if they can double. Until then, I'm in love!!!! And I will be thankful for what we have been given, even though it isn't a guarantee.

If you know me, don't tell others that don't read this blog. We'll all talk more later! And, neither of our parents know a thing. Waiting a little bit so they don't have to ride an emotional roller coaster with us if there is one.

Holy cow. I seriously cannot believe it!

Nail biting

2010-11-28T21:20:00.001-05:00

I'm ready for our beta! If these migraines and nausea are any indication, we are in some kind of business. Just not sure of what nature. I called the RE on call this AM begging to come off the estrogen patches because I had 3 migraines in 24 hours. Nursing my migraine hangover now and debating going to work tomorrow.

Bring on the bw. I've never tested this late... what would be a good beta?!

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Patience is a virtue?

2010-11-27T15:24:00.001-05:00

Yeah. Not so good with that. LOL. I'm driving myself insane analyzing symptoms. Sooooooooooo ready for Monday! This really could go either way. Preparing myself for bad news, while remaining hopeful. Is hopeful pessimism real? ;)

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Thankful

2010-11-25T10:22:00.001-05:00

On our way to see family and its shaping up to be a gorgeous day! My toes are pleased in their flip flops for the mid 70's today! I am thankful for so much this year... even though at times it doesn't feel like I have a lot to be thankful for. That couldn't be father from the truth, and I'm glad we have today to reflect on that!
We have an amazing set of friends and family. I have the best and most loving husband. We have good jobs, a wonderful home, and a crazy cat. We are truly blessed! We are parents to a beautiful angel son and hopeful for another chance at parenthood here on this earth.

I hope you find time today to feel thankful. I know the journey if infertility and Endo is a difficult one, but, be thankful today for something beautiful!

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Progesterone suppositories are gross!!

2010-11-24T11:34:00.001-05:00

I mean, I'm all for their purpose, but, um, gross!!!

Has anyone ever experienced (TMI here folks) a pinkish tint to any of the discharge at times? It's not all of it, just sporadically. Gross. Just typing that makes me want to hurl ;)

POAS?

2010-11-23T09:31:00.001-05:00

Today I am 7dp5dFET (12dp"o"). Technically the HCG shot should be out of my system and I could start POAS. But, I just can't do it. Why? There are several reasons. The biggest reason is that pregnancy test sticks are EVIL. I've only seen a positive pregnancy test once...that was about 7 weeks into my last pregnancy when I started bleeding. Other than that, there are never two lines. There is never "pregnant" staring me back in the face. It's too much rejection! Expensive rejection!!

Another reason is our experience with a "chemical" pregnancy. So what if it says "Pregnant". Am I really? Only for a few days? I want to see the numbers...if there are numbers to be seen. I need the cold hard facts. Maybe that's the researcher in me.

Then, there's the fact that Thanksgiving is a mere 2 days away. We didn't so much have a good Thanksgiving last year. I spent the majority of the evening in the ER with post partum bleeding that was eventually remedied with a D&C. We want to enjoy the holiday, blissfully ignorant of our results. We are going to be with family and friends all weekend. If we needed time to be to ourselves, there wouldn't be much time for that. We will count our blessings and be thankful that we have even been given this opportunity. And to continue to be thankful for the things that we do have in our lives.

So, I will try to not drive myself insane (sometimes that's hard, lol), wondering what's going on in there. I do have a few symptoms, but, those could very easily be attributed to the progesterone and estrogen that I am on. I just have to trust that if there is something beautiful happening inside of me, right now, I am doing all that I can do.

I don't mind at all!

2010-11-22T19:23:00.001-05:00

I don't mind at all that you are following :) I just wanted to know. Sometimes it's nice to know who's out there. Thanks for thinking I'm interesting enough to read up on! Love y'all!!! Keep your fingers crossed our way!

Let yourself be known

2010-11-22T08:57:00.001-05:00

Okay, so, I'm asking for all my stalking real life friends and family to let yourself be known. I don't mind you following along, I just want to know who will be ahead of any news curve there may or may not be in the next few weeks. I've already had one confession!

Love you, and, thanks for following... now fess up! ;)

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ICLW

2010-11-21T11:41:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since I've participated! Not sure why-lazy much? Anyway, just a brief background: I'm 30 and we've been trying to have a baby for 3 1/2 years now. I have stage IV endometriosis that was diagnosed in 2/2008. I've had 2 IVF procedures. Both were successful-the first in May 2009 resulted in a chemical pregnancy. The 2nd was in July/August 2009. That pregnancy ended at 18 weeks with the birth of our son...they say due to premature rupture of membranes. We were devastated and heartbroken, left to pick up the pieces and move on with our lives without the child we worked and prayed so hard for.

We've been trying since March 2010 to have our FET done. After two failed attempts, we were finally able to have it done on November 16th and both of our frozen embryo's were transferred! We are currently in the "two week" wait. Meanwhile, we just honored our son's birthday yesterday, November 20th. It's been a roller coaster of a fall!!!!

One year ago today...

2010-11-20T11:06:00.001-05:00

We became parents. Just a little too early. Today we remember our son Wyatt. A year ago today we were living every parents nightmare... knowing we would never know our son in this world. Although it was one of the worst, it was one of the most beautiful as well as i gave birth and we held our baby boy. If only for a little while, that time will remain in our hearts forever.

Happy Birthday Wyatt. Thank you for allowing us to know the love of being parents. That is something this world can never take away from us!

We miss you terribly!

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I'm not good at waiting!

2010-11-18T16:54:00.001-05:00

I need patience! So, technically today is 7dpo? Kind of confused with the whole fet thing. 2dp5dt? I guess it doesn't matter. My real countdown is to my official beta. 11 days! Today i had some VERY light spotting and cramping

Last night was pretty exciting with my last hcg shot. My husband could NOT get the needle in. After four attempts I called a nurse friend in for backup. ;) poor guy got so nervous! As did I!!

Two days until our sons birthday. I can hardly believe is been a year. After his burial service on Monday, I've had a strange peace over me. I still think Saturday will be hard. Wish we were celebrating a first birthday differently!

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Pregnant until proven otherwise

2010-11-16T13:31:00.001-05:00

Two beautiful embies in and hopefully getting comfy!!! It happened! It finally happened!!! 13 days to beta#1. Let the count down begin!

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Whoa

2010-11-11T10:25:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow starts my "2ww" if this all goes through as planned, even though my transfer isn't until next Tuesday. Trying to wrap my head around that!

Honestly...

I'm scared.

And excited.

And ready-whatever the outcome may be.

We are a go...

2010-11-08T13:27:00.003-05:00

I repeat...GO.

Ov.idrel Tuesday gets this party started!!! Transfer in T-minus 8 days!!!

Son's "birthday" in 12 days. It's gonna be a wild ride!!!

Honestly though, the timing seems kinda perfect, in it's own, strangly emotional way. We are burying Wyatt on Monday, the 15th. That has been planned for a few months now (thinking I was having our transfer today). Lay him to rest and hopefully start a new journey with our transfer the next day? One can only hope. Not to forget our past. We will never forget or want to. Just to begin moving forward with another phase. Not to say that this isn't a very emotional time for us right now, because it is. But, this is a nice, hopeful distraction. We just have to not get too hopeful, or this will surely be a crushing blow.

Really, is there such thing as not getting too hopeful?

Happy for today, and totally sticking with it!!!

Shut up...

2010-11-07T22:43:00.003-05:00

SHUT UP. There was a follicle this morning!!! Not at all mature, but, one nonetheless. I am going in tomorrow AM just for another good measure and then, Tuesday is the planned day for the ov.idrel!!! And the following Tuesday-transfer. WHAT?!?! Are we SERIOUSLY going forward? FORWARD? Trying not to get too excited-still a lot of variables ahead. But, it feels good to be going in the right direction! One.step.at.a.time!

My FET explained

2010-11-06T12:13:00.003-04:00

Yeah, it's kinda confusing. I don't even understand fully. See, I'm one to question medical professionals-about EVERYTHING. But, when it comes to ART sometimes, I'd rather leave it to them. I'm OCD and stressed out enough about this, sometimes I cannot bother myself with the little details. However, I too was very confused about the follicle and this FET. It's never been an issue before-we always focued on the lining. What's going on?!?

Basically, it's like this. Since this is different from a traditional FET cycle (more drugs, including ovary stimulating ones), there are certain parameters that they have to follow. My mistake, it doesn't have to be a MATURE follicle. WHEW-sigh of relief there since I've had a few issues with that before. There just needs to be something resembling one present before we move forward. Why? The follicle signals the ovulatory process, and all the wonderful, embryo welcoming features it brings with it. Seeing that follicle will tell them that things are SUPER optimal for go. It will start my natural progesterone and all the good hormones that make a nice home for the embies. Extra protection if you will for these blasts that are waiting for us.

If there never comes a follicle...I am not 100% sure that they will cancel this cycle. Maybe it just won't be optimal. I didn't ask. I know, I know. Honestly though, I don't want to think about that if. We are ready to move forward. Positive thoughts...right?!?!

I think they are just being extra conservative. They really want this to work out for us. We've had one chemical pregnancy and one 2nd trimester loss. They are really wanting to make sure that this sticks...and sticks properly. At least, that's how I see it.

If things look good tomorrow (going in Sunday AM for another US), then, I'll have my ovidrel shot then next weekend is the transfer (5 day blasts-WOOT!). Here's to hoping!!! THANKS EVERYONE for helping to keep me sane! ;)

DRAT

2010-11-05T09:03:00.001-04:00

Okay, another appointment set for Sunday AM to see if a follicle will just "pop" up. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. So, definitely won't be a Monday transfer. Why isn't my either one of my ovaries making a goof follicle? How will it make a mature follicle from under 10mm in two days? Is that even possible? I don't mind paying for another pen....if this is going to happen. Really, at this point, I need to buy one "just in case".

I.dunno.if.i.can.handle.this.

Houston...

2010-11-05T08:14:00.001-04:00

There isn't a problem? Well, I dunno totally about that, but, my lining is at 8 mm this morning! CAN I GET A WOOT WOOT? Holy cow, I am pure excitement right now, and it's not even 8 AM. I'm trying not to get totally caught up in this. See, this isn't something that the clinic normally does...a FET with this combo of drugs. It's working on my lining! However, my ovaries aren't so impressed, as seen by the not so present follicle/s. So, really, the nurse just flat out said she isn't sure what the Dr. will do. ACK! So, just waiting on a call. Hoping hoping hoping that everything will fall into place-I'll run out of Gonal.F Sat. I soooooo dont want to have to buy another pen!

Is this REALLY going to happen?!?!

Infertility and social media

2010-11-04T07:47:00.001-04:00

A friend forwarded me a pretty interesting and true article today. I know this will resonate with all of my fellow infertility sufferers: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/10/24/AR2010102402642.html?hpid=topnews

And a pretty funny follow-up via Jezebel:

http://jezebel.com/5680665/what-facebook-feed-looks-like-when-all-your-friends-have-babies

What do you think about infertility and our social media society?!

Today's post is brought to you by the number 6

2010-11-03T10:26:00.001-04:00

I went in for my first US today. Lining is up to 6mm, which, is good. That's all it would ever get up to the last two times, and, that's the minimum they'd like to see for a FET. So, hopefully that will continue to progress and we can get out of that grey area-I know they will not transfer me at the minimum. They'd also like to see a mature follicle to signal the ovulatory process. None of that yet. A few on the right that will most likely never mature...they never do. There are some on the left too-rooting for one of those!!! Soooooo nervous about this. I will go in again on Friday and see what's going on. The transfer was originally scheduled for Monday. I am not sure if we are still on course for that or not. This has been the longest week! On top of all of this, I'm battling a delicious little head cold. Great timing, as usual. Hoping to shake this off, and fast!

More waiting!

Quick like

2010-10-31T01:16:00.001-04:00

Just a quick post from my smartphone. Apt went well last week. Doesn't seem to be a sugar issue. Insert sigh of relief here!!! Perhaps when I stopped working out...I lost muscle mass? I'm sure the drugs don't help the other symptoms! Well see. Going to follow up with my pcp next week!

In the meantime, carry on. Decrease Lu.pron. start Gonal.F. no more doxy. Patch. Lots going on!!!

Thanks for your kind words!

Don't ignore me!

2010-10-26T17:28:00.003-04:00

That's what my body has been saying, and, I didn't want to listen. Today, I finally called the RE. "Could my excessive thirst, constant urination and 7 pounds of magical weight loss (in 3 weeks) be because of the A.ygestin?". Obviously, no. I have a fasting blood glucose test now scheduled along with my US and other bloodwork on Thursday, since my amazingly un-compassionate PCP couldn't squeeze me in until next Tuesday. Fingers crossed this is just some weird, flukey thing coincidentally going on, and, that my glucose isn't up to no good. A friend of mine today at work took my blood sugar about an hour after lunch and it was pretty high, but, not scary high. Hopefully it was just what I ate!!! That same friend is going to test me in the AM before I get anything to eat to help ease my mind before Thursday. Gotta love friends in the know!

Always something.

Otherwise, I'm feeling okay, aside from hormonal.

Just peachy.

This week's starting line-up!

2010-10-20T20:08:00.003-04:00

Here we go again

2010-10-19T09:39:00.001-04:00

Today is my last "drug free" (aside from the Aygestin I am already on) day. We start FET #1, take 3, with a round of doxy, Aygestin and Lu.pron tomorrow. In all honesty, I am nervous as hell. I've never been this nervous before. We've never had to wait this long before. We've been waiting since the beginning of the year for this to take place. I hope it all works out. 3 weeks from yesterday is our transfer date. Here goes nothing!!! Actually, not nothing. Lots of hope riding on this cycle. And, lots of emotions that will be cropping up in the next few weeks. So, here goes A LOT!!!

I am the face Campaign

2010-10-12T16:55:00.002-04:00

Check out this website. In honor of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day (which is THIS Friday, October 15th), they are trying to get 2000 faces and raise $2000 to represent the 2000 women and families a DAY that suffer a loss of some kind. What an astounding statistic!!! I am a face. Please join the movement and spread the word!

Changes...and I'm not talking about the leaves!

2010-10-11T11:01:00.001-04:00

It's been a very hard fall for us. Time marches on. Last year at this time, I was into my 2nd trimester, blissfully unaware of the tragedy that laid before us. My how a year can change so dramatically. Life moves forward, even when you don't want it to. Sometimes I feel like life is moving forward all around us, while, we are stuck in the same gear we have been for years. There have been some changes our way though. We sold our house, built a new one, and moved in. It was nice for a while to have something to look forward to.

We've attempted several FET's this year, but, nothing has worked out so far. Here we are, "moving forward" again in this regard, yet, I still feel like we are standing still. I will start a new course of medication in 9 days. In 9 days, a new cycle of hope begins. In 9 days we wonder again how far will we get this time? Can we make it to a transfer day? Will the embies thaw? So many ups and downs ahead of us this next month, all the while as we walk hand in hand into our 4th year of marraige and also as we prepare to "celebrate" our son's first "birthday". It's a crazy, hormone filled fall that is upon us. We are ready to know the outcome. Ready to know what lies ahead and what steps we will be taking next. Is this a road that will lead to parenthood here on earth, or, more devestation and heartache? We can't hurry up time and see what is waiting for us. We can only hope and pray.

I only wanted you

2010-10-05T07:32:00.001-04:00

I Only Wanted You

They say memories are golden
Well maybe that is true.
I never wanted memories
...I only wanted you.

In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place
No one could ever fill.

If tears could build a stairway
And heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the path to heaven
And bring you back again.

author unknown

This is a special announcement brought to you by hormones

2010-09-26T21:18:00.001-04:00

Aygestin is making me feel extra special crazy and bitchy this time around.

Thank you, that is all.

Update

2010-09-21T20:11:00.002-04:00

It's been a bit insane around here-we've moved! Finally! :) In our new home, and loving it. Sometimes it gets a little sad, because it's a large home and I look around and wonder if we can fill it with little ones. Or a little one. We'd be happy with that.

Just a quick update. Saw the RE. My ovary is so dysfunctional that the endometrioma has kinda died off-it's not being fed. So, that was good news. Wasn't it? Dysfunctional...not so much. No mass...definitely! We are going to try for the last time this year in November for our FET. A little too close to Wyatt's bday for my comfort, but, such is the way of things sometimes. Starting my shots at the end of next month, so, on a little Ay.gestin break right now.

Thanks for all of the thoughts! Heading to Atlanta this weekend for Resolve's FIRST Walk of Hope! If you'd like to support our team (What they didn't teach you in sex ed), check out , this link,!!! :)

Torn

2010-09-13T08:12:00.001-04:00

Today is Day 1. And, I'm torn about what to do. This is supposed to be the mega cycle...our grand finale. And now, I don't know what to do. I am going to call the clinic today and talk with the nurse. She needs to fax all the prescriptions to my insurance company so we can figure out what's covered and if we can even afford this right now. You see, we are in the middle of a move. Our movers come tomorrow. And, with moving, there are lots of lilttle things here and there to pay for.

AND, I am not sold on taking all these meds LIKE I'm doing an IVF cycle...but without the retrieval. Seems kinda silly to take all those drugs without doing the whole protocol, you know? I am switching insurance for next year. Technically, I can wait until Jan1, take all these medications, and do a fresh cycle. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

AND I don't know what's going on with this cyst and it's making me nervous. Double Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I may just go on the Aygestin and wait a little bit while I sort through all the questions in my head...

To be continued...

Endo T-shirts! Too cute!

2010-09-08T19:40:00.001-04:00

Check it out HERE!

I just ordered one, very excited! Slightly expensive, but, I'm all over the awareness of it all!

Itchy itchy, scratchy scratchy

2010-09-07T20:32:00.003-04:00

One of my flipping incisions is ITCHING like CRAZY tonight!!!! WHAT THE HECK?!?! This continues to baffle me. For those of you that don't know, THIS is what my incisions looked like in April 2009 after my 2nd laparoscopy and some weird reaction/infection.

Speaking of not normal, this cyst has got to be bigger. My nausea continues to increase. The stabbing pains are coming more frequently. Daym you endo. I say NO! You will not defeat me!

I'm ready for my next cycle to start so we can hopefully (finally) get this FET show on the road. I feel like it's our grand finale...and I'm ready to know how it turns out!

Infertility 101: Get the facts!

2010-09-03T08:52:00.001-04:00

I got this list from www.resolve.org :

Infertility 101: Get the facts

Myth: Infertility is a women's problem.

Fact: This is untrue. It surprises most people to learn that infertility is a female problem in 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up.

Myth: Everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

Fact: More than 7.3 million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. When you seek support, you will find that you are not alone. Join RESOLVE, a support group, or talk with others who are struggling to build a family, so that you won't feel isolated.

Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!

Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.

Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.

Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.

Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!

Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.

Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!

Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. But choosing how to build your family is a very personal decision. Learning about all the ways to build a family can open your eyes to options you may not have thought of as a possibility. Education is key to finding resolution.

Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!

Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.

Myth: My partner might leave me because of our infertility.

Fact: The majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis, learning in the process new ways of relating to each other, which deepens their relationship in years to follow.

Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!

Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.

Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.

Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.

Myth: I shouldn't take a month off from infertility treatment for any reason... I just know that this next month will be THE one!

Fact: It is important periodically to reassess your treatment and your parenting goal. Continuity in treatment is important, but sometimes a break can provide needed rest and renewal for the next steps.

Myth: I'll be labeled a 'trouble maker' if I ask too many questions.

Fact: The physician/patient team is important. You need to be informed about what treatments are available. What is right for one couple may not be right for another, either physically, financially, or emotionally. Don't be afraid to ask questions of your doctor.

A second opinion can be helpful. If needed, discuss this option with your physician.

Myth: I know I'll never be able to stop treatment until I have a pregnancy.

Fact: Pregnancy is not the only pathway to parenthood. You may begin to think more about parenthood than about pregnancy. You may long for your life to get back to normal. You may consider childfree living or begin to think of other ways to build a family.

Myth: I've lost interest in my job, hobbies, and my friends because of infertility. No one understands! My life will never be the same!

Fact: Infertility is a life crisis -- it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. You will move through this crisis. It is a process, and it may mean letting go of initial dreams. Throughout this process, stay informed about the wide range of options and connect with others facing similar experiences.

We are quite the topic of conversation

2010-08-30T07:43:00.001-04:00

Or, so with my Reproductive Clinic it seems. I got a random call from one of the nurses last week and she said that we were discussed at "conference" on Weds. Conference is a gathering of minds in the respective field to go over "tricky" cases or to get mutiple opinions on courses of treatment. I told her I felt quite special that we were presented. LOL. Mostly appreciative, really. The discussion was on how to get my lining to thicken up, especially in the wake of my newest, short, weird cycles. Verdict? Prep as almost as if we were doing a full blown IVF, but, with just a transfer procedure at the end. So, essentially, a few more drugs in the normal FET regimen. I'll start out with BC (well, for me, Aygestin), then Lupron, Gonal F, etc, etc, etc. I need to talk to my insurance company to see if I have any more drug allowance. That'll really be the deal breaker for us. We've already paid up front for a normal FET cycle. With a few more ultrasound vists and more drugs....I just need to make sure that aspect is covered. So, not sure when, or if, this plan will take place. But, it's nice to feel thought of.

Okay, SERIOUSLY?

2010-08-18T20:50:00.002-04:00

22 day cycle. WHAT is going on?!?!?! Last month it was 24...maybe. Now, 22?!?!? What happened to my 28-31 day cycles? 22 days?!?! That's not long enough for anything to happen! Last period was only 2 days too of flow. Not that I am complaining about that, but, it's VERY unusual for me.

Thoughts? Ponder with me...

I am going to call the RE tomorrow and see what they say.

Odds and Ends

2010-08-17T21:08:00.003-04:00

I never read...ever. But, I finally picked up a copy of "Silent Sorority" (by Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos). Amazing! It isn't a light hearted, easy read. Nor does it have the "happy" ending that we, as infertiles, long for. I use happy in quotes only because I mean the "we got pregnant after all these years" type of ending, not as in she isn't happy in her life. She seems to be and I really liked how she shared all those transition points in her life. It's real and raw and I really appreciated the honesty. Although I am one of those still on the journey, I really was able to relate to a lot of things she wrote about and it really helped open my mind and my heart. Thank you Pam, for sharing, and for helping reiterating the importance of sharing my journey with others, especially those near to me and to help increase the understanding out there about this wild ride.

I think I mentioned this before, that I attended a local meeting a few weeks ago on infertility. I learned about it from talking to girl (gasp! haha!) in the waiting room at the RE's office. She learned about it through the RESOLVE website. Which, by the way is an awesome website. AND, speaking of RESOLVE, we are walking in this years "Walk of Hope" in Atlanta, GA to help raise awareness for infertility. I'm proud to be taking a part in this event, and even have enlisted some friends to come with us. It's very exciting and I cannot wait until September! If you would like to be a virtual walker with us, please sign up at http://www.resolve.org/get-involved/ready-set-walk.html. Our team name is (Infertility) "What they didn't teach you in sex-ed" (don't type in the part in the parenthesis..it's too long for the field).

Infertility Research

2010-08-11T10:57:00.002-04:00

I've been attending some infertility support groups that I found on the RESOLVE website http://www.resolve.org/ and from our meeting I learned about the following research study I want to share with you. Please take a few minutes (I think it took me about 5 minutes to complete) and check this out!

Infertility Research Study

Be part of an important infertility research study!

Are you between 18 and 45 years of age?

Are you currently receiving treatment for infertility?

If you answered YES to these questions, you may be eligible to participate in a research study evaluating the impact of infertility treatment.

The purpose of this research study is to investigate the impact of infertility treatment on the emotional well-being of women.

Participants are being asked to complete a brief survey available online or in paper form. Your participation will benefit the areas of medicine and counseling as well as other women and couples experiencing infertility. If you would like to take the survey online just click on this link (http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/infertility). If you would prefer a paper copy please contact me. This study is being conducted by Heather Hanney, a doctoral candidate in the Counselor Education department of the University of Florida.

Please contact Heather Hanney at 561-318-8299 or hlh1@ufl.edu for further information.

Rewind?

2010-08-02T08:02:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I wish there was a rewind button. A year ago today was our transfer of two beautiful embryo's, one of which grew into a beautiful life inside of me for the next 18 weeks. It's hard to believe that one year ago today I was pregnant. Anxious and blissfully excited about the future. I feel painfully empty today. Time does not heal all wounds. We move forward in our journey together, but not without some scars that will never go away. They may not be visible to those around us, but, they are our silent reminders of our son and the life we prepared for during those 4 1/2 months.

Pysche

2010-07-27T08:30:00.001-04:00

Period started today. I should go to the clinic and be like "Implantation THIS". ;) Not that I wasn't thinking it, because, hell...I've been TTC for YEARS. Of course I grasp at any little straw out there. But, don't further plant the idea into my brain!!!!

Here we go again. The rain of pain has begun! My periods haven't been too awful lately, but, I can feel them getting worse. And by that I mean the 1-2 weeks leading up to my period are starting to become more noticeable. Those deep pains I've had for about a week now...the nausea...the back pain...

Just keep on keeping on, and go with the flow (literally) for now.

What what?

2010-07-25T18:17:00.003-04:00

So...2 weeks from this coming Tuesday I was at the RE's office getting measured and blood drawn for hormones for a hopeful natural FET. My lining was 6-something (they'd prefer 7+) and my progesterone was 1.6 (they'd prefer at least 2). Conditions not preferable-cycle scrapped. I HAD NOT YET OVULATED, there were a few follicles, but, none close to mature.

Fast forward to Friday (just a few days ago-8 days post my appointment). I started spotting. Weird spotting. Tuesday and Weds of that week I was hurting in the belly-so badly I was almost convinced my cyst was leaking fluid into my abdomen. THAT kind of pain.

This morning, instead of being worse, it's stopped completely, only present slightly when I wipe. Obviously this is WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY too early to be my period. WTH is going on?!?! This afternoon I'm having these weird, DEEP pelvic floor pains-almost feels like it's in the bone. PAINFUL.

If things weren't odd enough, now all this drama? I've peed on a stick. "Not Pregnant" per usual-RE's nurse suggested perhaps it could be implantation bleeding. Really?!? You say that to a hopeful patient?! I know they were trying to be optimistic, but, errrrrrrrrrr. She also agreed that it was way too early for ME to be having my period, and to keep them updated.

So, I'm waiting around, trying to figure out what's going on with this weirdo cycle! Thanks again to the silly cyst and the whacked out hormones?

Yep, this is one of those TMI blogs for those that didn't know ;)

This is why I share my story of infertility

2010-07-22T14:21:00.001-04:00

This is why I am so open and honest about our struggles sometimes. It's a lot for a couple to bear themselves. Thank you to all of our friends, family and strangers who listen and let us do the things we need to do to carry on and move forward when at times it just seems impossible.

http://www.self.com/health/2010/08/breaking-the-silence-on-infertility

Time flies when you are "having fun"?

2010-07-20T20:56:00.002-04:00

Wow. I just looked at my ticker. 8 months today. Wow. Wow. Wow. Has it really been 8 months? Seriously, where does time go?

I had the most real and sad dream last night/this AM. How fitting is that timing? I was 32-34 weeks pregnant. We were at some sort of function, and my water broke. I knew I needed to get to the hospital, but, my grandmother was there and she was taking FOREVER to get ready. For some reason in my head, I had to get there within the hour. Then, I woke up. And realized I was NOT pregnant. Then, the tears and pitted feeling in my stomach all day, in addition to my endo pain.

My grandmother taking forever-our wait in this journey to fertility?
Getting there within the hour-my growing impatience with this process?
My water breaking-my broken spirit as of late?

I miss you Wyatt.

How much is enough?

2010-07-18T00:06:00.004-04:00

I honestly don't know how people can ride this train to fertility for so long. My steam is running out quickly. It's been a really rough week here. I get the news that maybe I should have a funeral for my right ovary soon...then news the a friend's daughter died. 17 years old. Things just aren't making sense anymore!!! So, needless to say it's been a week of very raw and roller coaster type emotions. Sadness for us. Sadness for friends. Sadness for the sadness around us!! :(

We've been trying for 3 years. Long, but, not nearly as long as a lot of couples I'm sure. How much is too much or enough?!?! When do you stop trying (and, by trying I mean thinking about it and actively trying every day that passes) and move on with your life? I'm tired and feel so beaten down. The tricky thing? I've been pregnant. It CAN happen. But, now I wonder, IF it ever happens again...for how long?!?! Long enough to have a baby, or, long enough to send me reeling into insanity? IF. IF. IF. The questions just keep getting more and more twisted the longer we travel down this road.

I think I am depressed. I miss my baby and yearn for the chance to be a mother here on this earth. But, am I missing out on the life around me and letting it pass me by? I don't know. And, I don't want it to! If there's nothing else that I've taken from this week, it's being reminded how precious and fragile life really is.

So, how do we NOT (actively) try? That's not a question I can ask someone that doesn't know the struggles of infertility. How does one that knows EVERYTHING about their cycle and timing NOT try for a few months? How does someone that wants a child so badly NOT try for just a little while. Just for a mental break? It's so much easier for my husband...he is blissfully ignorant of mucus signs, body temps and twinging ovaries. Just for one day, I wish I could be him!!! He wants a family just as badly as I do, but, for him SOMETIMES I think it's easier to keep moving forward.

So, maybe a break for a few months...if I can stand it? A month or two of "not trying"...which, for me maybe would mean not trying AS hard?!?!

Eff you Endo...EFF you

2010-07-13T13:36:00.001-04:00

No go. There is an endometrioma hanging off my right ovary, and, apparently I attempted to ovulate from that side this month. It's presence is inhibiting the production of the hormones I need to plump up the lining and to get my progesterone anywhere near where it needs to be. No mature follicles, lining too thin and progesterone too low.

I hate this.

Drumroll please...

2010-07-12T14:57:00.001-04:00

Here we go. Sorry it's kinda fuzzy. That's a smiley face (ie, detected LH surge). Appointment is tomorrow morning to assess my lining and progesterone. I wish it was 6:30 AM already!!! Drugs are ready just in case. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let this be the month!

Ahhhh, the waiting game continues

2010-07-11T21:41:00.002-04:00

Still waiting for the smiley face on my monitor. I usually ovulate around day 16. Today is only day 13. La-de-dah. This is nerve wracking! I almost prefer the shots and ultrasounds (although, I won't complain because this is definitely cheaper!) because there is something to DO every day...not something to WAIT on everyday. I'm so nervous about my lining and progesterone levels and am just ready to see where those are. Not tomorrow I'm afraid. Another day...soon?!?

Get your pee pee on

2010-07-07T20:30:00.004-04:00

LOL. That's the motto around our house right now. Tomorrow is Day10, and time to starting peeing on some sticks. I don't usually ovulate until days 14-16, so, the LH surge probably won't be until next week. We'll see! Hurdle #1 is fast approaching-gotta pass the lining and progesterone test!!!

Oh, and this time they prescribed a cream for the progesterone (for after LH surge)? Anyone have any experience with this goop?! Just wondering what to expect!

Shhhh...here we go

2010-07-01T17:58:00.002-04:00

Today is Day 3-baseline US and BW. Natural FET. This may really be happening. Fingers crossed this body can do it's thing. That's hurdle #1. One.step.at.a.time.

Also, endometrioma update-there's one there as I suspected and it's about 2.6cm. I knew it, they just never really told me until today. I'm thankful it's not any bigger though and not causing many problems at the moment. It's the little things that fill my cup with joy.

Here's to hoping...

A weird day

2010-06-16T21:46:00.002-04:00

I know I said I wasn't going to write, but, I guess the time has come to where I am feeling the need...

I had a really weird day today. I went in this AM for some monitoring at my RE's office. They were checking to see if my lining was nice and thick (they want it to be over 6 mm, today mine was 7.5, during my IVF it was 10) and checking on my progesterone. The results? "Perfect". Excuse me? Of COURSE it's perfect...because we aren't attempting anything treatment-wise. But, nonetheless, we have a pass for a natural FET cycle whenever we are ready. Still unsure of when that will be. That's where a good bit of the stress came from today. Sensibly, it seems we should wait until October. But, all you infertiles out there know how painful that many months can seem! It's even WORSE TTC'ing after a loss. Making the wait THAT much more painful. We'll see how it goes. However it happens, I need to learn to be at peace with the when. It's just hard since my mind is still wondering on the IF. Will they thaw properly?! With only two, some days it feels like the odds are against me. Maybe not though. I was deemed "perfect" today, cycle wise. Stranger things have happened!

The hardest part of the day was the room I was in was the room where we saw and heard Wyatt's heartbeat for the first time at 6 weeks. I remember laying there crying tears of joy to hear such a wonderful noise. Today I just laid there, emotionless and broken, looking at my empty uterus. Sucks!!!! So gut wrenching painful!!! We are coming up on 7 MONTHS this weekend. On Fathers Day. Word.

Oooops! And, hello for now.

2010-06-14T20:16:00.003-04:00

I went to moderate the latest comments, and rejected them all accidentally when I was only trying to reject 2 of them. ;) Sorry about that y'all!!!

Deciding to post this evening. We've been on vacation and it was so nice to get away. It was only for 3 days, but, it was just what the Dr. ordered. I was a different person when I was away! Part of that person came back home with me, and, then the "new" old me crept back in. I still have my gut wrenching moments, but, most days are better. I am still jealous of pregnant people. I wish they wouldn't complain about silly little things or take things for granted so much. But, people could probably say that about anyone, pregnant or not.

One day at a time. One second. One moment.

Right now I'm in the midst of being "monitored" by my RE. I'm using ovulation predictor tests to detect a LH surge. I'm so damn tired of peeing on these sticks!!! I need that smiley face already!!! ;) Once detected, I'll start with blood work and ultrasounds to check out my uterine lining in an unmedicated cycle to see if we can proceed with a natural FET in the next few months. We are going to wait until after the summer and after we move into our new house (which will be done in early September). The waiting just may kill me...or, make me change my mind. But, that's kinda where we are right now.

I've been stalking blogs and noticed a lot of success stories going on out there. Very uplifting to see. Hopefully one day here will be a success story here as well!

My husband is the greatest

2010-06-07T21:19:00.004-04:00

I was having a weird day today-it's the last day of my twenties and I've been missing Wyatt like crazy lately. It feels weird having this birthday without him. We had plans...and they included our newest addition to our family. An extremely handsome delivery man came to my work and brought me flowers and a balloon. And a hug! What a wonderful way to start out the week. I love you so much Wes. Thank you thank you!!!!

Blogging break

2010-05-30T21:08:00.000-04:00

I haven't been on much lately because I've needed a blogging break. Me time. Trying to focus my life on the positives in this down time has been hard. Harping on my endo and infertility hadn't been really helping. So, during our move and while we wait on our new house, I've decided to be scarce.

I hate endo and infertility. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how different our life would be right now with Wyatt. I turn 30 in a little over a week. 30 isn't old, I know. Today, it just feels like it. Infertility has aged me.

I'm trying really hard to NOT think about getting pregnant every month. My blogging absence has helped some with that, and, another reason to take a breather.

I won't stop completely. I'll be around. Just need to find my old positivity and zest!!! I miss it. I will not let endo and infertility steal that from me.

All ramblings from a tiny cell phone keyboard. Hope you all are well!

What Makes a Mother

2010-05-09T20:51:00.000-04:00

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this
God I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!

~Author unknown

Roll with the punches?

2010-04-30T11:10:00.000-04:00

Really? Cause I'm not sure how much more I can take.

FET canceled-lining isn't thick enough. Of course. I am just hovering around 6mm...which is technically enough, but, we need the best. Apparently during the fresh cycles my lining got around 10mm! So, on to another period-im stopping all meds today. What a waste.

Ill go back in June sometime for monitoring of a "normal" cycle or two to see where my lining gets naturally. If that doesn't do well and we can't try a natural FET cycle, the RE wants to try some other meds (stims I believe) to see if they help.

More of the waiting game. I am beyond frustrated and disappointed. I thought things were finally moving in the right direction!

What a way to end National Infertility week. Still infertile.

Could have been...

2010-04-23T09:27:00.003-04:00

First of all, things seem to be okay with the GI issues. Waiting on the labwork for any definite celebration, but, things are moving foward with the cycle. :) Thanks for the comments!

Today, instead of making excited phone calls and rushing to the hospital, we are left picking up the pieces of our hearts and wondering what life what have been...could have been...right now. Today was my estimated due date with Wyatt. We wish we could be celebrating right now. To hold our son. To hear him cry, feel his warm, lively body. What we wouldn't give. We don't regret our time with him though and feel so blessed we were given the chance to hold him, to see him, to love him.

We miss Wyatt so much. My heart aches for him and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think or speak of him. We wish today, this week, this month could have been so different for us. We will always remember and love you Wyatt. Always. Thank you for touching our lives and letting us feel the love of a mother and father.

Love you baby boy!!!

What's a journey without a few bumps in the road?!?!

2010-04-20T22:30:00.003-04:00

Right?!!? This is the story of our lives! This past weekend I had some GI issues and now I am possibly facing the situation of a canceled FET cycle if my labwork doesn't turn out okay. I'm not sure how long it'll be before I hear back. I am going to talk to the GI tomorrow when I go and ask that they put a stat request on it all. I am supposed to be transferred in 1 1/2 weeks. The sooner we know...the better!

So, here we go. Waiting to wait some more. Prayers please and fingers crossed! If there is something going on, obviously I'd like that taken care of now and things will just have to be delayed for the best. But, even more obvious, I'd love for it to be all a bunch of fuss for nothing!

What a week!

Just wanted to share

2010-04-14T20:20:00.004-04:00

I heard something last night at our group counseling session that I really liked and really summed up how I've been feeling lately...and I wanted to share because I'm sure a lot of you out there would agree!

"I don't mean to rain on your parade, but, I'm not ready to march in it with you yet."

This pretty much sums up how I've been feeling lately with ALL the pregnancy announcements and birth announcements flying our way. Exactly how I feel. I am so happy for others, but, at the same time it's hard because I am not happy for us (being without Wyatt that is). This can be the same feeling without a loss too. I've felt this way for a while now actually, but, losing Wyatt definitely brings an extra sting to the equation.

9 days. That should be my "due date" countdown right now. 9 days. Wow. We've come a long way since that fateful day in November when my countdown stopped. But, still a long long way to go.

On with the show!

2010-04-07T18:03:00.002-04:00

Life is CRAZY these days. But, hopefully crazy will be good! Our house is FINALLY under contract!!!!!!!!!!!! Although the timing is anything but perfect with the upcoming FET, we will make it work somehow. We will officially be homeless May 20th. HOOORAY! We are going to look at houses this weekend, but, we are pretty certain we want to build. Which, will put us out of house until August. Yes, we are insane. But, when is anything perfect timing?!?!? So, we have to shop for an apartment, house, storage unit, and be completely out in 6 weeks. This is all assuming the inspection will go well. And, well, I know I shouldn't assume. I'm hoping though. PLEASE hope with me! Oh yeah, and there is a FET transfer in there too. YIPES! Hope and pray for that one too!!!!

It's going to be a crazy month, but, it's been good to keep my mind busy. I start my shots tonight. I can hardly believe the time has come!

ON WITH THE SHOW!!!!!

It's finally here

2010-04-01T12:11:00.000-04:00

April. I should be saying those words at 37/38 weeks pregnant and with much more excitement in my tone. But, well, we all know that things are very different. Instead of celebrating the births of our children with the 5 friends we have that are due this month...we mourn our loss all over again. We hope to more celebrate him, but, I know it will not be without tears.

Although, this isn't my child's birthdate. Just another "milestone" to overcome. The most painful one to date for sure.

I miss you Wyatt. With every stroller and new mommy glow I see, I ache for you. Every fat belly and cankle I spot, I yearn to be there, with you safely tucked inside. These things will not happen with you Wyatt, but, I miss you all that much more.

Hello April. I knew you'd be here...I just don't know that I'm ready!

Quack Attack!

2010-03-30T21:33:00.004-04:00

I am part of a local online "mommies" group. I joined when I got pregnant to meet other moms in the area and to learn everything baby related in the area that I could! When we lost Wyatt, I was directed to a private chat board they have for infant loss/grief support. I post on these boards from time to time and the women I've "met" have been great to bounce off of with my grieving frustrations.

Today, we were quacked by the group! For the a local charity duck "race" coming up soon (for an organization that provides counseling to those who have lost babies, children or for children that have lost loved ones), the online group is having members donate to have other members "quacked" as you see below.

The ducks really made our day and was a wonderful thing to walk out to this AM!!! They are SO cute...little halo's and little white wings. The lone duck on the step is in honor of Wyatt. I get to keep him! In a few days our quackers will be gone and on to another unsuspecting Mommy! :)

Complementary Treatments

2010-03-25T20:47:00.005-04:00

So, today I scheduled an appointment for acupuncture. I finally bit the bullet. I don't know what I'm so scared of. I've only heard wonderful things. The acupuncturist I spoke with today sounds great. My RE recommended him and it looks like he's done his homework.

Focus on regulating hormones with the kidney and liver? There was a bit of a language barrier, so, I think that's right but won't swear on it. Also going to work on relaxation. FABULOUS! Sounds like a good idea to me! So, relax me, un-nauseate me (unless it's nausea for a pregnancy, ha!), un-pain me, un-infertile me, and undo my rebellious uterus. I am down with all of this. Are my expectations too high? It can't hurt to try. Right?!?!

A year in review

2010-03-20T11:40:00.001-04:00

March 20, 2009. My 2nd laparoscopy. Going in I was scared out of my mind-I had a urologist, GI surgeon and my RE on hand for the procedure. I woke up, and the first question on my mind was if I still had my colon fully in tact. I did, thankfully. Although it was (still is) adhered to the back of my uterus, it was too risky to my reproductive system to un-glue. Preservation of fertility was the name of the game. A new family was in sight. We had plans...dreams...ambitions!

After my scary skin reaction/infection (which still to this day bothers me) and a hysteroscopy in the books, it was time to move forward! Two "successful" IVF procedures-1 "chemical" pregnancy and 1 premature delivery later, here we are, March 20, 2010 with empty arms and a hole left in our hearts.

I feel stuck in time. Yet, it's moving quickly past. As we prepare for the next step in our journey to become parents, we can't help but to look beyond the immediate plans and wonder about life if things don't work out as we hope they do.

Same sh*t, different day...different year.

Tell me something good....

2010-03-17T22:05:00.001-04:00

NO HYSTEROSCOPY NEEDED AT THIS TIME!!!

I've been a bad blogger

2010-03-12T23:38:00.004-05:00

It's been a weird couple of weeks. Life has been busy. Busy is good though, right? Lots of up and down emotions lately, and, really just taking time out to deal with those. I've been a bad blogger with endo month, though, the topic is never far from my mind! I promise to make another attempt at spreading the word before the month is over!

I hope all my blogging friends are doing well! I've been trying to keep up with you all. Send some good wishes our way next week. I have an apt Tuesday for my repeat hydrosonogram to assess the need for a hysteroscopy. Good news through the tunnel though...as we are making plans for a FET in the very near future!!!

AND, I JUST saw this on Leno. I don't really care for him, but, this video is fabulous and I'm glad I had the station on. I am not a pregnant woman hater (really, I'm not, I think it's a beautiful and special thing and look forward one day to being there myself!), but, this just made me laugh with my recent whirlwind of emotions!!! I hope this doesn't offend anyone. Just a good release for those of us in limbo!

"Happy" Endometriosis Month!

2010-03-01T19:19:00.001-05:00

Let's all spread the word about endo!!!

Oh, and, nothing kicks off Endometriosis month like the arrival AF. Lovely, huh?

3 months...really?

2010-02-18T20:50:00.003-05:00

I can't believe it's been three months since we had to say goodbye to our beautiful son. In some ways, it definitely feels like it's been this long. We've come a long way from the minutes, hours and days since that fateful day. But, in other ways it feels just like yesterday. Certain situations, moments, seconds bring the emotions rolling back all in a devastating swoop. I feel that these are pretty healthy though in our process of grieving.

Things lately have been especially tricky, as the friends we have are approaching the birth's of their children. We, of course, are happy for all of them. Yet, so very sad for us. Baby showers, invites, big bellies...it's all too much sometimes. These moments always have me wondering what might have been. What could have been. I feel so empty sometimes.

Every day is a new day. We try hard to remember the blessings we have in our lives and to live each day to the fullest, no matter how heavy our hearts may be at times.

We miss him dearly though.

Endometriosis Awareness Month is coming soon!!!

2010-02-17T18:43:00.003-05:00

And, don't forget your yellow shirts on March 1st!!!

Wearing yellow on March 1st shows support for endometriosis awareness, so you don't need to be an endo sufferer to get in on the fashion statement--loved ones of someone with endometriosis, or even just general supporters of increased awareness are welcome to participate!

My gorgeous nieces supporting the cause in 2009!

Our little snow angel

2010-02-12T20:40:00.001-05:00

We are enjoying the beautiful falling snow (again) right now. This time is so much more beautiful and fluffy-not the icy mess we had before. We have at least 3 inches so far! What a wonderful surprise!

Wyatt is always on our minds. Just another way to remember our little angel!

Detour

2010-02-10T19:44:00.004-05:00

My appointment yesterday went as I anticipated it to. There were some suspicious areas of my uterus that were detected during the hydrosonogram (very different from a HSG I should add; I'm allergic to that dye, this is just done via cath and uses water). Normally, in preparation for fertility intervention, my RE would schedule a hysteroscopy with such findings. Looking back through the past year, though, my RE decided that she wanted to try something else before resorting to a surgical procedure. Which, is fine by me.

The current plan is to begin Aygestin at the beginning of the next cycle to help thin the endometrium. The theory is that the suspicious areas could very well just be thickened endometrium...so, let's try this and see. I will have a repeat hydrosonogram about a month from now. We'll see how it goes! I'm hoping for the best because I am so not ready for another surgery...no matter how minor it may seem.

Oh, but, my ovaries looked "okay". I think there is something small hanging around on the right, but, better than usual which is exciting. We didn't even really discuss them at all!

I'm still spotting. Today is Day 13 and I still have spotting when I wipe. The RE did ask if I've had any abnormal bleeding after she saw the hydrosonogram. I'd say yes. Ugh. Another reason she is suspecting something is amiss.

FET will be sometime in APRIL/MAY now. A little bummed we can't have it done sooner, but, that's just the way the ball bounces. In the meantime, we are planning a mini-vacation to get away. We NEED to get AWAY!!!!!