Endometriosis, Infertility, Miscarriage and Life in general
I am 32 years old, living with stage IV Endometriosis, possibly adenomyosis, PPD and struggled with infertility for almost 4 years. I am a mother to a son that was born at 18 weeks and too precious for this earth; and now a mother to a son born in August 2011. By journaling here, I hope to benefit both for myself and for others that are dealing with this disease and fertility struggles. Thanks for visiting!
Our rainbow baby
What is a "Rainbow baby"?
I found this description online. I loved it, and, I wanted to share!
"Rainbow Baby" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.
The house has been keeping us really busy! We are hoping to have it on the market by next weekend. If this jellybean is going to continue to thrive and develop (which we hope and pray it does), we are planning to only try until about Jan. Then we'll throw in the hat so I can do all the exciting expectant mother things that you do to your home when you are waiting on your little one :) The realtor hopes to have it sold in less than two months. Here's to hoping!
Been feeling okay this way. I've been having pains around my ovaries. It hasn't been one sided, so, I haven't been too worried about it. I assume it's my endo not loving being squished. I've been tired and kinda blech (sometimes nauseated, not knowing what to eat, etc); but, still happy and bubbly!!! Stupid sciatica is upset too...again, I suspect endo!
A little concerned about how everything works with a pregnancy and endo, but, just going with the flow for now. I assume if it wasn't safe to get pregnant, my Dr. wouldn't have let us gone through IVF. So, trying to chill about the "What" questions (What happens when my uterus starts expanding and it's attached to my colon, what happens to my left ovary that is glued down to the expanding uterus, etc, etc, etc).
Thanks for all of the comments!!! We are officially 1 week away from the ultrasound. I couldn't be more excited and ready for a day to get here!!! We can't wait to see our little jellybean. I think it'll feel more real for us then and help to ease our minds a little!!!
Hello everyone! Here's a "quick" recap of where I've been and how far I've come:
We've been TTC since April 2007.
I was diagnosed with stage IV endometriosis in Feb 2008 after months of unexplained pain and illness. After my first laparoscopy, I started Lupron therapy and continued for 4 months. I started experiencing some unpleasant side effects (neurological) and decided to call it quits.
It didn't seem to help anyway, because by Dec of 2008 I was right back where I started and had another endometrioma. We tried a few cycles of femara, but, had to have another Lap in March of 2009. My tubes were found to be very inflammed, among all my other problems, so, we were advised to go ahead and try IVF.
I had a hysteroscopy in April 2009 to remove some polyps and in Apr/May we had our first round of IVF...which ended in a chemical pregnancy.
We decided to try again in July and on August 12th had another BFP followed by a blessed rising Beta 2 days later. I'm now 5 weeks pregnant waiting on an ultrasound with my RE on Sept. 4th. Just saying some prayers that this is the miracle we've been waiting for!
I've just smothering in boxes right now. My husband and I are trying to put our house on the market by the beginning of Sept. I'm pooped just looking at everything! Don't worry, I'm not working too hard. Getting plenty of rest, or trying to. My back has been not so nice to me, so, even if I wanted to go all crazy on the house, I couldn't.
I've been feeling pretty good. I've had some on and off pain on my right side...around my ovary. I suspect this is from that free fluid that was around it before the transfer, but, definitely keeping my eye on it. And, the nausea is come and go. After I stopped the progesterone shots it seemed to get better, but, today it was like a brick of ICK hit me in the face at work and I was left wondering in 2 split seconds whether I could make it to the bathroom or not.
Whether nausea from pregnancy or endo (cause, I'm experience with the later), these are a miracle...truly! I don't chew them though, just suck on them. If it weren't for that today, I'm not sure what would have happened!
So, I'm wondering for all the endo mom's out there...how did your endo "behave" during pregnancy?!? Wondering how my left ovary is going to fare adhered to my uterus, or the adhesions that still have my uterus stuck to my colon. I hear it gets a little better, but, I'm a skeptic.
Hope all is well out there in blog land. I better go get lost in my boxes again. This should, at least, help the next few weeks fly by!!!!
2nd beta doubled perfectly!!! Today it was 344. I'm done with the shots-my progesterone was plenty high. :) my next apt is in 3 weeks for a 7 week ultrasound! 3 weeks?!? No apts?!? It's a strange strange feeling. ;) still being cautious in our excitement, but, anyway you cut it I'm pregnant and so unbelievably grateful!
More later. The BB is not condusive for lots of typing. Haha!
Thank you everyone for the blog award the other day. I'm sorry that I haven't gotten a chance to repost it. I've been having some computer issues and blogging mainly from my blackberry lately. Which, obviously doesn't support that type of function ;) So, again, thank you! I truly enjoy connecting and reading all your blogs. It's so wonderful to not feel alone in all these trials and tribulations, even though it sucks that other people are suffering with endo and infertility too. But, I'm glad we are all here to support each other!!!!
Anxiously waiting on my 2nd Beta tomorrow. I've still been feeling nauseated and icky, so, on that end I'm feeling good about what the results will be. But, you never really know. Still cautiously approaching each "milestone" ahead. Thank you all for your support!
For those that don't know betas, anything above 5 is considered positive! :) Cautiously excited here!!! Much better than the 49 I had last time. So, things are looking better!!! But, now the waiting game continues. 2nd beta is on Friday. Pray with me for rising/doubling betas!!!
A pretty good friend tonight announced her pregnancy. And, although I am excited, of course I am a little envious (dang you envy!). But, as hard as it was for me to hear, can you imagine how hard it was for her to tell me?!? Being the friend of an infertile must be pretty hard sometimes too!!! She's been trying to tell me for a few weeks now, and, she never could get around to it. I hate that. I don't want to be some bitter lady that can't take the wonderful news of the friends around her. That's not why she couldn't get around to it, I just don't want to be perceived in that manner. You know?
For me, it's not a "Why her"; it's just the "Why not me" part. I am not mad, hurt, angry. How can I be?!? It's a beautiful blessing and I truly am elated for my friend and her husband. I had just never thought about the flip side...about having to tell an infertile friend about your upcoming pregnancy. It's bittersweet, I'm sure.
I hope that I can be making wondrous announcements soon as well. Oh, how I really am longing to pee on that stick under the cabinet. I will remain strong. It will only drive me more batty if I know either way. For now, I'll just pretend my constipation, sore boobs, slight nausea and cravings are those of a pregnant woman.
Trying to post an award that I've gotten from several blogs, but, having some technical difficulties. I'll have hubby check it out when I get home...
I don't think Weds could feel further away. I'm so ready to have this first Beta done!!! I've still been feeling ill. Trying not to read too much into it. Could be endo; could be pregnancy; could be I just feel like crap a lot? ;) Hopefully not the later. I've been extremely tired too. PIO or the real deal? We'll just have to wait. I'm trying very hard not the POAS. I dunno why. I just don't want it to be negative. I've seen far too many of those!!!
We love you and pray for you daily. We hope you are doing well and settling in nicely. I promise I will take good care of you and be the best mother I can. I just know W will make an amazing father. We are ready to take this next step into parenthood, and, hope that you are ready too! More letters to come as we hopefully journey these next 9 months together.
Thinking a lot about those embies in there today. I've been so ill the past two nights. Tonight I barely wanted to eat. Gotta love the PIO shots and their effects, eh? I so very badly want them to be more than that. I was never sick last time. I'm hoping that the lovely folks I work with didn't bring me their stomach bugs since they decided it best to come to work than stay home. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE!
And, we wait some more. 6 more days...today we are 5dp3dt...
Stay together! Yeah, that was lame. Sorry, I'm EXHASUTED. Work was hellacious today. Of all the times for things to start getting crazy there. ::sigh:: What can you do?
ANYWAY, our little embryo MADE IT to the deep freeze! We don't get a lot of eggs, but, man do we make some quality embryo's. I hope. Quality enough to make it to a blastocyte and freeze! ;) Quality enough to flourish into a healthy baby? Let's hope so!!!!
Very good news today. I needed that!!!!
I'm so tired of the IM shots. Yeowzers. My bottom must not have healed completely from the last round. I feel like I've done kickboxing or something. That and just POOPED. Gotta love the PIO. Hey, I'll take it if it translates into pregnancy symptoms...k?
Thanks everyone for the kind words. Is it NEXT Weds yet?!?!?
Yesterday was our transfer for this 2ndIVF cycle. It was just as beautiful as the first. My husband even got to go and take a peek at our embies in their incubator before the transfer, which was really special to him. As we peered carefully on the ultrasound screen, as they transferred the embies into their mommy, it was like a starburst came over the screen. Truly an amazing experience.
Today I am technically pregnant. There are fertilized eggs inside me, hopefully nestling in nicely and finding a nice, cozy home for the next 9-ish months. My first Beta will be Weds, August 12th. Again, it feels like EONS away. We are cautiously excited and anticipating the next few weeks.
We are waiting until tomorrow to see if the remaining embryo made it to the freezer, to give their brother or sister already there some company.
Here are our beauties. I think they look like me ;)